Reducing contact with Grandmother

Well, after reading all of the posts I think she sounds horrendous. An absolute control freak. I would move away, not let her have a key, ask her to ring before she visits. I respect all of my children's lives and always ring to make sure they are not entertaining or busy. I have a lovely relationship with all of my grandchildren and have never interfered with the way they are brought up . If I were you veevix I would definitely move asap. Tell you DH to be firm with his mother. Of course she loves the baby but IT IS NOT HER BABY as you say. I really feel for you and hope this can be resolved for everybody's sake.

She must be a very sad person. What a shame you are not able to enjoy your baby as you should. I would let her see these comments!

Reading through all these posts makes me wonder if Grandmother is from a different culture? She does sound extreme in her relationships with both her son and daughter in law and the way she is behaving reminds me of the unhappy life a British Indian girl I worked with had with her in-laws.

I think this goes across all cultures. The worst case I know was 100% British in culture, a mother who came between husband and wife, broke a marriage and 20 years later still has daughter and granddaughter living with her and still dominates and runs their lives.

My DD MiL used to nip into the nextdoor neighbour's garden several times a day to cover the sleeping baby up. The mother would gently pull the blanket down as it was a warm day then watch as the neighbour (MiL) would sneak across and cover it up again. She is of Italian origin and was still giving my SiL a full meal every day even though he and my DD has a home of their own. He would drop in to see her every day on his way home from work where she would feed him up then go home to my DD who would give him another meal. He put on 3 stone in the first 6 months of their living together. My DD confronted him and he admitted what was going on, he then told his mum that he is fed at home. The first time he didn't go round she walked to his with the biggest bowl of pasta for their dinner. My DD then told her that she would feed him and he certainly did not need two big dinners a day. They still remain the best of friends. The MiL is a lovely lady although she never puts my DDH's name on a Christmas Card because we are 'Sinners' ie divorced and remarried

From the sound of this woman if you do move a 2 hour drive away, she will invite herself to stay more often than you would like! As others have said you have to put rules in place now. Tell her you are pleased she loves the baby so much, that you want your DD to have a loving relationship with her BUT she is your daughter and you are the one responsible for her day to day care. Your OH should also be with you when you have this conversation with her and back you up all the way. Good luck!

If your OH is offered and takes this job, it could be just what you need. A chance to start afresh in your own home with your own family. I do hope this plan comes off.

Hi veexox rereading your original post I see that you aare planning to move out in a few weeks so much of what has been said was irrelevant, if kindly meant. You have not been back since yesterday afternoon to give us your reaction so I hope that perhaps whichever "final straw" prompted yesterday morning's post has been resolved or has at least receded and you are feeling better about things today. Perhaps you and your OH have been abe to talk to her and clear the air, but whatever, I wish you all well and hope for a happy outcome to the present problems.

The MiL is totally out of order! That is not love for her granddaughter at all!
Unfortunately veexox is living in her MiLs house so cannot deal with this the way she could if she had her own place.

Its not OPs fault that her MiL is a lonely woman in an unhappy marriage!
No grandmother should say horrible things to their daughter in law and the OPs husband should not tolerate hi smother being so nasty to the mother of his child.

The only solution is to move out as soon as possible and set boundaries for the MiL whilst trying to reassure her you DO want her involved in your daughter's life.

You cannot pussyfoot around a controlling person - you have to be firm and consistent in letting them know you will not accept their unreasonable behaviour/demands.

I think the consensus of opinion might be that moving out is a good idea.

Perhaps we could just put a tick from now onwards.

Though far be it from me to deprive latecomers of course.

Think we should keep the venom down a bit though. This is a family.

We could make things worse if we incite the poster to have a flaming row with her MiL. As Jings say, go easy on the venom.

OP does not have to have a flaming row. Its possible to put someone in their place calmly without any venom.

The MiL seems to have quite a bit of venom, calling the OP fat and insulting her but of course there is no need to respond likewise.

