Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

I base my opinion as two ladies in my group, after being widowed, seem to go more than a month without contact with their children

Hmm, it’s a long way from this to Why are so many elderly abandoned by their children !

In my own personal experience I can say that I was unwilling to tolerate behaviour from my MIL that I had seen my parents and grandparents suffering from their own IL’s and parents. There is more understanding in this day and age around mental health and people are more vigilant around managing their own mental health. The days of suffering through because “that’s just how he/she is” are over for many.

My own family of origin have maintained healthy relationships at every stage of life, and guess what? We all choose to see each other and engage with each other (4 generations).

So perhaps the issue isn’t those horrible snowflakes “abandoning” the elderly, but instead setting standards of a mutually enjoyable relationship. Simply being older does NOT entitle anyone to the time of another, especially if over the course of said relationship it hasn’t been a two way street for many years preceding said person feeling their own mortality. Age is not the key here - family dynamics are.

I don't think it's an epidemic. I think possibly it's a generation that feels they owe parents nothing. I'm making no comment on whether they do or not.

I cut my dad out of my life 25 years ago. I didn't even know it was estrangement then. I just knew he was a selfish arse that abandoned me at 11 and didn't see me again until I was 18. Also that he allowed his wife (my step mother) to abuse my brother.

My daughter has verged on estrangement with me a few times. It's a possibility. No, I haven't been a great mum.

So many factors:
1. Different phases in life - an elderly retired person has way much more time than a person who is working, responsibilities,kids etc.
2. The past may define the present.
3. Expectations - what does a person consider to be reasonable frequent contact? Is it visits on person or just a call is enough? Does the eldery person expect the adult children to initiate or they also initiate

Sorry, hit post early by mistake
4. What does the social life look like for the elderly person? Do they have hobbies, friends, take trips, etc or they rely on family contact for social interaction

With point no. 3 - if adult children and relative do not historically get along, personalities dont mesh, they just saw each other once a year or less, why change that when the elderly person feels "abandoned"?

Some families contact one another often, some don’t. Some people expect frequent contact and some don’t. I think some of the moaning we see on GN is caused by a mismatch between the expectations of one person and the normal behaviour of others. If Person A thinks that weekly phone calls are essential for a good relationship and son-of-A thinks one phone call a month is reasonable, neither is actually wrong, but both are likely to see the other as wrong. Person A thinks son-of-A is uncaring, and son-of-A thinks Person A is too demanding.

There are a lot of threads on here about family estrangement Sparkling so I understand why you are concerned. It's a shame we don't hear so much about families who support each other.
Parents and adult children no longer live close to each other and as someone else said its a two way street, some parents don't want to be with their children. There are so many reasons why this happens and its a great shame the family dynamic seems to have changed.

Yes its two way but there can be problems ringing adult children because more often than not you ring at the wrong time. Its not convenient, because they are going out, coming in, preparing/eating dinner, supervising homework, children being bathed/ going to bed, they have visitors, are doing yoga, etc etc so maybe older couples who might be less busy say just ring us when you have a moment and are free to talk. Then they wait....! And wait...mismatched expectations.
I know a few sad grandparents who miss their children and others who get visits on an almost daily basis. Somethimg in between might be just right.

We have a family WhatsApp group. People post jokes, photos, little bits of news. It's all very ad hoc. It's enough contact for me with the occasional phone call and suits them.

My MIL expected a weekly hour long phone call and week long visits. Times change.

My dear old Mum with dementia would tell her carer that no-one had been near all day when I was in the next room! On the other hand I do think our DC don’t feel they need to keep in touch so much, despite the fact that it’s infinitely easier these days than when you had to either write a letter or hoof it down to the phone box. Will our DC feel the same sense of responsibility to ensure we are looked after when we become frail as I certainly did with my parents? I would hope so but I have my doubts.

We always joked that our mother’s phone only took incoming calls.....
There are a couple of words/phrases I find overused. One I really dislike is “snowflake” so often used sneeringly about anyone who is sensitive? The other is “no contact” which seems to be resorted to so quickly if family members struggle a little to get on.

I have one son who rings most days, and one who may get in touch after a month and is not very chatty then (and yes, I do get in touch with him). We all get on with each other, but they are just different personalities. It has always been like this, since they went away to university thirty-odd years ago. Visits are rarer, because we live at opposite ends of the country. That doesn’t worry me, but keeping in touch is important.

Actually, thinking about it, my kids only really visit at Xmas. I hardly ever visit two of them, a bit more with the third because my in-law is really sociable.
Mostly we meet up at cinema, events, a meal. Not recently obviously.

Maybe the neglected friends should embrace their children's lifestyle a bit more instead of expecting "visits".

I would never expect my family to be at my beck and call. D and I phone each other every week and if she's got time to call in she'll do so. I certainly don't feel abandoned at all if she can't see me every week.

Esspee

So many threads on Gransnet about estrangement yet people pile on here to say they don’t see it.

You should also read the threads on Mumsnet on the subject of going no contact. It has become an epidemic.

Sparkling. I blame the internet for putting the idea into the empty heads of the younger generation. I see a selfish, entitled generation of snowflakes who think only of themselves, and resent the older generation who lived modestly to have security in retirement.

