DIL problems advice needed

If my DiL had come around, no matter what the reason, I would have leapt at the chance to babysit. It would be a start and who knows where it could lead. I agree with Petallus that she is as much a victim in this situation and that your son has a lot to answer for - maybe if you get the chance to build a bridge, even if you think you are being used, grab it.

I would offer to babysit as a way of trying to improve your relationship. If you want to help your grandchildren by being in their lives, here's a good opportunity. It doesn't matter what her motive is, really x

Sounds as if she was waiting for you to fill the gap her sister had left, even though she didn't come right out with it. Would it do you any harm to take the opportunity?

Carol, I know you are fragile about all this but as I said in my previous comments, try to see things she does and says in a less negative light. Until one of you lets some of the past baggage go you will both be locked into this desperately said situation. Its the future that counts not what has happened.

What a lovely message Hilda. Completely the right way to go. Batten down on any thoughts other than the welfare of your grandchildren, an open mind/heart towards your DiL, however hard that may be, and who knows to what nice future that may lead. I would give my eye teeth for the opportunity - don't waste it.

If my estranged daughter made the slightest move towards me, I would be overjoyed and I would not let my pride stand in the way, even though she has treated me so badly.
As I have asked on another thread - do you want to be right, Carol, or do you want to be happy? Sometimes you just have to decide between them.

Carol, all I can say is that giving unconditional love (which I am sure you have) and time (which you may or may not have) - will pay off in the end. It is your GS who is the important one here, DIL and DS should have the skills/maturity to deal with their messy situation.

With our DD - a very different situation from yours, our giving unconditional love and support for years, is now paying dividends. Everyone wins.

My DiL is exactly like that - and my son has never had an affair or done anything else against her!

We 'Out in the Cold Grans' may be laying it on a bit thick for Carol - it is so easy to hand out advice but we don't stand in her shoes. Sorry Carol.

Nanban, I think I would jump through any hoop to retain the wonderful relationships I have with both my daughters and my two GC. If I felt that for any moment I would loose it I dont think I would be able to see straight let alone function. You are hardly 'laying it on thick'.
Thankfully, apart from a couple of blips when my elder daughter was younger (and I was more than happy to bite my tongue and wait it out as she sorted herself out - though it was dreadful at the time) I have been blessed. You have every reason to tell us that we should be very careful to treasure what we have. I hope that you find some resolution.

carol Maybe that was DiLs olive branch. Benefit of the doubt would be my response because of the potential future opportunities. Phone and offer to look after your DGS for her and everyone is a winner. Good luck

I don't function, I get through the days - barely. There is nothing I wouldn't try to find my son and grandchildren, it is all I think about. But I am not Carol and not standing in her shoes so many of us banging on about her having to placate her DiL maybe tough for her.

Nanban

I think what I find so hard to deal with is the fact she did everything to turn the little boy against his dad and for a while it worked he started to hate his dad and say really nasty things to him. Now he does the same to her so she hasnt gained really. My son took up a hobby at weekends which takes him away from home at least one full day 7 - 7 sometimes both weekend days and I think its probably because he saw it that the little boy didnt love him or want him around. You see my dad did similar to me so we are going way back here - he got custody of me and drummed it in that my mum was bad crackers etc even said she was dead at one point ( she actually had a breakdown probably due to domestic violence from him) I didnt see her for 8years he stopped all access. I hated him for it and always will. And now I can see her doing similar to my little grandson it really gets to me. Why cant adults just fight their own battles instead of using kids as weapons?
I really think I have disliked her since the day she sat here with grandson 18mths telling him over and over again daddys bad daddys spiteful daddys nasty u hate daddy dont u Mummy is your best friend. Me and my daughter didnt comment we were too shocked.

Nanban, no I dont suppose you do. Am so sorry.

Carol such a mess, I do hope that your DIL can find other ways to sort her life out. She sounds a bit like an addict who has to hit rock bottom before she sees the damage she is doing. I can understand your son finding ways of being out of the house but its probably not the best solution. (Once again easy for others to say). In an ideal world you all need some family councelling. There used to be such services about to help families but suspect what with cuts etc etc. There is an organisation called Home Start that is used to support families with children under 5 going through any sort of problems. I think referals come through HV or Drs. It gives a Mum or a Dad an impartial ear and support to help them through tough times.

Dreadful, terrible, unbearable but you must never stop grabbing at any straw and keep trying whatever the personal cost. And you son must never believe that his lovely boy doesn't love him, he must continue to love him unconditionally and it must come right in the end.

I can never thank you lovely lot on gransnet for all your loving thoughts and support.

Nanban You are so wise. I truly believe that unconditional love will always find a way through a family crisis.

My unconditional love for my daughter and three of her children has achieved nothing. She is now asking her daughter and her partner for money although she has a reasonable income. I think all her accusations were just an attempt to get money out of me too but even if I could afford it I would not enable her to buy more drugs. She has started to insist that the two boys at home (28 and 21) pay her some board money. I think they should (one is unemployed but gives her all his JSA, the other is at college but has a weekend job and gives her half). I am hoping they will finally see that she has a serious addiction problem, as her eldest daughter has.
I am afraid addicts have no conscience - they will neglect their children, beg,borrow and steal from their family to buy their drug of choice.
My only hope is that she will reach rock bottom and be hospitalised - otherwise she is going to die or end up in a psychiatric ward or prison.
If she shows the slightest desire to contact me, I will welcome it, but I can't ever give her money now I know what she does with it, so she will still be very angry with me.

& {{hugs}} to all of the grandparents not able to see your DGC or DC for what ever reason. I feel so very lucky and privileged.

Hugs and kind thoughts of sympathy for you Greatnan

Greatnan I think you're brave, your daughter is lucky to have you there still loving her and being ready to help if you can in an appropriate way, even if she doesn't appreciate it at the moment.

greatnan
You said that your unconditional love achieved nothing.
You are so right.
When people push the self destruct button, nothing can stop them.
And they will do anything to try and drag those close to them into the abyss.
Their abyss .
The little country which I am originally from- Holland -, have been advising people who have addicts in their family to throw them out. Not that they ( Holland ) know everything.
But even when said addict is only a teen ager , if they do not wish to rehabilitate they have to go. It may seem harsh, but one addict destroys a whole family.
Obviously, you know this, and have coped with it.

I am so sorry Greatnan for all your troubles. We all think our personal troubles worse than the next but standing helplessly by, whilst someone you love is on a self-destructive path is truly terrible. The only comfort I can offer is that you will always find us all here ready to listen and be true friends.

P.S greatnan
Should have said : you are coping with it instead of using last tense, and admirably so.