I’m so worried about my 30 year old daughter

Firstly if your daughter was earning that much money she should be able to find another job. If she loves children so much is it worth her considering fostering or adopting an older child who needs some care. Get to a GP and see if she can have some antidepressants. Try and find something for her to look forward to.
Many people meet their soulmate on a dating app. Perhaps she could try that. Good luck to you both.

It is very early days as yet if their relationship only finished 4 days ago. Be supportive and listen to her. Try not to say anything much against the ex in case they ever get back together. Give her a week or two and then encourage her to apply for jobs. It is lovely she can come home to you , be patched up and hopefully go off on her way again. I'm sure you tell her her good points to try and bolster her confidence. If you are concerned her mood is not picking up it would be worth her seeing her GP in a week or so. She needs time to recover from a nasty shock like this. Hope things improve

I totally understand how you feel it is so upsetting when your adult child is unhappy there is so little we can do they often don’t want your cuddles they want the person they haven’t got not us and there’s such a fine line when they’re back home to over compensating (I hold my hands up to that in the past)

There's nothing worse when you're down than people trying to "fix" you, so dont bombard her with suggestions of what she should do next.

If she says her life isnt worth living ask her out right if she is having suicidal thoughts, and if yes seek professional help. If not, let her wallow a bit thats okay. If shes still wallowing in 4mths time that would be different. For now, its okay for het to feel sorry for herself

She took a chance and changed her life for the chance of happiness/love. It was brave and it didnt work. She has every right to feel bruised

I dont think she was wrong to take a chance on her childhood love FWIW. Jobs are just jobs. And it MIGHT have worked out. She only knows it didnt work because she tried!

If she hadnt tried she'ld always wonder. So she does deserve some credit for chasing a dream. Having the hindsight now to know it didnt work doesnt mean she wasnt wrong to take the chance in the first place

Too many negatives in that last sentance but hopes it makes sense!

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply, helps to know people care

Hi Cathy I'm sorry to read of your worry with your daughter. I trust you are not using your real name as a username, because these forums are open to anyone to read (should they come across them of course).

I agree that she needs time to get over the shock. I have know from friends and acquaintances that this happens as people see their peers around them getting on with their lives, this feeling of being left behind. Console her, she is still relatively young. I agree she would be able to find another job. She may well rally. My mother used to say "Wash your face, brush your hair and face the world." (with kindness).

Good luck.

Yes I thought the same as Grannyknot about your name Cathy.

Don't try to fix things for your daughter, as Notanan said she needs time to come to terms with happened, let her talk things through with you and listen to her. We still want to make things right for our children but now they are adults we can't do that. I hope she comes to terms with things soon.

My daughter was in a similar position 6/7 years ago.
Her relationship of 8 years had ended, she had been made redundant, she left London to come north and stay with us.
She was nearly 30, jobless, childless and without a partner.
She stayed with us and slowly recovered and became her old self.
It took her 3 months to feel well enough to apply for jobs, she returned to London and soon met her current partner, they have our beautiful granddaughter.
I was despairing and so sad to see her pain.
I hope you too have a happy ending.

Oh gawd...feel it for you Cathy. You worry about your children ...for ever!

The problem is far too complicated for you or anyone on here to sort out.

Your daughter is penning too much of her happiness on being with a man/partner. She feels if she isn't a 'couple' at her age then her life isn't worth living. Of Course, WE all know that is ridiculous but for her it is real. IF her main concern is being a mum above being happy in her life then she will have problems - unfortunately. Maybe she feels YOU think this is the ultimate goal in life? It isn't!

She needs professional help and quickly. She needs to understand that nobody else defines her or brings her happiness that it comes from within.

She is obviously well capable of holding down a good job. Encourage her to think about what job she would like to do? Forget about partners. What job would bring her the most satisfaction? Once she is happy in herself doing what she is doing...she will turn the corner.

I think many of us know the absolute crucifying feeling of unrequited love? I certainly do. Seems you don't want to live - very few follow through with the love of family behind them. Hope it works out.

I really dont think there was anything wrong with her deciding to put love first and give it a real go.

Had it turned out differently we would be congratulating her/them!

Having a family of my own mattered more to me than career. At one point I turned down an opportunity for the sake of settling down and was at the time criticised for it! I had my girls soon after and dont regret it at all. I caught up on my career when thr girls went to school.

I wasnt putting a man first I was putting myself first! I was bored of swat singleton career woman life had to offer and wanted a family of my own.

The only difference is I wasnt dumped!

For women, people praise you for going after what you want if what you want is a career etc

But if what you go after is a chance of love and family you are considered less independant and weak!

Notanan" Nobody is saying daughter was wrong for deciding to put love first...not that I can see anyway?

The fact is it didn't work out and now the daughter is feeling worthless!

Having a family is NOT the be all and end all. Statements like yours would make her feel even worse imo

The fact is it didn't work out and now the daughter is feeling worthless!

It only happened a few days ago!
Feeling dejected about while its raw is is not unhealthy a character flaw.

Having a family is NOT the be all and end all. Statements like yours would make her feel even worse imo
Im not smugly telling her
Im telling her mum, to show her that her DD has gumption and get up and go, otherwise she would never have up sticks and tried!
And if she has it in her to be brave and give things a go then, then she will give things a go again in the future, ONCE she has licked her wounds!

‘You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child’.

