What do I do with a husband , he's 77 & I'm 78, who shouts at me.

Tell him you’ll leave if it continues. It’s abuse.

What do you usually do when he does this? Is it recent?

Is it changed behaviour?

Does he shout because he’s deaf or because you were in another room?
If neither, tell him to keep his voice down please in future.

Hello Meer. I was going to ask the same question as Madgran because if this isn't usual it could be an indication of an underlying health issue.

If this is the case, maybe you could have a chat and find out if he's worried about anything or having any physical symptoms, then encourage him to see his GP.

If it's something he's always done then follow Oreo's advice and tell him to please keep his voice down when he's talking to you.

You could shout back!

Ask him if he needs his ears syringed because everything he says is a shout and you know what a kind person he is and would not want to appear abusive.

Energy is expensive these days

What other examples can you give us?

Oh dear! I shouted at my old man because the heating was on and he left the back door wide open ….again!

shouting back doesn't work because he's got a much better set of lungs than I have and it wouldn't be an exageration to say he can go on & on & on. Just like his mother.

I know it's abuse but where would I go ?

Bless you. Perhaps I should pick him up on things I've let go by

Tell him quietly, but curtly, to close the window and the door and move out of earshot. Alternatively, turn the heating off.

I know his hearing is much worse than mine because of how he has to set the volume on the TV.

Tell him that if he doesn't stop shouting at you, you will ignore him when he does - and do so.

M0nica

Tell him that if he doesn't stop shouting at you, you will ignore him when he does - and do so.

Hi Meer

I'm still nor clear how long this has been going on for? Has it been low level shouting and controlling by it, (ie you avoid saying anything that might lead to shouting over a long time) and recently got worse

or is it relatively new

in the short term Monica is spot on. Longer term you have actually say, "where could I go"

Do you mean another room, your own TV/ your own "you"space, or splitting up?

Tell him you are not there to get shouted at and let him to close the window and door if it annoys him. Then put your coat on and go somewhere for a coffee and cake and let him stew for a while.

Pretend you can’t hear him and let him bellow like an angry bull. When he shuts up ask him what’s wrong. He may then have an apoplectic fit or worse and you will be rid of him.

Meer is this a change to his behaviour or has he always shouted at you?

Say to him. ‘There is something I need to say to you. You have got into the habit of shouting at me for every little thing. It is making me very unhappy. I am not prepared to live like this. I may not have many years left and I want a peaceful enjoyable life. So stop with the shouting.
If you feel you can’t stop the constant shouting, perhaps we should call it a day’.

Pythagoras - I will try to channel your calm clarity when I have to say something 'difficult'.

Has he always been like this? You say he's like his mother, so I expect not.
I very much doubt that leaving is realistic advice, however I would tell him the next time he raises his voice, you will won't put up for it, tell him he needs to get his ears tested and he is making you feel ill. You can't live walking on egg shells if he's a problem talk not shout at you. I would get out as much as I'm able and get interests outside the home and turn a bedroom into my space, hobbies and your own tv, then he can moan about the bills to his hearts content.
I live on my own and do get lonely at times but it's much better than living with someone whom you don't get on with.

Hithere

Energy is expensive these days

What other examples can you give us?

In this current climate it’s sensible to try to conserve as much heat as possible, so wouldn’t it be best to keep the bedroom door shut if you’ve opened a window. At least the draught from the window will be confined to that one room…or if it’s too hot, turn the radiator off.
Like Quokka, I grumble at my H if he allows an open window or door to cool the house.

Pythagoras I think your advise is spot on
I have a similar grumpier husband these days
This seems to be a phenomena with friends husbands also they seem to loose their cool and get aggressive more as they get older

The advise I was given a while back about suggesting he acts his age not his shoe size is very good on a similar thread

I think there is learned behaviour sometimes

Both his parents used to shout to get their own way although I never saw that they were always polite to me ..
So that behaviour was concealed

It’s never right to shout or be abusive to get your own way
It’s bullying too
I prefer to avoid the space and not interact but really it’s a problem that wears you down and you have to ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life