DD huge family take priority

Sometimes it's not just the sons who don't get consideration. I have a daughter and everyone takes priority over us.

Or maybe we shd 'campaign' for son's mothers to be given some respect and not excluded, inadvertently or not. I suggest this because yesterday DIL's dad asked us what we thought of now 3 mknth old grandaughter's curly hair. I said we hadn't seen it so he said 'pop round'. I said calmly we had been told we could when we were given a one hour visiting slot, like a health visitor. He was appalled and his wife looked a bit shifty as they regularly pop in and out whenever they and dIL's family pass the house, and we have only had 5 one hour slots in the past 3 months. I only ever coo, never criticise and have said call if you want us, pop round if you want to etc. But they can't be bothered, even though I gave them my car as DIL couldn't get into their two door hatch when pregnant.
Time for us son-grans to request consideration!??

Thank you to all. Keeping mouth zipped is sensible advice. I don't rake up the past or generally hold grudges but just sometimes, like you all say, it does hurt a lot,

You must feel very insulted.

This is an interesting thread for me just now.
At this moment I am in a large family crisis because of my DIL's mother causing loads of trouble because of my son and his wife who are splitting up.
I n the majority of cases it seems that the mothers of sons have to take second place when grandchildren arrive.
My scenario is the opposite.I have two sons, no daughters.My DS1 is single with no children, DS2 has been married twice, he has three children from first marriage and two from his second.His first MIL and I had no problems, we had equal share of seeing our mutual grandchildren and when this marriage broke up other grandma never caused any problems.
His second MIL is a different story. DS2, his second wife and their children have lived with me and DH since birth of their first child a boy now 13.Their daughter is 11. Reason being they could not afford a house.They were both working at low paid jobs and I provided the childcare, her mother was just not interested.She and her partner once collected DGS from nursery then never again as her partner did not like driving in heavy traffic!.
My son is no angel, he is now unemployed, content to let his wife work part time and now things have come to a head over his unemployment and she told him she was leaving.
At first she was going into temporary accomodation and leave the children here with their father until council allocated a house all well and good.No offer from her mother to take she and the children in.
Then she and DS had some shouting match and she left saying she was staying a friend's. Then her mother came onto the phone and demanded the children be removed from their awful father and she was taking them and the children in.She turned up in the street made alot of shouting and put the children into the car. Later I found she had taken them and DIL to her other daughter's.Later that day DIL found temporary accomodation with the children and now her mother is accusing my son of putting his wife and children onto the street!.
The children seem happy which is the main thing, they visit my son and DH and I dailythe place they are living in is clean and modern-council owned.She has promise of a house soon.
I wish they were back together might happen when DIL gets a house but my DS needs to pull his socks up.I have spoken to him about this crisis and feel he is to blame, but the actions of his MIL are beyond words.The children would still be here had she not stuck her oar in.I would not mind at all if they had gone to her house but feel pigs would fly sooner.
It goes without saying that the other grandmother and I are no longer on speaking terms. Marriage breakups involving children are horrible

Ffinnochio then you have given me hope, I dread the thought of my son not bothering to contact me, but it does seem pretty common.

I am the mother of 2 girls. One of my daughters has always seemed to favour her MIL. This has happened twice. It is always me who has to sort out her financial messes and I am the one taking her or one of her kids to hospital at all hours of the night. Her current MIL sees so much more of the grandchildren but never actually does anything useful. In fact I have doubts about how all the injuries seem to happen when she is around. This daughter is the worker of the house. The SIL does not work at all. Meanwhile my daughter is working nearly 100 hours per week doing 7 nightshifts (5 nights of 12 hours and 2 of 16 hours) When she gets home fromt he night shift SHE takes one of the childen to nursery while HE sits there doing nothing much. They moved to a flat about 3 miles away in March I have never been there. They are storing some of their excess goods at one of my flats which can not be rented out just now due to all this storage. SIL will never win prizes as house husband of the year. When I used to babysit sometimes I would be faced with a sink full of every dish they own. When I came into some money I said I would give my daughter a certain amount TOWARDS a car. SIL was on the phone to me telling me about cars at 3 times the amount I mentioned. His family put nothing to the car costs. They are in temporary accomodation because he thought he could get the council to rehouse them by not paying the rent.
The current situation is that the first MIL took the elder kids from her and then caused havoc and distress to a child who was nearly killed by her son and now she wants rid of that child (13). The second MIL may well be left to get on with the grandkids because I have politely mentioned the situation and how it causes bother not just to me but to others family members but she is not getting the situation.
I did come into some money and I now have to decide what I am going to do. Do I stay here where I hate or do I move to where I prefer t live. It is not as if I need to stay here to babysit or see my grandkids. I am not interested in a SIL who thinks I am some sort of walking Bank. There is the other daughter. Her partner was OK with me having their house keys while they were on holiday. I made the same offer of money TOWARDS a car for that daughter too. That SIL did not say a word about money. That daughter has calculated how she will repay the money I put up. She does not want to take from me.
Maybe if I move away the second daughter will move too. That SIL does not have much connection with his family. I worry about the daughter doing all those hours to keep a fat lazy man who does nothing. I wonder how his mother feels about her son depending on my daughter. I hope she is thoroughly ashamed.
These children of ours need to think about the consequences of not treating the grandparents as equally as possible!
Sugarpufffairy

Sorry you're getting a pretty crappy deal shore

I think it all depends on the age of the baby if i'm being honest and how your DIL is coping.
If your DGD is still 2/3ish months then it's all still pretty new. Do you know if she had a good birth? She might still be bleeding or having trouble BF or even have PND.

