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cut out of thier lives 2

(1001 Posts)
Yogagirl Sat 27-Jul-13 21:54:29

Just testing to see what happens here, as it said no more messages!

Marelli Wed 19-Feb-14 12:36:01

Yogagirl, I'd 'bumped' the thread because it had fallen off the end of the list, and Skyler had been looking for it. If a thread is slipping down the list, and no-one has posted on it for a little while, it ends up off the list and has to be looked for on the actual Forums list. 'Bumping' it brings it back up again. Skyler could only find the original 'Cut out of their lives' thread, which had finished because it reached the 1000 post mark. smile

Marelli Wed 19-Feb-14 12:43:48

Good post, Tigertiger.

D0LLIE Wed 19-Feb-14 14:37:42

Yes good posting tiger tiger but we must remember a lot of the time postings are made in hurt and anger so therefore dont come across well to some people...its hard for one party to offer the olive branch and it not being accepted time and time again...we all deal with these situations in our own way ....not easy for any of us...

whenim64 Wed 19-Feb-14 14:39:32

An insightful and helpful post, Tiger. I hope you have seen the thread that was started just a few weeks ago, inviting comments about how to move forward rather than get dragged down into dwelling on what cannot change and is causing such pain.

It's title is Denied contact? How to move forward.

Iam64 Wed 19-Feb-14 14:50:55

Hello Tiger, I don't recognise your name and if that's because you are a new contributor, welcome and many thanks for your post.

Elegran Wed 19-Feb-14 15:18:01

Olive branches are not always recognised as such - by those who have been offered them by posters on this thread (and other threads) and also perhaps by those who post here and do not recognise when one is being tentatively waved at them.

As you say, Tiger, thinking that every communication is a dig in disguise only perpetuates the conflict.

Yogagirl Wed 19-Feb-14 16:09:33

Hello Girls
Thought I'd better start writing and then read some more, as there are such a lot of posts today.
So pleased you are feeling better Celebgran and hope you have a good visit with your Son and little Danika.
Dollie sorry to hear about your rotten email from your D with false memories, we all seem to be getting those, don't we. I'm reading a really good book at the moment called 'family estrangements' by Barbara Lebey, saying how the partner alienates the S/D from the whole family and giving them FM, its a must read.
Still doing your painting Smileless I've been tidying up my breakfast room and now see I need to give it a good fresh paint job, what day would you be free? I fear you must be fully booked by now lol
Best of luck with your interview Librachick
Thanks for that marelliwell its been well and truly bumped up now!
I did have a lovely lunch with my sister at Lakeside, unfortunately we started talking about our sweet and loving mum(deceased), then straight onto why my D would cut me off from her and my beloved GC and I started to sob in the restaurant,as I've said on here before I never cry, but the combination of the two just got to meblush. My sister brought a wig! it looked lovely and was expensive at £130, but when she got back home and showed her oh, he thought it was ghastly!
Just got an email from my S, I had to look twice, he has had his passport stolen, so needed personal details from me, which I gave and then went on to say how much I miss and love him, and that I pray to God each and every day to keep him safe and bring him back to me, I just ended by saying 'till then..' so I'm hoping that perhaps I will get a nice response from him.
Just going back to read Tigers post.....

Smileless2012 Wed 19-Feb-14 16:37:18

Just a quickie ladies. I sent 3 pm yesterday to the 3 ladies I often exchange pm with and one of the lovely ladies has sent me a pm saying she couldn't read mine as when she tried to access it a message came up that I was no longer available confused.

If the other ladies have had the same problem, could you let me know. You know who you are grin.

Catch up later.

Yogagirl Wed 19-Feb-14 16:40:31

Just sent you a PM smileless and no probs flowers

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 17:02:38

Hi tigertiger some sensible thoughts. I do hope that posters who are 'hurting' through estrangement take the time to really think about what you have said as you offer some guidance on how to bring about change if people truly want change.

Sadly it feels like some people only want things on their terms and find compromise and self reflection tough to achieve ..perhaps because they are a) hurting too much, b) stuck in a revolving door c) listening too much to affirmig rather than challenging voices!

harrigran Wed 19-Feb-14 17:28:34

Well said Tigertiger and Penstemmon.

celebgran Wed 19-Feb-14 17:58:38

Glad you enjoyed lunch yogagirl please don't get upset by tigers post I really wish people would leave us alone!

If I was offered an olive branch I would grab it with both hands!

Husband enjoying birthday, bit cores with son as he is waiting til Saturday when we see him he could put card in post!!

Now off make tea to go with birthday cake.

Will test private message smileless.

