Daughter appears not to like new man

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I speak with nearly 40 years experience in school, and many, many teenagers who didn’t like a step parent. Amongst other things I was the Child Protection co ordinator for a long time so was often the one youngsters would seek out to share problems with. Your daughter is older of course but that doesn’t make much difference here. Almost always, (but by no means exclusively) the root cause of the dislike was an underlying fear that parent would ‘choose’ partner over child, that partner would somehow ‘take parent away’ or lessen parents’ love for child. Sometimes it was subconscious, sometimes clearly apparent.

You must remember that you chose him, she didn’t, and if she’d had the choice, wouldn’t have. Your job here is to reassure her how much you love her all the time. You don’t have to have the ‘why don’t you like him’ conversation if you’re not comfortable with it. Take time for just you and her to do something together occasionally. Never, ever say anything bad about her father or make comparison between father and partner. Not even in jest. I’m guessing you wouldn’t anyway but it is so easily done.

It appears that your son does not feel threatened which is great. No need to tackle the problem with him but you love your daughter and want to make her feel certain of your love.

Your new man sounds lovely. If he’s a keeper don’t give up on either of them. Good luck.

I should add that new partners are often dangerous for children but since your daughter is 22 I’m guessing she would be able to tell you if she felt threatened.

Sit your daughter down and tell her that her one word answers are getting on your nerves. If she has a reasonable objection to the man who has come into your life, then you are willing to hear it and discuss it.

Point out that you expect her to behave politely to anyone whom you or her brother invite to your home, and returning such short answers to any and all attempts at conversation is rude and childish behaviour that you are hurt by.

I would ask her directly if she feels he is a con man, or if he has made a pass at her - if either is the case her behaviour is still rude, but more understandable.

Why are your grown-up children still living at home? Is it not time they moved out?

Do you like everyone who comes into your life? I am sorry...you just have to accept that she doesn't like him. Sometimes we just don't know why we don't like someone. No big deal. Accept the situation.

She's obviously jealous and wants you all to herself

I agree with those who say you need to speak to your daughter. Have you actually asked her if she has a problem with your partner?

Agree with grandtanteJE65 - no need for rudeness. Yes, ask whether he has behaved inappropriately in any way just in case. If not, she is an adult living under your roof and should behave like an adult, regardless of whether she likes him or not. Ask her what she would feel like if you treated a boyfriend of hers in the same way as she treats your partner. I think that parental relationships throw ACs back to childhood and there might well be some jealousy. She is still coming to terms with adult relationships, but that's no excuse for bad behaviour. If she won't at least try, it's time for her to find her own space. Be courageous, you are entitled to your own life. Good luck!

I would have to ask her straight about some of the uncomfortable things people have already raised. It's probably that she feels left out and doesn't feel like he can replace her dad however you also need to rule out all possibilities and that means asking a straight question to her about what it is about your partner that makes her feel uncomfortable. If it's just your relationship she doesn't like then that's tough but just make sure that's all it is.

Maybe your daughter can still remember how she felt when her dad left and is scared to let someone new in because she doesn't want to go through the same pain again if your boyfriend leaves.
Even though your daughter is an adult she may be immature in relationship experience and doesn't know how to handle your new love.
I doubt she is jealous, I think she is worried that there could be a lot of hurt if he walks away.
I would just let her come around at her own rate and don't push the issue as long as she isn't rude or nasty to him.

What would you do if she admitted that she really didn't like him? Would you send him packing or would you decide that it was your life and she should have no say? Your daughter might be uncertain as to how you would react and may not want to "test" your loyalty to her detriment. It may be a gut feeling on her part or it may be something he has done which rang alarm bells but doesn't feel able to put it into words because she doesn't want to hurt you or doesn't know if she has read things correctly.
There was a history of infidelity with my Mum when she moved her new partner in and I was really bloody to him. He would give me a lift to work and I would sulk all the way there with monosyllabic answers. I left home very early to get away from it and resented my mother for moving him in. When he died 12 years later, I was devastated. As time went on, I realised that he was in fact a lovely man who adored my Mum. I didn't feel bad for the way I treated him because he and my Mum had put my Dad through the mill but I did value him for our relationship in latter years.
When I met my husband, my daughter was 8 and I had always said that I would take her wishes into account but when the time came, she resented my husband because she liked someone else I had dated far better. That person and I were completely incompatible and my daughter's opinion would have been a disaster for me. Nearly 30 years later, sh isn't close to my husband but she respects him. She sees his faults and laughs about them but knows that she can trust him implicitly to be there for her in a way her biological father just isn't.
You can only go with your gut feeling with the new man and try to keep up a good relationship with your daughter. If there is no underlying reason for her dislike, she will come to appreciate that he keeps you happy when she is mature enough to do that.

