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Am i wrong to support my daughter.

(78 Posts)
suzy Fri 08-Nov-13 18:26:53

Six months ago my daughter split up with her husband after a violent incident for which he was prosecuted. My two grandchildren were one and five years old.I look after the one year old for two days a week while she works. She has coped well but it has been hard as she had to flee the house for a few weeks untill she got him out. Had only just started a new job, had to take over the morgage without any money from her husband. And try and live as normal a life for her 5 year old. The youngest has yet to sleep through the night! She has also had to cope with legal matters regarding the house and his court case. She only has me to be ther for her, which i am very happy to do.My 5 year old grandson misses his dad and i do lots of things with him. But my partner of 8 years who i dont live with says she is being selfish for wanting me to help out so much and should learn to stand on her own two feet. I try to spend as much time with him but its hard splitting my time. He has grandchildren but has never been hands on with them. I have always done a lot with my other grandchildren. I just dont know how to handle it.
Any advise please would be welcome.

Grannyknot Sat 09-Nov-13 09:38:17

Suzy, If I were you, I'd give this man a word of advice: "Don't make me choose".

As for the 2 fingers behind his back, that made me laugh! As you say, childish, I know. smile

posie Sat 09-Nov-13 11:19:26

I totally agree with everyone, of course you're doing the right thing!!
Everyone needs a bit of help & support now & then & with what your Daughters had to cope with recently she surely deserves/needs it.

I would be doing the same in your place. Some men can be very selfish(and I know that from personal experience)!

suzy Sat 09-Nov-13 11:44:52

Thank you all so much for your comments, it helps!

glammanana Sat 09-Nov-13 12:11:59

Suzy This man sounds so selfish to me and something I would not put up with he seems to have so much to say about the situation which is not really any of his business,he doesn't live with you and has no right to comment on your actions with regard to your DD and DGCs.
You are doing a great job with your DD and she needs you at such a bad time I have been through this with my DD and it is only now after nearly 3 yrs that my DD is back on track your DD needs you much more than you need this selfish for you x

Smileless2012 Sat 09-Nov-13 16:49:43

Hi Suzy I agree with all the comments already made. I came on to this site and spend a lot of time on 'cut out of their lives 2' because my hubby and I have not seen our 22 month old gs since he was 8 months old, even though our S lives a 2 minute walk down the road.

What a terrible shame that not only does your partner not support what you are doing for your D and gc, but chooses not to be involved with his own gc. My hubby and I would give anything to be able to spend time with our gs.

flowers for you and your brave D.

Marelli Sat 09-Nov-13 16:57:10

Suzy, I also agree with all the comments. In the past, I've had to be strong about some issues regarding the things I do for family. DH isn't very sympathetic as to their needs, and feels that they should be left to get on with it - whatever 'it' might be. I decide what to do. I don't discuss anything, but just get on with whatever's needed, and that's that. If your partner can't understand your own needs (and they are your needs as well, helping your family out - how on earth could you cope with seeing your DD struggling after all that trauma?) then let HIM get on with it, too!

Faye Sat 09-Nov-13 20:23:54

I too have had this jealousy from a male I had been seeing for nine months (he didn't live with me) over my then 17 year old. I told him "my daughter will always be my daughter, you and I might only last another week."

I then realised I didn't want someone in my life who was jealous of my child. My daughter and I are still very close.

Suzy that man is telling you how uncaring and selfish he is by his uncaring attitude regarding your daughter and by the way he treats his own family. Believe what he says, because you couldn't rely on him if you needed support.

Lona Sat 09-Nov-13 20:45:50

Well said Faye

penguinpaperback Sun 10-Nov-13 00:37:40

Hi suzy, I agree with everyone here and if nothing else you have now seen the true nature of your partner without having the added problem of him living with you.
He seems very cold and selfish to me. At a time like this he should be helping and supporting you, your daughter and your grandchildren. You sound a lovely caring person I think this man should be thanking his lucky stars that he has you in his life but perhaps it's time for you to decide whether he has had too much of your time.
flowers for you and for your daughter flowers

jeanie99 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:34:51

Your daughter and grand children are going through a terrible time but with your help and support they will move on to a better future.
If you can't be there for the most important people in your life when can you be there.
You are doing what most loving mothers would do without question.

This is my personal opinion but if this guy in your life cannot support you in this without having a jealous paddy like a spoilt child I would tell him to take a long jump off a short plant.

FlicketyB Mon 11-Nov-13 11:12:44

Suzy, I'm surprised that after 8 years your live-out partner still doesn't seem to be part of your family. My DGC's other grandma has a live out partner and he is completely integrated into her life, grandchildren and all. He is included in all the family gatherings and treats DGC almost as if they were his own GC, which he also has.

As the other grandma lives close to DS and family she is the 'on call' grandma (we live 200 miles away). If she needs to respond to an emergency and he is with her, he will just turn up with her.

You daughter and her children at a time like this, come first and will need your support for some time.

lucyinthesky Tue 12-Nov-13 08:12:50

You ARE doing the right thing by your daughter, definitely.

