Mother's day acknowledgment!

(((hugs))) to all of you having a bad day.

bee63 I fully agree with your remark "& to people who say 'it's a load of commercial nonsense'. - well maybe, but it's one day a year when your children could show a tiny bit of appreciation"

The more Mother's day, (and Christmas) get over commercialised the more we feel left out if we are not living this dream.

However rational we try to be about it.

I agree with Eloethan.
This is a complicated situation, as you did hit him first.
And he is 18 and likely to move out soon.

Can I ask, as I cant remember, does he have additional needs?

None of this means he should have hit you back.

Ruby What a sad morning for you and your son,there is no way it should have escalated as it did but whats done is done now and there is no going back,it sounds as though your boy needs a quick lesson in respecting you but the slapping did not do you any favours.I would have a male relative have a strong sharp talk with him about respecting women specially his mother and tell him you will not put up with his abusive behaviour anymore.

Very sad indeed- but as said, made much much more complicated and difficult due to the fact you hit him first. Let's hope you can find a way to turn this around- for both your sakes. Bonne chance.

rubylady I imagine you're feeling pretty awful after this -and probably your son's feeling much the same.
I do hope you manage to turn this around-as the adult you'll need to make the first move.
Much wise advice above, good luck x

I wish there was just some way you could both have a break away from each other.

Thank you for your replies. I am sorry if I have upset anyone else on their own Mother's Day, it was not my intention. from me to you all.

No, he is not on any special needs, nor is he on drugs.

I do think he does have some sort of problem, I don't know what exactly but I have been with him to the hospital and after an assessment of five minutes for autism they said he hadn't got any problems with that.

I have tried to get help from all walks of authority, schools, college, police, doctors, counsellors. All to no avail. He did a course of counselling at Think Positive but after his sessions he would say that he wasn't taking any notice of the guy who was taking him. So that was a waste of time. I tried a private counsellor but after telling him he wouldn't open up to him, he never came again. I feel like I have been banging my head against a wall for the last three years and I am sorry for losing it last night but I had just about had enough and I know I shouldn't have let it get to me in that way but the arrogance in which he speaks to me just made me snap.

He has enjoyed walking away from me while I struggle to breathe. He refuses to even make a brew. I can have just cleaned all the kitchen and then he comes along and leaves milk cartons or cereal boxes out on the worktop without either throwing them away or putting them back. I am tired, not physically, but emotionally, I'm drained. How many times do you ask nicely for them to respect you and your space?

I never wanted it to get to this, I have been the only one looking out for him. Home schooling for four years due to severe bullying. No help from the authorities there. I have told my brother about all this as it has gone on but he refused to talk to him. He has two older sons of his own. He was about to go last night and not say anything to him. He let my ex husband beat me and not say anything to him. I've been allowed to be a punchbag by my family and they have stood and watched. To be honest it was a waste of time my brother saying anything anyway. My son hates him so he isn't going to take any notice of him, is he? If a policeman talking to him doesn't make him sit up and take notice then nothing will. Is it society? Are young people not afraid of any authority any more?

It could be all bravado, of course, but it is going to be too late to find out if he carries on in this way. He is screwed up as his dad abandoned him on his 8th birthday on the front doorstep. I know he is screwed up and he is hitting out verbally, emotionally and physically at me for it, but I have to draw the line as it is not me who has abandoned him. I will not tolerate such behaviour any more. My chest is so tight most of the time as I don't know from one minute to another which son will come into the room as he also can be loving and kind. I have wondered if he is bi-polar. Other than college he sits in his room on his computer and occasionally comes down and chats to me but very animated and fidgety. Always has been, very hard work, it took him till about 7 years old to sit still and watch a film all the way through. Plus 4 years sleeping with me as he wouldn't go into his own cot/bed.

I don't know. It could be normal behaviour. I have only ever had him as a boy, I don't know if other boys are hyper all the time as children, into everything still as a teen. He sat down for five minutes the other night and everything around him had been pulled apart or played with and left out, leaving me to clean up. If I tell him to come and do it he just says no. What are you supposed to do with that? I have disciplined, just as much as my DD and she never disobeyed me like that. How do you discipline a 6ft 2 in person when he is refusing to do as I ask. How is he going to get a job? How is he going to work in society?

I take on board what you say about him getting a wife. I did not want to have him leave home with this problem hanging over him as I do not want to just pass the problem on, I wanted it sorted before and then he left me with comfort and ease of mind. But I have tried and I cannot lead the horse to water and make it drink.

I really don't know what to say, you're utterly drained and exhausted and I'm not the least bit surprised after reading this.
Perhaps the best thing would be to tell him what you've written here and put it in writing to him.
He, for whatever reason, isn't receptive to even being civil to you so perhaps telling him to leave will make him sit up and think.
Certainly he does seem to have some kind of problem but carrying on like this isn't an option.

rubylady- you just can't go on like this- as it is not going to get better. Perhaps what happened will force the issue somehow- and he will either realise he has to change his ways- or you will both realise, in your own way- that he has to go and get his own life and leave you to get on with yours. Make an appointment with your GP to go and discuss your health and ask for advice, If your son has no special needs as such- then respite care won't be available. he knows you don't want him on the streets- and he is possibly using it as emotional blackmail- and knows he can get away with such bad behaviour.

