Pandemic could damage friendships

People blow hot and cold all the time. I had a very close friendship, I haven’t heard from her since last October. I’ve messaged her etc, have got no reply whatsoever, I saw something this morning on fb From her, (not to me) so I know she is still around. Given up now, I thought obviously that I was more important in her life than she did. A friendship of over 20 years and she’s just gone with no explanation.

The pandemic put everything in perspective - how to work from home, relationships, grocery shopping, need for companionship (or not), etc.

I feel pandemic has made our lives much more practical, getting rid of fluff and social obligations we had before.

As for friendships - it is hard to realize who is really your friend or not.

I was lucky enough to have weekly Zoom calls with my friends for months before we could meet.

Our whatapps may be silent for 2 weeks and on fire later.

If this lady is not truly your friend, you've better off without her. Better knowing now where she stands than needing her later and she is not there for you.

At the beginning of lockdown I made a list to remind myself of who and when I had phoned various friends/acquaintances. Only one has bothered to call me. After making three calls to each over the weeks I have now given up.
I don't think they do not like me, I think it is because they cannot be bothered and are surrounded by family whereas I am not.
To be honest I am feeling hurt and neglected, but I will not chase them anymore as I feel that would make me look needy.

I've gone right off a selfish friend who took little notice of lockdown or social distancing. She carried on pretty much as normal - so it'd be too risky to meet up - and I've lost all respect for her.

Brandygran I do think that can happen unless we are proactive.
You could find there is a good reason eg a friend has been ill but didn't tell you, events may overtake but also sometimes we can just drift.
Where has this summer gone?

Perhaps people change and we realise what and who is really importnant in life and let go of the utter dross.

Don't think that is a bad thing. New start for you.

I hope so as I am reluctant to leave my comfort zone.
Another friend, however, can't wait and has been out and about, on holiday, meeting friends and shopping.

Callistemon, the same thing has happened to me, with two people. I'm trying not to be bothered by it. But I'm a bit guilty too of not keeping contact.
Other people have said the same thing. I guess it's just maybe people don't have much to talk about now, are maybe slightly depressed or are becoming a bit apathetic.
Perhaps we will slowly get back to normal and feel more sociable again.

You've tried BrandyGran. I know what you mean. Let it go.

I do know what you mean, MawB.
I'm just wondering why a friend who bombarded me with texts at the start of lockdown has stopped sending them. They came for a self-distanced cuppa, we seemed to have a good time and we were invited back "some time" but so far zilch.

Callistemon

Swallow your pride and pick up the phone

I know Brandygran mentioned “pride” but I do think fear of rejection might be at the root of this sort of thing.
Since being widowed I find it harder to initiate contact in case I am seen as being “needy” or accommodated out of pity - but while Paw was alive, if a friend wasn’t free, I never gave it a second thought - whereas now? Well rejection can feed into loneliness and is frankly harder to take.

My dearest, closest friend - the person I can say anything to, no topic off limits - lives over 400 miles away. We met in 1972; she lives in Edinburgh, I live in a small town outside London (although we both lived in Glasgow when we met). Over the years we have both had busy lives and haven't met face to face too often, but we schedule a weekly phone call which is seldom less than two hours and there's always so much to say!

Now that we are both retired she visits for a week every year which is wonderful. So I don't agree that friendships slide without in-person connection -you just have to make sure you keep that spark going by whatever means.

I have friends i can go without seeing for months then when we get together it`s like we were together just yesterday.
We start off as we left off and usually in hysterics.
Time doesn`t matter if you have true friends.
Call her as she maybe feeling the same.

It is tricky, isn’t it?
At the start of lockdown I was in regular phone or email correspondence with two of my choir friends, but I have heard nothing from either of them for weeks now. With one, I think it is just that we have no news, the other goes away quite a lot normally so maybe she is away. Only one friend has kept in regular contact by WhatsApp but apart from her and my daughter, nobody else has been in touch.
If I make the next move I feel people will think I am too needy, and I do t want to impose.

