Son angry that I am friendlier with other son’s parents

do you think he is unwell, mentally? could you ask your daughter law if he is ok?

Yes I do think he’s unwell.
I tried to bring it up with her ( this was after a crisis of sorts which we helped resolve but we were put through the wringer) but she says she must keep her husband’s privacy and I respect that .

do you think he has some sort of addiction? I'm sorry to be so personal. It just might be helpful if you received specific advice to help you deal with his communications

Oh Nothisagain I think I understand how you must have felt re your last two sentences.

I think his anger towards you has been there for a very long time, dont you?

It seems to be distorting his view depending on whether he gets his own way or not.

I see it as a good sign his wife is colluding with you over his behaviour. BUT, she is putting herself and you in a position where he can accuse you both of 'plotting' and getting himself wound up over nothing.

Is there something his inlaws might talk to you about that he doesnt want them to, do you think?

It certainly doesnt look as if his wife is causing any difficulties over you or her parents meeting.

Is he likely to be drinking or taking drugs to self medicate at all?

Sorry my post seems so negative. Not very helpful to you at all.

I expect, like me you'd just love to put your arms around him and put things right?
But life isnt quite that easy is it?

Addiction hasn’t occurred to me . He holds down a responsible job- not impossible though .
I think it’s more emotional- deep lows . He is very uninterested in the family which is hurtful - we’ve had health crises etc and no interest. If he needs something he appears normal

I don’t think the in-laws know anything more - it’s possible I suppose.
We were once close . Since about the age of 25 things have been different. He had a major disappointment and a life that had been all achievement started to falter. His anger and coldness seems to have increased since then. He does not discuss anything personal with us. The last was about 3 years ago when he rang in the night to say he’d messed up and we helped sort things ( it was just education procedures which he hadn’t completed because he seemed almost catatonic with depression)

He really should see a doctor I think from what you have just said.

We have 3 adult kids, all have in-laws in the same town as us. The only one we have over is my DIL's Dad, since he is single. We invite him for Christmas and Thanksgiving, etc. The other in laws we may see while out and stop for a chat, but otherwise do not see socially.
I've never even thought about it, nor considered that it may offend one of the kids. The invites could come around the other way, but haven't, so it is a non-issue.

Socialize with whomever you want to. You may hit it off with one of the couples more than the others, no big deal! If one of my kids wanted me to include in-laws to an event then of course I would, but it hasn't come up.

It really sounds like your son has issues. Perceived injustices and anger control. Can you have a quiet talk with him at some point? Let him know how you feel, and there comes a point where you cannot cater to his anger. Maybe recommend a therapist.

Yes he did at that time . I don’t know any details but one son said he had been given strong sleeping pills and other meds.

I think that’s why we haven’t responded to the abuse - we tell ourselves he’s mentally ill. But it can’t go on like this

Anger control is definitely an issue- I remember incidents from teen years .
But it hasn’t gone . The stream of texts and deleted texts - sometimes 30 at a time feel like an angry assault

Yes to the perceived injustices- this was why I posted to see if I was being unfair to have a better relationship with one set of sons in-laws . That was the injustice we were accused of

He knows he’s getting a reaction, hard as it is, just delete the texts, after sending just one back, as suggested previously that he should call, not text. We choose friends, including through our children, not family, so no, you are not wrong to be friendlier with some people not others. Children can be hurtful, because we love them, but would you tolerate someone else speaking to you like this? Probably not. So, time and distance and explain to your husband, get his support, maybe your son should txt him, not you.

Thank you all
It has helped to get some perspective

is it wrong for parents to have a closer relationship with one son’s parents in law than another’s ?

I don't think that is even the issue here. Your son unfortunately seems to have a chip on his shoulder and is frequently difficult in many areas. I do not think you should doubt yourselves.

Thanks
I’m astounded at how accurate you all are when I’m only giving a little info
I feel more able to cope - for now at least !

I only have one set of in laws and they live a long way from us, so only saw them at the wedding, so I can't advise if it's normal to be more friendly with one set than the other; surely it's down to personalities and how well you get on together?

I don't actually believe though that this is the real problem with your son. He seems to be trying to get a reaction from you for some reason; you can't do right for doing wrong!

