Cut out of their lives 3

Morning Girls
I read all the posts yesterday morning, but ran out of time to reply.
Firstly Aka my sincere condolences for the loss of your DGS, I hope you can find some solace on this page, although our grieving is different. I don't know the story but would like to help if I can . I wish I had found this page before I began the court proceedings to see my DGC, as I keep thinking about one comment from, I think it was Nanban, 'just see it as a terrible tantrum, let them blow give them space and then wait to reconnect when the storm dies down', not exact words but meaning the same, so I keep thinking if only.
Librachick sorry you didn't get the job, firms do do that, advertise the position, even though they already have someone earmarked. I like you don't want to feel like I'm sitting on a shrinks coach, I just want like minded grans in the same boat to converse with and share our troubles and try to help with the knowledge of the same sad journey.
Thanks for nice words Celebgran and Smiless I'm going to pm you. xx

I've done it again , posted and then seen two more pages of posts, so sorry if I've missed commenting on something, need to read on after my shower now........

Oh dear! I should have got in the shower
Well done Dollie Smileless and Celebgran*, I have to click on so many different tabs to get to this page, that I cannot imagine anyone else finding it, as for posting on FB!!!! If they did see it, they wouldn't hear anything they don't already know as its their situation as well as mine.
Aka your D + s.i.l may well want to hear your sorrow and pain at the loss of their DS, no matter that it's 5yrs down the road, they will be feeling the same and would get comfort from you, talking about it together will bring some relief for you all, it does for me..talking.

Shower.......

Gagagran Bless you xx

Just click on 'watch this thread' yogagirl and then it will be easier to find the thread...

Yogagirl my DS asked me at the time to be strong. He said the only way they could get through this was if everyone around them, but especially me, could hold it all together. I've done as he asked. He doesn't want to talk about what happened, though sometimes my DiL and I will share a little memory of dear GS2.

Aka, you will have had to be so strong, indeed, to have 'held it together'. You were able to do this because it might have been the only thing you could do to try to ease his pain, and of course, he knew he could rely on you to do this for him. It's good that your DiL is able to talk things through with you - and hopefully this may help you, too. So very, very hard. xx

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well perhaps it does, but it also leaves you battled scarred. I'm also proud that the son I raised had the strength to pull through and put his family back together. They now have two beautiful little girls.

Hey, it's good to talk about this to people who understand loss it helps.

This week I have found out that my daughter, her husband and the two grandchildren are to be evicted from their house due to non-payment of rent. I immediately said there is a house you can stay in. I was told that they would not be going there. It seems my daughter would rather be homeless with two kids that have the sense to get into a safe house. That is what I call cutting off her nose to spite her face. I am petrified because social work are involved and I am scared they snatch the kids. I dont want the kids in homelessness but I can hardly force them into the houses offered. I think these mums are out to be as difficult as possible and they dont care how much they damage others i.e me and the kids.

Aka, I have no words to add, but we are good at listening and to act as a prop if you need it.
You did indeed raise a son to be proud of who gained his strength from you.

Yes indeed she did!

Smiless2012 in you post of
Smileless2012 Fri 21-Feb-14 20:19:46
You posted ......
"better that I should vilify those that I do, on here, with a user name rather than do so to family members and neighbors in an attempt to turn them against my s and d.i.l"

Smileless I understand how upset you are about your lack of contact with your GCs. but I do not see how it can be possibly be "better to vilify" anyone, however angry and hurt you are with them and whether it is done under an assumed name or not.

From what you are saying in that post you seem to suggest that you "have to" vilify them somehow and that you are making a choice which way you do it.

I cannot see that this reaction is ever going to help your relationship or your difficulties with contact. You do have a choice to stop feeling angry. Sadness yes, but anger will hurt you more than anyone else and solves nothing.

Vilifying anyone is putting you in the position of setting your mind so completely against them that the chances are you will find it very hard to ever accept any approaches they might feel they want to make towards you.

I am just concerned that if you continue your anger you might be making this estrangement harder to heal.

Wise words, nellie and offered with kindness. Please at least think about it?

Oh thank you so much Dollie, you are so right, we went and just got in 3 hour journey there due to roadworks on m25 and traffic!
Our dear sons partner did us such delicious meal and fanatic see boys and of course my lovely son! Tired now, dear husband did all driving! Bless him he is worried about me and our son was a huge help last nigh speaking to us both on phone, thank god we have him.

