Reducing contact with Grandmother

JessM, working strain gun dog, standard poodle, labradoodle, cockapoo, indeed any poodle cross. Guaranteed to keep the handler busy 24/7 for many years. BUT I would worry about the dog, so better to stick with a cat. Much more independent and able to manage an person with 'issues'

I've been in the same situation, years ago, staying with MIL with a new baby. She constantly interfered, telling me when baby should be on solids, when potty training should start, I could do nothing right. She would pick baby up out of the cot without asking, etc etc.
Get your own place ASAP, no matter how humble, it will be your own and you will be in charge. Then you can welcome MIL for visits when convenient, and hopefully then the tensions will ease. Good luck.
I hope the relationship improves. You never know when you may need her help.

I agree with this poster. As a first time mum everything is new to you, mistakes will be made and in your current situation they are observed by granny. I think you are coping incredibly well to still be house sharing after these fraught months of firstbabyship. I can still remember the advice I got from grans on both sides when I demand fed or did not potty train their way, and I had 200 miles between us!

Once you are in your own home, and in your own routine, you can discuss with your husband about what would be reasonable contact with his mum. If you two agree on a plan you can then discuss it with granny, get her ideas and come up with a compromise that suits you all. She is an integral part of your extended family and I am sure she has a lot of love and help to give your baby and her daughter in law. Once you can relax in your own home you may find yourself looking forward to seeing granny!

Today has been the most hardest of my life. Bil and sil decided to visit us the whole day mil was taking over with my dd and undermining me. Firpooppof all she told me "Evie doesnt want to go for walk its cold" she talks through my child to get what she wants then she started shouting at me demanding me not to go out barking at me to make bottles and then after I fed my dd her dinner mil started saying she wanted cake I said no she will be Sick mil ignored me and fed her cake anyway dd was sick and diaherra pooed all over my leg. MIL snatched her off me demanded that I cleaned the poop then she started bathing lo when I said no id like to do it mil ignored me and carried on. I actually want to slap her stupid face my oh blames me and says I should be more positive and get on with it so I have officially had enough going to stay at my dads tomorrow for my sanity and good relationship with my daighter. I dont want my daughter to think this controlling hag is her mother..

Well done. I wish you all the best. Keep strong.

veevox your husband and bil or sil (whoever is her other child) should have stepped in and told their mother to back off. I really think there is something very wrong with your mil, that is not normal behaviour. Of course you should not allow someone to treat you with such disrespect in front of your daughter. You are doing the right thing staying at your father's home, until your husband gets it into his head that you are not going to tolerate being treated in this way. Good luck!

Sympathy, veevox. You are wise to get out from under that domineering woman's feet. Wishing you all the best and good luck

Yes indeed you need to take yourself and your child out of this abusive environment. Your MIL is a bully and your husband has probably had a lifetime of "trying not to upset mum" and needs to think long and deeply about the future.

Veevox, you are doing the right thing. Your daughter's welfare, which includes yours, is the most important thing to consider. I hope you both settle down at your father's home, and now you are there take your time about deciding what you do next. You have been through a difficult and stressful time and it will take awhile for you to recover your equilibrium.

As for feeding cake to a 6 month old!! You have the MiL from Hell.

Just get out and get a place of your own. How feasible is that?

I want to answer this as honestly as I can, I lived next door to my mother in law and I was like touch my baby I kill you !! They would constantly want to hug and touch and be as much a part of my sons life as me and his dad was.
But you now what being a nan now I really do understand it completely. You have your own children and they grow up and being only 40 and becoming a nan was a bit of a surprise. But I never imagined in my life I could love another child like my own and when I saw my grandughter it was love at first sight.
what I would say is grandparents are invaluable , yes a pain up the arse at times but just remember they love the baby as much as you.

I was much older than you (64), when I became grandmother and I believe strongly that grandparents, how ever much the they want to' hug and touch and be as much part of their grandchild's life as their parents' should have the wisdom and knowledge to know that is far overstepping the mark and that they should stand well back and not even contemplate trying to do such a thing.

The baby is the child of the parents and they are absolutely the final arbiters of their welfare. As grandparents we all hope and want to be part of our grandchildren's lives, but we should look to our children for guidance about how they see that relationship developing and work with it.