I read that years ago and I’m a softie so it resonated with me. No wonder you’ve spent Christmas crying Cathy.

Your girl is hurting. She feels a failure (she isn’t but her perception of herself is skewed).

Time is a great healer. Being outside in the fresh air helps too.

All you can do is give her a big hug. Tell her you understand her anxiety (NY + no job must feel frightening when you factor in + being dumped on Christmas Day, the shit).

If you are so worried about the fact she might take her life because she is so low, whilst you are at work, then turn and face your demons. Ask her if she has suicidal thoughts. Sit down both of you with a cuppa and really listen to what your girl is saying. Remember Samaritans might help. Or the doctor is open tomorrow and Tuesday if she needs to get started on AD’s.

As said upthread, she had a well paid job before. She WILL get another. She took a punt and it didn’t pan out. She is NOT a failure for trying. She was brave.

Please remind her, she will find love once she is settled in a job again and not even looking for it as it WILL find her! Happy people who are relaxed and not needy are very attractive to others.
?

Wishing you BOTH all the best going forward. x

I do understand why you feel so worried about your daughter. I would feel just as you do. However, after only a few days, it is natural that she feels hopeless and depressed. Anyone who has experienced a painful relationship break up will have felt devastated and alone but hopefully in time it will pass.

I don't think I can add anything useful to the comments that others have given. I would say, though, that even in the most desperate situations people often manage to pick themselves up and gradually start enjoying life again. The daughter of a friend of my Mum's suffered a severe mental breakdown after various personal and professional crises. She returned to live with her Mum, who one day confided to me, when she was very distraught, that she didn't think her daughter would ever recover. She had been out of work for some time and was profoundly depressed and feeling hopeless about her life. However, when I met her some time later she had got herself a job and seemed reasonably contented.

I really do hope things get better for your daughter. I'm not sure there's much you can do at this early stage other than listen to her and be there for her - which, of course, you are already doing.

Hmmm. I'm 34 and have just had a daughter with my husband. Before meeting him I was so down. And for various reasons, I still feel down at times.

She does need to wallow and be sad and mourn this relationship. Then she needs to find a job and hopefully a new partner and settle down if that's what she wants. I hope she gets what she wants.

She is lucky to have a great mom like you. You should be proud that you can support and love her.

I would ask if she's suicidal. If so, get her professional help and anti depressants and therapy.

I hope she doesn't get stuck.

Movement will get her unstuck in many cases. She needs to get outside and get imvolved in groups, hobbies and the community. Meeting new people can be easy if she's "out there". Internet dating or a professional matchmaker may be in order. Please update as things hopefully get better.

I feel for her. That guy sounds a bit heartless....I hope she ends up choosing a winner next time..

Oh, and as for what you can do: be there for her. Be present. Listen. Be her friend. Let her know your undying and unconditional love for her. That's all anybody really wants from their mother. She'll get strength from that.

The pain of rejection is acute and dreadful and that is the place she is in at the moment. It will pass.

All you can do is to be there for her.

If you think her suicidal thoughts are of serious concern then do get professional help for her if she will let you.

Encourage her to ring the Samaritans - they will just listen. They dug me out of a deep pit on one occasion and I will be forever grateful for that.

It is so hard for you to be witness to your DD's sadness, and I know how helpless you must feel.

My son went through a similar experience at 30 and was very depressed. I was so scared he would harm himself. I tried to help and stay positive when he said that life was sh!# and that there's no point to it all, etc.! Finally, in frustration, I just said something like, "OK, you're right, life can be an ocean full of sh!#, but we're all stuck in the same boat navigating through it together so all we can do is love and support one-another along the way".

For some reason that seemed to resonate with him, probably because I stopped trying to get him to cheer up and sort of agreed with his point of view. He also knew I'd come out the other end of my own hurt when his dad left so that was probably part of it.

He just got married in June and he used that story in his wedding vows to say how glad he was to be partnered with her in life's journey. (He's a writer so he was much more eloquent ;). I think that was the best day of my life so far and I just love my new DiL! I truly empathize with you, Cathypeterson. As Urmstongran quotes, ‘You can only be as happy as your unhappiest child’. You sound like a loving mom. I hope she gets through the worst of it soon.

I so remember grieving that badly 30 yrs ago for an ex I thought was the love of my life too. I ceased caring about him many years ago but I did grieve for about 6 months or so. Allow her to grieve for 6 months or so, then help her pick herself up. Has she thought about fostering? There are plenty of single foster parents. She might feel a decade behind her friends but maybe her life is going to take a different path. An important way to tell if someone is suicidal is to ask & look for any concrete plans she may have made, but many people go through grief and come out stronger and wiser it just doesn't feel like that at the time. You could encourage her to go to her GP, antidepressants do help & are not a sign of weakness. Its lovely that she has such a caring mum, blessings to you both

Christmas and New Year is a difficult time anyway, potentially, when all and sundry are (playing) happy families, when in truth no one has the 'family' that we see in the M and S and tescos adverts...

Can you reframe this in your head for yourself. 30 years old is still young (I didn't have my DD until I was 40).

Can you stress the positive, how lovely it is that you both get to spend time together? Her two gay friends sound nice too. Can you invite them round to dinner, or suggest something to do together at New Year. I'm sure they will help things along...well done for posting here, and please remember Chrsitmas and New Year are potentially difficult times emotionally....just go easy on yourselves eh?