Another wedding problem

This is a very difficult situation for you all. Really if your son and grandchildren are invited it would be very rude not to invite her too. How to persuade your dd is another matter, that will take some tact and care.
You are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't.. She may behave at a wedding or choose not to go but can't be ignored as she is part of the family.

This won't be of any help, I'm afraid, but with weddings seemingly so complicated nowadays, I begin to wonder why people don't just go and get married quietly with a couple of witnesses on standby.

I'm sorry about the feud in you family, eddiecat, and hope something can be worked out.

Hear! Hear bags. My just 15 year old DGD said only last night "Why can't people just have a humble wedding these days? Why does it all have to cost so much and be such a big fuss?" There's hope for her generation if more think like she does!

So sorry for you eddiecat - you are in the middle of it and it must be a nightmare.

Could you extend an olive branch to DIL now? I'd suggest just the four of you get together to talk things over for two reasons - 1) Your DIL isn't outnumbered and 2) There's every possibility that her relationship with your DD is part of the problem. Since you have no idea what has caused the problem, be prepared to really listen to DIL. You don't need to agree with her, but understanding her viewpoint would probably help your relationship further down the line. Your DS will likely be relieved that there's a chance of patching things up.

The above suggestion is entirely separate to the wedding dilemma, but if things take a positive turn it may solve itself. (And ditto if the outcome isn't positive).

Sorry notnecessarily.... we`ve gone down that road many times and got absolutely nowhere. The situation started 7 years ago when DIL didn`t want DS to have any relationships she couldn`t control - this extended to us, DD & even son`s friends. She is slightly less controlling now but she just doesn`t want us in her life - or the children`s lives. The ridiculous thing is that we live 200 miles away so were never going to be seeing a great deal of her.
I knew DD felt strongly about this but was expecting her to have a bit of a strop which I could have talked her out of - I wasn`t expecting her to be so deeply distressed.

Your DD shouldn't have to go off and have a quiet wedding, but if she is going for the works, perhaps it should be laid on her shoulders that it then gives her a duty maybe to include certain people, like it or not. My DS's partner attended DD's wedding, but they adamantly refused to stay at the venue despite having children to put to bed early. In the end she chose to stay til after 10 as the kids were tripping the light fantastic later than expected. The point is that your DIL is like mine, and would behave on the day, and mine, like yours has a difficult relationship with us and often doesn't accompany the rest of them on visits. If your family exclude her it gives her ammunition, so your DD simply has to prove herself the bigger person in this.

I feel for you families and weddings can bring out the worst in people but not inviting DIL will only lead to more bad feeling on the day there will be lots of people there and as you say she isn't likely to cause a scene I hope your DD rises above this and shows herself as the better person also chances are if she doesn't invite her then her brother and nieces and nephews will miss out as they probably won't attend either.

Am s newbie. Can you tell me the codes please?
I recognise DIL as daughter in law but DD?

Dear Eddiecat, I am facing an almost parallel situation as you and it feels horrible. My DIL who married my son 4 years ago, used to act in a passive/ aggressive way, I was forever tip toeing around her moods and feelings so that I would not lose contact with my son, as I had a feeling this was at risk, as they had already cut off all our family and even their own friends. Seemingly everyone was at fault except her. The only two people that were invited to their Wedding was her mother and myself. She objected to her own sister and my DD. To be honest at that point I couldn't care less to have gone, except for my son's sake. I think you should try at least one more time to build bridges or find out how she feels because like me, she may end the relationship altogether and you might not see your son and grandchildren again if she holds them to ransom. Some men will comply and walk away from their families, just to keep the peace with their wives. I have not seen or am likely to see my son and DGS again because of this, so try it and see. But be supportive to your own daughters wishes too and see that she doesn't need this kind of conflict before her wedding. Good luck.

Lol, I have just read your second post, and am wondering if you are actually me? The only differences are the details - 5 years and 300 miles in our case. The controlling - yes; going down that road and getting nowhere - yes; not wanting us or DS's family in her life -yes. Its baffling isn't it. When DS does eventually come up, he is allowed to bring the daughter and stepson, but the wife usually backs out a few days before, and says she is busy Japanese tidying the house, probably chucking out any last vestiges of gifts we have give, lol. The wedding happened in secret too on the other side of the world, and the photos have never been allowed to be shown.