He doesn't respect you and seems to be blaming you for something (yet still comes to you when he needs help; financial or otherwise). If it were me I'd send him an email, or letter explaining that although you love him and are happy to help in any way you can, you are not prepared to put up with his abusive messages and if he has a problem with you he needs to tell you, so you have a chance to sort things between you.

Did something happen to him when he was younger? Is it possible he was bullied, or even abused and it is manifesting itself in later life as anger towards you?

Is there any reason why two sets of in-laws should have a relationship? Distance precluded my having a close friendship with my DiL's parents but I enjoyed their company and was so sad when the MiL died and I attended the funeral. Still in touch with her husband at Christmas and on Facebook. DS2's partner's mother lives even further away and I have seen her only rarely. It's true that we don't have much in common except our grandsons, but we get on together when we do meet.
Your son is to be pitied, I think, in that his outlook is so distorted by such irrelevant resentment of your preference for one set of in-laws over another. Is there any good reason why he should even care about what really doesn't concern him or his own relationship with his in-laws? it appears to have become an unhealthy obsession when he should be getting on with his own life and relationships.

All of your responses are reminding me of what I should remember or giving me food for thought , thank you

It’s upsetting and enraging ( you don’t want anything to do with your in-laws but I’m at fault for not being friendly enough with them??) to get these messages but of course this is not normal.

There is something deeply wrong.
How do I help my 35 year old when I’m not even next of kin?
It comes from sadness jealousy resentment fear etc. Then I think how have I contributed? Was it how I brought him up?
There was some bullying at school I think, I found out years later. I think some deep trauma happened more recently and hasn’t been treated.
We as parents are the punchbag

Whether you can do something about the situation or not, I think you should talk this over with your own GP. It's surprising what help he/she may have at hand which will give you some more background.

I am no expert just a wife, mum, grandma and aunt.
I can only speak from my own personal experiences and these are my comments.
First of all you are a person in your own right you do not have to answer to anyone who you are friendly with least of all an angry son.
Your son sounds like he may have mental health issues or have additions of some sort, could be jealous or full of envy. The thing I think for sure is he needs to speak to someone about his problems.
My husband and I had a problem years ago with his mother. She favored her daughters children above ours. I can honestly say she never took them anywhere ever, but couldn't do enough for her daughters children.
I felt heart broken for my daughter when she came home from school one day and asked me why she was never asked to stay over at grandmas when her friends at school stayed over every weekend.
The only thing you can do is be as positive and loving to all your family offering advice where it is asked for and living life as best you can.

In answer to your original question, no I don’t think it’s unusual to have different relationships with each set of In-Laws. I have 5 married sons, so five sets of “in-laws”. All are lovely,and we see each set when the kids have a party and both sets of families are invited!
However, if I didn’t like a set, I would be very nice,smile a lot, say yes in the right places, just for family peace! If I really liked one set over the others I would invite them for dinner, a bbq, (have done this) and met in the pub, and that is absolutely acceptable too. You have a very very difficult situation. I feel so sorry for you. It’s altered/altering your life! Your poor son ?. He is mentally unwell and needs huge input to understand why his brain is misbehaving ☹️ The most you can do is humour him ( don’t throw petrol on the bonfire) and ask your D.I.L to persuade him to go for serious mental treatment. I wish you well, please keep us posted. ?????

I hope that your son is not mistreating your daughter in law as well. He sounds like a very difficult man to live with.
I have an older sister who has had mental health issues since she was 15. It took ages to get the correct diagnosis. She used to lash out at our deceased parents and her behaviour affected the whole family. If he does have mental health problems it will not be easy for him to accept this. At her worst my sister just did not believe that there was anything wrong with her, everyone else was at fault. My mother used to say that xxxxxx was her cross to bear in life. So sad.

Honestly?... I would be far more concerned about the health and safety of your daughter-in-law... dealing with this every day.... she must be at breaking point.. if not already broken..
Your son is walking his own path.. but please take care of this girl...

You sound so wound up with worries and introspection and there is probably not much you can do for your son anyway, he will have to make up his own mind on the way he moves forward. Maybe you would consider counselling for yourself to clear your thoughts a bit and work out a way to deal with his behaviour that works for you and your husband?