cut out of thier lives 2

To all you sad Nanna's out there I thought I should offer you another viewpoint.

I didn't have contact with my parents after I had children. When my children were 12 and 14 I suddenly asked myself what example I was setting my children. Was I teaching them that what grown-ups do is not speak to their parents?

I arranged to go and visit my parents. It was a nightmare journey - I didn't really want to go and managed to get comprehensively lost, so turned up late, children starving, prepared lunch ruined etc.

My parents were so thrilled to see me that I didn't have the heart to go home when they asked me to stay the night. Can't remember how we managed - no clean knickers, no toothbrushes.

It was worth the effort though. My Dad died a couple of years after I got in touch. My children have a better and closer understanding of me by seeing where I'm from. Time is a great healer. My mother is no longer the women that I remembered, and I have changed to. We have managed to build a new relationship. My Mum's already seen more of my 2 year old GD than she ever did of my children.

There's always hope.

You know, I work with children every day of my life . I see and hear the sparkle and love in every sentence they speak when they speak about their grandparents and I can't cry .... It would wreck everybody's day . That's my philosophy at the moment . Marelli , sincere sympathies and to all a good night !

Otw, it must be so hard for you, but you're so right. I've decided (for the moment anyway!) that I have to just get on with things, because if I don't, I'm going to fall into a pit of despondency and I'll be no good to neither man nor beast like that - and I deserve more than that as well.

Sad,sad,sad!
Ive starrted taking st.john's wort which is a natural mood inhancer, now uped it to three per day, they def. help, but the sadness is always there, I feel I will never see my beloveds again, they are growing up fast, and I am now a stranger! I really don't know how my D can do this to me, my children were and are everything to me and I loved all my children with all of my heart and would do anything for them.
My NiceD got back from Indonesia Mon, where all the family went to celebrate her dad'd 60th, nothing was said about the situation over the whole two weeks! Her grndad gave her dad a plastic env. with pics of our Laila and Jack (GC) and the final doc from the courts stating 'contact order refused', My ND and I both think this was given to upset her (ND) which it really did. My ND has said she dosen't want to talk about it any more, I said 'its the thing I want to talk about the most, as it is always in my mind, day and night, night and day!' I'm just always soooo sad! Especially as most of my friends are always gushing about their GC, photo's and all, they have said, if it upsets me they wont mention the subject, but Ive said, 'no, dont do that I love to hear', but of course it really breaks my heart

My DGD named me , before she said Daddy or Mummy. It was extraordinary ! I know that had my DD not been in such emotional turmoil , my DGD and I would have been the greatest of pals . I and my family have been totally excluded from her life now despite my daughter having gotten back in touch in July . I don't know what to make of it all but I'll be damned if I don't take the life my dear Mother gave to me and do something good with it . Please let me know fellow sufferers , that you are enjoying these days ; it would help me to know that our lives are as valuable as those whom we look back on and miss ! I would be interested in the thoughts of mygrannycanfly in the years of separation; it might be helpful to us , should our children change their minds ( or partners ) . Let's melt layers off the cast-iron weights around our hearts . Today I vow that I will some form of exercise ( crying does not count ) with my lovely H. I'll report back !

I hope you did otw13 waiting for report back and so sorry that you back in this hell hole but we can still enjoymurnlives and we certainly must

Hello Girls,
Its all gone quiet on here!
So sorry Otw that its all gone backwards again for you. Its good what you say re: 'life my dear Mother gave' I think of my Mother a lot, I would never for 1min. do to her what my D is doing to me now, I am sad all of the time, its not as raw or as painful as when it all began, but still so very very painful. I went out on Friday night, had a wonderful evening, dancing, a darling little girl, just like my little precious Laila was dancing through our dance circle, so very sweet, my heart was full.
Unlike most on here I don't have a husband/partner, so no one to comfort me in the dark times, of which are a lot. I do have a precious little westie, without her I don't think I could have gone on.

Dear Yogagirl,
You've got us gnetters with you in spirit. Wishing you strength and peace . We all have to discover a route out of the pain dished out to us by those we love . I have my coping strategy , everytime I allow myself a sad memory or negative thought , I have to do something very nice for someone else and it's amazing how much better I feel. Ultimately it is our children's decision; we have to realise it's their loss and that we have to live our lives in a way that strengthens us should they change their minds . I hope my DD does but I've got good memories of my DD and GD which she can never take from me .

Otw that is so helpful keep posting strong messages like that! I know someone wh went court successfully and she just emailed me saying don't give up keep sending stuff but it's been 5 years and the mental torment is making me I'll we have to try some way out of it.

Morning Girls
Thank you so much for your kind words Otw, coming on here helps me tremendously, it really does. Im sad all the time though, had a terrible nightmare last night about finding my D under the bath water and trying to revive her!
Celebran I know how you feel re:'ill', I have three friends recovering from cancer, I've already decided if I get it, I wont get treatment, I'll just die and end this terrible pain in my heart and soul.

Dearest Yogagirl ,
That would be too sad because one day your grandchildren may want contact , and we all have to stay strong and wait for that day. And even if it comes after we've gone , people who knew us have to be able to say she lived with grace and strength. So , believe me I know how deep and physical the pain can be but work on your strength of mind . I know someone who lost their husband and son through sudden death ; she was lost for a while but she is an example to me now . She is the most energetic 74 year old who is intelligent, caring and creative . She lives her life as a celebration of life itself , something I want for my DD and DGD , so I have to do the same so that I can be an example should they change their minds . Dear Celebgran , I greatly admire your fortitude . It's coming up to birthday time and I shall send mine cards and put money into an account for them; I'm really not sure what's best . I know that I should let them go , it's hard but it's their decision not mine and they like us , have to live with it .
I wish you all a good night and peace in your heart . Believe you've done all you can , in the knowledge that we are all human and flawed and that our offspring are the same . Love them by letting them go and help yourself to human kindness ,wishing all fellow sufferers strength to all of you and sincere sympathies .