I'm not going to row with her, I feel sorry for her in her a lot of ways she's a desperately lonely lady who only gets her happiness from looking after family & children. I cannot let her have her happiness of caring for my daughter at the expensive of my own happiness she has raised 3 sons from birth to adulthood so I think she's had her time of caring for a child full time. I think it's hard to implement boundaries while living under her roof, although I'm grateful to her I think some of the things she has done have been totally abhorrent. I think you are right the only thing I can do is move out as quickly as possible then implement my own boundaries where MIL will be expected to call before visits and she won't be at our place for 24/7. I think she should also do something else like get a dog, fostering etc can any of you think of things to suggest? Thank you for taking the time to answer me I just wanted a view of a grandmother as well as my own views as a mother!

I only think she's being nasty to me because she thinks I'm taking her son away from her and I got the daughter she never had (MIL had 3 boys and always wanted a girl) OH thinks the cooking and things she's trying to compete for his affection which I don't feel the need because I know my place I'm his wife not his mother!

My MiL had two boys, then her other son had a boy, so when I had a girl she was over the moon. She didn't try to take over, though she did have a spell of calling my daughter by the name she would have chosen for her own girl, if she had had one. That did not last long when daughter "grew into" her own name and became her own little personality. A second granddaughter diluted the attention a bit, and then when my son arrived she had two granddaughters and two grandsons, which pleased her.

If you are both strong personalities, you will get on far better when you each have your own kingdoms (queendoms?) Eventually she will accept that you are not taking her son away, but establishing a different relationship with her, and that you both like to see her, but not to live in her pocket.

Veexox I think its lovely the way you try to understand the reasons why your MiL is the way she is.
Many young mothers in your position would completely block their MiL from their lives - and probably from their grandchild's life.
She is lucky to have you as her daughter in law - and don't forget that, whenever or however she puts you down!

Its very sad when a woman reaches an age to have grandchildren and yet cannot 'let go' of their own son! It causes so many problems.

Please don't suggest she fosters! - it demands subtlety and selflessness and often an ability to support and help natural parents to gain confidence in their parenting. I am afraid you MIL does not sound quite the ticket for this!!!

Veevox* I have seen Grandmums and MIls wanting to take over care of the new grandchild quite often and as you describe the putting down of the actual mothers caring ability, "she never does things right"! As you say I am sure its some women's probably unconscious last ditch attempt to get back to that lovely feeling of being a mum with a snuggly baby.

As others say keep as calm as you can, keep polite and do allow her limited contact and cuddle time. l hope your housing issues are soon sorted but allow her visiting time and let her baby sit. If she realises she can have this contact she is going to have to be reasonable to keep it.

puppy sounds a good idea!

or a kitten, less demanding than a puppy, but as Mishap says, definitely no to fostering children

I doubt if she would want to foster kids! It's her own grandchild she wants to get her hands on. And we all know that feeling.

I have to say that I feel there are some Mother in Laws and Mothers who possibly take too much on themselves and interfere. When you have your first baby you want to bond and have time with YOUR baby and the Grandparents need to be there when they are needed. Why do so many think they know best, yes they have experience but you have to learn for yourself and in this case I think the M in Law is butting in when she shouldn't and I don't think it matters if you are living there or she changed her shift or she has an unhappy marriage, that is not the problem. I do not think this new mum is heading to live her life through her baby, she just wants to bond and enjoy her and I would imagine she doesn't want to go off out just because she is 20yrs old. She is a new mum and personally I would be slightly concerned about her M in Laws attitude to her grandchild. And that is what she has to accept, it isn't her baby and possibly, she needs to get a life of her own instead of trying live other peoples and perhaps her sons need to sit her down and talk to her about this. I think possibly this is a very sad lady who needs help from somewhere.

I dunno, a high maintenance puppy that hated to be left alone and took months to house train has its appeal in this context. Could I suggest a working-strain gun dog perhaps? They can be demanding little pains in backside. If it was one that got car sick as well, even better.