DD huge family take priority

thank you! i have told him, and also said I don't expect equal,time. He just gets dismissive and very angry...all by text as they haven't time even to ring. I know they have to adjust as new parents. Their offer of half an hour tomorrow was withdrawn when I said I was 200 miles down the M1 having not held much hope of them having time to see me. The alternative hakf hour agreed for Monday a.m was also dropped by then, son cos he had work at 10.30. I offered to sit and coo unsupervised for a bit anytime before then and they retorted that DIL would be going out at 10.30.
Do I let her parents know when they ask me about the baby that I'm basically not given the chance to see her for even an hour? (theynpop in any time and always have hours with her on sundays.)

Did you have an arranged time to see them tomorrow and you canceled?
Did i read that right?

I wouldn't talk about it with her parents. It doesn't have anything to do with them.
Talk to your son and just say you feel like a spare part, that you don't expect daily visits but once a week for an hour or 2 would be lovely.

Or do you mean they rang you out of the blue?

If her parents speak to you about the baby, then definitely tell them the truth. That you are not given any time to see GC. Perhaps they will be flabbergasted and have a word with her.

It's worth a try anyway.

I have the same thing with my DS and his wife. It is different with my daughter - but to be honest, I think I also favoured my own family over my in laws when my children were little.
I think DiLs are more comfortable with their own parents rather than in laws,..and usually, the woman gets her own way?

TBH don't find that DIL's favour their parents over in-laws. I had great support and help from my MIL and my DIL and I get on well, she only sees her parents a couple of times a year. A relationship is a two way street and has to be worked at.

When my s first came round with our d.i.l. (who wasn't our d.i.l. at the time), it took her a while to relax and be comfortable with us. We are a very demonstrative family and she had a very difficult rel. with her own parents.

As time went by we became close (or so I thought). Due to a huge fall out with her parents, they married abroad; my DH and I were the only guests. I went on her hen night. She wished I'd been her mum. We would talk, laugh and hug one another; it was wonderful.

Then she became pregnant and things changed. Once our gc was born, the very next day, she began to cool. They live just a 2 minute walk down the road. If we popped in (which we rarely did) we were wrong. If we didn't it was because we weren't interested. When we tried to make arrangements times, dates etc. these became increasingly difficult to arrange.

I was supposed to help out with child care when she went back to work. When they moved to our village just before they were married my s said it was so they could have free child care when the time came.

I kept asking her when we were going shopping together for the things I would need to care for our gc in our home but no arrangements were ever made. So, as the time was nearing I bought the things in my self. When I told them what had been bought I caught the look that passed between them.

So, with four hundred pounds worth of baby equipment in the house I waited for the 2 days a week child care to begin. Then I got a 'phone call from her, telling me that as she had a new job and would only be working 3 days a week, our gc would go a a childminder for 2 days and our s had arranged to consolidate his work into 4 days so he could have his child one day a week. Why? bec. I hadn't spent enough time with our gc and he didn't really know me. Also, they wanted "stress free and reliable child care".

False accusations from them ensued and the rel. began to deteriorate. We saw very little of our gc and now have no contact at all. It will be 2 years at the end of this month, when our gc was 8 months old; we haven't had any contact with him; no hugs, no cuddles, nothing.

Cards we send to our gc are returned along with cruel and vindictive letters from our s. The emails he has sent beggar belief. This isn't about a d.i.l. favoring her own parents/family over her in laws, although she has 'made up' with her own parents now. This isn't about us being over baring, critical or not 'biting our tongues'.

This is about a young woman who, from the moment she was welcomed in to our family was loved and supported emotionally, practically and financially and then decided she just didn't want us any more, and certainly didn't want us to have a relationship with her child.

This is about a man who having been loved and cared for emotionally, practically and financially for 27 years decided to cut his parents out of his life and take away from them their only gc.

Hard to believe I know, but even harder to have to live with.

Smileless

Why did your son go along with her behaviour?

I'm not sure if I saw this on Gransnet but it resonated with me...
What is the difference between In Laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are 'wanted!'
DH and I do see DGS and babysit (when he is in bed!) but we come a long, long way after DIL's parents, friends, neighbours, old Uncle Tom Cobley 'an all. DIL's parents don't babysit as they 'live too far away' but that doesn't stop them having whole days visits thrice weekly we are lucky if we get to see him for an hour and then we have to just 'look' and not touch. Certainly we can't interact with him. B****y ridiculous as she leaves us 'in charge' when we babysit! Def a touch of control freak.
Always got on very well with DIL until DGS was about six months old and she 'turned'. DS hasn't a clue why (I believe him - and he agrees we all had a good relationship) and, although DIL is 'cordial' - which is a vast improvement on past few months, I'm pretty sure that she would rather disconnect from us but we are a necessary evil I think. It's hurtful but we just keep a low profile, visit and babysit when asked. Get distinct impression we are being used, but what do you do? Hate having to keep all these feelings inside so good to come on here for a bit of a rant. By the by, I have had an excellent relationship with my MIL for over 40 years, but then I have always accepted her for who she is, rather than expect her to behave in a certain way. She adores my DH and I'm very happy about that, it's the way it should be and the glue that binds our little family together. Hope that doesn't sound too smarmy...

