Am i wrong to support my daughter.

I've just had the children and their mum sleep over [gone home now] but sensed an atmosphere with the S.O. today due to the fact that they may have stayed tonight as well if the work on their house wasn't finished. Even my daughter said she sensed something when she picked one of the children up from here after school. I did ask to have the house to myself as it's chaos here even after just one sleepover but it's been ignored. He said he'd bought all of his stuff anyway [but I had said that the whole family might be staying for another night; wouldn't have known what was hapening till late this afternoon]. It's things like this that give me a 'rabbit in the headlights' sort of feeling [that's why I'm upstairs in the pooter room]. Just wanted a bit of a whinge [sorry!]. By the way, he's getting a pooter soon so I may change my user name in the near future. He's a really nice bloke in every other way and I feel a bit bad about moaning but I needed to let off steam. [I know I need to be more assertive ].

Hard one, tegan from what you say, he could be a lot worse, but clearly wants more time and space commitment than you are prepared to give and is pushing you into a corner where he may just push you too far. IThe sensible thing would be a rational tlak about it but I don;llt think that is an easy option. He wont want to know, or if he does he will take it as a 100% "I want to be alone" - some men (including DH) have a habit of interpreting things as 500% as in "Shall I just leave/move into the spare room then?" when all I have asked for is perhaps a little more duvet. Any chance of establishing "your" days/nights?

Since I retired the 'days' seem to be increasing....when it was mentioned that they might stay Friday night [his night] he said we'd eat at his house, to which I replied that if my family were at my house I wanted to spend time with them and s*d eating [how about that for assertive]..!

As is said on Mumsnet Tegan, your house! your rules! Apart from that though, if you say on occasion that you fancy being on your own, whenever you feel you do, he should respect that as I am sure you would if he said the same.

I'm liking your assertiveness, sometimes it's good to take stock about what you actually want.

Soutra, if my DH made a comment like that re the duvet, I would be moving him into the spare room permanently

Soutra I know the duvet remark well! I think it's DH's Italian side coming out - his father was just the same. The over reaction stretches over everything, if the car makes an odd noise we're never going to get home, if a tiny crack appears in the plaster the house will fall down within days. Sadly for him I never take any notice

I am afraid that the stuff on here shows how dependent men are with regard to wanting someone to look after "them"and don't like sharing her.

So many woman I know say they never want another live in partner. A friend and possibly relationship yes but most woman seem to want to stay in control and keep their home for themselves.

Well this post will now be closed due to my relationship ending. Its very sad that it had to come to this, but its been such a strain over the last few months, regarding trying to be there for my daughter and maintaining a relationship. It was him that has said lets call it a day, and that was by letter not even face to face! He is very angry that i said i was upset by his comments, and so now i will be percieved as the bad one in the relationship. I feel guilty now that i did not consider what he wanted sometimes, but its been so hard. Its going to be hard to face up to over the next few weeks. Especially as our children are all friends. My daughter is unaware of all of this, she will be very upset. I will not tell her why though. I thought as i got older things would be easier. Can life begin again at 65!

suzy; I'm so sorry to hear this. Yes, your life can begin again at 65 and you've got support from all of us. Why do men have to be so 'it's me or them'? Can't they understand that we have to put our children first. Listen; I'm leaving the computer on for ages [I've got loads to do tonight], so you're not on your own.

I'm so sorry to hear this Suzy because you deserved so much better and more understanding from someone who should have supported you much more than he was willing to. I wouldn't worry what others think either as those who know you will realise what you have been dealing with.

This is the actions of a very selfish man and others will also know what he is like so please don't blame yourself for not considering him 100% at a time when your daughter needed you. To do something like this by letter is pathetic and cowardly.

Life can indeed begin at 65 so go and live it knowing you no longer have to worry about pleasing someone who is really not worth the effort.

Suzy I'm sad for you that your relationship didn't work out the way you'd expected and probably hoped for, but I really do think that you have your priorities right at the moment. (((hugs)))

Suzy. So sorry to hear your sad news. I know exactly what it's like, I've been walking on eggshells for the past 30 odd years between my OH and my DD.

