Gransnet forums


'Expected' to contribute to DGS Christening

(125 Posts)
louisamay Thu 29-Jan-15 11:11:20

Our DGS is being christened in May and there will be approximately 100 guests for the christening party afterwards. DIL has decided to hire a marquee and employ outside caterers to do the food. She has informed me the total cost of the christening will be in the region of £1700. She then asked DH and me how much we'd like to contribute. Bearing in mind that we are on a fixed income, apart from myself and DH no-one else from DS' family have been invited (most of the guests are DIL's parents friends!) and we were never asked for any input (apart from financial) what can I say? My DS says as its his child he is paying, but every time I see DIL by herself she continues to ask! I think it's a bl**dy cheek to ASK for money as she went ahead and organised it without even consulting us and now asks for a contribution.
Apparently her parents are paying for the drinks. My personal feelings are that the whole meaning of the christening is lost here and there is more concern about the 'bash' afterwards. Interested in others viewpoints. Is it actually 'expected' that grandparents should contribute to a christening ? By the way, none of us are churchgoers..

GrannyTwice Thu 29-Jan-15 11:15:30

You know YANBU. Just continue saying no.

granjura Thu 29-Jan-15 11:17:52

Nearly posted the 3 letters beginning with WT*? Really!

And as you say, none of you Church goers (or perhaps believers). Doh.
I imagine most sincere believers would prefer a small party with people who believe the same for this special day.

How difficult for you. Last thing you want is for her to use this to 'separate' you from son and GS later. Perhaps offer to pay for the cake?

(but grrrrrrr I'd be fuming too).

janeainsworth Thu 29-Jan-15 11:22:18

None of my DGCs have been christened Louisa, so the problem hasn't arisen.
But I think it's thoughtless of your DiL.
Perhaps to avoid giving your DiL a stick to beat you with, you could give a gift of whatever sum you could easily manage, but say you'd prefer it to be put into a savings account for your grandchild.
Incidentally the major cost of this do will be the marquee hire and the food. Drinks cost comparatively little, most people don't drink that much because of drink-driving law and other considerations, so it's probably not going to cost DiL's parents more than £150 to provide the drinks, particularly if they are buying the actual drink, rather than drafting someone in to run a bar at commercial rates.

aggie Thu 29-Jan-15 11:23:30

I can never understand why non believers have to have a Christening . My lot were brought up in the Church and have fancy Christening parties , but I have never been asked to pay .......... I do provide the Cake , that's all . Just one DD was honest enough not to get her children Baptised and declined to be a Godmother , she says she is Fairygodmother to one special child .

loopylou Thu 29-Jan-15 11:27:56

They chose to have a big show, they pay, simples!
If you're the only ones invited from your side then let DiL's parent pay, it's allbtheir friends and family who will be attending, so not my idea of a christening more like a second wedding. Sounds like your son is on your side, perhaps he could tell her to 'back off'.
Flipping cheek!

tanith Thu 29-Jan-15 11:32:17

My newest Grandson was christened , his Mum and her family are Catholic so it was important to her, they kindly arranged it at short notice when they knew I would be visiting (they live abroad) so that I could take part.. the question of paying for anything was never raised and honestly I never gave it a thought.. I bought little Grandson a gift and that was it...

I think your Dil has a cheek to keep asking , I wonder if DS knows that she is doing that... anyway stand firm and say no..

soontobe Thu 29-Jan-15 11:38:11

Oh dear.
At least your DS is being reasonable.

I would pay something you and DH are comfortable with paying.
I suspect that whatever it is, your DIL may not be happy so I wouldnt try to go the extra mile to please her.

NotTooOld Thu 29-Jan-15 11:55:53

You are right to feel disgruntled, Lousiamay, but in the interests of maintaining family harmony I would offer to provide something, perhaps the cake, although a cake for 100 people would be quite costly. Personally I hate these big 'do's' that people go in for these days. A small family gathering is really more appropriate for a christening, surely. Still, you won't be able to influence your DiL so you will have to go with the flow, I'm afraid. Don't let her play you off against her own parents but, on the other hand you don't want to fall out with them, it's not worth it. Perhaps an affordable cash donation would be the best way out?

Agus Thu 29-Jan-15 12:03:52

I can well imagine what you would like to say to her louisamay along the lines of why the hell are you doing this if you can't afford it? For starters.

I would ask your DS to make it very clear to her that she has to stop harassing his Mother if she is not taking no for an answer from you. How dare she put you in this position.

For your sake, I hope this is all settled amicably.

Mishap Thu 29-Jan-15 12:10:19

Well - DIL is clearly in the wrong here, but how to deal with it is the question. You do not want to alienate anyone.