There have been a number of threads on Gransnet from grandmothers, who have become far too enmeshed in their grandchildren's lives or expect to be like an extra parent and then are totally devastated when a child moves or tries to reduce grandparental intrusion into their lives.

I love my grandchildren dearly, I am off to fulfil my grandparental duty over half term. It is going to be marvellous, but I do feel I have such a happy relationship with DS, DDiL and DGC because I grandparent on their terms not mine.

Perhaps you wouldn't feel so bloody smug if you were were denied access flicketyB.

That cake went through the baby very quickly if it caused diarreah immediately after it was eaten.

This OP rings a bell. Have you posted about this problem before, veexox? I remember the 'barging in at the birth and calling me fat' bit.

one of my DDs has had a terrible time with her MIL since she first met SIL. I think the problem with her MIL is extreme jealousy (even trying to upset their wedding).

They have not lived in the same house but were all involved in a family business. When DGS arrived both MIL and FIL tried to take over. DD1 has had to maintain a civil but more distant relationship with them both for the sake of DGS as she feels it is important they are part of his life.

You must find your own place then you can set your own rules re your daughter's upbringing and say nicely but firmly "this is how we do it in our house and this is how it is - please!". But try to maintain contact - on your terms - although she sounds a very difficult woman. My DD1 has had to toughen up considerably over the years, her PIL are (can't express how awful), but DGS loves them and they adore him, which is what matters most of all.

Good luck.

I fail to see what was smug about my email. Being denied access is an entirely different matter and I have every sympathy for people in that position.

I was replying to a post that talked about loving a grandchild as if they were the parent and wanting to be a third parent. It really scares me when I read posts like that because, to me that is one of the first steps to being denied access or having access limited, like the MiL of Veevox.

There are many reasons why grandparents have no access to their grandchildren, most of which are out of their control and it must be truly devastating when this happens, but being denied access because the grandmother is behaving in a way that is intrusive and way over the mark does happen and is within a grandparents control.

I've never known a kangaroo court where only one party is able to put their side of the story.

I don't think the advice on here is of very good quality. Not enough give and take being advocated.

Stir up bad feelings in a family and the worst could happen.

Veevox, she can't physically restrain you. Just put the baby in the buggy and go if you want to meet your friends. Just be firm but nice. You will have to be a grownup to do that. I'm sure you can.

Could it be that we should talk to each other, not talk about each other?

I thought my advice was quite sensible jings. DD1 has had a terrible time over the years with her PIL which could have caused some people to have a nervous breakdown I thought the way DD1 dealt with the situation was admirable, and thought it would help veevox.

Should have said "some of the advice".

I just said 'never apologise' on another post - so don't!!

veevox if your MIL is as awful as you paint her then you have no choice but to go. You are Evie's mum and need to be adult and responsible. So tell your OH that you need to spend some time at your Dad's because you do not want things to get so bad that there is no route back with your MIL.
If you can come up with a positive alternative..a place to live with DH or an alternative minder for Evie when you are at Uni /work.. this will show you have thought this through seriously. Your OH needs to feel he can still love his mum and you! Try not to make it a choice..you or his mum.
If MiL cannot talk about this reasonably then write to her , carefully saying thanks for the home she has provided for you and Evie and the love she has for her. BUT you need to learn how to be Evie's mum and she needs to learn how to be Evie's grandma. Living together has blurred the lines so a time apart will help you both, and most of all Evie. Happy mum = happy baby! i really hope this works out for all of you, kids realy benefit form having a positive extended family so try hard to maintain that!

Update!

Well OH has had 3 job interviews in Manchester and has been offered a new job which I'm very happy about as my family live up there, I'm also in the middle of transferring to another university. MIL hasn't taken this well and has gone even more nuts even asking me and OH could she adopt DD as we are young and should live our lives without a baby weighing us down and I've suffered from depression in the past . I'm 21 and OH is 27 so we aren't little teenagers at school. I love my DD so much I'm considering not even allowing her to spend time with her alone as I'm scared to death she might not give her back. OH now realises how clingy she has become I can't do anything without her input, I realise LO has given her happiness for the first time in years but she needs to realise she's grandma not mummy. I feel so mean but I feel like she's mentally unhinged! Who in the world asks a mummy who loves her daughter dearly and looks after her properly to give her to granny for adoption?