Do you socialise independently or together..?

Bircher, the guilt thing! Have you asked your DH how he would feel about you going out and doing some of the things you love (but he doesn't)? Surely you have and, if so, what was his reply? How did it make you feel?

I have a good friend who is slowly giving up all the things she loves because she says going out without her DH is not worth the grief and hassle she gets when she returns home. There's nothing overt, but she tells me the guilt he makes her feel afterwards is dreadful. She has even stopped dropping in on friends unless there's a reason or, in your words, 'a cast iron excuse' like walking their dog, delivering a card, etc. She is living a pressure cooker existence at present and her resentment of him is growing. We all know what happens to pressure cookers if you don't release the pressure . . .

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I wonder if the 'guilt' thing si more likely to happen with women who have not had their own job, and therefore their own life - prior to retirement?

Not sure why a woman who had no job would not have her own life. ??

I could see friends every day this week but DH sees friends three times a week at the pub . The rest of the time he plans holidays- he lives for holidays - and occasionally goes fishing or plays golf. He sleeps a lot or watches tv which I hate- news or sport. I feel bad or guilty like op about leaving him. If I can't stand the wall to wall news I cook or go to bed early to read but then he comes to bed and gets annoyed that I want to read late. I really think he wants me around but I'm expected to like what he like.

Many years ago was going to the cinema with my friend next door to where I lived hubby not happy so I never went, regretted it for years as it started a pattern he went out on a regular basis while I stayed at home with the children, when I divorced him went out with friends a lot as I still do now,

I meet my friends for lunch a couple of times a week, they are all former work colleagues so my OH prefers to stay at home.

He goes out to the pub and meets friends about once per month.

When the weather is good I don't like staying in the house so we usually go out together - walking, bus rides, visit museums etc.

An added bonus is that OH does all the housework when I go out for lunch with my friends - win win for me!!

Gillybob & Birchermuesli, I sympathise very much. Twice widowed, I have spent weeks, months and years alone, with only work colleagues to speak to. Re-married to someone who has lots of health issues and both of us now retired - I have little social life either. We (hubby and I) go out to lunch twice weekly - to the same place - but it does have friendly staff and lovely food. My hubby can't walk far, and we live in a village with no shops, pubs or bus service (not even a Church). Since I am partially sighted, I can't go anywhere on my own and would need a taxi to the nearest town and back. Hubby has a back injury which causes pain all the time and even more for him to drive, and he struggles to get up from or down to a seated position. He can't climb steps, so even visiting people is difficult, unless they happen to live in a bungalow and have reasonably high furniture. I am obliged to watch TV/read/ use the computer most of my free time (when not cooking or doing housework). I do resent it sometimes, as I used to love going swimming or to the theatre, or just for days out on buses or trains. We no longer go on holiday as the travelling is difficult and the accommodation is never suitable. We have two cats for company (I was unable to have children) and I work in the garden sometimes. My friends are long distance ones from work days in the past and we keep in touch by phone/text/ and cards at Christmas. However, I love my hubby dearly and wouldn't swap him for the world. I would recommend taking up hobbies for yourselves - something you enjoy doing, whether at home or elsewhere. It's truly awful to be sad and dreading days - for whatever reason. I hope you both find some answers that will help.

My husband is very unsociable and, since we moved to Devon 7 years ago, I can count on my hands the number of times we have socialised with friends. He has not made hardly any new friends and refuses to try. I've started going to our local pub quizzes with my daughters occasionally and I have the occasional night out with work friends, but generally he only watches sport or politics in TV so I'm on my puter speaking to you lot!

DH prefers to stay home, and he goes to bed very early too.
I’m quite happy going out without him, and he doesn’t mind this at all. I ask if he wants to come too, if suitable, and he usually says no.
This week I’m out on three evenings - pub quiz with the Red Hats tomorrow, choir Thursday, and I’m going to the theatre Friday.
Life isn’t a rehearsal, and while I can, I will enjoy it.