Aka I get out breath going upstairs or walking even short distances, however today walked long way with son and family and it seemed to settle, I was fine, I almost wonder if stress is a factor if not it wouldnt settle would it ?

It was a magical day which lifted our spirits and restored our equilibrium!

Aka you have done exactly what your son asked and so brave of you, glad you can share memories with d I law. I would imagine it is not something you will ever totally recover from without sounding crass it is like us I will never wake up a s say yippee over that now lost only daughter and 3 Grandaughters but it's fine. Please keep posting we can all help each other and we do enjoy day to day banter is not all heavy! I only read your blog yesterday and wish to add. MY very sincere sympathy for the horrendous sadness you and family have had to deal with and still are I would imagine.

Smileless I have never read anything deliberately unkind or judgemental you have posted so at loss to understand the post saying about your anger.
Anger is part of our feelings at what has happened to us and it would be very strange not to feel some it is a normal part of the grieving process.

Well off to have shower. Wish all days could be as lovely as this one has been!
Happy weekend to us all

I know it's very late and most of you will be sleeping but I've had a very busy day; nice but busy.

I wish Nelliemoser that I could find the words to describe how I feel, but I cannot. My brain tells me that feeling such anger is destructive but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do with pain; I don't know where I should send it.

My s lives just down the road from me, and on the odd occasion I see him, and it happens very rarely, I don't know whether to feel love and sorrow for what I have lost or sheer rage. You see, I am angry. Angry at the lies he has told about me, angry that he has deprived me of my only gc who he knew I loved so much and promised he would never take from me. Angry because I adored him and we had such a wonderful relationship and he has thrown it all away. Angry that he has tried to turn my other s against me.

You say I have a choice, whether to feel angry. Do I? I loved him, I am not and have never set my self up as a perfect parent but I have done nothing, nothing to deserve the treatment I have received. I still wake up, each morning and think this must be a terrible night mare, it cannot be true, but it is.

You speak of setting my mind against someone (my son) that I would find it hard to accept any approaches he may make towards me. He walked past me a week ago; I never thought I would see such disdain and animosity in the eyes of my own child.

What wouldn't I give for a single gesture or loving word, but there is nothing. There has been nothing for 18 months.

I know you have posted out of concern, and I appreciate it; I really do.

It's great to see so many posts on here today and I know I have some pm's to respond too and I will hopefully do so tomorrow. Because tomorrow will come, whether I want it to or not. And there are endless tomorrows to face, with out my darling boy and precious gc.

PS what I actually said was better to vilify on here with a user name than to do so to family members and neighbors in an attempt to turn them against my s and d.i.l. which unfortunately has been the reality of my own experience.

The latter is what they have been doing.

Just wanted to clarify.

smileless you write very clearly and with such emotion. It would break my heart, finally, if my son walked past me in that way. And I can understand that such hurt would turn to anger. Anger is an emotion which can work to save you from the pain turning inwards and destroying you completely. You can only hope that one day, something, will trigger in his mind an understanding of what he has done to you and change his mindset. I don't know how old you son is, but as we grow older and life's experiences, good and bad, come thick and fast then some people develop an empathy lacking in their younger self.

Celegran so glad you have someone who can validate your sense of worth and confirm what a good mother and grandmother you are. Your son and his partner must be a great comfort to you.
I asked about your breathlessness because I'm having the same problem following a nasty cold. I'm going to start doing breathing exercises and gradually increase my aerobic fitness (ha!) as, you be honest, during this awful weather I've not been doing much at all.

Thank you everyone who has offered words of comfort to me. Xx

I really dont think it comes down to 'choice' re estranged children because us grans know instantly what we want and when the hand of friendship is not reciprocated its another kick in the teeth for us...its like hanging on to a rope that is fraying and we are hanging on for dear life....

Back to the strong winds and rain today...at least the daylight is getting longer...hope everyone is having a good weekend...

Morning ladies. Thank you Aka for understanding. I am aware of the destructive nature of anger but on my days I cope better than on my ones if that makes any sense, bec. as you say, anger is an emotion that can stop the pain from turning inwards and destroying you completely.

Good days are good, days can be most productive especially if I'm at the gym but days always seem to last twice as long as the others, draining my energy even when on those days I do practically nothing.

I hope and pray that one day he will realise what he has done to us and come back. He used to have such wonderful empathy but seems to have lost it, but that's not to say he wont find it again.

What a terrible loss your family has suffered. It must have been so hard for you to have held it together; the support you have been able to give to your s and d.i.l. must have been, and continue to be invaluable. How wonderful that they have two beautiful little girls.