It seems as though your son and DIL are out of step on this and maybe you could just say it is difficult for you to know what to do as you do not want to upset DIL or to insult son's wish to pay himself. If they do decide they would like to ask you for a contribution, I do not think it would be out of order to make the point that you would have felt more comfortable about this if you had been consulted before the event.

I have never heard of anyone having a lavish christening like this. One of my DDs chose to have her child christened and we went up to the village hall and had soup and sausages and a pleasant opportunity to catch up with close relatives who had come for the event.

janerowena Thu 29-Jan-15 12:18:09

Good heavens. I have never heard of such a thing. I did have big christenings for my children, and DD had fairly big ones for her two, but no-one would ever have been expected to pay anything!

Tell her that your contribution towards the christening is a premium bond to the sum of £** for your grandchild!

glammanana Thu 29-Jan-15 12:42:58

Just stick to your gun's louisa and have selective hearing when your DIL mention's it again, 100 guests are they all going to attend the service or just turn up for the free feast afterwards hmm we have always celebrated the special day at our Church with close family and God-parents followed by small celebration at the Church tea-room where I did the catering (but catering is my business).So no yanbu at all.

annodomini Thu 29-Jan-15 12:44:19

I am an atheist myself and neither my sons nor my GC have been baptised. I just wonder how much Christ enters into this christening!

granjura Thu 29-Jan-15 12:54:23

Isn't wonderful, and perhaps rare, when we all agree on GN, with one voice.

Elegran Thu 29-Jan-15 13:07:38

When DH was a boy, he saw something in a shop that he felt sure his father would have bought, had he been there, so he bought it himself and presented it, expecting to be repaid.

He wasn't. His father thanked him, but considered that as he was not consulted, and would not have chosen it, it was a gift.

janeainsworth Thu 29-Jan-15 13:08:02

We went to a few Chinese weddings when we lived in Hongkong.
The done thing was not to give a gift, but a sum of money inside a Lucky Red Packet.
Much more sensible - perhaps Louisa's DS and DiL could ask all the guests for a contribution, since she has no qualms about asking her in-laws.
We did go to a silver wedding party a few years ago and all the guests were asked to contribute to the hosts' children's education fund!

ginny Thu 29-Jan-15 13:09:07

NYANBU ! Your DIL is. Sounds like a good excuse for her to have a party.

KatyK Thu 29-Jan-15 13:11:22

What a cheek! I would be happy to contribute to whatever my DD was organising but I know she would never, ever ask. It would be us offering. The problem is you don't want this to cause a family split in any way so it's very difficult for you. Why does everything these days have to be so big and showy?

Anya Thu 29-Jan-15 13:11:34

Two of mine were Christened (I think was very low key and in one of these community churches with a lay vicar [?] - I'm not very au fait with religions)

We had sandwiches and a cake back at their house afterwards. I might have brought some nibbles but not sure.

I agree with everything said above.

KatyK Thu 29-Jan-15 13:13:52

My daughter wasn't christened but my granddaughter was. They had the church service and then back to my daughter's house for a little buffet and drinks. Very enjoyable.

Anne58 Thu 29-Jan-15 13:15:43

You said "My personal feelings are that the whole meaning of the christening is lost here and there is more concern about the 'bash' afterwards" and I think you are spot on!

I agree with you, it is a bloody cheek!

grannyactivist Thu 29-Jan-15 13:25:43

When my grandson was Christened last year (by his Christian parents in the church they attend) we were all expected by my daughter to contribute to the food and drink. The expectation however was not financial, just a matter of co-ordinating who was bringing what for the buffet. It's what we always do for family gatherings and it was a party in her own home with only family and Godparents attending.
Traditionally I have always bought the cake for family weddings and Christenings, so that was my contribution. I bought an M&S cake and decorated it myself. Simples.

hildajenniJ Thu 29-Jan-15 13:30:50

Both my DC were baptised and we had lunch for family afterwards. We would never have dreamed of asking for contributions from anyone. None of my DGC have been baptised as neither my Dd or SiL are believers. They are bringing their children up as pagans!
I think your DiL is wrong to ask for money. A Christening ought to focus on the baby being welcomed into the church family, not on a party.

kittylester Thu 29-Jan-15 13:37:20

Whenever there is a family 'do' we contribute a cake and a present. As someone said ^, a cake for that many would be fairly expensive but probably less than anything else. When I first offered to provide a cake, I hadn't banked on it being for every future event, but it's something I am comfortable with. In fact, as Dd3 has become the go to cake lady, I just buy the ingredients and let her do it!!