I know my partner also feels I support DD2 too much as she is mentally fragile and needy but at least all I need to do (from the distance of Paris to London) is talk, email and text her. God forbid she should ever be in the position of your daughter then my partner would just have to lump it.

If your partner feels hard done by then he is being a selfish wotsit. Perhaps, if you haven't already done so, tell him that this situation will not last for ever and could he please be a little more understanding and patient until it is resolved.

Good luck

Thistledoo Tue 12-Nov-13 10:28:46

Suzy you are a supergran. Keep going with the support you are giving your daughter. Ignore comments by your partner, he sounds selfish.
Your grandchildren will appreciate your efforts and its so nice that you have a loving relationship with your daughter. That in itself is a very precious thing. It will take a while for her to get over all the trauma and find her feet, until then you are her safety net. Well done.

brcl1519 Mon 02-Dec-13 07:08:48

Things like that happen for a better good don't worry the reason they got seperated was because they had problems in their life to cope, But let bygones be bygones ,and i think your daughter is coping with it quite well , Now what you need to do is make a better future for your grand children by giving them the right education, and upbringing them very well in their life so that they could have a bright future.

ginny Mon 02-Dec-13 08:28:04

Sounds to me like your daughter is doing all she can to stand on her own feet and appreciates what you are doing for her and the children. Your So sounds rather selfish and childishly jealous. I wish you well for the future.

tattynan Mon 09-Dec-13 23:54:00

You are doing a great job being a loving mother and grandmother.Wishing you and yours an enjoyable Christmas and peaceful new year.

rockgran Tue 10-Dec-13 05:14:11

You never stop being a mother. When I started seeiing my (now) husband over 20 years ago my son was only 11. I made it clear that my son would come first and if that wasn,t acceptable then we had no future. He fully understood and accepted us as a package. Today he is a loving dad and grandad and is more than ready to offer any help they might need. In fact he is softer than I am if they need us. I realise I was very lucky to have found him and my son has always appreciated him too. Your daughter needs you just now - don't make that harder by feeling guilty.

suzy Sun 05-Jan-14 17:42:01

Hi to all who replied to my post of late. Well i thought things were not to bad between me and my other half ,but i was wrong! I have tried to be there for him as well, but the odd sarcastic remark comes out, like she should just have to get on with things like we had to, when we had our children. And this weekend i did not like to say that my daughter was over here for the day so when he came round for the weekend, after a ,little while he decided to go home and he has texted me to say he has written me a letter, and i now await a letter from him probally to tell me that i have been neglecting him! I wish i could cut my self in two and be the perfect girlfriend and supernan but it is so hard. I know that he wants someone to go abroad with for a few weeks,
go away weekends, like a lot of retired people do. But i am so torn. Dont get me wrong it is hard sometimes looking after my grandchildren, but i want to be there for them. Maybe my role is just to be a nannie . Am feeling a bit down today.

Marelli Sun 05-Jan-14 17:54:16

suzy, try to follow your instincts. You shouldn't have to worry about OH coming round to your house when your daughter's there. Perhaps it will always be like this - and he'll never, ever accept the fact that your daughter was there before he was. She needs you and you're a very good mother and grandmother. You are not his mother.

glammanana Sun 05-Jan-14 18:11:12

Hi suzy I hope you and your daughter & children had a nice Christmas,it's a sorry state of affairs when your OH still seems to be jealous of your DD,sounds like a spoilt child packing up his toys and going back home again if you ask me ? and you should not be affraid of telling him your DD is visiting it's your home not his,I do think you need to speak to him and tell him your family will always come first but by the sounds of things this man will have trouble accepting this.
Don't feel down just dust yourself off and join us on here for a while and chat about all manner of things which may interest

suzy Sun 05-Jan-14 19:19:19

thankyou for your comments

hummingbird Sun 05-Jan-14 19:32:29

Really Suzy, let him get on with it! Life is full of ups and downs, and he should be supporting you through this unpleasant period. There will be better times, when you'll be free again, but for now you're needed by your daughter, and you have no choice! Go girl!

Tegan Sun 05-Jan-14 19:44:53

He sounds worryingly controlling to me. The one thing I will say, though is that sometimes it's the S.O. that points out to me that my children have their own lives to lead and so do I. It's just that the life I'm 'supposed' to be leading generally involves him.

Deedaa Sun 05-Jan-14 21:21:45

I don't think you will ever regret looking after your grandchildren and helping your daughter, but I do think you could come to regret listening to a selfish man who wants you to dance to his tune. Your family have been your family all their lives, of course you are going to put them first. If he took any interest in his own family you would expect him to put them first. If he wants to stay with you he should start behaving like a grown up.

eliza Sun 05-Jan-14 22:32:06

Dear Suzy I will try and help as I have had a similar situation

When it comes to kids you do really have to be careful not to do too much why because then they become dependant on you AND unable to deal with life alone which I dont have to tell you is a bad thing--whats more it all depends on the character of the child but some children DO take advantage of a parents caring nature, I have learnt this first hand myself.

My advise--obviously be loving and caring towards your daughter BUT be very aware that she does not take advantage of your good nature

Just have a little think then make your decisions

best of luck with it