Dating a widower with adult children

GagaJo

Grandmabatty

Hmm, I'm not surprised they are upset then. I think it was far too soon for him and his children. That is not judging you for the relationship at all but this family haven't begun to grieve their loss and dad is moving on. I would let him go.

Yes. I had a friend who did this several months after his wife died. There was a quiet withdrawing of most of the friends he had who were also friends with his wife or with him and his wife as a couple. People that had supported him during and after her death gradually cut off contact with him.

Fortunately, he came to his senses after a couple of months, realised it was far to soon and ended the relatioship. Now, 8 years on, he is engaged to and living with a lovely lady. Much healthier and everyone is very happy for him.

I love the term ‘came to his senses’. If I had ‘come to my senses’ when I met my now partner, I’d be living a very different and lonely life. There’s no right time to begin again - everyone is different, but that doesn’t stop others from sitting in judgement. For some reason even though they have their own partners, their own lives and don’t come home to an empty house every night, they think nothing of condemning others to just that kind of life for the crime of finding happiness again. I lost two very good friends and a family member who couldn’t get on board with the thought of my being with someone else. Sadly I no longer see them - their choice, not mine, but how I chose to live my life after the hell of losing my husband is no one’s business but mine.

I don’t think it is you. It will be anyone who has a relationship with him. Obviously you aren’t a gold digger and your partner can see this . I feel you need a family meeting . Write down notes to help you with your conversation even if this is done via Zoom
etc . It is awful what has happened to your partner but he deserves to move on and regain his life. It looks like you live in separate homes . You have somewhere to live and seem independent. Explain you both want friendship and support or would they rather have him living alone and lonely?

Given additional details, I can see how the AC are annoyed

I am not saying they are reasonable or unreasonable.

It is hard for all parties involved

DiscoDancer1975

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

You worked for the family ? In what capacity did you work for them ?

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

So a full 16 months after his wife passed away his family were still pressurising him to the point where he ended your relationship ? I hope they’re proud of themselves because from the way you described his distress when he ended it with you he was just beginning to realise that life goes on and you can be happy again, and they’ve plunged him back into a miserable lonely life because of their ‘disapproval’. To all those posters who think the OP and her partner are in the wrong I can tell you from first hand experience that losing your life partner is devastating - it’s the worst thing you’re ever likely to go through. Yes, his family lost their mum, but he lost his wife. If you think grieving ends when you meet someone else, think again - the decision to start a new relationship is a very hard one and it throws up a rollercoaster of confusing emotions, making the new relationship a very fragile one to start with. To pile on the pressure just as he would be moving past this and looking more to the future is not a nice thing to do to someone you say you care about.

1Nana2025

DiscoDancer1975

Maybe just give it more time. I can’t see if you’ve said how long it’s been since the death of his wife and son. It must be so difficult for all of them.

On the surface, it does seem harsh, especially if it is just money that’s the issue. Perhaps just play it down and see how things go.

All the best

She passed 7/2020. Not the son, he witnessed the tragedy with his father. We started seeing each other about 8 months after she passed.

Thank you for clarifying 1Nana2025. Sorry, I misread that about his son, how awful for him.

I don’t know if 8 months is too little or not to be honest. I suppose it depends on the people, and circumstances around the death, rather than the time itself.

Time is a great healer, and as I said before, you just may need a bit more of it.

If it’s early I can understand the children being upset. I would give it a bit more time and you never know he may come back and your relationship will be stronger for taking the time and being sensitive to his family. I wish you well.

Maybe that time period was right for him but it obviously wasn't right for his children and he has probably made the choice to put them first.

I'm sorry you had to have your feelings caught up in that

I think there are worse things in life than being called a gold digger.
Are you planning on marrying him?
If not then I can hardly see why his adult children have any cause to complain. They should be grateful to you for giving him some happiness after the death of his wife.

I have a friend who has been widowed twice and is now "seeing" a widower, who happens to be rich. His AC are not 100% behind the liaison either but my friend and her new friend are in their 80s and don't care at all. They don't live together but travel and holiday together.

Is this poor man not allowed to have friends! What bullies some AC can be.

Is it the fact that you have apparently worked for them all, though you don't say in what capacity? Do they look down on you because they employed you, for instance as a cleaner, and feel you've used that to start the relationship? Just asking if that is a possible reason and they don't think you're 'right' for him.

This is distressing for you and equally hard for the person who has a family that does not approve of their father having a relationship.I am sure who ever their father forms a relation ship with will be seen as nothing more than' after money'
It is now up to you.How long are you prepared to remain without companionship.? I can imagine what this mans feelings must be knowing his family's attitude towards you and highly likely any person their father has a relationship with will be treated the same.
As others on GN say. Play it down get on with your life. I add to this and if a chance of happiness comes into your life then take it.

