My stubborn elderly mother

Talk to the care agency if they didn’t turn up last night that’s unforgivable
It’s been a shock to her system even if she was doing well in hospital that’s because she had a cause to aim for…. getting home
Perhaps she off her food from being ill and the bad chest
Don’t be fearful of giving meds just follow the instructions Carers aren’t allowed to give meds
Did you organise the careers yourself or did SS arrange it ? If they did get back to them and make sure they come in tonight and talk to them about what you NEED

You talk of relatives can’t they take a turn ?
Can you talk to your own doctor and tell him how weak and ill you feel ?

Its a long time since my Mum died - but it was her care manager who bullied me into caring for her to the point when I had what we used to call a 'nervous breakdown'.
It's so very very hard to say no. I didn't, and my last memories of my Mum are still full of resentment.
So sad.

M0nica

She won't see sense. Accept that and then tell her how much you are prepared to do for her. Do not discuss it with her, do not let her harrass you to do more.

Just tell her that you can no longer manage any of her cleaning and you will not be doing it anymore. If she decides to live in squalor that is her choice.

Stop fulfilling the role of the obedient little girl who always does as mother tells her and be, with her, the mature adult woman you are with everyone else.

Your mother will probably try every way she can to shame, embarrass, blackmail or hound you into doing what she wants. Just say 'no' and walk out. You know what you can cope with and do not go one step further.
.

I agree totally.
You’re an older woman yourself, visit her but don’t do any cleaning.Lay it on the line firmly.
Nobody can be bullied without their consent.

The carers should be giving your mum her medication. My mums do. Tell them you can’t cope with the tablets and it’s all too much.
My mum always seemed to take two steps back in her recovery when coming home. She also said everything tasted funny and wouldn’t eat. Don’t worry too much about eating , would she have milky drinks or a meal supplement, you can get these on prescription.
Ask the carers what they think about your mum being home. They can call the Dr or an ambulance if need be. Try and get some rest.

The carers should be documenting their visits in a folder. My mum often says they haven’t been but I can easily check by looking in the folder. If for any reason they can’t visit they should be getting in touch with you.

You ring your GP if its a decent surgery or the local Mental Health crisis line (daytime in week when more people there is best)

and say what seems apparent to me - that you are having a breakdown (which you will if you let this go one). Do not be palmed off with anything less than a home visit, or with the Crisis people or GP contacting the team at the hospital for rapid response to your home. You have to let them hear the end of tether desperation so they see 2 very vulnerable people not one with a carer.

I am so sorry ypu are going through this. I can empathize as I am going through similar with my Grandmother.

I wish I could offer some advice. I have none as I haven't been able to find a solution either.

care workers have been known to write up visits they haven't actually done.
only proof is a camera.
or where they used to have to ring their control from the client's home phone, to log the visit.

You don't have to take care of her.

You can tell the family that you don't want to and that you're not.

and unless they help, she has to go into a facility or live home alone .. perhaps have a carer or someone else to live with her24/7 .

You mention that the seasonal cleaning is coming round. But why? If the house is cleaned regularly there is no need for spring cleaning, if she insists, just say there is no need and it is too much for you.
Make sure you look after number 1. Too often women forget that and put themselves way down the list. Sometimes I think when is it my turn? Look after children, then parents (neither of which I begrudge), but just sometimes think what about me.

Carers we’re not allowed to give my Dad his medication
We bought a dosset box for him and then he could do it himself

Don't know where you live but if she has come home presumably she has a proper care package put together. If so she's incredibly lucky as care is very difficult to arrange just now.
Carers do sometimes fail to turn up, ring the agency concerned and complain loudly.
Check her care package includes them making her meals and giving her her medication. Tell them (not her) that you are not prepared to do these things (she may have told them differently).
Work out exactly what you can do and stick to it.

I thought carers can’t give meds out of their boxes . Although if they’re in a blister pack or dosset box they can give those to the patient with water and check they’re taking them .
Could you get the pharmacy to put the meds in a blister pack with the times and days . Then there’s no way you would overdose .