Cut out of their lives 3

If that was an essay and a half RedheadedMommy, love your user name by the way, Peter Jackson could have made mine in to 3 films. Ooh, I wonder who'd he have cast in the role of my d.i.l..

Seriously though, yours is another tragic tale from a different perspective, and it's good to be reminded that this terrible situation can arise because of an unreasonable controlling mother/m.i.l.

Like you, I simply can't understand how any grand parent can throw away their opportunity of being involved in the lives of their grand children.

We've done a lot of reading about narcissistic and sociopath personalities and like your m.i.l. our d.i.l. is most definitely afflicted. On one site there were 14 key personality traits associated with sociopaths and our d.i.l. exhibits 12.

I am so sorry that your family has been affected. It must be especially hard for your DH and your children are missing out on what should be a wonderful and enriching relationship with their grand mother. I think the fact that your suggestion to talk to her and try and resolve your issues being rejected by your DH illustrates how bad this problem has become.

There was a section on a site about narcissistic personalities entitled 'Winning the Game' and the conclusion was that you can't win with people like this, so the only way of winning the game is to stop playing. I think the advice you were given to let her get on with it was probably right.

We've had no actual contact with our d.i.l. for almost 2 years and it's better that way. At least she's had no 'new' material to work with as far as we're concerned; so from what little we do know it's now all about how we're destroying our s. Strange that we should wish to do that to the boy we've loved, supported and cared for all of his life, even stranger that some of his friends who've known us for several years and witnessed the relationship we thought we had with our d.i.l., believe what she says.

I think alot of DIls are seen in a bad light, just like MILs, i also think it was nothing at all to do with the 'Title' of Mother in law, Daughter in law etc...its about the person.

My MIL is a Narc and Toxic, she was the same when DH was a child and she is exactly the same now she is a grandmother. These things don't happen over night!

It also matters how you react to that person.
If you challenge or stand up for yourself, thats when it blows up. We tried to explain to MIL that DH couldn't take DD1(few months old at the time) to her house the 3 times a week he was doing as it was just too much but she could come to our house...'If you dont want me to be in her life just say' Total over reaction. We then was bombarded with how much we have upset MIL...

DH has said she has allways been this way and when it was just 'him' he could ignore it, but when we had our DDs and became a family, it wasn't just him anymore, she was effecting all of us.
If things wasn't going the way she wanted she would use the 'I am your mother!' Which she was, but dd was HIS daughter and his priority was her. She hated that.

It is very hard to watch. DH is only child too which makes things worse.
We have allways involved her, she came to one of my scans, we went baby shopping, i used to sort all my dds christmas/birthday presents, wrap them for her, invite her for meals, christmas...you name it. Still wasn't good enough.

She used to babysit Dd1 a few hours a week for us untill we found out she'd been smoking around her and that was that then. Her reply was 'well i did it with you (DH) and you're ok, dont bother bringing her up then'.

Ok. That was an essay! Haha.

My phone battery was about to go so i had to cram everything into a small amount of time.

Regarding 'winning the game' i can really relate too. Aswell as having the last say in everything.

Im intrested in the whole 'Narc' disorder...everyone of these people are the same, the same sayings, traits..its like they all follow a script.

If you speak to my MIL now, she will say she has no idea what she has done. She honestly believes the way she has acted is ok and we are being horrible to her...therefore she will never in a million years say sorry. She also denies saying/doing things we know that has happend

Its been 9 months now..she wasn't even invited to our wedding a few months ago..even that wasn't a wake up call. Ive allways said the door is open but i need an apology first, she has gotten away with too much and its not on. At the end of it all, its my daughter's that was being messed about.

She even canceled on my DD1 because she wanted a hair cut instead. What am i ment to say to my 3 year old who wanted to see nanny?! I used to tell her she was working late i stopped telling her when she was coming down and my DD1 stopped asking about her.
Not once in 9 months has she even asked about her.

