Reducing contact with Grandmother

I never said I would stop her seeing her obviously when we move out she will not have unrestricted access to her 24/7 and I said I'd prefer her to visit a few times a week or we go round to hers etc. but this isn't enough for her she wants to visit her everyday for hours which I think is it a bit much. FIL has aspergers syndrome and my partner agrees she is far too clingy and OTT with LO but she doesn't listen to him either!

How soon will you and other half be able to afford somewhere of your own? If it will be too long you could be better renting. Is your name down for a local authority let? Might be somewhere you would not choose to live, but many others have started that way at first. If it is not, get it down so that you can work your way up the list. If you can afford somewhere before then you can always come off it again.

Once you get there, you will feel more secure in your own home.

MIL has no rights and however much she loves your child, it is not her child and she has to visit at your home on your terms.

Equally, grandparents are important figures in many children's lives and it would be good to find a compromise once you have your own home.

It is sad that things have got off on the wrong foot, but when you are in your own home you will need to be gentle, but firm. Someone who would "barge in on the birth" might be a bit of a challenge and I wish you lots of luck with this.

My heart goes out to you Veexox it really does. Being the grand mother of only one gc who I am not allowed to see, he is now 2 and I haven't seen him since he was 8 months old, I cannot understand why you m.i.l. is being so unreasonable.

Unless I'm mistaken you haven't threatened her with not being able to see her much loved grandchild. Not having been given the opportunity to be a grand mother to my gs it is difficult for me to be able to speak from experience, but I agree that she is not exhibiting 'normal' grandparent behavior.

You're clearly distressed by the situation and your desire to do the right thing for all concerned or you wouldn't have posted here. I can only wish you the very best. I'm sure things will settle down when the 3 of you have your own place. I hope your m.i.l. will be able to appreciate how fortunate she is in having you as her d.i.l. and that you'll be able to work together and find a happy solution to your problem.

Was the baby born at home? Do they let anyone in on births these days, permission or no?

You are going to have to be very diplomatic and assertive at the same time. You need your own home as soon as possible, but try not to alienate your partner's mother in the meantime. She will probably relax if you allow her more hands on time with the baby, but make it at your request, not hers. Ask her to babysit, perhaps once a week allowing you and your partner to go out together. Invite her to go shopping, or for a coffee with you and baby. Include her, but on your terms.

Make it very clear to her that she is welcome to visit you and even babysit when you move, but it must again be on your terms. But please remember to be generous with allocating time for her to be with a baby she clearly adores.

Most of all do try to make a friend of her, I think she needs a friend.

No I've never threatened her but she just acts like my daughter is her child. My labour was very quick mil drove us to the hospital and came in I was 10cm and gave birth in the triage room I was too busy pushing to ask her to leave, she called me fat 10 mins after giving birth and I had to wrestle my newborn daughter out of her arms so I could feed her. MIL said she would give her a bottle if I wanted and she tried to stay the whole time cuddling my newborn baby I just wanted to cuddle my baby and have some sleep. I went crazy at my partner after this and told him he should have told his mum to leave he said I should have said something I said I was too busy pushing our daughter into the world!

Oh you poor little thing. I sympathise, totally. Just try and keep your mouth shut until you have your own place and then you can put her in her place.
Unlike everyone else on here I have no sympathy with this woman.
I will not put into words here what i think of her. She is potentially ruining you and your husbands lives.
There is no telling what damage this pitiful excuse for a Motherand and Grandmother could do.

Oh yes! She only put a roof over their heads when a baby came at an inconvenient moment.

We only get one side of the story on here. We need to try to see both points of view. No point in encouraging family breakups. This is not Mumsnet.

You need to get her to understand how you feel - with some compassion.

It will obviously be easier once you have moved into your own place. But be nice. There is more at stake than your feelings.

I have sympathy for both of them.

The poster for being in a situation where she is not "mistress in her own home" and the mother-in-law for being spurned as too helpful.

But I don't think what is needed is sympathy alone. I am sure the poster gets plenty of that from her young friends, and the MiL from her older ones - though it sounds as though she does not have very many of them. Sensible advice and suggestions are what are needed.

It is the two-women-in-a-kitchen scenario, and will not be completely resolved until there are two kitchens.

Sorry, but I can't help looking back to my own student days. A baby then would have been a complete disaster. There were no creches, and I would have had to stop studying and be a housewife. My boyfriend would have had to leave too and start being a wage-earner to keep us fed, and we would be in a grotty flat in a high-rise scheme, with both our familes thoroughly disappopinted in the wreck of our careers. So we made sure there were no babies. OK, accidents happen, and they do tend to join us at inconvenient times, but at least this one has a home and a father in work.

And in many countries, all daughters in law are expected to live with MiL on her terms and have all their decisions made for them.

