Relationship with adult daughter

I think a lot of her contradictory behaviour and statements link to "pleasing boyfriend"! Keep gentle contact and be thee for her when she needs you. It may well be some time!

What a dreadful situation, and for what it is worth, my reaction that day would have been the same had my DD been sobbing. I do think those on here saying that you should have not vented on that day are being a bit unfair. This dreadful man is a manipulator and would have treated you, your DD,your family exactly as he has, irrespective of what he deems to be your unreasonable behaviour. Had you not thrown him out, had you provided the money he wanted, he would have created another reason to keep your DD away from you and her family. He has already given hints with his talk of future grandchildren. Please don't blame yourself, this is not your fault. Just keep the chatty, non judgemental emails going, your DD will eventually see him for what he is, or more likely, he will find another more profitable victim. Just leave the way open for your DD to return.

Thank you everybody, especially for your understanding of my reaction on the fateful day. I do regret it as, although I don't think I was wrong about him as time has shown, I do think it was a big mistake to make an enemy of him. His pride was injured and I feel sure that he wants to get his revenge by cutting me off from my daughter. It was out of character for me, but the final straw after a series of incidents. He apparently told DD that she clearly gets her 'batshitness' from her mother!

I also felt dreadful, because I am generally thought to be a welcoming person. My DDs have had lots of people to stay over the years, of both sexes, and I have always got on with them and they have always liked us (or so my DDs tell me). I always wanted them to feel able to invite their friends home and to know that their friends would be welcome.

DD does own a tiny share of the house. She had an inheritance from her grandfather - basically, DH's father gave him a sum of money to spend on the girls, as he thought best, to cover driving lessons, first car etc. We bought all those things anyway and have always supported all the girls, but they know that the money was always here for them (although the other two insist that they don't want it as we have done so much for them, but of course we will ensure that they do have it, as it is what their grandfather would have wanted). DD1 had always said you look after it, as I want to keep it for something special like a wedding. Anyway, she suddenly demanded the money and kept asking DH where it was, was it in a separate account, how much interest was there etc. This was about 15 months ago. Of course we paid over the money when she asked, but it was quite hurtful, as though she thought we might be trying to cheat her in some way. It just wasn't like her at all.

She has subsequently told me that this money went towards the purchase of the new house, in which she has a tiny share. He has clearly made sure that he has the rest, even though some of the money came from the renovation of the other house, which DD worked hard on, as well as driving him to the DIY shops etc. DD has previously told DD3 that she has been dropping lots of hints about marriage, but he does not appear to have taken them (which I am not sorry about!), maybe because he doesn't want to share anything.

I would to see what a private investigator could find out about this situation. Where are they getting an income from?
I don't like the sound of it at all.
If desperate you could talk to the police to raise concerns about your daughter. At least you may be able to find out where she is living by doing some research.

loopy, I have thought about getting a private investigator, but DH feels that it would not be right to do so. It would feel like spying on her and it would make matters worse if she found out.

The she cut off contact it was about the time of one of the bomb explosions last year, so I was frantic, but she didn't reply. Then I remembered that I was still paying for her mobile phone contract so rang the company who assured me that the phone was in use. I know she should really be paying for her own contract, but I want her to always be able to get in touch if she wants to. I got so far as contacting one investigator, who thought it would be a good idea to ring her and say he had a parcel to deliver so could he have the address, but it seemed a bit obvious. I do have his parents' address, so I suppose I could get in touch via them if I had to.

As for how they live, they have no mortgage but are claiming benefits (JSA and council tax rebate), but live simply, grows lot of their own produce. DD is a vegan who doesn't drink or smoke (she used to), don't buy things or go on holiday. I did give her some money for Christmas and birthday, but only what I would have given her anyway.

I will bet dollars to donuts that the house is in his sole name and DD has no share in it at all in law.

Which is one of the reasons he won't marry her; she doesn't have the protection in law of it being a matrimonial home to prevent him turfing her out on the street penniless when the time comes.

It’s hard, but please don’t give in and hand over any money unless you are prepared to loose it. You can’t buy her loyalty, and if you give him an inch he’ll take a mile.

Putting money in doesn't legally give her a share if his is the sole name on the deeds!

Hi Dolcellate and welcome to GN. I'm truly sorry for the reason concerning your first post on here. The advice to try and retain a measure of contact with your D is good, I hope that it will be possible for you.

We've been estranged from our S and only GC for approaching 6 years and although his wife was more subtle than your D's partner, up until the final cut out, there are distinct similarities, and those are evident in so many experiences of P's when CO by their AC.

I firmly believe that this man's treatment of you and his 'encouragement' of your D to cut you out isn't about what you did that day when, understandably, your desire to defend and protect your D got the better of you, it's because of what you haven't done.

You haven't given them money, when originally asked to as that would have been a loan rather than a gift, and more importantly IMO you haven't allowed him to control you. I really do believe that the need for control supersedes anything else.

