To ban the mean MIL to see my children?

Your husband is not going to agree to your banning his mother from seeing the children so to try this would put you in a position of weakness as you will have to back down. It might also put a strain on your marriage which you obviously don't want.

You will have to be very calm and reasonable over the incident. Explain - perhaps in a letter - your position and why you think your MIL is overstepping the mark. Get someone to check the letter before you send it for content and for clarity/accuracy.

Let things cool down, let the children visit MIL with their Father, you have no obligation,she is not your Mum, be glad of that.Good Luck.

I agree with Diddy1. My father always took us to see his parents. He took us on Sunday morning and my mother used to say that she had to stay home to make the Sunday dinner. Very occasionally we would all go together.
Children learn that relationships are difficult and when they grow up can analyse things for themselves but they probably enjoy their grandparents' company and you can't punish them for the behaviour of any adult.

There is something not quite right about this scenario, IMO. Strange that the OP has not been back - wouldn't such a stressful situation prompt her to return to see what advice had been given. I also query the access to diazepam ... just saying, and apologies if I have upset anyone, especially the OP.

I tend to agree retrolady. - maybe just "letting off steam" ?

Sometimes the best way to get round a difficult Mil, dil, fil ect is to kill them with kindness!! it puts the onus back on them and often your own changed attitude towards them makes life easier

As your son is 10 you must have got on OK for quite a while now so please dom't let this ruin things. Wait until dust has settled & go & see her by yourself for a talk & work things out just between the 2 of you. I know you are hurting but maybe she is feeling bad about it too by now.
I had a difficult relationship with my own Mum at times but it would have been cruel to the children to stop them from seeing her as they would have missed out on what was usually a loving GM.
No family is perfect & we all have ups & downs.
Be the bigger woman & make the first move towards mending this relationship & don't let any one else get involved. It is between the 2 of you.
Very best of luck. GC needs GP & vice versa & we can be very useful as babysitters!!

Please do try to talk calmly to her to try to sort this out and find the reason for her acting this way. I see it from the other side. I have not seen my grandchildren for 7 months not through a ban but every time I try to arrange a visit, they're always too busy. I'm retired so can fit it with almost any time and don't live too far away. It hurts and the children should be able to see their grandparents.

Being a mother in law is one of the hardest jobs ever! Talk to her, give her a hug, show a little love and I hope you get some back!

There's something pretty dire going on with DILs these days which feels like they're working out some other issue/s maybe with to do with the relationship with their own mothers and/or family dynamics. Siding with their own mother's quest for power?

I was told by a young woman once that she had noticed how many of her contemporaries treated the husband's mother as a threat - as if she is 'the other woman'. And how ridiculous this is.

What a first-base solution - to ban contact with the GC! This speaks volumes to me.

The MIL may be unwell. Speak with the FIL and other family first. Then in light of any information and if still appropriate speak with MIL privately and tell her what you will not accept and how you will proceed if she repeats the behaviour e.g. you will walk away or whatever. Don't argue, just let her know. Keep respect bith ways.

I wonder why it is that you have Diazepam to hand? Are you under other stresses that may colour your thoughts towards this really minor spat. Your mother in law was unpleasant but did some underlying problem make you cry?

It may be that you need some support with your health.

Parties, weddings,visits often end in tears and life goes on.

I would take time to reflect before making any decisions that will cause hurt to others, perhaps your husband viewed things differently at the time. It is so easy to see things through a lense of your own making and then make matters worse (I am the queen of this so know it to be true) please settle you own feelings before making a decision.

I have also learnt in life not to make all my decisions at once, if you do decide to reduce contact do so over time and with as little drama as possible, play it cool and take a look at side effects of Diazepam, it can be a bad thing for some people.

Every situation takes more than one person to create, even if one of the parties is only responsible for 1% of the upset, try to take some ownership of your end of all this, was a party a great idea if you are an anxious person?

Try and get some balance back for yourself, don't put yourself under pressure again.

Wonder where our OP has got to?

I asked that question early on radical

Always suspicious of those with random names who post then don't return. I'm happy to apologise if I'm wrong, maybe she just wanted to vent and has calmed down and worked it out for herself.

But, as anyone who has manned any kind of emergency helpline will confirm, you do get a lots of time wasters and wind-up merchants.

My late MIL was very manipulative and domineering. She once hit my child in front of me and was I mad! I was a young mother brought up to respect my elders and I said nothing to her. My husband saw nothing wrong with her behaviour and let her rule the roost for years, and the oner time I stood up to her, hubby fell out with me for upsetting m.i.l. He couldn't see the maniputative behaviour till we moved away for work reasons and m.i.l. Threw an enormous tantrum! Anyway, my adult children only remember their granny as a lovely old lady which is good. I'd keep my distance, let the kids and their dad visit as much as they want making sure that u have an " appointment" to stop you going too. Children are not possessions, please never use them as weapons nor let anyone else do so. Alternatively carry on as usual and watch how your children behave round their gran, and note if they are happy and comfortable round her. Life is too short to argue. I know, I was involved in a major accident two weeks ago and am lucky to be here. In the past I've been on prescribed diazepam. If you need it, feel extra sensitive. Good luck, let us know how it goes .

Good point anya.

Thanks everyone for kind replies. Sorry for not replying sooner as kids are on holiday and we had their friends visiting ...

Regarding the questions: I have diazepam because I have flight phobia, to the point that I panic and can't breath when flying. It's sth I wish none of you suffer, it's awful. So my doctor gave me these to make me able to copy to fly!

My in-laws live abroad so we had to fly to see them that's why I have the pill with me, never thought I would need it in my son's birthday!

