Help please, husband problems

PINKY57, you'd do well to take the advice given to Pudding to find out your rights to help you decide what to do.

1. See a lawyer.

2. You might consider going to Al-Anon. This is an organization based on AA but it's for people who are affected by a loved one's drinking.

I'm fairly sure there is no upper age limit for women going into a Refuge (I used to work in one some years ago).
If you ring them and tell them your story, they not only have a safe and secret house where you can stay but access to good lawyers and all the information about State benefits, if you're entitled, at their fingertips.
Breaking up won't be easy but living with this abuser isn't easy either and you deserve some happiness, even if it comes at a cost.
PLEASE go get help. 24 hour helpline : 0808 2000 247 (UK)

Good advice from agnurse - Al-Anon helped me through the worst times.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
Lots of useful information from Cituzens Advice. Particularly look out for differences between rights for married people.
You won’t get much more than this is a free half hour with a solicitor, though s/he will also talk to you about costs of taking further advice.

I have no idea what your husband was like pre retirement, only you do. If he wasn’t like this it seems since retiring he had maybe lost a purpose in life and is angry about this. On the flip side of the coin he doesn’t sound happy either in his marriage, sorry to be blunt but I don’t think it’s one sided here.

Don't listen to people who are guessing or trying to discourage you from taking legal advice.
You are only talking about the cost of an initial appointment not the full costs of a contested divorce and you can find out what that would be before you make it.
I agree with dbDB77. You probably will lose more financially than is fair but you will be losing if you stay together too. Don't delay as it won't get easier as you get older and he may end up breaking more of your things. It doesn't sound as if he is likely to start drinking less.
Getting woken up in the night affects people more than people who haven't had to deal with it realise. It is bad enough when it is just a neighbour doing it but when it is someone in your own property that you are sharing a life with it must be awful.

I was married for about 28 years and it was when he retired (as far as I know) that my husband started having affairs, using dating websites and generally behaving appallingly towards me. After a so-called 'fresh start' appealed for by him, I took early retirement and we moved to a new county. After only a few months, he was at it again and he ended up leaving me on 25 December 2016 to be with the latest woman he'd 'fallen for' only a few weeks previously. I divorced him. It cost me about £16,000. To save further costs, he agreed to meet me to discuss a settlement. He married this woman soon after decree absolute and I know he's persuaded her to sell the house that was 100% hers - probably so they can get a house together and he can have yet another 'fresh start' somewhere else and begin his shenanigans again but with the security of knowing that as a married man, he could be entitled to 50% of their new home. As for me, I'm happily single and now have my own house. I have my own occupational pension and do occasional work from home. Not due my state pension yet. I'm free to come and go as I please and I'm so glad that I no longer have to wonder what he's up to and who with. I was his second wife - he'd been divorced a few years before he met me. My advice to you would be to get a good solicitor. Life's too short to be dragged down by someone who's not bringing out the best in you. Keep us posted. All the best.

Unfortunately it is the case that assets accumulated during marriage are seen as joint assets. They also look at your needs - you both need to be able to buy a property and have sufficient pension. If you are still at working age they will say you could still work therefore you need less assets. The half hour free with a solicitor is a great idea, it will give you all the info you need. A friend of mine married an alcoholic. She didn’t know it at the time and he was working. Once married, he lived off of her completely, didn’t work, ran up huge bills at the pub. Contributed nothing. After a few years he got £100k. The courts said he was a dependant as he was reliant on her.

I've also just read PINKY57's message and my advice to you is the same. I'm the same age as you. You're strong enough to start over. I have no children or grandchildren but am fortunate to have a loving, supportive family and friends. Please feel free to PM me (Pudding123, you too) if you need advice. Filing for divorce and then going through it are extremely stressful things but you do emerge a lot stronger, believe me.

In my situation we split the house 50 50 and agreed not to touch each others pensions, I paid for the legal costs or the divorce which because it was not contested were minimal. Apart from some of my jewellery going missing and having to put up with verbal abuse the initial separation was easy. don't underestimate the impact on adult children and continued undermining that can take place. Never regretted it. Good luck.

