advice please re abusive relationship / housing

jelliott I really don't know the answers to your questions, but I just wanted to say how much I feel for your intolerable situation and really hope that you find a solution soon.
I'm not entirely convinced that you have no claim on his house, but I'm sure others who have more knowledge will post soon to offer you some guidance.
At least you've taken the first step - in your head - by accepting that you have to make a change. You will get there, just stay strong.

Good luck

And just a tip: because there are so very many threads about the referendum, other subjects are tending to drop off the bottom of the "Actives" list, and are then in danger of disappearing into oblivion. So if this does 'disappear', just post 'bump' in the message box, which will bring it near the top of the list again so that people will notice it.

jelliott, is there any way you could contact your local Citizens' Advice Bureau, or even ask your daughter to do this on your behalf, if you don't feel up to the trip there? If you lay the facts before them, they should be able to give you the right info.
Would you be able to get a sofa bed for yourself, so that you could stay with your daughter when she moves? Money might be tight for you, but it's possible to pick up some great bargains at secondhand outlets such as Furniture Plus, Bethany Trust or Salvation Army (all in Edinburgh area). Good luck. Stay with us. x

Is there not a fund for nurses who fall on difficult times,could the RCN.help.

jelliott so sorry to hear of your difficulties.
You need to get some expert advice before you do anything at all. You may well even have property rights, particularly after 20 years together and possibly even some kind of maintenance or pay off as well so do not move until you know if you should or not although I appreciate there may a question of your safety.
Perhaps your daughter would discreetly take care of anything precious to you and you might think of ensuring you open a bank account if you do not have one.
If there is any likelihood of violence then you must also keep your counsel and say nothing until you have taken advice and have a safe place to go to. You need to be prepared to produce as much evidence of violence as you can giving dates, times, medical evidence and witnesses if you possibly can.
If you are sufficiently disabled you may qualify for other things but Citizens Advice or similar would help you with this. There may well be help with housing if you do go to live with your family and are in an overcrowded situation or are in a place of refuge and considered to be disabled enough to not be able to manage things like stairs for example.

Try to see a solicitor who does the free half hour scheme. I think you may have some claim on the house even though it's officially in his name.

Also contact your local domestic violence unit. They'll be able to give you advice. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Both leave you damaged.

What happened to your wages btw? If he took your money then he was also a financial abuser.

jelliott

Reading your post shows what a good job your partner made of making you feel inconsequential.

I'm sure you have property rights. You need to get legal advice.

You are a special person and you matter.

Go and see someone and find out where you stand financially. This person has had 20 years of your life, it's time you had some of your own now.

Bless you x

hi thanks for all your replies = I have packed all my things from my childhood and the few bit i've gathered through the years and taken them to my daughter's for safe storage. I could manage to fit the rest of my stuff into my car at a push so that's a worry off my mind. I have been in touch with social services and they are sending someone round to see me on Thursday so i should be able to get good advice and help from her. My partner had issues last night because i was ill and needed him to stay with me so he told his daughter he couldnt go round for a chat and she then cut herself a 4" gash across the top of her arm and got drunk after two months of being dry. she admitted it was because she is used to having her own way and didn't like being told no. I have kept neutral and just ummed and ahhed in the right places but now his anger is aimed at her and not at me for once. I have told him that if she pulls a stunt like that again i will not stay woth him and he just said 'well lets hope it never happens'. iknow that it will - he is juts being blinkered and expects too much. Thanks again for listening and sharing your thoughts with me - as i said i am new to forums but it is a nice feeling to know that someone's out there.

Jelliot you can leave an abusive relationship and get help with housing, finances etc. Your local council should be able to help and of course there's always the police domestic violence unit if things are very bad.
I wish you well in your new adventure,not an easy step to take by any means but amazing how liberated you'll feel in time. After you've left you can then contact a solicitor regarding your share of the marital home. Just because your name isn't on the deeds doesn't mean you have no entitlement.

When I escaped my life started. Just make sure you have somewhere to go so that you never have to go back. Good idea to move stuff to your daughter's. I moved stuff to my sister's. On the day I escaped I simply packed a case an walked out.

Well said vampirequeen, I totally agree. When we feel we've hit rock bottom the only way is up!