I haven't banned children to see her or threatened anything similar. I have calmed down and realised her out-of-character is not quite right, but no matter what , she has no right to treat me like this.

I have since writen her email explaining how she was wrong and how she shouldn't interpreter things in a total negative way instead of talking to me, I welcome talk, but she never said a word about how she felt. I advised her to get help if there are things in her life making her stressed and so angry. Hubby read the email said it was very calm and positive.

Most of my friends, also mothers and daughter-in-law, have said how awful I was treated like that considering we flew all the way there and I was the only "outsider" there. They said if it were them they would have taken the children and left there and then, never to speak to her again.

I now see both sides' opinion. It's interesting to see how two sides react different

I won't stop her seeing the children , but I wont consider her as a close family member and respect her the way I used to do anymore. I was hurt not just how she behaved that day, more because she seemed only focus on finding faults in me, and she was someone who I actually tired to love and considered a family. Family don't do this!

If there is family event, I will still go just because I actually like my father-in-law and my sister-in-law, but will definitely stay away from her. It's probably for the best.

Btw, she hasn't yet offered a proper apology , didn't bother to explain exactly what's going on .

I am putting this behind now as I have a busy life to live. I choose to be happy , her issues have nothing to do with me.

So sorry smiless2012 and I am in same position with my sons partner, who not only kept my son away from me, but has stopped my grandson even knowing I exist. He thinks his step grandma is his real grandma.

I did see my son for first time in five years last year. Only because had had split from his partner, but as soon as he went back , all communication has ceased.

Fortunately. I have come to terms with it and I have another son and granddaughter who I see a lot of. I do think it is the most wicked and cruel thing you can ever do by keeping grandchildren away from grandparents. It's about control and so spiteful. It's as if that parent controls the children. As some other comments say, what if that happens to you. No parent is perfect, and you might find the same thing happen and then know how devastating it is. You can stay out of your MILs life but let the children keep contact.

I notice assumptions & judgments being made about Diazepam. A bit less rushing into these would be helpful. Much more constructive is the sensible advice about keeping a distance from situations which might lead to further confrontation, until everyone has had a chance to calm down.

Obviously I don't know anything about your Mum-in-Law regarding her age etc but is it possible that she has some sort of mental health issue (maybe early dementia or menopausal psychosis)as her behaviour sounds very like that a friend of mine encountered a few years ago (especially as her husband seems to have been was on your side ... maybe he knows something you don't). Please don't stop your children seeing their Grandma ... that will punish them as well (especially as you son didn't notice anything odd at his party so won't realize there is a problem).

And the fact that you are taking diazapam means you might have over-reacted a bit ... when I was taking it the slightest thing "set me off" on a "Everybody hates me" kick!

Hope you sort it out soon .... I've been a daughter-in-law (twice) and a mother-in-law (twice) and we can sort out our problems because we ARE adults after all. Wishing you all the best.

Given that OP's parents in law live abroad, it all seems a bit academic. The original post certainly expressed a lot of anger and resentment but now that OP appears to be home again and to have calmed down might I suggest this was a bit of a storm in a teacup?
Phrases such as I am now in pain and have never felt so hurtful (?) and I would like to ban her from seeing my (not "our"?) children again as she approved (?) how terrible person she was are too easily bandied around and certainly sounded as if OP meant it at the time.
I am glad all seems to have calmed down now, and maybe lessons can be learned ?

Diazepam can be addictive, I am even more concerned that It is prescribed for fear of flying yet it is being taken when upset with a mil. That's not what it's for. The lady appears to be using it when she thinks she need it other than just when flying. I use diazepam for my ME and arthritis to help me sleep but do experience mood swings if I over use it. Just don't over use it remember its also known as Vallium.

It's never a good idea for adults to argue in front of children, especially when it's a special day for them. I'm certainly not condoning this outburst, but was there a reason she was upset ? We all see the world differently and maybe there is a grown up discussion needed so you all understand each other better.

Your MiL behaved badly and without care or thought for her grandchild. Do not fall into that same pattern of behaviour. The important person here is the child. His needs need to be considered. If you decide to stop contact with his grandmother, whom he probably loves, that will hurt him. It will cause tension between you and your husband and husband's family. That will hurt your son.

If you want the best for your son swallow the hurt pride, bruised esteem and disappointment. If I were you I would write to MiL & FiL and thank her for hosting the party. Say how disappointing that the adult row upset part of the day but hope that, for the sake of family harmony she can let bygones will be bygones. End it on a cheerful note e.g. John loved his present and being with the family.
Show letter to your DH before sending so he knows you are holding out the olive branch (and hold the moral high ground). If a similar occasion happens again you are then in a stronger position to discuss with DH reducing seeing/visits to MiL. Others obviously realise she is a 'difficult' person so you will have support. Good luck.

Thanks PatB, you see the problem. I think I just happened to be there and taken as her target to release her anger or whatever ... Hubby said he has seen her snap at his dad before...

Yes I am sure my father in law and sister in law know what' going on, they were comforting me all way through and FIL said he has lived with this for 40 year of marriage . Now I felt sorry for him .

I did wish the MIL well and happy in my email, as I am almost sure she is suffering mental issue.

Re diazepam: it did not make me angry, it does the opposite. I wouldn't be able to fly without it, neither could I calm down after her snap and continue to enjoy my son's birthday.

Sorry OP missed your last post..ignore mine!

Daphne, your last comment made me chuckle ...

To call it a bit of storm in teacup, well, that has to be a massive teacup and made of steal as it was a nasty storm