I am thankful that I do not have a problem with my children but I am very much aware that many older people are ghosted by their children for perceived faults such as not providing childcare or money.

Equally, you should read the threads on the Elderly Parents board on Mumsnet.

I see a generation of adult children, trying to work full time, raise their children, spend time as a family etc, making themselves mentally and physically unwell trying to fulfill their elderly parents’ expectations of them.

Not being able to visit your elderly parent as often as they would like is not estrangement.

Describing an entire generation (your children’s generation) as jealous, entitled, selfish and having “empty heads” is so wildly judgement, disrespectful and ignorant.

Sadly some old people are neglected by their families. When my mil was in a care home there were several old people who rarely got visitors. Of course many did get frequent visitors but not all. The staff said it wasn't always because of a fall out. Some of the residents began by getting frequent visits but the visits tailed off the longer the person was in care.
I ring my own elderly mother every day, visit mid week and she comes over for Sunday lunch. Not because she has always been easy and supportive...far from it ...but she did her best.

I have a close relationship with my own daughter with mutual phone calls, texts and visits with occasional breaks away. Not sure though that she will do for me what I do for my mother when I get older. She is a busy sole supporter of her family. She will do her best I'm sure but I may have to accept less support than I have felt able to give my own mother . Time will tell

I can only talk about my experience. I don't know what the statistics are. But I have friends and family whose children are very caring and who enjoy visiting. But there are those whose children don't. Although they're quite good at taking from them, they have little inclination to spend time with them.
My own children say they love me and they ring and text which is all very nice but I haven't seen my son in England for over two years. The son who lives 45 minutes away has visited me once since March to deliver food and once on my birthday in June. I keep in touch and send money and presents to them and the grandchildren. Its very disappointing. I told my eldest son it would be nice if we could have a group videocall on my birthday. It didn't happen.
Abandoned sounds just about right. And what's wrong with children taking some responsibility for elderly parents? My husband and I both cared for elderly mothers when they needed it. Why wouldn't you?

I remember my parents claiming not to have time to go on vacation when I was growing up - they had to work, they were so busy, I didnt understand the responsibility of being an adult, I was a brat and spoilt, etc.
Money was not a concern at all in not taking vacations.

Decades went by and they retired.
They now had all the time in the world.
I was then living in the US (2 week vacation policy) and working full time.

My parents asked me to go on vacation for 2 weeks with them + 2 more weeks in Xmas - new yearly tradition they wanted to start with me, their adult daughter

I said I couldn't, I didnt have vacation time yet (it had to be accrued) and I couldn't take 2 weeks and leave nothing for the rest of the year.

Their reply? "So take 2 more weeks unpaid or quit your job and get a better job. We now have time to go on vacation and we want to share it with you"

I said "I can go for 5 days". They complained it wasnt enough and 2 weeks was the perfect amount of time, nothing less would work

They offered to pay for my share so I would spend time with them.

I said it's not a matter of money but priorities and time.
I said they were on my situation decades ago and they would understand where I was coming from.

No, it wasnt the same, it was a cheap excuse.
I would make time for it if it was important enough for me and clearly "what they wanted that to be important for me too"
I lived abroad so the least I could do is vacation with them now that they *could take the time off themselves*"
They regretted not taking vacations with me when I was growing up but we still had time to fix it. "

Nope, too late. They chose to ignore my requests for years and we couldn't even compromise on how the new "tradition" would work.

I agree MawB2 but Sparkling didn't say anything about abandonment, that was brought into the discussion by Bibbity and Bluebell. The OP is about the elderly not being visited by their adult family.

* And what's wrong with children taking some responsibility for elderly parents?*

Because it’s straight up not their responsibility.

So, this opinion is based on anecdotal evidence from two acquaintances and not from national research?

I agree with annodomini and others:
Contact is a two way street! I contact them and they contact me.

These two older (certainly not elderly!) women are quite capable of picking up the phone or sending a cheery message on WhatsApp or similar.

Smileless2012

I agree MawB2 but Sparkling didn't say anything about abandonment, that was brought into the discussion by Bibbity and Bluebell. The OP is about the elderly not being visited by their adult family.

I am assuming OP wrote the thread title which does indeed use the word “abandon”

“Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children”

Smileless2012

Literally in the title.
Written by the OP.

It’s all a bit subjective I think. A friend lives in an area where the majority of families seem to stay within a few miles of each other. Daily visits are the norm as parents get older. She thinks because we see our adult children on an ad hoc basis, sometimes months pass, it’s bordering on abusive and has been known to tell them so. Fortunately they know her well and simply smile in response. We view it differently, understand the daily pressures they manage while knowing if we should need them they will be here. Each family has its own system, sometimes older people are neglected, often what is observed is simply a different system.

52Bright, I think if you spoke with many people running care homes for the elderly they would back up the comments you make. True there are lots of different family dynamics, know people with children living other side of the world, whose contract has changed because they can't tolerate the travel any more, but they face time and message and feel involved still. Phoning them when they have busy lives is a no no it's never the right time. Personally I feel sorry for anyone that has raised a family and has little in no contact. Do you remember that advert when a very elderly gentleman sat looking out of the window at people going by? It always bought a lump to my throat and I go out of my way now to speak to people when out, for some a shopping trip is their only contact. Glad that most of you have such good relationships with your families.