DD huge family take priority

janerowena As a mother of only sons, please do not feel sorry for me!

Both sons and daughters-in-law are kind and thoughtful and I'm very content with that. We all live in other countries from one another. Perhaps it is this independent living that engenders the respect and love we all have for one another. I'm not able to be with my grandchildren very often, but we all communicate by various means often.

Sorry you're getting a pretty crappy deal shore

I think it all depends on the age of the baby if i'm being honest and how your DIL is coping.
If your DGD is still 2/3ish months then it's all still pretty new. Do you know if she had a good birth? She might still be bleeding or having trouble BF or even have PND.

My mom was at my house everyday when i had my 2 dds purely because i felt crap and looked even worse and i was alot more comfortable with her than my MIL. That was it really, i just needed my mom.

However. If your DGC is abit older or the whole of your DILs family is there alot then its abit rubbish. Why dont you invite them to yours for dinner? Or for a meal?

If its still early days then don't pressure, it gets easier

I am the mother of 2 girls. One of my daughters has always seemed to favour her MIL. This has happened twice. It is always me who has to sort out her financial messes and I am the one taking her or one of her kids to hospital at all hours of the night. Her current MIL sees so much more of the grandchildren but never actually does anything useful. In fact I have doubts about how all the injuries seem to happen when she is around. This daughter is the worker of the house. The SIL does not work at all. Meanwhile my daughter is working nearly 100 hours per week doing 7 nightshifts (5 nights of 12 hours and 2 of 16 hours) When she gets home fromt he night shift SHE takes one of the childen to nursery while HE sits there doing nothing much. They moved to a flat about 3 miles away in March I have never been there. They are storing some of their excess goods at one of my flats which can not be rented out just now due to all this storage. SIL will never win prizes as house husband of the year. When I used to babysit sometimes I would be faced with a sink full of every dish they own. When I came into some money I said I would give my daughter a certain amount TOWARDS a car. SIL was on the phone to me telling me about cars at 3 times the amount I mentioned. His family put nothing to the car costs. They are in temporary accomodation because he thought he could get the council to rehouse them by not paying the rent.
The current situation is that the first MIL took the elder kids from her and then caused havoc and distress to a child who was nearly killed by her son and now she wants rid of that child (13). The second MIL may well be left to get on with the grandkids because I have politely mentioned the situation and how it causes bother not just to me but to others family members but she is not getting the situation.
I did come into some money and I now have to decide what I am going to do. Do I stay here where I hate or do I move to where I prefer t live. It is not as if I need to stay here to babysit or see my grandkids. I am not interested in a SIL who thinks I am some sort of walking Bank. There is the other daughter. Her partner was OK with me having their house keys while they were on holiday. I made the same offer of money TOWARDS a car for that daughter too. That SIL did not say a word about money. That daughter has calculated how she will repay the money I put up. She does not want to take from me.
Maybe if I move away the second daughter will move too. That SIL does not have much connection with his family. I worry about the daughter doing all those hours to keep a fat lazy man who does nothing. I wonder how his mother feels about her son depending on my daughter. I hope she is thoroughly ashamed.
These children of ours need to think about the consequences of not treating the grandparents as equally as possible!
Sugarpufffairy

Ffinnochio then you have given me hope, I dread the thought of my son not bothering to contact me, but it does seem pretty common.

This is an interesting thread for me just now.
At this moment I am in a large family crisis because of my DIL's mother causing loads of trouble because of my son and his wife who are splitting up.
I n the majority of cases it seems that the mothers of sons have to take second place when grandchildren arrive.
My scenario is the opposite.I have two sons, no daughters.My DS1 is single with no children, DS2 has been married twice, he has three children from first marriage and two from his second.His first MIL and I had no problems, we had equal share of seeing our mutual grandchildren and when this marriage broke up other grandma never caused any problems.
His second MIL is a different story. DS2, his second wife and their children have lived with me and DH since birth of their first child a boy now 13.Their daughter is 11. Reason being they could not afford a house.They were both working at low paid jobs and I provided the childcare, her mother was just not interested.She and her partner once collected DGS from nursery then never again as her partner did not like driving in heavy traffic!.
My son is no angel, he is now unemployed, content to let his wife work part time and now things have come to a head over his unemployment and she told him she was leaving.
At first she was going into temporary accomodation and leave the children here with their father until council allocated a house all well and good.No offer from her mother to take she and the children in.
Then she and DS had some shouting match and she left saying she was staying a friend's. Then her mother came onto the phone and demanded the children be removed from their awful father and she was taking them and the children in.She turned up in the street made alot of shouting and put the children into the car. Later I found she had taken them and DIL to her other daughter's.Later that day DIL found temporary accomodation with the children and now her mother is accusing my son of putting his wife and children onto the street!.
The children seem happy which is the main thing, they visit my son and DH and I dailythe place they are living in is clean and modern-council owned.She has promise of a house soon.
I wish they were back together might happen when DIL gets a house but my DS needs to pull his socks up.I have spoken to him about this crisis and feel he is to blame, but the actions of his MIL are beyond words.The children would still be here had she not stuck her oar in.I would not mind at all if they had gone to her house but feel pigs would fly sooner.
It goes without saying that the other grandmother and I are no longer on speaking terms. Marriage breakups involving children are horrible

You must feel very insulted.