I would tra and remain very calm and say you 2 just have to talk- and explain that, as much as you love him and understand how much he was hurt by his dad leaving him so young- your health is suffering and you can't live like that any longer. You will have to be prepared to apologise sincerely and profusely for lashing out at him- and explain that his behaviour makes you bottle your anger so much that you did explode- and that you truly regret it.

Then if he won't listen or lashes out again- you will have to ask him to leave, and mean it, and stick to it. If he listens, takes it on board and makes a big effort to change his ways (and you will have to try and acknowledge this and perhaps tone down your own expectations of orderly ness too) - then this will perhaps bring you much closer together. it could actually be the trigger for change and better days ahead.

Thinking of you xxx

Rubylady I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. (((hugs)))

Thank you both for your comments. He is supposed to be seeing one of his tutors in the morning at college who deals with their emotional needs and has, in the past, sorted out accommodation for young people under the age of 18. So this is the path he says he wants to take.

Me, on the other hand, will have to phone the housing association and ask if I can have a lodger in his room otherwise I will have the bedroom tax to pay again. Plus a lot of my money goes when he does so getting a lodger in will make up some way for that and give me some company too as I do not want to be here alone really. I have thought about this before for when he was to move to university next year so it will just be brought forward.

It's not easy, is it?

rubylady my heart goes out to you.
You have tried so hard, you are drained, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
You need peace, and yet of course will worry if/when he leaves.
But you cannot continue like this, when or where or how will it end.?

Could you both go see GP together. Ask for help.
I know Social Workers get bad PR but outside help of some sort might help in intervention. Though SWs are up to their eyes and have little time also.

There is definitely something up, anger management issues ??
Yes, we know you shouldn't have hit him........ I'd have been hard pushed to keep my hands off him myself.

"""""""Can I tell a story.... many years ago, a close friend had a son of about 22 who was very difficult, rude, drank to excess, took money from purse, smoked weed in bedroom. There were also two younger siblings who were no trouble and never have been trouble.

At the time that the mother found the equipment for smoking weed etc she was devastated and called on a strong minded male member of the family. We'll call his F. F went to the house, very angry, got the son by the collar and put him up against the wall, told son that if there was ever a suspician again that he/son brought weed/drugs into the house, F (the male family member) would have the drug squad into the house and pull it to bits and he (the son) would never set foot in the house again.
Also if he dared to continue to be rude and bolshie and ever again stole anything, F would make sure that he'd spend the rest of his days looking over his shoulder !!!

Not saying that this was right or wrong, it was a mother at the end of her tether and needing help. Fifteen years on the son is now settled, married, working and has three children. Rings his mother when he remembers, mother and father goes to visit twice a year (he lives a long way distant though still in UK). He talks to his younger brothers who are great fellows, via xbox stuff.
He'll never be the most considerate son but he's a helluva lot better that was ever hoped for. """"

roselady I think you need a helping hand in real life, you need some support for yourself, your emotions, and regarding the way forward.
Good luck x

Coolgran Thank you. This is what I have wanted someone to do, not to hurt him obviously, but to give him a severe talking to. Now wouldn't you think that person would be my brother, his uncle. And yet last night I had to nearly beg my brother to talk to him. It has took him three years to do it. He got him downstairs and, as my brother works in a school, he was all "professional" with him. He wasn't a child at his school, he was his nephew, having hit his sister. He sort of mediated but he doesn't make sense and also he hasn't been a full time dad to his two so he doesn't know how they can wind you up when it is full time and a single parent. His sons have had the benefit of three adults to bring them up, their mum and dad and stepdad. I felt like screaming, I really did. I could parent for a couple of hours at a time and then send them back to their other home. That would have been utter bliss. The advantage of having children but little responsibility for them. And then he had all his own time to himself for going out drinking and pulling women, which he does, a lot.

My DS has been upstairs all day today, hardly a word and certainly no remorse or apology. He did apologise when the police were here but then got all cocky again when speaking with my brother. I'd have had an accident if my uncle had had to speak to me in that manner, he used to scare me when he was being nice to me. I really do wonder where the respect has gone for elders these days?

Talking about him pulling women, he was looking at his watch, sending texts, and then told us that he had better things to do that try to help us. Great, I felt loved. I think he had been on a promise and we were keeping him from her. He drove off quite fast without a backward glance.

All that after three years of me wanting some help. We probably took it out on each other, you know, frustration and all. Which is silly as we have only had each other to depend on for the last nine years.