Sorry Dollie that sounds upsetting did I dreamt or did your daughter come to visit recently?

annodomini Wed 19-Feb-14 18:13:53

What a strange remark, celeb. tigertiger is a new poster and is giving an informed analysis of the thread as she/he sees it. It's a forum open to the public, for goodness' sake, and the idea that another poster should 'leave you alone' is completely out of keeping with the ethos of Gransnet. If you don't want anyone to comment apart from those who share your own views, I would respectfully suggest that you confine yourself to pms or Facebook.

And by the way, welcome, tiger. Burning bright indeed!

D0LLIE Wed 19-Feb-14 18:20:04

Older daughter did celebgran only to bring younger grandaughter around as she needed me to store stuff for her...i did ask daughter if she had time to stay for a cuppa and she was ok and there was no mention of what happened previously..ive accepted the fact she will never apologise for what she said but at least we are speaking now...more than what could be said about my younger daughter!!!!

Pennstemmon....we as estranged grans do take time to think about whats said and we all want change sadly its one way and never reciprocated...its not a point of wanting things on our terms we would all compromise to have contact with our children/ grandchildren...the more we push for contact the more we are pushed away and the harder things get for us..

celebgran Wed 19-Feb-14 18:21:47

Nothing strange at all ano I a entitled to my opinion how dare you suggest otherwise

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 18:22:22

Leave you alone? This is a forum titled 'Am I being Unreasonable?' I think that there are posters who think that you are now being unreasonable.
We may have been sympathetic to your circumstances of estrangement but perhaps think you are now being unreasonable because you do not want any posts unless they are saying you are totally right in your opinions , actions and attitudes and actively dismiss any well meant suggeations. You do not appear to really want an opinion about whether you are being unreasonable!

Why not start a new thread called 'Only looking for sympathy and frequent affirmation that I am always right' under chat or something!

annodomini Wed 19-Feb-14 18:25:25

No one was suggesting that you weren't entitled to your opinion, celeb, but you yourself were suggesting that Tiger shouldn't put a different point of view. One rule for you and another for the rest of us? hmm

D0LLIE Wed 19-Feb-14 18:34:53

Mmmmm wooden spoon time again!!!!!

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 18:37:50

celeb why cannot anno suggest otherwise? You are the one suggesting that other GNers should not contradict you or express their views on how you & other estranged grandparents might resolve your difficult situations.

Dragonfly1 Wed 19-Feb-14 18:40:46

It isn't your own personal thread is it, celebgran? I do read it and I do feel sympathy for your various sad circumstances and situations, but I would have thought you would welcome constructive, positive suggestions for how to cope and move on,rather than trying to exclude other posters. My late DD would have advised me to 'stop massaging your misery...' - as indeed she did when I was struggling to cope with her terminal diagnosis. Good advice, I think.

Elegran Wed 19-Feb-14 18:41:36

If one poster is entitled to an opinion, then so are others. If you want a closed discussion, use private messaging. Apart from anything else, this is an open forum, and nothing you say on it is confidential.

Tiger put her point of view very politely. She was not attacking anyone, she gave her opinion and made a suggestion. Worth reading her comment and thinking about it, at the very least.

My impression is that often a cut-off situation in a family is six of one and half-a-dozen of the other, the irresistable force meeting the immovable object, and that each party feels that they are entirely in the right and the other is being vindictive and uncompromising.

Each of them, of course, thinks that compromise is something that the other should do. And each reads into the words of the other an attack which may not be there, a never-ending spiral. Seeing the "other party" as a human being is a start. Not feeling sorry for yourself as a victim is step two.

Penstemmon Wed 19-Feb-14 18:41:47

Why is it 'stirring' when someone, e.g Tiger, offers what looks like genuine support? I am not stirring but expressing a view that if you pose a question you should at least have the courtesy to consider the answers!

celebgran Wed 19-Feb-14 18:42:02

Smileless realise could be someone lets 2012 off when pm you ?

Been slight delay we lost our favourite Chinese menu!

petra Wed 19-Feb-14 18:44:50

What a very good post, Tiger. I wish I could be so eloquent with my fingers as I am with my tongue.
Such a shame that some people couldn't see it for the good intent it was meant for.

whenim64 Wed 19-Feb-14 18:46:58

It good to see a balance of views, and I hope there hasn't going to be a fall out as there are some wise and well thought out comments in Tiger's post. So often, you can be so close to a problem that it can't be looked at objectively. Destructive behaviour is difficult to get away from when it brings the only comfort you can see around you, yet shedding it can bring change for the better. Sometimes, it has to be a leap of faith, and taking well-meant advice that appears to come from hindsight and effective relationship counselling could very well enable some alienated families to find a way to communicate in a more constructive way. It would be lovely to see some bridges being built because of the efforts made by grandparents, irrespective of the behaviour they don't like in their children. There have been plenty of examples of that here on Gransnet - forgiving mothers who understand when to be assertive and when to keep their counsel.

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