Eight months is very soon. I wonder if they think you’ve moved in on their dad now because their mum died. Men do seem to move on more quickly than women when a spouse dies, and that often seems to upset AC. The fact you were known to them all before may make it worse, they might wonder if something was going on before etc. if it was somebody unknown to everyone, and say two years down the line the relationship started, I imagine less AC would have an issue with it.

Be kind and patient. It sounds like they lost their mum prematurely, and in awful circumstances. I suffered a sudden bereavement of a family member a year ago and am still finding that very hard to come to terms with. Another six months isn’t going to make it magically better, and you ‘appeared’ in a romantic domain less than a year in.

Adult children are still grieving their mum ,regardless of her age she was their mum.It will look to them as if she has been sideswiped to make space for you
,Thats not good,
Take a step back ,if its right you can give it another try in a few months or a year .The Dad may well be on the rebound too and thats not a healthy start to any relationship .

Sound advice paddyann54. It’s a very short time and the children will still be grieving.

How long ago did his wife die?

There are compromises that can be made if their concern is their inheritance. His money could be tied up in a trust or similar or given away now, you could agree not to marry, he could write a will leaving everything to them…….you know what?………that’s ridiculous, they are being selfish and uncaring. If he can’t stand up to them he doesn’t deserve you.

My thoughts are that your children are your children all your life , this new partner may be a temporary thing and the children should come first .I'd hate anyone to try to come between me and my kids ,even though they are grown up .If the relationship is meant they can revisit it in time

They are in agriculture. I’ve worked on their farms, taken care of their grandma, watched their kids, cleaned their houses and mowed their lawns. I suspect part of their problem is ‘dad’s dating the help’.
But he is the one who pursued me. And no, we never did anything before the wife’s death.

My friend dated a widower - and his children made her life absolute hell.

Yes, they thought she was after his money (although she has plenty, far more than him) and they said it was 'disrespectful' to their late mother too.

They threatened to deny him visits to his grandchildren, so basically, it was a choice between her or his family. He reluctantly chose them - so she gave up on him. All very sad.

Thanks for explaining what you used to do for them. I think it may be a case of Dad dating ‘the help’ as you say.

So when is the date he will be ‘allowed’ have a new partner? Perhaps his children need to give him a date/time so he knows when he can.

Is there a big age gap between you?

Tbh if I died I would want my husband to be happy and to find someone else.

He needs to stand up to his children and sort out his finances but then again perhaps you’ve had a lucky escape. They don’t sound like nice people at all.

I think it’s probably a mixture of everything that has been said above. Everyone’s grieving process is different and what might feel right for one will feel really inappropriate for others. Whatever the reasons are, could you perhaps both take a step back but without ending the relationship? You mention going out for dinner in a small town. You both might be comfortable with that ( and that’s fine) but to them it might seem as if their Dad is giving a very public message that he has forgotten his wife. They don’t have the right to tell their father what to do and everyone deserves to be happy but they are hurting in a very different way to their father. He can do something about his loneliness but they can’t replace a mother. Very sad situation all round. I don’t think confrontation is very helpful in this case. Maybe keep your relationship with him quite separate from them for a bit longer to help them adjust? hope you manage to resolve this. Life is too short to be sad.

I have no desire to "meet" another man, though I feel very lonely, my youngest son told me some time back, (dh died 2 years ago) if I wanted to be with someone else that was fine by them...

How very sad for all involved... and we do NOT replace a dead spouse with another one... (shaking head here)

Libman

I think it’s probably a mixture of everything that has been said above. Everyone’s grieving process is different and what might feel right for one will feel really inappropriate for others. Whatever the reasons are, could you perhaps both take a step back but without ending the relationship? You mention going out for dinner in a small town. You both might be comfortable with that ( and that’s fine) but to them it might seem as if their Dad is giving a very public message that he has forgotten his wife. They don’t have the right to tell their father what to do and everyone deserves to be happy but they are hurting in a very different way to their father. He can do something about his loneliness but they can’t replace a mother. Very sad situation all round. I don’t think confrontation is very helpful in this case. Maybe keep your relationship with him quite separate from them for a bit longer to help them adjust? hope you manage to resolve this. Life is too short to be sad.

I absolutely agree with the comments here....

Wise words indeed.

I know 2 families where the father, being widowed,wives died ofcancer, the fathers remarried having started dating with in a few months of their wives deaths.The children, either teenagers or young adults at uni understandably distraught at the disrespect and haste to replace their mother's and there is the awful gold digger aspect whereby in the 3rd instance the woman the father married had twice married widowed men and they'd died and she walked off with the house etc leaving nothing for the kids of the men she married..