Afternoon ladies. Well not the best start to the weekend. Back to the vets with my poor boy (cat) displaying the same symptoms as 2 weeks ago when he couldn't pee. Thankfully I caught it much earlier so the treatment this time is far less intrusive and not as expensive; 100 pounds as opposed to 245. Why isn't there a pound sign on my laptop keyboard?

You've given me a very clear and scary view in to the future RedheadedMommy of the kind of m.i.l.my d.i.l. will be. As you say, it is about the person an not the title they are given to describe their position within the family. And yes, they DO hate confrontation, even in its most indirect form. If you're the type of person who wont be pushed around and beaten into submission your card is marked and your days are numbered.

We did so much for them, investing money so to begin with our s could get on the housing ladder and then allowing it to be transferred into the property they now have, so they could have a lovely family home. They married abroad as she'd fallen out with her own parents and didn't want them at the wedding; my hubby and I were the only two there on the day. We gave her a job before they were even engaged, and I was supposed to have our gs 2 days a week when she went back to work (not for us) to save them on childcare costs, and of course, nothing would have given me greater pleasure. We'd purchased 400 pounds worth of equipment for that, but it was never used as about 3 weeks before she went back, she 'phoned me and said that his dad would have him one day a week and he would go to a childminder for the rest. Apparently, I hadn't spent enough time with him and that was something I'd have to work on. Never had the chance. They live a 2 minute walk down the road and yet I never changed his nappy or even saw him in the bath.

Oh what I wouldn't have given to have seen my little gs as much as your m.i.l. saw her gd. We do see him, we drive past when he's with them or the childminder. When my hubby spoke to him last Sunday he didn't know he was his grand dad and he was so over joyed when he smiled back at him and said 'hello'.

I think you're right, there must be a hidden script some where that is only available to narcs and they all seem to follow it to the letter.

I hope your enjoying your fun packed weekend Yogagirl and I'm just wondering what Celebgran is getting up to. Hope you're doing OK angie. The weather is a little brighter here today but I suspect it's a lot sunnier and warmer where you are, even though I don't know where that is but you said you lived abroad.

Oh dear, another long post; I'd better go now and clean the silver before tackling my most hated chore - the ironing.

Hi to you all welcome red headed mommy!

Yes is good see if from other perspective.

I a. Back from Brussels, cliff was fantastic. Walking about finished my foot off so went back doctor. He think I need steroid injection got appt this afternoon.

Got Danika arriving at 1 30 so will post more later.

Yogagirl I a. British.not from turkey or Cyprus ?!

Trip sounds lovely.

Hope thinks ok with you smileless catch up later x

Sharing a Facebook page you may find helpful.
https://www.facebook.com/findmygrandparent?ref=tn_tnmn

Afternoon ladies. Hope you're all well and had a good weekend. We made the best of the weather when we got the chance and managed a couple of bbq's.

I wish our s would decide what he wants. Maybe he knows what he wants but doesn't know how to go about getting it. Maybe he knows what he wants but is too afraid to 'go for it' or maybe he STILL doesn't know that he wants. Whatever the answer is, I do wish he'd leave us alone until he's decided because once again, for the 5th time in just over 2 months he's given us false hope with an OK email and taken that hope away with his usual bitter, angry and cruel rhetoric.

What prompted nasty email number 5? Well only his car was at the house for 3 days and we were worried about him so popped down one evening last week to see if he was alright. We wouldn't have bothered if we'd known she was there; her door slamming when she realised we were at the door alerted us to her presence.

The next day we received the longest and the nastiest email to date. I haven't read it but DH has given me the concise version. He's clearly not well and needs help; once again his version of events is at odds with reality. One again the door he'd barely opened has been slammed back in our faces.

am I but not not really because this is an all too familiar and painful pattern. My greatest and at the moment only hope, is that they get a buyer and leave the village. I don't want his emails nasty or otherwise; I don't want to see him or even his car; I don't want to see her or her car and I don't want to drive past my gc when he's with them or the childminder.