I've absolutely no idea jinglbellsfrocks. Maybe she made him chose; her and their son or us.

Your relationship with your m.i.l. sounds lovely louisamay. My relationship with my m.i.l. has not been easy over the last 34 years but I would never have expected my DH to stop seeing her or have prevented her from seeing our children. Despite our past problems, we get on well now. Until she became pregnant, I wasn't aware there were any problems with our d.i.l. but OMG there was no mistaking their existence following the birth.

The day after, when we were going to the hospital to see our gc for the very first time, there was an atmosphere bec. she'd invited her friend to be there tooand our s had asked the friend not to go.

When we arrived our s told us the friend wasn't going to be there "so let's all be happy and smiling".

What little contact we were having with our gc sounds very similar to yours; look but don't touch. I could feel her icy glare when ever I cuddled or kissed him. She made my DH feel so uncomfortable that he wouldn't hold our gc when she was in the same room.

I understand how difficult this situation is for you louisamay, having to keep your feelings to your self and your emotions in check but at least you're seeing your little GD so get what joy you can and hopefully in time, things will improve

PS Thanks for all those lovely symbols Yogagirlxxx

good advice. zyhank you all.

redheaded,ommy..they didn't text a time just vague 'later in the week may be'.
Having waited in vain as usual for a time, this time we thought we'd go away. Had they texted a time and day we would have tunred round. They didn't.
Instead DIL put very nasty note through our door. Son came round 10 days later with gd for an hour. civil time and we just admired gd as we always have done, biting lip as ever. He said vaguely that he might pop in sometime but no texts etc.

Told by DIL not to emwil, ring or txt . she clearly reads his so now feel pig in middle. Am willing to put her nasty txts ( to which imdon't reply) down to hormones and first go at motherhood. Am not going to tolerate being written to like as i was sth she had trodden in, esp as have been warm, welcoming and v generous for years towards her, and nice to her family....sth she now says was usntrying to buy friendship. So takign them out for a meal will be rebuffed as a bribe. don't know what they want from us. Husband is disgusted and found DIl letter deeply insulting.

So they expect you to keep the whole week free just incase
Thats awful.

I wish i could offer some advice
You cant seem to win whatever you do!

Maybe you should have brought him up with a little more backbone. And common decency.

Interesting point jinglbellsfrocks. We brought our son's up with plenty of backbone and common decency, unfortunately the one we are now estranged from has lost both of these attributes and several others including decency and morality. He's acquired some new ones though; the ability to lie, betray and blame others for his own failings.

There must have been a point when it went wrong. Try to think back to what happened and why. Y ou need to get to the bottom of it before you can start sorting it out. (I know you're not shoreham55)

Thanks redheadedMommy for the empathy. At least I know I'm not crazy to feel like I do. S is lovely to his d which is good to see. DIl hasn't shown her face and I'm not sure I want to c her while she's on a superb--ch kick and taking gd with s for a week abroad - to a place we'd suggested as a joint family new year treat with her parents before Xmas. Am ignoring this and just told s I wish them a very nice time.
Jimglebellfrocks...he was brought up with backbone and decency and normally exhibited those qualities but needs to get real, for hus own sake. Life is not the Emmerdale script of her fantasy...ooh that's mean of me.

I wish there was an answer to all this. Some of the problems described echo our own situation and we share the sadness it causes. Thank goodness for Gransnet.

Sorry to hear that, papao.

sorry to hear that. The inevitable dominance of the DIL family need not be an issue as long as there's a bit of fairness. Can't help but think that the bthe parents/ mums of the dils could be less selfish and make room for their sils to share and allow bonding of his offspring with his parents too. it's the gc who lose out in the longer run after all.

Is marginalisation of MIL's by DIL's something that is peculiar to the younger generation? When I married DH forty years ago my in laws were an integral part of my life. When my first child came along they were newly retired, and would ring and ask if they if they could come over. Rarely did I need to turn them down. We also went to see them every Sunday. We still see my MIL every weekend (my dear FIL passed away four years ago).
Yes, there were 'bumps' along the way but they passed. I have always loved and respected my in laws - maybe I have just been lucky with them.
Sadly it's a changing world and reading some of the posts on Gransnet (including my own!) there are many young mums out there who are very immature and selfish and YES I do understand there are two sides to every story, but doing some research on the Internet, it almost seems to be the norm for a DIL to sideline her in laws.

Thanks but may be it's time for DILs' own mothers to be less selfish hogging grandchildren and, in effect, their SILs? a bit of consideration on their part would reduce so much anxiety/ tension/resentment/misunderstanding

Shoreham55 have things improved at all?

It has nothing to do with the other MIL when it comes to you seeing your DGC.
Unless you have got a really bad relationship with your son, or you have been nasty and horrible to your son or DIL there is no reason why you're getting such a crappy deal.

My mum and dad had an arrangement.

My dad took us girls to visit his parents every Saturday afternoon, without fail. My mum never went with us. We saw our maternal grandparents almost every day. We all lived in the same small town, and when we were old enough, we went visiting by ourselves.

Why don't you suggest a similar arrangement to your DS. This would also give your DiL some time to spend by herself. Goodness knows,I loved the free time I had when DH took the children out for the afternoon.