I don't envy you and your DD your dilemma. I am another who can't understand why people put them through all the angst that can come from arranging a wedding. They have a tendency to take on a life of their own and the potential for putting noses out of joint is enormous. We only have one daughter and she has been with her partner for 24 years. They are very shy people and always said they couldn't face a wedding, even when we suggested they do exactly what thatbags said and grab a couple of witnesses off the street! I do hope you find a workable solution to your problem and have a happy day.

Monkeebeat, DD= Dear daughter

I am hopeful that we will be able to persuade DD as we are only too well aware of the consequences if DIL isn`t invited.

But DD has been so hurt by all of this & has been witness to how much distress it caused to us & the rest of the family. She isn`t bothered if the grandchildren come as she has had virtually no contact with them & they haven`t got a clue who she is (they hardly know who we are). But she is desperate for her brother to come as they were very close before DIL started causing problems - and he does want to come.

so if she is desperate for her bro to come, then she has to invite the rest of his family

You can't win and so I'd just accept that its your daughter's wedding, your daughter's choice and she has the final say. Back off, let your daughter sort out the invitations and tell her that you may not agree with her but you respect her right to control who comes to the wedding.
They sound as bad as each other - your daughter and daughter in law.

Eddiecat I really hope your DD can be talked round but I know how stubborn DDs can be when they have seen their mother hurt. It took me years to get my DD to agree to be in the same room as her dad after he left me.
Unfortunately if DIL is not invited it will just be handing her a stick to beat you with and your DS and you are the ones who will suffer worst. Weddings are strange occasions with so much going on and your DD may hardly be aware that DIL is there, and it sounds as though there is reason to hope she refuses the invitation anyway. I feel so sorry for your DS.
I understand absolutely your DD's decision but hope you can get her to see that it can only make matters worse.
Wishing you all the best.

I had to work these out too Monkeebeat! DD is darling daughter DS darling son, DIL daughter-in-law SIL son in law DG darling grand daughter etc!

Welcome monkeebeat Look at the top of the page above the forum name, eg Relaionships for this one, and click on Acronyms

Try to point out to your DD that she is allowing your DIL to cause family distress and particularly to herself. Every time she gets upset about DIL she is allowing DiL to upset her without DIL doing anything more. She is allowing DIL to upset her.repeatly and spoil her wedding preparations when DIL is 200 miles away.

To stop DIL doing more harm is to invite her with her brother and children to the wedding. If DIL doesn't come (good) but she can't say she wasn't invited. If she comes you say she doesn't behave badly and apart from a perfunctory greeting DD doesn't have to do anything else and DD will have the moral high ground.

She must think how she would feel if her new husband wasn't invited to a family occasion and there are always difficult personalities in family groups. By not inviting DiL you are asking your son to choose between his family and his wife.

Also at the wedding people will be asking where your son is, so your DIL will be spoiling the wedding without even being there.

Why do these women(DILs) behave so nastily...and worse ..why do these sons allow it!

Dear Daughter.

I do feel for you. Trouble is , when sons marry or take a partner, they will naturally defer to them whatever happens. Also DD's wedding day, so should be as she has hoped for....? I go by the preamble that things never go as you thought, and they are either much better than you could hope for....or much worse! Perhaps they will separate before then, my DH says things have a way of working out, and he is often right, though I could cheerfully hit him when he says that!

Ajanela - you might have the best solution. If I can point out to DD that she is playing into DILs hands by not inviting her I might be able to persuade her.
I was really shocked yesterday when I saw how upset DD was - I think she has been bottling it up for ages. I`m going to leave it a while and then try to have a calm conversation with her - and also try to talk to DS and find out if he knows how his wife is likely to respond to an invitation (apparently when she heard DD was engaged, her first reaction was "the children won`t be going")

What on earth makes these women act this way other than being of a very controlling nature. I wonder if they ever think this might happen to them when their sons grow and take partners. They must be extremely unhappy people, and at some point realise how horrid they are. I have had same problem with elder son. He splits rom her then we see him. Then she crooks finger when she wants something expensive or is ditched by a new partner, and then son goes running back and that ends our relationship again. Fortunately I have an ex DIL who I am very close to, and younger sons partner who we get on well with. For anyone to keep GC away from GPs is cruel and heartless.

Eddicat78 It's your daughters wedding. She needs to remember it how she wants it to be. Talk with your son, and if he can, he will come on his own. Your DIL does not like your family. Why would she want to come anyway, other than to be nosy and criticise . Let your daughter do what she wants. She is already stressed about the wedding. Don't make her do what others want her do. It would be bad for all concerned.