I would go to see a lawyer it will be money well spent friends can give you wrong information, laws change so best to see someone in that field .
Wishing you all the best for your new start

agnurse and others have said it clearly and well. Please get legal advice (even if you had to pay for an hour of advice, wouldn't this be worth it?) Think about how you want the rest of your life to be - and pursue it! Wishing you every happiness in your future.

As long as you have enough money peace of kind is more important. I speak from experience. I felt happier in the little house I had to buy on my own than the big one I shared with mg husband. Nothing to be afraid of- being alone at 61. And get proper financial advice.

Good luck Pudding123 - take heart.
I know women who have left after 40+ years and one who stayed in the house too.
See a solicitor to find out the details and what it means for you. There WILL be a way out if you truly want one.

Don't necessarily believe your friend - you need to get advice from someone who knows the current law about legal entitlements - if the house is in joint names, he will almost certainly get a share, unless you can show that you have always paid all the expenses etc. So don't do anything rash until you check the facts. However, it could be nothing more than frustration because he feels he should be the provider. I also agree that if you feel there is anything left of your marriage, you might give him an ultimatum that you make a Relate appointment. Hope all goes well and that, if your marriage is over, that you can emerge from this as still friends.

My advice is to make sure you get a solicitor you are comfortable with.When I divorced,20+ years ago,the first solicitor I went to was pretty awful.By chance,I bumped into a mum from my daughters school as I was leaving the office and she very kindly frog marched me to her solicitor who was very good and who I felt very comfortable with.If you can,try and get a personal recommendation for a solicitor as the right solicitor will get the best for you and also make the whole situation more bearable.

Since he leaves the room in a huff and refuses to speak to you, this is emotional abuse. Its a form of control. Men like that don't change.
Clearly he has no problem with treating you badly.
Put yourself first. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you living with drink. I am 27 years married and have 3 kids. Youngest 21. Two at home. I don’t work and he’s very generous with money so can’t compare to you financially.
However I attend Al anon meetings which are run world wide for family and and friends living with the disease of alcoholism. I go to understand him and what I can do to help me. I want to leave as at 56 would like peace and serenity. Good lunch and think about seeking out a meeting as you will meet likeminded people

Good luck. You have been given some good advice from the other posters on here. It does sound complicated so a good lawyer may be your best ever investment.
I don't know if it is allowed but if you were to show which town or city you were nearest to, then anyone with good experiences of divorce lawyers in that area may be able to reply with recommendations.

Hello sorry that you experiencing this, firstly I think visiting Al anon is a good move. Unfortunately there are many people who have the same issues and they are wealth of information on how to manage your own physical and mental health when living with an alcoholic, you need to look after yourself first.
Secondly, I would take some legal advice regarding your finances.
Thirdly, you have been married a long time and you need consider how you are feeling and how viable the relationship is and having gathered the information you from the above agencies you will be able to make long term choices that are based are more likely to be the right ones for you.
I wish you all the luck and best wishes to get you through this very difficult time. Whatever happens you should put yourself first.

Men find retirement far more difficult than women!
Try relate?

You don't refer to any positives in your relationship, so I'm guessing that none exist. Get your free half-hour with a recommended, specialist divorce lawyer, and take it from there. Do you really want to put up with this for the rest of your life... which these days could easily be decades? Speaking personally, there is life after a divorce... even after a rancorous one. I'm now very happily independent, and have never been happier.

I worked in a solicitors office and mostly the costs were nowhere near 20k. Very few, and these are cases that were very complex, run on for several years, and usually one of the parties was difficult causing numerous extra court appearances that should not have been necessary.

Sometimes the law is an ass. Some deeply unfair decisions appear to have been made by the courts.
I do hope that things can be harmoniously and fairly resolved Pudding, and that by this time next year you will be looking at a new and happy New Year and a new beginning.