Well that is the point. You only have each other and you need a change. The best thing is for you to start seriously looking for a lodger. A young friendly woman who will make a brew and have chat instead of behaving like an evil spirit in the house. He is poisonous. His father left ten years ago . He should have processed that or some of that by now. If he saw you were really keen on someone replacing him and looking forward to it then it might concentrate his mind a little. You may not want him to leave because of the hassle filling his room but it may well be the best thing for your health and welfare. I am so sorry for your situation but I feel he sounds loathe some and he is a user, he has IMO used up your goodwill.

Does your son sabotage things in any way, either emotionally, or in a practical way?

Also, apologies, I dont read all threads, did your son have a girlfriend at some stage? Is she still with him? And what was his attitude to her and you at that time?

I get the imp[ression, and could be wrong, that he is so upset that his dad did what he did, that he doesnt care about much else, and that includes himself to a certain extent.
Does he look after himself as regards personal hygiene?

Has he ever had therapy regarding what his dad did?
Apologies for multiple posts.

Rubylady.... the family member who dealt with the son was his uncle.... Also my husband. He put the fear into him...there is no doubt.
There was no bad feeling ongoing.

Stansgran I think to use such terms as "evil spirit"/"poisonous"/"loathsome" to describe someone who I presume you have never met, does seem rather unfair to me.

I was so sorry to read about what happened yesterday Rubylady; I hope things have settled down today and that you are feeling a little calmer.

Some excellent advice has been given to you on this thread and I do believe that your son finding alternative accommodation, at least for the time being, would be the best thing for you both.

I think you said that your husband was physically abusive during your marriage and it's some times the case that a cycle of abuse can be passed on to children, making them abusers. Your son may not have actually witnessed this, but maybe he would hear what was happening and see the results of the abuse. Perhaps his child hood memories have given him the wrong perspective on the relationship between men and women and that violence is acceptable.

I know that you struck out first which is indeed unfortunate but for a strong 18 year old who is 6'2" to respond in the same way, and then to strike you a second time without provocation is totally unacceptable.

Some time apart to give you both time and space could well be the answer and if at all possible, it would be better if you can talk about his moving out so it can be viewed as a mutual decision.

I hope you can find a way forward.

Stansgran Evil spirit, poisonous, loathsome, and is a user? That is harsh. He is a 17 year old lad with issues about certain things including his father leaving him on the doorstep at 8 years old. There are lots of different things which have gone on in our family, most of which would make your hair curl and which I am not willing to put on here, but which my son now knows about, being older. He is a very sensitive person and I do think that people who take things more to heart have trouble with their minds and in keeping thoughts about what has happened at bay.

I have sorted out some counselling for him. He has said that he will be open and honest to whoever he is taking the counselling from, as he did do some but tried to hide most of what he was feeling but now realises that it has only come back to haunt him again. Hopefully that, and a thorough check up at the doctors to check for anything medically wrong will help to set him back on his way to good health.

I am not making excuses for him as what we both did was wrong. But like he says, we have been through some sh*t together and I am not willing to throw him out onto the street and make him homeless as this is the option for under 18 years olds and he isn't 18 yet. I want to set him up with a good life, to go to university and get the degree he wants and the job he is looking forward to doing, not destroy him because of one mistake. We have all made mistakes.

I am also going to sort out some family counselling for us both so that I can also learn from last weekend. It is no use just pinning the blame on him, I was at fault too. If I had not hit him, he would not have retaliated. It is time to take stock of us both being different people to a few years ago.

Coolgran What do you mean, the person who gave him a talking to was your husband? Or have I read it wrong????

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this, it has been a difficult weekend and my head has hurt with thinking since. Plus my heart is bruised with feeling awful about it all. But thanks, I really would be lost without you. X

Sorry Soontobe no, my son always looks after everything, he is very good like that. Yes, he had a girlfriend but they split a couple of weeks ago but remained friends. He has a good circle of friends at college.

He is very hygienic. And he has had counselling for his dad leaving him but he refused at the time to open up and kept it all in. He now realises that this was the wrong thing to do as he is still suffering with it and wants to try again after crying his eyes out yesterday to the point of getting chest pains. I couldn't throw him out in that state, what sort of a mother would I be?

Hopefully the right counselling will be the way forward, for us both.

ruby you sound like a lovely, caring mum trying to do her best

Nobody is suggesting you throw him out on the street Ruby but it might be better if he does get his own flat. I can tell you are reluctant to take that advice.

Many of us had fathers who left. Some were multiple leavers, going then coming back then going again. Once on Christmas Eve. Each time is traumatic but I would never have considered hitting my mother even though she could be physically and verbally aggressive.

I think this is an anger management issue, so do consider this type of 'counselling' for your son. You were clearly very upset by all this, but try to see things as the truly are and don't make excuses for his behaviour. Dropping milk cartons on the floor with the intention of leaving them for you to pick up is not 'hygienic' behaviour, it is either deliberately provocative or he couldn't care less.