Yes not much new to add, theres good advice from all other posts, except- if you've been going out 18 mths,why ask us now? ARE you thinking of taking it further, moving in maybe? Has the being apart during this pandemic made you both want to be together now (if youre allowed soon) in case we have another lockdown? If so, please dont rush into anything, just for that reason, it may end up a mistake- have you asked your man if your Daughter's behaviour bothers him at all? And yes i hate to say it, but the question from phloembundle did cross my mind too- (i cant help it,i have 3 beautiful daughters, and 4 beautiful GD's & i would want to protect them first& foremost) so its something to think about.DONT go accuse him though, just keep an eye out if they meet up. Or be wary of what she tells you if you do ask DD why she appears not to like him. It could just be that 'hes not her dad' so will have to get more used to him, over time. I presume as you dont live together,this wont have had to be a problem while we've had lockdown though?he wont have been 'popping round' at all will he? It may be that the 'break' from his visits while your son&daughter had you to themselves for a bit will have made things a bit better,as your DD will have had one on one time with you again? Be careful not to shut her out again once lockdowns over,because after all,it is NOT yet- dont forget we can still ONLY meet an extra person out in open spaces yet! (a chance for you to meet up alone maybe with your man,for a picnic?or a chat?) None of my older kids liked my ex hubby,and in the end they were right about him.often they know them better,as we can only see with 'rose coloured specs'- maybe not in your case,but just take things as slowly i'd say.

Do you think maybe she will feel she is letting her her dad down if she is friendly with your new partner girls are very close to their dad's afterall

Also, don't suddenly hope, as some have said, that you're son/daughter will suddenly up & move out soon. I've still my 21yr old at home (as well as my 17 yr old) and my eldest daughter has my 2 oldest GC still at home 21 & 22 and from others here on gransnet it seems to be a growing trend that AC are staying at home longer.

Good point Glammanana

Please DONT suggest she 'moves out & finds her own space' as that will make her resent him much more- and also may lose you your daughter permanently,as said by some of the other gransnetters on here.

IN REPLY TO SOME WHO HAVE ASKED- Not everyones AC reach 18 & move out- some have no means to do so- some are still in education,some have any number of miriad reasons, medical or behavioral issues, lack of cash, immaturity, whatever, but its a growing trend apparently, and its no ones business but the parent/'childs'- its even been in news that due to recession& growing house prices that theres AC up to 40's at home still- or having to return home,as theycant afford to live elsewhere (could be more coming home to roost soon then?) and i think too that 'teens to twentys' nowadays are less mature& worldly- wise than we were at that age.

What’s he like with her when you are not there?

I would make sure you have a day out or afternoon out with her now and again. She will always be your daughter.

Only comment I would add is that a colleague finished a budding romance because her DD objected. A few months later DD moved out to live with her BF and Mum was alone and lonely.

I had it for years since I married again 15 years ago ! My daughter wasn’t too keen on her father herself and wouldn’t remember us together as she was only a baby when I left so it wasn’t that. She was used to having me to herself but carried on having the problem when she got married! She has just turned 30 and she’s warming up and in fact whenever they do anything alone together they got on like a house on fire. But when I was around it was a horrible frost. I’ve asked her what she thinks it was and she doesn’t know! I’m a very well trained and experienced therapist but even I can’t quite figure it out. Maybe Can’t see the wood for the trees.

Your daughter will eventually take her own path in life and leave for a partner,job or something else. If you give up this man who makes you happy because of her and she goes ,where will you be? Alone and resentful? While she makes a new life for herself after you've given him up, so think long and hard before acting on anything.Whatever her reason for this attitude life goes on and you deserve a chance at happiness.

My first thoughts were same as Phloembundle, has he been a bit to friendly when the mother isn't in the room!

red1 I agree. Dad was widowed and met someone who was very different to our Mum - she was nice enough but due tondifferent locations, I didn't really see that much of her to get to know her well. Brother and his wife did though and they both got on with her.

But turned out that she had started two timing Dad. Went on holiday with him and a week after getting back announced she had met and was marrying the other man!! Other man became her third husband - and about 2 years later my brother had a chance encounter with her and found that guy had died too. So with hindsight Dad had a lucky escape!!

Does it matter that your daughter doesn't like the guy? She's probably going to move out soon and in the meantime they can just ignore each other. What if you didn't like one of her partners? It happens. No harm in reminding her you brought her up to be at least polite though, like she would expect you to be if she was going out with someone you didn't like.

Again, how doesnt she like the guy?

I truly dont see that

She is replying to his questions - one single word answers is not rude

Now, calling him names, saying things "get out of my house" " I hate you" would have to be addressed.

She just doesnt want a relationship with him. It is her right as an adult.