Thank you to all. Keeping mouth zipped is sensible advice. I don't rake up the past or generally hold grudges but just sometimes, like you all say, it does hurt a lot,

Or maybe we shd 'campaign' for son's mothers to be given some respect and not excluded, inadvertently or not. I suggest this because yesterday DIL's dad asked us what we thought of now 3 mknth old grandaughter's curly hair. I said we hadn't seen it so he said 'pop round'. I said calmly we had been told we could when we were given a one hour visiting slot, like a health visitor. He was appalled and his wife looked a bit shifty as they regularly pop in and out whenever they and dIL's family pass the house, and we have only had 5 one hour slots in the past 3 months. I only ever coo, never criticise and have said call if you want us, pop round if you want to etc. But they can't be bothered, even though I gave them my car as DIL couldn't get into their two door hatch when pregnant.
Time for us son-grans to request consideration!??

Sometimes it's not just the sons who don't get consideration. I have a daughter and everyone takes priority over us.

I do feel for all of those MILs in this sorry situation. I can understand why a woman might cling to her own mother a bit at first, but not to understand the needs of her MIL as time goes by is a huge shame - both she and the children will miss out.

But I do think the advice to zip the lip and take it on the chin is wise.

I only have DDs, but they all include their in-laws in their family and its activities and have done so right from the start. I feel quite proud of them for that - even though on very rare occasions I might feel marginally put out as one set is much nearer the in-laws than us, so they see more of them. It can work both ways!!!

Mothers of sons getting a raw deal? 'Twas ever thus.

I agree with Hunt it has always been so I'm afraid, and I've probably been guilty of it when my own children were small. Its human nature to be more comfortable with ones own family around and takes good will and understanding to include ones partners family as much as your own, some people are better at it than others. It also requires understanding on the part of all family members.

I've mentioned this before but not [I think] on this thread. Sometimes the more we do to help them the more they [inwardly] resent it as they feel they should be more self sufficient and feel more at ease with people that don't help so much. Families are so unbelieveably complicated [at least mine is ]. I think I've learned to let it wash over me now and be grateful for what I have, but it's taken a while to reach this state of Nirvana......

Is she a SAHM?
Do you have a close..or even a relationship with her?

For example. I'm a SAHM, my DH works full time. When my mom is off work, i see her and that goes for my dad and nan too. I see them about 4/5 times a week, sometimes more.

I never had a relationship with my MIL, not even what i'd call friends..i didn't like her and i wouldn't choose to spend time with her without DH. Obviously, i smiled and spoke to her but we just didn't gel.

She never would of as it involves effort on her part..but if she just 'popped in' it'd be weird. Theres just nothing there. I'd be awkward! If DH was there it would different.

If my DH was SAHD i wouldn't expect him to spend time with my parents if he didn't like them. I'd just take DD to see them when i was off.

If your DGC wasn't born..would you just see her? On her own? Just the 2 of you?

I allways asked DH to take DD to see his mom for an afteroon if/when he finished early and i'd the ironing or eat cake..

Could you try and sugest that?

Btw this was once a week. She allways saw her once a week when she didn't cancel

Couldn't you just make more of an effort with your m-i-l ReadheadedMommy?

Young women can be very selfish and lacking in empathy.

OhGod! I didn't mean you Redeaded!

I was abit confused then! Haha

Oh i have. Believe me. There's only so much 1 person can do though
Ive posted about my MIL on gransnet just looking for advice...just incase i was missing something.
But no. Sadly its her. She is 'Toxic'.

I'm not saying the OP is btw! Just defending myself.

I think its your son that needs to step up tbh Op x

Aswell. It was US that was taking DD to see MIL at a time and day that was allways best for her. DH would decline over time, i would change plans..then she would just cancel for silly reasons. She picked up and dropped my DD whenever she felt like it. Promise things then break them. All to a 3 year old.
It went on for years untill the birth of DD2 and she was just horrible..

So yeah..went abit off there! Sorry!

All this seems to prove the very old saying:

A daughter's a daughter all your life,
A son is a son 'till he takes a wife.

I hate that saying Gracesgran. It always seems like a self fulfilling prophecy. I accept that the relationship with sons is different to that with daughters, but a lot of that comes down to personality as well as gender. It is important to make a friend of the DIL if at all possible, but to accept that she will naturally be closer to her own mother. There's no point trying to compete, just nurture the relationship with DIL and son.

And with daughters as well as sons, if in doubt, keep your mouth firmly shut! (I don't always manage that one)

I didn't say I liked it nightowl or even that it's true in my case, but there seemed to be a lot of thoughts along those lines.

Gracesgran

Or should I say

I also don't agree.
My DH couldn't do enough for his mum when DD was born. We both couldn't. Bending over backwards springs to mind...but wasn't good enough.
Everything was about her, even when i was labour with DD2.

It's all about give and take aswell as respect.
I know a few mums who wasn't close to their MILS and made feel like ovens when their DCs was born.
If you have a friendship with her, then she will want to see you, meet up, have a coffee etc... Not as a 2nd daughter but as a friend.
If a friend has been in hospital for an operation you are kind and thoughtfull.
You don't allways get that after the birth of a baby.

If there's a frosty relationship there..its still there after the baby is born.

If a DIL and MIL don't see eye to eye then that's ok. Its the sons responserbility to keep it fair. To take or arrange days with his mum so she can see the DGC.

Ops son isnt doing that and he should.
He doesn't have to choose.
5 hours in 3 months isn't ok and it isn't fair on you OP
Talk to your son and try and make him see you miss him!

Good Luck! X