I support all of the above. Legal advice is essential. Citizens Advice Bureau can also advise. I sent my personal property to a friend for 'minding' and left with a full car load of my stuff to stay with her for a bit. If your family has offered to help, I would possibly go with it. There is nothing like family to give support but it can produce stresses and strains on relationships so clear thinking is a must. Plan carefully. I also think you will have a claim on the house as presumably you have contributed to joint living. It was one of the best things I ever did to leave as my mental health was precarious to say the least. Good luck and let us know how it is going.

I've been in your shoes,but I was much younger and with two small children. Having been an Army Wife I also had their support. Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to start. I had to fight for my support from the Army and was told I would be better off staying with my abusive husband. It is difficult but so worth it. Life was a struggle at times but you only live ones so make the best of it. Good luck and let us know how you get on

just a quick update - my things are sorted and i have lists of what to take - basically if it doesnt fit in my car it will get left behind, not an easy task when the dog takes up the whole of the boot and his things take all the front seat! I am going to stay with my daughter and when she moves north i will fo with her and then try to get help with housing. I will have doctors, consultant and psychiatric letters to back up my claim. Then i want to start a new life with nice new friends that i can choose for myself instead of not being allowed any at all. Just so many positives and not many negatives so am just waiting until august if i can stand it until then and that'll be goodbye to the crap life i have had for the past 20 years and onwards and upwards! thanks again for all your support. xx

So glad to hear you've decided to come away with your daughter and the little ones, jelliot. You've made that first, and very major move - well done!
Wishing you all the very best. x

Well done jelliot, you are on the right track, think worrying and preparing will be worse than actually leaving so wish you the best of luck. The citizens advice bureau will be helpful as others have said and will probably give you details of others who can help.

Way to go!!!! Welcome to your new life. Being a escapee is fantastic. Sometimes it can be a bit hard but never as hard as it was when you were with your abuser.

jelliot even though the house was inherited by your husband it may still form part of the matrimonial assets as it has been your home. It is worth checking your status with a solicitor regarding this - you can often get a free half hour advice session.
The other thing that I would suggest is that you start salting away your important papers and clothes in dribs and drabs - possibly leaving them at your daughter's home when you visit.

This was a while ago so not sure if it still stands but I partly inherited a house after my second marriage.... when my marriage broke up we had only lived together in this house a year but I was told he had a right to half of it Luckily we worked it out and I took on some of his debts in exchange for his not contesting my house but I think you do have rights even if it's not your house if it has become the family home

Jelliot - Just reading through this old thread and I wondered if you managed to make the break and how things went?

Hopefully you're now settled in Edinburgh..............

Good luck!

hello jelliot...you are not alone....im of similiar age to yourself...have always been the housewife & mum..cook & cleaner etc...putting everyones happiness first..
I too have come to realise and admit that i'm in an abusive relationship..by not being allowed to work part time..have friends outside the family...told which nieghbours i am not allowed to smile at/speak to..
told that I have a 3 story house to clean..& elderly father to care for since losing my beloved mum.spoken to like im a pig...sit at the dining table alone every evening....not allowed to visit mums grave the same time as her sister...who has been very il too...as my h dosent like her.have items snatche from me when trying to help him...explosive outbursts if i havent made his native dish perfectly....feel nervous when he comes downstairs each morning...I need to find the courage to get out...so intimidated by threats to turn my family against me.....But I know I must at some point find the strength...after 36 years of being a devoted mum/wife.....how on earth do i pluck up the courage....financially i have nothing....advice please ladies.xx

Gather all your ID stuff, treasured photographs, birth and wedding certificates and important papers, your cash, passport, driving licence etc and give them to a friend you can really really trust. Get in touch with Womens
Aid and they will advise you from there. They will come and collect you if necessary. If you are in immediate danger phone the police and tell them you need a place of safety. ??

Even If the house is owned by your husband you would be entitled to half so seek legal advice, or go to citizens advice or women's aid. look into all options and be brave. my mum stayed in a very unhappy marriage through fear and despite knowing she should go she never did. Speak to your family, maybe they can help. Good luck.

Hi - just to let you know that at last i am ready to leave this toxic relationship. Things have gone from bad to worse so on Thursday night i am leaving and moving from London to Scotlnd! If it fits in my car its going with me, if not i'm leaving it behind. My amazing daughter has found me a flat and paid the deposit and i paid the rent so its all arranged. Its so sad to see 21 years go bad and get to the state it is in now. I know it will be hard and heartbreaking but i know i've got to do it for my sanity, Thanks for all your help and thanks for giving me the support i needed to make this decision. Wish me luck and strength! xx