Mother's day acknowledgment!

Oh Rubylady so sorry to hear that. Maybe he will come to his senses later and realise he is out of order. Just one question . Does he take any drugs because it can lead to unpredictability? My lovely DS got in with a bad lot about the same age and started smoking cannabis. He became lazy and rude. Thankfully we found out and he eventually dumped the "friends" and moved away with work. He is now a lovely thoughtful man who will be going out for lunch with me and DD and DGC today.

anyas right. Its time for tough love. You can't go on tolerating his behaviour (or you can but must accept that he'll think its acceptable and may even get worse).

I have 4 children.

DD 1) age 29. nothing.

DS 1) age 27. nothing.

DD 2) age 26. nothing.

DS 2) age 15. nothing.

I'm sure DD 1 will pop over later with a card but it's a bit late then imo.

& to people who say 'it's a load of commercial nonsense'. - well maybe, but it's one day a year when your children could show a tiny bit of appreciation

Just want to cry tbh.

Sorry to all the mums having a tough time. I think all mothers have tears and feel unloved, at different times.

It seems to be a mother's lot, in life. Men don't seem to understand, it's to do with the physical attachment when giving birth.

For me it makes the times when they are thoughtful, and my GCs more precious.

I think we all try to bring our children up to be strong individuals, cut the aprons strings and yet be there for them when needed. It's tough.

x

Oh please don't cry bee63

I probably won't get a card form either of my DC today. DD will be at work (she works shifts) and DS will be cooking dinner , cleaning and looking after the the little one while DDiL will be at the stables with the DGD's. I know they care. I know they appreciate me. I really don't need a card or flowers to prove it. Maybe you should try and turn things around and do something for yourself to celebrate the fact that you brought up 4 wonderful children who are now adults with lives of their own. No mean achievement ! to you from me.

bee63 there's still time.

Thank you gillybob. xx

Rubylady, although I don't for one moment think you should have to put up with being hit by your son, I can understand your not wanting him to leave home under such a horrible cloud. I can only suggest that you try really hard to avoid any other confrontations like this. I know he should have picked up the carton but perhaps he would have done eventually if you had not said anything. I'm not blaming you for one moment. What he did was very wrong, but I think avoidance is probably the best way forward.

I do hope the rest of the day gets better for you.

bee65

63! not 65!

Thank you jinglbellsfrocks.

& don't worry, you just made me 2 years younger!

Jingle has made a very good point. It takes two to argue and then things get out of hand. Your son certainly sounds very unhappy, but unable to deal with other than in anger.

The advice of trying to avoid confrontation is good. Walk away, if followed, go out for a walk.

Although your son is nearly 18, he is still very young. Most mums think of their 30 year old sons as just out of short trousers!

I sincerely hope that your situation is sorted in an amicable way. x

Would any of you offer that same advice to his future wife? That is 'try really hard to avoid confrontation' in case he lashes out at you?

I think not.

Hopefully, he will be a bit older than 18 when he has a wife Anya.

bee

ruby no mother should be abused physically by their child, but I can understand that you don't want him to leave in this unhappy way.
However, he needs to learn that his behaviour is unacceptable, and maybe he needs some help in order to understand that.
You have tried so hard

I don't think anyone is condoning the violence in this situation. In fact I was hoping to offer a way of avoiding verbal conflict which could get out of hand.

As I and others have suggested the young man in question seems immature.

No one should be subjected to abuse, physical, verbal or emotional.

x

And he sounds as though he is a bit of a hormonal wreck at the moment. Hopefully he will come through that.

And his wife will have chosen to take him on. Rubylady hasn't.

ruby you wrote a long post detailing an horrendous night with your son and ended it still going on about not getting a mothers day card.

FFS you need to get the situation at home sorted - your tall strong son hit you on the head and later out of the blue he hit you in the neck!

I think in the past you've tried lying low and keeping the peace so he doesn't get upset but your own safety must come first particularly as you're awaiting major heart surgery!

Slapping is not acceptable from either person but I do think you over reacted over a dropped carton.

jingl I have a lot of respect for your opinions, but on this I have to differ.

Any son who lashes out at his mother, is a domestic abuser in the making. He needs to understand that you do not hit women even if he considers 'they deserved it', which is NEVER the case.

Anya you are right. B

I don't think they truly appreciate you until they have left home, ruby. Or have children of their own. Also, Mother's Day means nothing to many women, strange though it may seem to the rest of us. My mother isn't at all bothered about it, yet even though she was a pretty dreadful mother, we feel guilty about thinking it, so always send her lovely presents!

as for someone further up the thread suggesting that DiLs should remind the DS's - that is what I always hated about being married/in a relationship. We really shouldn't have to. The whole thing is a circle of guilt, in the end, rather than a spontaneous show of affection. Yet I still find myself wondering whether DS will remember to send me a card, even though I know he has a short-term memory problem, and I certainly can't rely on DBH to remind him because - he can't even remember his own parents' birthdays!

If You ask DBH what date his parents' birthdays are on, all he can tell you is, sometime in March. So how on earth I can expect him to remember Mother's day (we don't have daily papers or watch real time tv) I don't know!

rubylady I'm sorry you've had such an awful morning.

Is it possible that your son would have picked up the milk carton without you ordering him to do so? You also slapped him. Of course, it is totally wrong that he hit you on two occasions but if you behave violently you have in a sense set the agenda.

I'm only saying this because what you describe reminds me of some of the confrontations I had with my own daughter when she was in her mid teens. She was undoubtedly very wilful but, on reflection, I think I reinforced it. If I had remained calm and polite myself I might have avoided a lot of shouting matches and very unpleasant confrontations. And I wish I'd learned to discriminate between bad behaviour which really cannot be overlooked and just general bolshiness - which often comes with teenage territory.

It is too late for me to change things now but there is still time for you and your son to try and meet each other half way and rescue your relationship.

My DS sent a card via moonpig but at least he remembered and he has phoned me. DD has sent a card but no phone call yet. I assume she is probably with her MIL who lives round the corner or they are taking her out or cooking her dinner.

Ruby I'm so sorry to ready your post,especialy after I have just replied to your pm from the other week, It does sound like you may be better living on your own, but as a mother, you prob don't want to isolate your son (although very easy to that at this moment in time)!! I don't have sons so I'm not much help, but I do have young grandsons and If I heard that when he was older he treat my DD like this, then I would have some harsh words to say! maybe try not doing as much for "him" and concentrate on "you"...I hope your day improves as it goes on...