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Selfish Son or is it me

(44 Posts)
over60plus Mon 10-Mar-14 13:53:46

We have a 48 year old son divorced with two grown up kids who are super he's been in a relationship for about 10 years she walked out a few months ago they were buying a property between them he paid her of. The home was a disgrace but we helped were we could cleaned decorated paid for new floor covering curtains etc he decided he would buy cheaper property, we went yesterday to help with garden and he said can you have a look at the paperwork about selling house, no problems shall we look at it now no I am going for a drink what's more important. Anyway bring it home it should have been filled in and returned within 7 days, so spoke to him and he said every time I ask you for help there is a problem everything is to much trouble don't bother I will manage myself you are poor parents when you can't help your only son.

grannyactivist Mon 10-Mar-14 14:06:00

Selfish son. Sorry to be so blunt, but at 48 he is of an age to be managing his own paperwork and seems to be laying his own incompetence at your door.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 10-Mar-14 14:07:49

Oh. Sounds a little bit like someone I know. hmm Is he on the very outer reaches of the autistic spectrum? I often think mine is. shock

Aka Mon 10-Mar-14 14:18:05

Leave him to sort it out or 'manage' it, as he puts it, himself. Remain friendly and approachable but don't in the calmest way possible, back off.

Aka Mon 10-Mar-14 14:18:58

Should read 'don't offer any more help'

tanith Mon 10-Mar-14 14:42:45

I agree with the others take a step back and let him get on with running his own life and deal with the consequences if he doesn't do what needs to be done.

Mishap Mon 10-Mar-14 14:46:31

He's a big boy now and should be able to deal with these things himself. It is not your job.

Elegran Mon 10-Mar-14 14:51:34

He is old enough to be helping his parents with their home maintenance, not sitting back while they help him. Share and share alike at least.

Do you have a room that needs decorating? If so, ask for HIS help and see what response you get. If his jaw drops at the very thought, then reminisce about just how YOU were doing everything yourself when you were his age.

Anne58 Mon 10-Mar-14 15:37:09

I think you already know the answer to the question posed in your OP!

Are you new to Gransnet?

penguinpaperback Mon 10-Mar-14 15:47:23

No you are not being unreasonable at all. At 48 your son is only seven years younger than me. It's time he stood on his own 2 feet.

annodomini Mon 10-Mar-14 16:41:44

He has taken you for granted for 48 years. It's time you thought about yourselves.

HildaW Mon 10-Mar-14 17:45:28

He is far too old to acting this way. He is a middle-aged man who should have been standing on his own two feet for at least the last 20 years. Time he was helping you out with gardening, legal affairs etc. You are doing him no favours continuing to humour him.

rosesarered Mon 10-Mar-14 17:53:50

unless he has mental health problems of any kind and cannot understand paperwork, then I would do as others say, calmly back off for a while. If he really does need your help in this, get him to come to your home and go through it together. Good Luck.

Grannyknot Mon 10-Mar-14 19:56:47

He is 48! He should be doing all his own paperwork.(I'm assuming he does not have any problems that prevent him from looking after himself).

Smileless2012 Mon 10-Mar-14 20:10:58

Not just selfish, but lazy and ungrateful I'm afraid. As far as the paper work is concerned I agree with rosesarered, go through it with him rather than doing it for him.

FlicketyB Tue 11-Mar-14 08:31:20

A phrase like 'you are poor parents when you cannot help your only son' is emotional blackmail. Has he used that tactic with you before? Do you always respond to it? DH was an only son and he was more likely to be helping his parents rather than expecting them to be helping him.

Tell him firmly but kindly that at 48 he is fully grown-up and should be able to manage his own affairs without his parents help. All of us help our children (and they help us) that is how families work but it should be reciprocal not one way. Ask him to do something to help you.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 11-Mar-14 09:17:03

I think it can, and probably should, be a two way thing. My son helps us a lot in the spheres he knows more about than we do, but when anything goes wrong for him, it's still Mum he pours it all out to. And expects me to support him, even when it's his own fault. hmm

grannyactivist Tue 11-Mar-14 11:03:18

My own children often use me as a sounding board and I still help them out in many ways, but my approach is always to get them to do what they can and then I'll fill in the gaps. They are hugely grateful for anything my husband and I do and I am sure will reciprocate when the time comes that we need help. I'm afraid the OP has described the behaviour of a difficult teenager rather than that of a mature adult.

over60plus Tue 11-Mar-14 20:20:06

Thank you for comments I ended up doing the paperwork, did I get a thank you and then to top it up his daughter who graduated last year offered to take him for a birthday treat but know he goes out with his mates on a Sat he is jus a selfish pig and that's being unkind to pigs sorry rant over

Elegran Wed 12-Mar-14 09:03:40

And did you comment "Are you going to thank me for doing this for you?" You knew he was not going to be grateful without a nudge.

If you did not remind him, after all the replies that you have had (and you were already annoyed at his attitude) then I am afraid he will not change.

We can only give an opinion to you, we can't speak to him and tell him off on your behalf. It is your life. If you don't do it then I can think of a few reasons why not.

1) You may be afraid of him. This is bad and if you think that he will bully you, you should be informing the police.

2) You may afraid he will stomp off so that you never see him again. He won't. You are too useful to him.

3) You may think it is easiest to indulge him. Fine, if he does things for you in return, not fine if you are dosgbody. And what will he do when you can no longer take on all his legwork?

4) You may be exaggerating what you tell us to get our sympathy. I am sure that can't be the case, but you do see how other people could get rather tired of trying to help you when nothing changes?

Next time he wants to play the helpless baby boy with no responsibilities, you need to play the helpless old mother with the big strong son.

glammanana Wed 12-Mar-14 09:16:35

over60plus welcome to gransnet if you are new to the forum,you son sounds like a spoilt teenager really who is stamping their feet when things don't go their way,I feel sorry for your grand-daughter and her offer for a birthday meal how thoughtless of him to put his drinking first,does he have any sisters who can talk to him and make him realise how he is treating you and you OH,I think the time may have come to pull the plug on the help and let him find his own way in life he is certainly old enough.

Elegran Wed 12-Mar-14 09:30:08

That is what we have all said, Glamma He is acting like a spoilt child.

It is up to Over60plus to stick up for herself when expected to continue the process and not live his life (the bits that are hard work) for him.

Elegran Wed 12-Mar-14 09:53:59

Over60plus Can I refer you to another thread, where a poster wishes that all the relations who come and stay for their holidays with her, would invite her to stay with them for a change?

Flowerofthewest Wed 12-Mar-14 23:07:57

48??? He is not a child but acting like one and a spoilt one at that. Send him on his way with a pen to fill his own papers in.

absent Thu 13-Mar-14 04:56:31

Am I the only one who feels a certain sympathy for the partner of 10 years who left a few months ago?