Ps . My exercise turned our to be gardening ... It's great and gave me a real sense of achievement and stiff legs , back and arms !

otw lovely post.

It certainly is otw wish we could meet up!

Lovely post Otw and well done on your gardening
I am feeling better today, trying to think more about a happy reunion, rather than the sad loss of now. Thing is how would you stop yourself saying what you think of D cruelty over this long seperation?

So glad you're feeling better , and it would be really great to meet up . Dear Yogagirl ,I don't know how one doesn't mention the pain but in many ways , it will be much more important just to hug them , listen to them , watch them and enjoy those moments if they happen as opposed to remonstrating with them . Trust however is the real obstacle to future relationships . So I've decided to just take a day at a time , and hope that one day , my DGD or DD will want to renew a connection but I will not depend on it happening . After all at some point, my DD find me staring back at her in the mirror as I see my Mum now ! [ flowers]

Ah! Otw thats a lovley post, I need to take a leaf out of your book

Just wrote a message on here, then lost it, makes you feel even worse than b4 you came on, when that happens, so here goes again
Morning Girls, no news on here again today. Ive no news only that Im more sure now that I will never see my D or precious GC again, it pains me to even write this. I feel the only way I can continue with my life is to 'forget' them, but how do I do that?
Im sooo sad every single day, I think of them almost every minute of every day, so how do I just stop!? Im fed-up with this never ending pain, I go to bed in pain, I wake up early hours in pain and spend the entire day in pain, just want this pain in my heart and soul to stop! but it never does!

Yogagirl - it does get better, although the pain never leaves you entirely. I no longer wake up every morning and think about my 'lost' daughter and her three children, but I do still compose letters to them in my head, on my long walks. It is two years now since I got the first devastating hate-filled letter from my daughter and it seems I have grown a scab over the wound in my heart. It helps that I have another daughter and seven grandchildren (including her eldest daughter) who know the truth of the situation and love me very much.
I get angry when some people, even on this forum, which is usually so supportive, tell us that we must have done something to deserve our treatment. I didn't carry out the operation that led to my daughter being put on highly addictive pain-killers and I spent seven years of my life fighting the legal and medical establishments to get her fair compensation at enormous emotional and financial cost to myself.

Otw - thank you for that wonderful post.

Hello Greatnan
Thank you for your helpful words, you did good by your daughter and certainly didn't deserve the cruel treatment dealt out to you by her, same as me, I was always there for my daughter, she had done some terrible things to me in the past (changing my life as I had it) and terrible trouble for me to sort, but I was always there for her, helping and protecting and loving all the same, so being nice and helpful and loving doesn't cut it with our daughters.
I feel a strange calmness, now that I have finally got it into my head that they are no-longer part of my life and I must move on and not think of them 24/7. I think, like possible others on here, I thought every day about ending things as I was so desperately sad all the time, its a horrid thing to have in your head. I have another niceD that tells me she will be starting a family soon, so I need to keep strong to be here for that wonderful time.
It makes me so sad to think of my little Laila calling my s.i.l mother 'nannie' when she is no blood relative at all, but a very cruel women in pushing my D to do this to me, my D and I had had not one bad word, when this all happened, by my s.i.l hand, helped by his mother - jealousy!

Yogagirl. I have no doubt that when Laila is old enough to make her own decisions she will make contact. You must keep that hope going! Look after yourself.

Yogagirl - your words 'being nice and helpful and loving doesn't cut it with our daughters' are so true. I thought I had been all these things, maybe I was wrong. I am still in regular contact with my DD and GD (thankfully) but it was touch and go for a while. I have had to learn to keep my thoughts to myself.
My story is not as sad as yours but I feel excluded and sidelined due to my DD's friendship with her best friend and her mother (who is wonderful apparently, not particularly kind and loving but impressive and feisty). I can also understand you thinking about ending things because you feel so bad. But you have a life to live too, you are entitled to your life just as they are entitled to theirs. I hope things improve for you in the future which I'm sure they will.

Dear Yogagirl,Celebgran et al,
Our DDs are getting on with their lives, as we expected them to when we had them. The pain of things we cannot control is a cycle we have to try to escape. Memories must become ways that we move forward not torture ourselves . I have to admit , some days are easier than others but we have a duty to live our lives as independent and strong people for those daughters who have chosen to deny us as mothers and grandmothers. Some days I want to turn up on her doorstep but she has kicked us out twice before so my fortitude handed down from my mother , stops me and instead I remember my DD's strength of mind , which I loved in her as a little one. I therefore refuse her another opportunity to hurt me , giving me a chance to live and love my day and those around me and knowing that she is living hers on her own terms ( I disagree with her but I will not be around one day so I have to make something of this day ) .

It's bloody hard but good luck to all of you this day and in the future .

Morning Girls and thank you shysal but the thought of seeing my Laila again only when she is all grown, pierces my soul as I want to see her grow up, the nices times are when they are little ones.
katyk I remember you coming on here and realizing you would be better keeping quiet, I wish I'd have known that before all this and been cleverer with my narcissistic s.i.l
Another lovely post from you Otw
To all on here (flowers)