I am a workaholic....am now 65 and my lustrous career in nursing and later with a disability charity is no longer.... but I found a new career six years ago and now work at a rather wonderful castle, with lots of visitors and things going on all the time. I began as a housekeeper and now am involved in all sorts! I worked nine days in a row last week....including both weekends and they were ten hour days. My other half loves it! he enjoys having the house to himself....pleases himself if he goes out...what to eat etc. Ive suggested he might like to give me the odd day at home on my own. I see no problem in living with your partner and loving them, but living your own lives and coming together when you wish to. My other half is more of a loner than I am, but enjoys dinner parties and parties...which I arrange from time to time. If you are not sure how your husband feels...ask him?

We have different interests, he likes doing things in his shed, I like going out. That works for us and I certainly don't feel guilty when I am saying 'I'm off, see you later'.

Both. We have very different interests plus my husband is a linguist and so he slips into other languages with non-Brit friends which is hard for me as I can't keep up with conversations. It is a hugely successful marriage though (both of us were married before to the wrong people). I've been married to my second husband for over thirty years and we've had about one row a decade!

I don't live with my OH. It would drive me mad to live with anyone nowadays.
He's got at least 20 years before he retires so has lots of conference calls at odd hours which would annoy me.
I like being alone but I'm never lonely as I can do as I please, however, we do cook for each other at various times and go on trips.

My ex was really into golf and I just waved him off to Ireland or the US and much preferred doing fun stuff with our children.
I'm surprised it lasted 41 years as I was contented on my own and after
reading some posts, I now consider myself lucky having no-one else to consider.

I also don't live with my OH, Gabriella, and wouldn't have it any other way. I enjoy the best of both worlds as I like my own company sometimes

I remember my aunt telling me a conversation she had with her GP once. My uncle had not long passed away. At one point my aunt was telling the GP how much she missed him, but that she had kept busy all her days with her church. My uncle attended on Sundays but wasnt so much into the social side. My aunt loved her church, did the flowers, sang in the choir and she was also in the WI I think it was. Went various outings. The GP said to her that they wished more couples were like them. They said they'd seen many couples over the years who did absolutely everything together and then one passes and its awful for the one remaining as they have no interests of their own, and usually don't know where to begin. I thought the doctor was very wise. My aunt and uncle sadly both gone now, but I was grateful to her telling me this. They were to me super people and my uncle never minded at all what my aunt did, nor she him. I cannot believe women in particular still have to 'ask permission' to go somewhere. It's meant to be an equal partnership. Ive never forgotten my aunt's story.

We both do our own thing though we're going out together a bit more recently. It suits us fine and we each have something to talk about

We mostly socialise together but occasionally apart. DH has no friends (from choice) but is a season ticket holder for his local football team so goes to every home game. I meet up now and then with ex colleagues for lunch, also my sisters/daughter/granddaughter. If we go out with other people, it's usually my sister and brother in law. DH is quite close to his brothers in law but as for friends, he's not interested. I've never been one for friends, I'd rather be with family.

Thank you everybody, a lot of kind comments here. I should say that my husband is a complete darling who I love to bits, and he would always want me to be happy and to do whatever I want to do. I think it's all in my own head, that I feel it's a bit disloyal to be rushing off hither and thither. As well as adjusting my attitude towards my solo activities, I want to find more things we can do together. Thank you again for commenting.

Does you husband never go out with friends without you?
If he is quite happy to do his own thing alone I don't see why he should object to you doing different things without him.
Just tell him you're going out, you shouldn't feel guilty at all, you are individuals, you don't have to like the same things. Life would be boring if we were all alike.
My husband and I don't live in each other pockets,we do have things we do together and things we do separately. It makes life together more interesting as we have more to talk about.
We take a weeks holiday separately once a year.

Hi
I’m having problems as I’m new to Gransnet getting this to post
Hope it’s not a duplicate
I’d say try lots of new hobbies and experiences and see what works for you
Don’t feel guilty either it’s your life too
I can’t stand Tv for more than an hour or so
A friends husband makes her watch tv for 6 hours plus
This is coercive control

I don't have any friends in the area so socialising is a thing of the past. Also my husband has lived in this area all his life and he doesn't seem to have any either. We are just two miserable old gits! x