Our ES's wife wanted us to jump through hoops, be at her beck and call when required and never have, let alone express an opinion of our own if it contradicted her's. She managed to get our once loving and wonderful S on side and eventually we lost him and our 2 GC. Not that I absolve him of responsibility, because ultimately he made his decision.

I hope and pray that you will continue to have some contact with your D but please don't blame yourself for doing what any loving parent would do in the same situation.

The pain of losing an AC through estrangement is beyond words and is a terrible daily burden. Don't make yours any harder by blaming yourself. This isn't your doing, it's his.

I am so sorry to hear that Smileless. Is there no hope?

I agree that it is an incredibly painful situation to be in, but also agree with GrannyParker, who said that loyalty can't be bought. I do feel that DD has been disloyal and has rejected us all, and that is what hurts the most. I just don't understand how she could deliberately hurt me so much. I can't get my head around it at all.

Thank you for saying not to blame myself, that means a lot. I know that I have handled all of it incredibly badly, but can honestly say, hand on heart, that I only ever wanted what was best for DD.

Realistically Dolcellate no, there's no hope now.

We accepted some time ago that the relationship was over and even if there had been a reconciliation, it would never be the same again. As time's gone on I suppose we've just got used to it.

We were fortunate that we never saw our eldest GC from 8 months and have never seen the youngest, so at least we were spared the heartache of losing GC we'd established a relationship with. That said, TBH I don't think I could ever forgive him for what he's done; the lies, the attempt to come between us and his brother and yes, taking away our GC.

Above all is the break of trust and as you've said, the disloyalty and rejection of, apart from his brother, his entire family.

I don't agree that you handled it "incredibly badly", as I've said, you did what any other loving parent would have done. I did witness the manipulation of our ES by his wife but even now, having been so cruelly and heartlessly treated by him for almost 6 years, if I were to witness her emotional abuse of him, well let's just say, she wouldn't get off as lightly as your D's partner.

Don't give up hope Smileless. Your GC will grow up and want to know you I am sure, even if their parents don't. And I am sure that you would forgive DS if he resumed contact, which he may well do, in time.

Your DIL sounds like DD's BF, highly manipulative. If someone is with another person 24/7 (which DD is, as they are neither of them working), they are bound to be influenced by their partner.

Are you still in contact with your other DS?

I fear that if we did give her any money outright , he would take it over.
He definitely would.

You did nothing wrong and no sensible person would continue to hold a vindictive grudge against you because of one loss of temper under provocation.

If it hadn't been that incident that 'upset' him, it would have been something else.

I agree with others, keep light contact going and don't give any money, other than normal gifts.

Your daughter unfortunately owns nothing and because they’re not married, should anything happen to him, she will get nothing. There’s no such thing as a common law wife. His estate will go to his next of kin, not his partner. Everything in his bank account and the house will go to his next of kin. Has your daughter made a Will. Has he? That scumbag only wants money from wherever he can get it and by whatever means. JSA does not cover food + household bills + clothes + petrol for her car. I think he is using coercive control of her and will gradually convince her to dump all her friends. Please do not fund them. Maybe give her a voucher for Boots or M&S so she can buy herself things she needs. I reckon any cheques you give her go straight to him.

Imo you, Dolcelatte, have done nothing wrong! You’ve loved your children and been very generous with them. I think he is controlling her and probably telling her what to say to her loving parents. Such as, “Its your money, tell them you want it now, and with interest!” Don’t give him a penny. When you give to your daughter, do it with vouchers for clothes, female necessities, hairdresser etc but not cash. I’d be inclined to step away but text your DD monthly to say “Hi”.

Sadly, I think she has already stopped seeing her friends. She was due to attend a meet up before Christmas, and to see my youngest DD, but cancelled at the last minute.

Interesting comment Chocolate. When I saw her the Christmas before last, she said 'You're rich, why can't you just give me the money?', which is not something she has ever said before and was the most hurtful thing to hear. I have no doubt this is BF's attitude, whereas DH and I have always worked for everything, never been out of work or looked for handouts.

I think it is important for children to also work for things, not just have them handed on a plate, although we would always help them if need be. But I bet he says that if we really loved her, we would give her money.

In fact, we are not in a position to at the moment anyway. We have just retired and don't have the income that we used to, and we are still relatively young, so the money has to last us, and we might need care. But she and BF have the view that I owe them money and need to 'make amends' for letting them down over the house.

I know that I should step away, but keep contact, but it is terribly hard sometimes. I didn't sleep well last night, which always makes things worse.