You don't say where you live. The local authority have an obligation to house families, so you don't have to stay with inlaws, and you have the money to pay the rent without going on beneftits. Thousands of others have struck out into adult responsible life with less.

Persuade your partner that independent life now is better than sharing a kitchen until he can provide you with something better. Then you can work together to afford another home.

At least she was around to drve you to the hospital. So much better than having to go in a taxi.

May I suggest an alternative title for this thread? "How can I get mil to understand how I feel?"

No veiled suggestion of a threat in that.

My partner was going to drive us until she asked to drive little did I know it was just a ploy to get into the delivery suite. Just to be clear I was not going to live with her I had my own home near my parents while I studied and worked my own family have said they would love to see LO more my OH said he wanted a dream job which was based closer to his family and to buy a house he couldn't afford to save for his house and rent so he begged me to move into his parents they sat me down and promised she wouldn't interfere with our baby so I agreed. I should have known she was only interested in our baby me and OH have been together for 4 years and I've never had so much of a conversation with her until I found out I was pregnant. She never spoke to me when I used to call round. I asked her would she like to go for coffee, shopping etc lots of times with me so OH could spend time with baby & she's replied every single time "No I want to spend time with baby, why don't you go?" which is very hurtful to me please remember I haven't got my own mother around so when this woman came into my life and was so nice to me throughout my pregnancy I thought great but to then find out she doesn't want to be my friend or confident at all she just wants my baby!

I just want to be clear I don't hate her she loves my LO which is amazing, I just want us all to get along and to be treated like a part of the family instead of a just womb who carried her grandchild & someone getting in her way. The title of this thread says "Reducing contact" which if we move out of her house it will be reduced contact as she won't see LO 24/7 anymore.

This connundrum is not to do with the baby. It has everything to do with your relationship with your partner and his mother. It sounds as if there are three in this partnership.
I suggest your partner needs to step in here - and thoroughly support your feelings in this matter.

For instance: why does he still allow his mother to cook/make his breakfast at 5am in the morning ..... and lunch. It not good enough to say 'she doesn't listen' - of course she does and I think she knows well what she is doing.

veenox You sound like a strong and independent young lass; diplomacy and assertiveness is needed in equal measure. Not an easy road to walk - but I have a feeling you can do it.

I think she knows that veexox

I agree, ffinnochio He is just a little boy being looked after by his mother, when he should be a grown man looking after his own family.

Elegran - Yes you are right, that was the wrong phrasing I used. We rented a flat when we left MIL's. We were lucky enough that it was what they called co-ownership and after 5 years they gave us a percentage of the rent we back paid which enabled us to put a deposit on our first house. Not sure how long it would have taken us if that had not been the case.

The crux of the matter is in your first email. 'She is an lonely woman, in an unhappy marriage, who lives her life through her sons'. Some women do subsume their life into their children's and that often extends to the second generation. They try to come between their children and their partners, which she doesn't seem to be doing, and they tries to take over the grandchildren, which she is doing.

There is only one solution to your problem. You and your partner must find separate accommodation away from his parents. It may delay your house purchase for a year or two but better that than his mother destroying your relationship.

Are you paying your MIL any rent while you are living in her house? If not, it is hard to establish an independent role within the household and I wonder whether it is too high a price to pay. I also wonder at a 27 year old man wanting to live with his mum unless as a very temporary stopgap. I suspect he has no idea of the potential conflict inherent in this situation - men often do not. And of she is making his breakfast at crack of dawn who is he to complain? BTW why aren't you doing that?
Honestly, you need to move out. This is NOT working, it is causing so much heartache you risk a family rift such as those we have read about on other threads. Get on a housing list, rent privately, be an independent couple/family unit and do NOT let your MIL have a key at any cost. As for your MIL I have some sympathy for her. Some women can't keep their hands off babies, or their advice to themselves. You are very young (certainly in her eyes) and from wehat you say have been with your partner since your mid/late teens (?) so of course she is going to think she knows best - a lot of Grannies do! Keep calm, keep the peace and get out is my considered advice.

Yeah I think the only option is to move out. I don't get up at 5am to make his breakfast because 1.I've done it before and his mother got moody 2. My daughter doesn't sleep through the night 3. I'm caring for a baby while attending university and having a part time job. MIL doesn't get up and make her husband breakfast before he goes to work in my view it's not hard for OH to put two slices of bread in the toaster but MIL makes him a fully cooked breakfast everyday and prepares a fully cooked lunch. I just make his sandwiches the night before MIL just likes to compete with me for her sons affection...

God! I would n't get up at five o'clock to get his breakfast!

She is trying to come between you and your partner. Get out asap.

This is the kind of story that would not have been out of place in the 1950s when many newly married couples had no option but to move in with parents because of the post war housing shortage. Boy, have things moved on since then. I can't think of any young mum these days who would put up with it.