Soutra. I thought I was the only one who had one like that. Mine has actually left after the most stupid disagreements. And I don't mean just gone down the pub, I mean left for a week. He's done this twice. I have to work really hard now at not getting annoyed at anything. Sometimes it's so bad that my head is pounding where I can't let my emotions out. He knows something is wrong. So I just say I have a headache. At least it's the truth.

suzy you have done the only thing possible as a mother and you should be proud of yourself. I am sorry but he should have supported you not made your life more difficult. So I for one think you are better off without him - how dare he finish things by letter! . yes life can begin or change at 65 and I send you best wishes for yours.

Mind you please keep in touch with GN because I reckon you may not have heard the last of him particularly as your respective families are close. Right now though your energies need to be focussed just the way they are (((hugs)))

Suzy you may not believe this yet, but as Liz said you are better off without this man. It was always going to come to this point sooner or later. Now you are a free woman you can support your daughter, and do other things you many want to do without this constant 'well what about poor me?' draining your energy.
Enjoy your new found status ((((hugs))))

Suzy ((hugs)) for you and so sorry it has come to this but you have the future to look forward to knowing your daughter has your full support which is what us mums do for our children what ever their ages.You will certainly feel better within yourself as you now don't have to walk on eggshells and have peace of mind as for the fact that your families are close well I bet his family knows how controlling he is and will understand why the relationship has finished,so on wards and upwards for you I think.

Suzy, sorry, but like others, not surprised your relationship is over. The way in which he ended it just confirms you're well out of this. Think positively and relax

I echo what everyone else is saying, suzy. If he has to finish an 8-year relationship with you simply because of the support you give your daughter, when he knows after all this time, what a caring mother you are, then you're better off without him.
If the boot were on the other foot, and he was being supportive to his daughter/son, he should know that you would understand. My own DH has learned over the last few years that I will always be there for my children - and their children. I wouldn't ever want them to feel that they couldn't come to me when they were stuck.

suzy, what a pity he couldn't have been the supportive partner you needed him to be. In time you may come to value your independence and make a good life for yourself. Your daughter and her family will continue to love and value you. That's what's important. ((((hugs))))

Suzy I believe what everyone else is saying. If he can’t support you when you want to help and support your D and GC, and realises what a caring mother you are, then you're better off without him.

I think you are doing the right thing. If it was me I would jump at the chance, as I am one of the unlucky ones that are banned from seeing our D or S or GC. So remember this is your family. I am very lucky, I met my second husband who accepted me and my grown up daughter, and our 3 GC have all been born since we’ve been together, and the GC love him as much as he loves them.

Keep well and cherish your family and you’ll meet someone really nice in the future, he should not have made you choose. Hugs

Suzy I am sad if you are sad, but like the others think you are well rid of what sounded ike a fraught relationship. Some men are totally self-obsessed and I could not have imagined this changing with time - just getting worse. Your daughter is your own flesh and blood and if she needs your help and support your prioities were clear. Maybe it just needed this as a catalyst to end a relationship which was going nowhere.It is always sad when a relatonship ends but I suspect there are also feelings of relief at not having to tear yourself apart in an impossible situation.

It's sad that your relationship didn't endure , and yes there will be someone else for you I'm sure. I made bad choices in the past regarding the man in my life and my children I still live with the guilt ( and the man) and have spent years trying to make up for my short comings. I dearly love my man but realise that my past decisions have probably affected my children, something I can never put right. You went with your gut instinct and had more courage than me, my admiration goes out to you,

Thank you everyone for your comments.I feel so sad that this has come to a head, and i know there will be some stomach churning over the next few weeks. I have just returned home from my daughters and recieved another letter from him in reply to mine. He is not backing down at all and still going on about not consulting him about what we are doing at the weekends. Ironic that i am at home on my own this weekend!

Is there a chance, perhaps that, if you stand your ground and just get on with your life he might realise what he's lost and come back on your terms?However, for that to happen you need to move on and remake your life. You might find when you have [and, believe me, you will] you might not want him anyway.

Give yourself a chance to,as Tegan suggests with her very good advice, rebuild your own life to suit you. I have seen it so, so many times, women who do build their own lives realise the man they were heartbroken about doesn't appear to be such a great catch anymore.

As you will have realised by his return letter, it's all still about, me, me, me!

Keep coming on here when you need to vent Suzy you will always find plenty of good advice and support.

He is a man of strong convictions and believes he is right. Its always been me to back down in arguments

And it looks like he's expecting you to do the same again,*suzy*. Stay strong.