Adopted children finding birth mothers.

There is no peace until you know who you are. Not the same for everyone but the majotity it is. Even if its just to find out the truth.

I found out I had 2 half brothers i never knew about when I was 36. They were my late father children. Deep down I always knew there were missing pieces in my life.

Its called "family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you"

I know this isn't adoption however I do know that the majority of people need to at least know and connect in some way.

I did find my brothers who are alot older than me. We do have a great relationship

My mother wasn't actually adopted, but she was given up at birth. After a horrific baby/toddler-hood, she was fostered by a well to do family in the area she came from. She had a cold, unhappy childhood with the foster family and left as soon as she could at 18 to go to college.

When she got engaged to my father, his father, my grandfather, somehow knew who my mother's mum was. He arranged a meeting in the grounds of what was eventually my secondary school.

My mother and her mum had a relationship for the rest of my granny's life. They weren't close but were definitely more than friends. Strangely, my granny chose never to reveal to my mum who her father was. My granny was very ashamed of having a baby while unmarried. Although she married twice (widowed twice), she did not have any more children. As a result, she was very non-judgemental of some of the more unusual life circumstances of other family members.

My mum has had quite a hard life. Consequently, when she inherited from my granny, it made her life a bit easier. Mum's difficult start in life has had a long-term affect on family relationships She was never a particularly warm mother, and her non-nurturing of my brother and me has affected our relationships with our children. Fortunately, it does seem to have worked its way out by my grandson's generation.

My bio mother was in the Army during WWII, one reason I 'think' my bio father may have been in the services too. While my adoption has been a huge family secret, it doesn't sit well with me that they all took 'my' secret to their graves and I still don't know any details. I have never been told I was adopted, but gathering what info I could and talking at length to a couple of senior managers at Births/Deaths/Marriages they confirmed that my story was common for the time.

Unfortunately my adoption was inter-family and arranged through the Catholic church prior to my birth registration, so that registration was in the name of my adoptive parents, a major indicator apparently. No written records were kept and even birth records from the hospital were lost in a fire. Again, unfortunately, my adoptive parents weren't the ideal parents in that he abused me in every way possible and while adoptive mother didn't participate, she was complicit due to not making any attempt to stop him. This adoptive father was a narcissist and my bio mother's brother, they didn't get along and I remember many times she would leave in tears, after a huge argument.

However I think I met my bio father as a 3-4 yr old because I would be taken to my 'aunts' (bio mother) mostly on Sat afternoon and I can still 'see' this tall dark haired man (sometimes in uniform) he would arrive after me and leave before I was collected....so adoptive father didn't know he was there. I also remember he showered me with love and lots of hugs/kisses, small gifts and gave the best cuddles, something I never got at home. I was also told never to tell anyone he was there because if anyone knew, then he couldn't return.

I just wish I could 'see' the colour of his uniform or remember his name, but I was too young to remember many other details, although he and bio mother used to say 'what a lovely, little family we all made'. These visits were full of love and I couldn't wait until the next time we all met.

I guess he's passed away by now, so no chance of DNA and the major DNA companies have all suggested the chances are almost zero. Other searches are impossible without a name.

Otoh, my bio Mum and I got on really well and surprisingly some of my hobbies aligned with hers even though that was not a conscious decision on my part. Many times over a lot of years she used to tell me 'you and I have got to have a long-g-g-g-g talk some day about something very special' but she could never bring herself to have that conversation.

If only I could turn back the hands of time.....

Even if future contact doesn’t last for some who locate their birth Mothers , finding out the details of their beginning goes along way to having peace of mind & instead of the continual
‘ wondering’ who, what, where.
Some also are able to have lasting relationships with siblings

My neighbour had always known that her and her sibling were adopted. She traced her birth mother and found out that her birth mother had married her birth father and had more children. She went to visit her birth mother who lived on a council estate and my neighbour decided that didn't want to pursue the relationship with her birth mother and it was clear that they were in a different class- she didn't contact her again!!! I was flabbergasted and really couldn't believe it and have always wondered how the birth mother felt about finding her daughter then losing her but not knowing why. Clearly it doesn't always work out.