I can't get him out of my head or remove him from my heart but I want him out of my face. I want him to leave us alone. I know he's not well but I'm not sure if that's why he's been doing this for the last couple of months, or if it's a rather sick and nasty game. If it is the latter I'm not up for playing.

If he really believes the awful things he says, why can't he just leave us alone to get on with our lives, make the most of what we do have and find what happiness we can?

On a rare visit to this thread as I'm having a spot of bother with my SIL. Can't go into details and am just biting my tongue at the moment as can't risk loss of contact with the grandchildren again, but isn't it a minefield sometimes . Thoughts are with you all.

for you Tegan I can't imagine how terrible it must be having had the pain of separation from your gc, resuming contact and now worrying that it may happen again.

You're absolutely right, it is a minefield and we don't seem to be negotiating it very well at the moment; we seem to keep stepping on the damn things. Not being in the same situation as you, having any contact with our gc, I can see that your dilemma is a double edged sword. They have all of the power don't they. Of course you're going to bite your tongue because you know what could happen if you don't.

I hope this 'spot of bother' your having at the moment wont turn into anything more serious and that your grandchildren wont be deprived again of their grand parents. Best wishes for you.

Thanks; it won't because I've seen how easy it is for this sort of thing to happen.

Oops Tegan I wrote on the wrong thread a little message for you it's on this evening thread ' some wise words appreciated'

Tegan. We become very good at biting our tongues don't we? Hard, but it's for the best as I have found out.

Smiless
Thank you for the link Junebug it's a good page and the video of Dc.levet was very interesting. "Pathological liars brains don't function the same as ours!"

There was a thread started by Minty I think about moving on from being cut out of our adult children's lives. I can't find it . Does anyone know where it has gone? I wanted to reread it for a little encouragement.

www.gransnet.com/forums/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1204124-Denied-Contact-How-to-move-forward

I'm 'reporting in again' after hovering in the background for a few months (in my previous life here I was goose). My three daughters and myself had the mother of rows over two years ago, which led to the three of them becoming estranged from me. My eldest daughter has prevented me from meeting my two (only) grandchildren (who are now 4yrs and 2yrs). The 4yr old grandson I haven't seen since he was 2, and my grand daughter I've never met.

Progress is very slowly being made - it's like walking on eggshells, but I meet up fairly regularly with my youngest, and occasionally see the 'middle one' - she lives a distance away - but we talk on the phone about twice a month. Last weekend my eldest and I met up on our own for the first time in over two years. She's the one that is the most bitter towards me, and up until now would not 'bend' at all. We're (hopefully) at a point where we can finally sit and talk about what happened before and since the Big Split. A lot of what she's had to say has come as a shock to me and is very hurtful, but it's stuff I need to know about - it's a case of 'let (s)he who casts the first stone be without sin' type stuff. I get to have 'my say' next time we meet. Meeting my grandchildren is not on the agenda (yet).

On the whole it's still big steps and little steps, but just getting this far along the line to recovery (though I know things will never be the same as before) is something a couple of years ago I would never have foreseen.

I so feel for those on this thread who are (like me) travelling this heart-breaking journey, it's a very lonely and frightening place to be

It was great to hear your good news boheminan I hope these positive steps continue and that you'll soon be reunited with the gc you've not seen for so long and the one you've still to meet.

This is a frightening place to be and can be lonely, I don't feel as lonely as I used too thanks to all of the lovely ladies on this thread for you all.

Thanks for the flowers Yogagirl it was nice to see you back on again. I couldn't get on to that link, is that because I don't have a face book? If so, I'll see if I can access it using my hubby's.

Not had a good day today (again!!) not even the lovely has managed to lift my spirits, still not to worry tomorrow is another day.