Thx Valerie's for taking the time to post an understanding and thoughtful message. We always took out our diaries after we had our chat and coffee and arranged our next meeting and often she would remember that before I would. She has responded to my texts that I sent at beginning of lockdown but never initiated one . I waited but nothing came and it's now 3 months. Its hard when you don't know a person to give advice but it has helped to get it off my chest and read all the lovely posts.

Why don't you simply ring your friend(s)?

I've been meeting up with 4 friends, every couple of weeks - garden to begin with, then park, but now out for lunch (not all 4 friends together)

BrandyGran understand exactly where you are coming from. When you are the person who has to forge a friendship you start wondering why the other person doesn't ever instigate communication?

I once had a fabulous friend and we spent lots of happy times together. I looked after her dogs whenever she went away, house sat when she went to Canada. We went out often but all when I organised it. She was a massive person in my life but over the years I started noticing she only ever responded to my texts/emails, never contacted first and wondered what would happen if I didn't contact her? So, I didn't and ..she didn't. I thought well surely if she thought of me as I thought of her, she would contact even just to wonder where/how I was? No, she didn't. I thought that maybe she just didn't think so much of our friendship as I did so let it go..

Years passed and recently met up with another friend of ours who had met up with her also and she said to her "I don't know what happened to Val, we used to be such great friends but she stopped contacting me!". I was speechless as I didn't know what stopped HER from contacting ME!

So bottom line is you never know why people don't initiate contact. Sometimes though, you feel it is so one sided, you start to wonder if you are not really welcome? Maybe contact her and tell her how you feel? Which I didn't do.

Smileless what a really lovely story.

Brandy if you have other friends I would concentrate on them more and wait and see if your friend gets in touch. I understand the hurt your feeling it is very real, maybe our friends are the same as yours not really that bothered anymore.

I think some friendships just run their course and with not being able to meet up, perhaps some people have realised there are friends they don't really miss.
I would be reluctant to keep trying. No point in a forced friendship.
Time to move on.

Thanks for all your advice. I have lovely friends I meet up with weekly and groups monthly
outside. I also have friends who live abroad and as some of you say we just pick up where we left off.
I value your comments as I really couldn't discuss this hurt I feel with anyone.
I think I will let it go for now. Thx Calendargirl you GET my situation.

I was just about to start a “flakey friends“ thread when I saw this.
We have friends, a couple who we used to see every 3 or 4 weeks for days out also been on holiday with them a few times. I’ve rang for the last three times now, everything seems normal I’ve asked them to call for a coffee twice now, we haven’t seen them for 8 week . I feel bewildered so rang again today to ask if everything was okay, they just yes everything is fine, I tried to make arrangements with them to do something over the bank holiday only to be told they don’t think there doing anything, still bewildered ?

It’s easy to meet one friend, or even two if you are careful, but harder to accommodate a group of friends, and that’s what I am missing.?
Do text or phone your friend.

Oh why on Earth not meet-up I ve been meeting all my close friends apart from the first few weeks of lockdown If you want to see her and enjoy her company why not pick the phone up perhaps she’s sitting thinking the same thing ‘why doesn’t she phone she can’t care very much’

What is there to be too proud about I don’t get that bit at all

Some people are organisers some people need to be organised

Solid friendships will survive a few months of no physical contact as long as contact has been as usual on phone or internet.
I met my oldest friend when I was nine years old, she lives in Australia, we used to write occasionally then email, skype and now facetime. We see each other about every 14 years on average and pick up where we left off.
I have local friends, during lockdown we have texted or phoned and our friendship is just the same. If a friend hasn't answered a text I will pick up the phone to make sure they are okay and they'll do the same for me.
I don't understand the 'taking turns', if you feel like talking to a friend pick up the phone. I do understand your comment about pride BrandyGran, none of us want to appear to be needy but a friendship of ten years duration is worth a few more tries. Go for it.