My mom was at my house everyday when i had my 2 dds purely because i felt crap and looked even worse and i was alot more comfortable with her than my MIL. That was it really, i just needed my mom.

However. If your DGC is abit older or the whole of your DILs family is there alot then its abit rubbish. Why dont you invite them to yours for dinner? Or for a meal?

If its still early days then don't pressure, it gets easier

janerowena As a mother of only sons, please do not feel sorry for me!

Both sons and daughters-in-law are kind and thoughtful and I'm very content with that. We all live in other countries from one another. Perhaps it is this independent living that engenders the respect and love we all have for one another. I'm not able to be with my grandchildren very often, but we all communicate by various means often.

We have been very fortunate that our son was the stay at home carer for 8years so when he needed help we were his default call and if he needed some adult company he would come over to us for coffee. We know we have seen far more of the grand children than we would have done had he not been the one to stay home.

No, don't, I feel for DBH if the children are late with their gifts for him. A call or email or something with a 'sorry but' would help.

Oh even more shame on me my son has just turned up with two shirts for his dad and 2 tickets for them both to go on a days driving experience bought by my DiL for Father's Day. He apologised for being so late. Oh I do feel bad.

Like you, Ariadne, I am lucky with my DsiL. I have a friendly relationship with both of them. They are great mums and would never even consider keeping me at arm's length. My late MiL could talk for England. All anyone needed to do was nod and smile and say yes and no as necessary. In hindsight I think she was a little overawed by me , though I never shut her out in any way. I think if we had lived closer, though, she might have become irritating! My tact could have been challenged.

It was. You never know what could rub off on them. I only once stepped out of line, with my own daughter, and that was enough to make me realise the damage that could be done with a prospective DiL. Small GS was lingering by a toy shelf in Boots and we were rapidly losing the rest of the family, so I tried to drag him bodily away. Cue screams. DD went mad, and said that all I had needed to do was explain that I didn't have enough money to pay for it! So I suspect that any future DiL relationships (if ever) will involve a question asked on how to proceed before every single move I make!

My in-laws were weird to the point of complete eccentricity! MIL was not interested in children - her mind was on higher academic things! FIL obviously thought I was nuts, so he just washed by me - his fascist rantings were best blocked out! They certainly weren't fighting to have the children - perhaps that was a good thing!

Rant away Ariadne! - it sounds as though you have had decades of biting your tongue - it must be very sore by now!!

I have been very, very lucky with my two Ds-i-L and their families. But I do remember how difficult was my relationship with me MiL; she never forgave me a) for getting pregnant (b for marrying him c) for being, as she saw it, from a lower class. Every other word was a sneer. When DSiL got married - "She is doing it properly, of course." (She had discovered the pill...)

They lived in Germany, and did make the effort to come over regularly, only for her to express surprise at how lovely and well behaved the DC were. we couldn't afford to go over often, because of course we "hadn't made the best start in life."

I am, however, very glad that I never said anything, just bit my lip. My goodness, what a rant.

I agree with Eloethan and others who, while they understand how you feel, advise that 'least said, soonest mended'.

When the first baby arrives it is often a difficult time for someone in the wider family. Grandmothers rarely have equal involvement for one reason or another. Jealousy and rivalry lurk in the wings and it is a challenge to deal with them (just when we thought we were really grown up, these powerful unpleasant feelings rear their heads, dammit and we have to learn to cope with them)

Some young couples are mature enough and considerate enough to be even handed between his and her parents. But the week they become parents they are probably still going to be focussed on the baby and not on keeping everyone else happy.

DH and I must have been brilliant parents as all three of our daughters are very considerate of their in laws but with varying degrees of success! DD3's Mil does like to have the children but only between noon and 4 as she 'does' things in the morning and 'puts the oven on' at 4pm!

DS1 does not have children and DS2 has stepchildren who had a well established relationship with their DGP before they came into our lives!

I would recommend keeping your own counsel and being available when needed!

shoreham (and kiora) It sounds very unfair to me and I think I would resent it too. As has been said, though, it is probably better to say nothing than to have an argument that may well make things even worse.

All these posts do make me feel very sorry for women with only sons. I know my daughter is far better at remembering my feelings than my son will ever be, although I know he loves me. I spend a fair amount of time nowadays saying things like 'when you find someone special to live with, you must offer to make them a drink at the same time that you make one for themself', and today wishing that I and other mothers had thought to train daughters up to be more considerate of the partner's mother. Although mine is, actually. Her MiL is brilliant. If I lived nearby we would probably go out together and my daughter would feel left out.

Many of us on here who have married sons can recognise much of what is being posted. There are many times when we feel really hurt, DH too. It starts right from the wedding doesn't it. Note the advert on the right hand side of Gransnet, Outfits for the mother of the bride (and as an after though in brackets) the groom's mother! Haven't really a chip on my shoulder but it looks as if it I am not alone. I do hear weekly from our sons.

Not quite the same thing I know but son lives at the other end of the country with his wife and new twins. My Dil has a very close family who are all.rallying around to help and I know it will be much needed. Even before the babies were born I have felt that I have lost my son to his new family I do remind myself that I would have hated to of felt that he was not wecomed but it is still hard. Not his fault, he sends lots of photo,s and calls regularly. Still we are looking forward tio visting in a few weeks.

I wonder if they will be quick to call for help if the others are not available? it has to work both ways. They should keep you sweet in case, I think.

Kiora, sorry to hear that you weren't invited out yesterday. DIL lost her father last year so they came to us yesterday, with her DM as well, and I hope they enjoyed themselves. Always a bit poignant, the first significant dates in the year after a loss.

Perhaps they should be gently reminded that we won't be around for ever? Don't want to sound morbid but it's true.