So sorry that you're in this awful position - but please don't feel you've done anything wrong at all. You have acted at all times like the caring mum you obviously are. It sounds like this man is a total user but I do wonder if now he realises there are no further funds forthcoming from you the situation with your daughter will change. I don't think you actually state her age, but I am assuming that she is in her 20's? I have watched my daughter try to negotiate her way through these tortuous years, she came home like a little broken bird at one time, having been cheated on by a long term boyfriend that we were never keen on. Again he viewed us as a cash machine, although our help only went to the extent of helping my daughter with rent for the flat which he ended up living in with her. They were both working, but my daughter was in a fairly low paid job at the time. By her late 20's she was like a different girl, got her act together and got a really good job where she met her lovely husband. It was as though having some bad relationships in the end gave her the judgement and maturity to see the type of man she should have to make her truly happy - a nice, kind, ambitious professional man - not a peacock type who lived their life through Facebook, gym and pub. So in her late 20's she is now married, with a lovely home of her own (helped by the bank of Greta8 and dad!!! So please don't lose hope, I've been in your place and been so worried, daughter drinking and emotionally vulnerable, but all turned out well. The 20's are a very difficult time, but there is also potential for massive personal growth. Your daughter has been given the right values by your lovely parenting, I would just try to keep very low key contact, if you can - she may well wake up soon and see this abusive relationship for what it is.

Greta, what an excellent, uplifting post. I am so glad things have been resolved, so thank you for your honesty.

Luckylegs9 Thanks so much - I appreciate your kind post!

Dolcelatte I think your daughter is possibly being emotionally abused and controlled ...you are describing many symptoms of that over your various posts...look it up on Google - signs and symptoms. On that basis her behaviour is not her being herself at all ...and her treatment of you is the same.

Greta, thank you so much for your encouraging post and I am so pleased that things turned out well in the end for your daughter.

She was nearly 21 when she met him and is now 25. She is also quite a vulnerable type (apparently BF's previous girlfriend was threatening to kill herself when he ended the relationship so perhaps there is a bit of a pattern). I worry that she doesn't have a support network around her and is isolated physically and emotionally.

Don't want her to be unhappy, but I do hope, like your daughter, that she will learn some valuable life lessons, particularly the need to retain some independence. But if he said black was white she would believe him. I haven't quarrelled with DD at all but it has been like a drip-drip erosion of our relationship since he came onto the scene, until he now controls everything. It went from regular visits down to irregular and now not at all (or us travelling to her, which I would be happy to do. I would gladly make the 10 hour round trip just to see her and hug her). It went from multi texts every day to an email maybe once a month (apart from the 6 month silence). She said she and BF were comfortable with occasional emails to update each other on our lives, to quote 'that is the level of contact which we feel comfortable with'.

I know that it is better than nothing and I suspect that she thinks of us as often as we think of her, but has been persuaded that we are not to be trusted, that we let her down. Everything is twisted against us, so we end up just emailing about the garden.

Madgran, I think you may be right. I wish I were wrong in a way, but unfortunately I don't think I am. She lost contact with her sister after he sent am email to all of us, after DD2's graduation, where he was a guest at her dinner, saying DD2 was 'spoilt' and entitled'. Why? Because DD2 wanted her sister to be there a bit before the graduation to help her get ready and give her a bit of moral support. DD1 said they could only come for a limited amount of time, as they had to get back for their dogs (they lived an hour away), and there was no point in getting there any earlier anyway because they didn't have tickets to go inside, so would have to watch it on the big screen, so they might just as well watch it on their phones.

DH had suggested that maybe DD1 leave an hour earlier, and BF come a bit later, if they couldn't get a dog sitter, but apparently they wanted to travel together. DD2, who had cut short a holiday and flown home a few days early to be at DD1's graduation was so hurt, both at the lack of support when she needed it, but also that DD1 had let BF send the email criticising her. That's why they haven't spoken since.
DD1 said that BF was just 'protecting' her, but she does not need to be protected from her own family. It is as though he has to dictate the terms of all of her relationships.

if we all can learn from this it must be that if there is money in the family KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT. Let the DDs and DSs make their own way and you keep your money in the bank or buy a another flat somehwere.

We never had so much left over and we have always kept the DDs short. they had to save from their own pocket money (which was enough) and worked for the rest.
They are both professional women and have had lots of jobs whilst studying.
So many parents want to pay for this and that and it often works out well but there is always the danger that someone from the opposite sex will sniff them out as to how much can be gained by controlling behaviour. I'm so sorry you have had so much heart ache with your DD and hopefully she will turn the corner and get free of this man.

Hi Margaret. I am pleased that your DDs have done well.
I want my DDs to make their own way, as your have, and DD2 is the opposite of DD1, very hard working and successful, which I have to keep telling myself, that it can't be all my fault regarding DD1. My DH and my counsellor say that I have a tendency to blame myself for things and I think there is some truth in that.

In a world where it is possible to find out everything from t'internet, such as googling house prices etc, it isn't possible to keep entirely quiet about things . When someone is invited into your home, they will pick up on things, notice and judge you.

What you describe re the graduation is classic strategies on a road to alienation from the family! I am so sorry

Mad, I fear you are right, which is quite a depressing thought. All they had to do was turn up, congratulate DD2, have a nice meal, and go home. But I feel that he used the situation to try to manipulate a family rift, at the expense of DD2.

Subsequently, DD1 has told me how she went home and cried for hours, but why? None of it makes any sense, really. And why all this silence and not responding, what is the point of it all? DD2 didn’t used to be like that at all.

All families have disagreements, but we’ve always made up quickly.