Know that you can share as many memories of your DGS2 with us here as you want too, and as often as you wish; we would love to hear them .

Oh what joy, son in Aus. is skyping so I'll be back shortly (hope I don't lose all my typing). Hubby not here; hope I can work out how to get on line with him.
Much to my amazement, and even more so to my son's, I managed to get on line with him and we've just had a lovely natter. Hubby didn't back in time so he'll speak to him later. Thanks also to Gagagran for your kind and thoughtful contribution to this thread; enjoy the lovely family that you've been blessed with.

What a lovely poem Dollie; something that can be read over and over again and never cease to inspire and bring comfort.

So pleased you both had a good day Celebgran; just what the doctor ordered . Hope you eventually got around to having your shower Yogagirl lol. I know what you mean, it can be fateful coming on here first thing before doing any thing else as you can end up losing a couple of hours!! Thought I'd be sensible for a change and get everything done before hand.

Not a bad day weather wise, but that awful wind is back. Have a peaceful Sunday every one. xx

Thank you Dollie I'll try what you said.
Aka obviously you have to respect your S wishes and everyone deals with loss in their own way, from my point of view I need to talk about it otherwise I feel all this pent up emotion killing me, 'chatting' on here is great and with my ND of course, with my friends occasionally but with them I do now try not to keep on about it. Still You might find that if you started the conversation with your S it would all come gashing out and he would greatly benefit from letting go. I'm sure he must talk to his oh about it though. Bottom line is, you know your S best, so perhaps will read the signs of when he is ready to talk about it all, I think its unhealthy to hold it all in, talking is healing in progress.
Celebgran so pleased you had a lovely visit with your DS and his family, I'm sure your breathlessness is down to stress, I have experienced the same thing when my father died unexpectedly, then when my mother died and now with being cut off from my D + GC, I got checked at the hospital too and got the all clear, so mine was definitely down to stress!
Smileless I feel the same as you, re the anger bit and of course we mothers would feel anger at the person who has cut us off from our beloveds. I will always hate my nasty s.i.l and his mother, there was no reason to do what they did, just down to spiteful jealousy! I am now at a place of acceptance though, coupled with deep sadness and grieving, but only because there is nothing more I can do.
Hope you got rid of your wind Smileless lol.
Your right about the empathy bit [Aka], that part of the brain is the last bit to be developed at about 25yrs, so I'm waiting and hoping that my D's develops soon and this will wake her up to the enormity of what she has done.
and well it is Sunday xx

Oh Yogagirl thanks for making my hubby and me laugh, you are naughty but very nice with it. The wind has died down, but still here.

Good night every one xx

Good evening ladies. Rather an upsetting day today . My bro and I were at the house this afternoon painting, and after a couple of hours my bro went home to find our mum had fallen on the stairs and had been stuck there for the whole time he was out.

As I drove home I saw the ambulance outside her house ; well as you can imagine my heart was in my throat bec. you always tend to think the worse don't you.

He's just 'phoned and said she's fractured her arm but hopefully will be able to come home this evening. Could have been a lot worse but upsetting none the less.

Good session at the gym this morning and of course more painting; should have it finished by Wednesday then just some cleaning to do before the carpets are fitted.

That's really interesting Yogagirl about the part of the brain concerned with empathy being the last to develop and taking about 25 years. Like you, I hope this develops soon, and I guess if we're really lucky it may be a case of 'better late than never'.

Hope you all had a good day and have a good evening too.

Haven't got time to read and post at moment, but just seen this and thought of all of us grans.....

Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.
— Unknown

Post later. Have a good day. xxx

Dont agree about the brain brain part empathy developing at 25.... My younger daughter is 30 this year and if anything has got worse with her vile attacks !!!

Sorry to hear about your mum smiles hope she gets better soon...

Re ' walking away' yes thats so true albeit hard...ive had to do that for my own sanity...i cannot and will not be dragged down to my daughters level....it was her choice to be the way she is no one forced her...

I wont contact her again ....if she wants me she knows where i am ....ive left the door ajar the choice is hers...

Another depressing day with the weather...come on spring!!!!

Is it ok if I pop into this thread? I do read it and feel for you all in your sadness, but rarely feel I have anything useful to say. Librachick your post has reminded me of a poem I love, and one that could apply to mums and grans everywhere at times. I hope it is not out of place.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

The Journey
Mary Oliver