Advice needed its my Bro and Sis Inlaw

I’m afraid your brother in law is one of these vocal idiots that gets off on shocking people I would indeed put him in his place your DH on the other hand really surprises me in not sticking up for you and to tell his very immature brother where to go ! My own husband would certainly do that, we wouldn’t be putting ourselves after the first time of it happening in a position where we would have any contact at all with them, they sound vile

Oh dear..

I hate bullies .
They make other people's lives a misery .

Your husband should support you from his brother and his insults and schemes .

I wonder if his brother has always been a bully , who intimidates people and he's intimidated him in the past and that's why he's not supporting you as he should .

If your brother in law's wife is sitting there with a grin on her face she's probably thinking , thank the Lord it's not me being got at .
Bullies recruit people to support them .

Your brother in law is a bully , who thoroughly enjoys making fun of you and getting a reaction .

Take a deep breath -
don't lose your temper and certainly don't slap him even if he does deserve it !

If you can't avoid him - by cutting him completely out of your life -
try and anticipate him and store up some smart arse answers .
So each time , he asks you if you like sex try answering well you two obviously don't together after all you' ve both had affairs !

And laugh !

Most bullies are cowards , who have built up this way of defending their fears .

I saw one of my friends shoot a bully down . She made him blush , mutter and beat a hasty retreat .
She watched her mother being mercilessly bullied by her father throughout her childhood .
Her first husband abused her and she developed one hell of a thick skin .

Wishing you lots of luck with this .

Never see them again, ever. Simple.

Your husband obviously may do as he wishes, but I admit I'd be disappointed if mine didn't have my back and estrange from them as well.

As others have said, you have a husband problem.

You are not obligated to have these people in your life. So many people think that because they didn’t stand up to bullying relatives that their spouses must accept the same dynamics. Toxic cycles continue when people accept the status quo.

Let your husband see them on his own. You owe them nothing. If your husband is content being spineless having reached grandparent stage, you can’t change him. I’d simply let him know you won’t be wasting holidays with them and spend time with your own family.

If he gives you push back, call him out on why he feels so bold trying to force his wife into spending time with bullies when he doesn’t even have the guts to stand up to a man. Him pushing you to spend time with these vile people makes him no better. I have words for men who cower in front of other men and project onto their wives…but my comments wouldn’t be suitable for gransnet

Cressy

Seems to me you have two problems here - your BiL and your husband. The first is easy to resolve. Cut off all contact. Don’t bother with just limiting contact - they are abusive to you and don’t deserve any consideration of their feelings. The second problem is more difficult. If you normally have a good relationship with him them inform him of what you are going to do and why. Ask why he hasn’t supported you previously as it’s obvious it upsets you. That may lead to opening into deeper problems in the marriage of course which you may have to deal with but it sounds like that conversation is well overdue. I wish you luck.

Good advice. Difficult for you to face but very necessary

To be honest the “do you like sex remark” justifies a knee in the groin from you.
Cut off all contact and say why if he can’t be civil why visit.

Katie59 thought about reposts to that one.

"there's them that talk and them that do".

that would just set them off even worse tho,

My sister married an awful man.

We haven't seen them for about 6 years now. I decided I'd had enough of his boorish behaviour.

If these awful people were not family you would have nothing to do with them. So don't. Your DH isn't going to sort this out, whatever his reasons so just don't see them, at all. If anyone asks why just tell the truth because BiL is so rude and vulgar I don't wish to spend time in his company

Don't enable this ghastly couple by being their victim. Refuse to see them. If your DH does, that is his decision. You will find it refreshing to dump them from your life.

Totally agree with HousePlantQueen

Just because your DH is related, there is no law saying you have to see them. They sound absolutely awful, and you would not put up with a stranger or acquaintance being like that, so why them?

I am sure they will use the old chestnut, that it is 'banter' and that you cannot take a joke etc. These type of people always put the blame on their 'victim'.

You have free agency, so just do not be in their company