Good to hear how you're doing, bohemian. It sounds like you're being patient and open to hearing what your daughter wants you to know, even if it hurts or isn't how you see it. Things can only get better with this sensible approach. I wush you lots of luck and hope it's not long before you see your grandchildren, too.

thanks dragonfly for posting the link to the moving on thread. for bohemian, stansgran and all of trying to make things work.

Bohemian Well done to you, a door is opening up & you are being allowed to move through & back into your D's lives again, hopefully you will get to see your beloved GC soon as well, I pray you do God Bless.

Oh dear Smileless I think you need a little to lift your spirits

For all on here

Hi all well don bohemian I remember you well as goose ! Do hope I all works out.

Sadly we have had dreadful week husband went to see Tor on monday was our beloved Grandaughter mollie 6th birthday on8th.

Tor locked door and ran upstairs and her husband was not there, I waited round corner also. I chose pretty top from next which we both delivered and then s I law was there, they drew Curtain and closed window.

I have been all over the place this week, somehow managed to cope with clients but not slept well and feel so very sad and like we not normal!

On bright note our lovely son coming tomorrow's with his family. At least he loves us!

and smileless do hope you feeling brighter today.

Morning ladies. Thanks for the andCelebgran and Yogagirl. Well I'm glad this week is almost over as it's been truly awful. Got my hubby a card for Fathers Day as of course he didn't get one from you know who, and as it isn't Fathers Day in Oz he hasn't got one from our other son either. Of course just a nice blank card would have been nice wouldn't it.

My card made himas it's to the 'World's Grumpiest Old Man' and has a great big 'gold' badge on the front and inside says 'Happy Father's Day to a true Champion', which of course he is.

It's been a week and a half since receiving our last horrible email so we're both feeling a little better. We do seem to be able to bounce back more quickly, well they do say that 'practice makes perfect' don't they.

Oh dear Celebgran how awful for you and you're poor DH. Whenim is spot on, things can only get better with a sensible approach; unfortunately when you can't get one there's not a lot you can do. I'm so pleased that you'll be seeing your lovely s and his family tomorrow. I can't imagine how terrible this type of situation must be if you only have one child or if relations with other children have been badly affected.

for all andfor all those dads who haven't had a card today. Sorry guys that there isn't a beer to send you.

Happy Sunday one and all.

Dear Grans, sorry I've not been on for quite a while, I had to get on with my life and stop talking about my 3 grandchildren, it was just keeping me in a bad place.

Last Saturday 14.06.14, I drove over to my Daughter's house, and left the Christmas presents (2013) and Easter presents (2014), rang the bell and got into my car to leave.

However, my GD came running out, she's nearly 6, and I’ve not seen her since she started school last year. Then my eldest GS came running out, I opened the door of the car and got the biggest hugs from him, he said, "Grandma, I love you and I've missed you, so has GS 2 and GD, why have you not been seeing us". I said I'd been busy and forgot to drop their presents over. Then D came out and told us they're moving to Australia in Jan/Feb next year, had a short conversation and GS 2 came out, she told him to go back in as she needed to talk to Grandma. She then said; don't ever come over here again, unless you call first. I said I wont be coming over again, she said that's fine then.

I texted her later, to say I wouldn't have called first as you would have said no, as you told us at Easter when we asked if we could drop the Easter presents off.

Then we found out about the 700 year anniversary of Bannockburn was on 28 & 29 June, a huge event, music, things for kids, face painting, re-enactment of the battle etc etc. So I texted my daughter and told her about it and could we take the kids, lo and behold, she said we can take them on the 29th, so my darling Hubby will pick them up next Sunday at 09:00 and take them back after dinner at 18:00.

I am SO EXCITED.....so looking forward to the day.

I hope you ladies are doing okay, just going to read through all the posts, since I was last on.

and for you all. I pray each night for all of us to get some kind of peace, one way or another.

HUGE hugs for those who need it.

Librachick... I am so happy for you. Enjoy your day with the wee ones

Librachickhow wonderful. I hope you have the most wonderful day with your beloved grandchildren. Let us all now how it goes