Gransnet forums


No one can warn you

(52 Posts)
GreatauntieLinda Sun 30-Aug-15 19:24:50

My darling husband of 44 years died about five weeks ago. He had been poorly for a number of years but no one got the message through to me just how poorly he was.

No one before he died nor just after could or did warn me of this horrible feeling I am going through. Why oh why can we not be prepared for this sense of emptiness. We had no children, our lives were we two. Now I look at his empty chair. I cannot explain how I feel. I just want my Bob back. But know this cannot be so.

How can anyone prepare for this nightmare.

annsixty Sun 30-Aug-15 19:37:12

We can't great auntL we have to cope with it when it happens or we would spend our lives looking over our shoulder and not enjoying life when we can. My sincere condolences to you and I hope things get better for you with time flowers

tanith Sun 30-Aug-15 19:48:23

I'm sorry you are feeling so lost Greatauntielinda my condolences to you.

What you are experiencing comes to all of us at some time in our lives its just part of life we all have to go through. Do you have friend you can talk to about Bob? It does help to talk about the person we've lost. I hope you find a way through your sorrow and remember there is always a friendly Gran or Grandad here to listen to you.

Marmight Sun 30-Aug-15 19:51:20

You may find some help in a dormant thread : type 'Going it Alone blog' in 'search forums'. There are some helpful posts and you will see that you are not alone. Also look at 'moving on after bereavement'.

Ana Sun 30-Aug-15 19:57:36

GreatauntieLinda, it's been just over a year since my DH died, and even though I still have my two wonderful DDs and a couple of grandchildren it continues to be a rough ride.

Strangely enough, I found the first few months flew by as there was so much paperwork and reorganisation to do - it's when you realise there is only you, on your own, in the house you both shared that it hits home.

You will get through this, but of course it won't be easy. flowers

Luckygirl Sun 30-Aug-15 20:13:34

So sorry that you have lost your husband. It is so hard and no-one can prepare you for it. There are many widows on this site who may be able to give you their opinions. CRUSE is worth a try as they understand what you are going through:

I do send many condolences and hope that you will find some support on here. flowers

POGS Sun 30-Aug-15 20:23:34


I cannot offer any wise words but like all the other GN'ers who will read your post I can feel your despair. flowers

Bellasnana Sun 30-Aug-15 20:43:11

Sincere condolences on your sad loss from me too. There are no words that can help, but many of us on here have gone through similar experiences, so we can empathize, at least. flowers

GreatauntieLinda Sun 30-Aug-15 21:33:53

Thank you everyone. Your words help me to feel less alone.

GreatauntieLinda Sun 30-Aug-15 21:34:57

Thank you Ana. You seem to know what I am going through. xx

Atqui Sun 30-Aug-15 22:04:30

So sorry Linda

Anya Sun 30-Aug-15 22:35:36

I can't begin to understand how sad and lonely you must be feeling.

kittylester Mon 31-Aug-15 07:14:15

Condolences GaLinda. Keep in touch with GN. flowers

Leticia Mon 31-Aug-15 07:31:33

So sorry. There is no way that you can prepare- it isn't something you can fully understand until you experience it. There is also no 'easy way' and nothing to 'make it better'- you just have to work through it.
You can't even know, minute by minute, how you will be and so there can't be any preparation. The thing that helped me was finding other people who were going through the same thing and they understood and we helped each other. Cruse is a good starting point.

PRINTMISS Mon 31-Aug-15 07:36:24

So sad for you GreatauntieLinda not much more anyone can say, just that it would seem all our thoughts are with you. Take care.

Sewsilver Mon 31-Aug-15 08:24:52

GreatauntieLinda, it is horrific! Almost two years on I still find life is often a struggle but it does get more bearable. I have found the Way Up site for widows and widowers over 50 to be of enormous benefit and support, knowing there were other people going through similar things made me feel less alone. My thoughts are with you.

KatyK Mon 31-Aug-15 09:49:06

So sorry [flowrs]

KatyK Mon 31-Aug-15 09:49:40

Should have been flowers

bikergran Mon 31-Aug-15 10:00:49

GreatauntiLinda welcome to GN , just so sorry it is with sadness with your post, as others have said, there are lovely Gnetters here just waiting to support you,they will be here for you all the time, some one will always be able to help you, whether its a little chat, a question, anything, and if they don't know they will go off and search for the answer, but most of all they are here for you.

(how do I know! because they were all there for me 13 mnths ago) flowers

Please do keep posting.

TyneAngel Mon 31-Aug-15 10:14:25

Hello GAN, just wanted to send you a big hug. It's 18months for me, and one of the hardest things I've found is that people want you to get over it as quickly as possible. Some of this is meant kindly,in that they don't like you to see you upset and can't do anything about it; some of it is selfish, in that some people want you to resume your place in their lives as before, not realising that you, and your life, are changed forever.

Take care of yourself, another big hug xxxx

henetha Mon 31-Aug-15 10:54:40

I am so sorry, GreatauntLinda. I feel for you, I really do. Hard to know what to say, except that you may not believe it now, but it does get easier. Eventually you learn to live alongside the grief.
But that is no comfort right now, I realise that. I do hope you have some loving friends to support you.

Worlass Mon 31-Aug-15 11:27:27

I'm so sorry, GreatauntLinda. I can empathise with you, as I also nursed my husband through several years of terminal illness, whilst always being convinced that he would recover. My chief consolation is that by being the surviving partner, I have spared him from the loneliness and desolation which is inevitable when a long and loving partnership comes to an end.
My thoughts are with you.

claireseptember Mon 31-Aug-15 11:39:29

Dearest GreatauntLinda,
Wish I could reach out and give you a great big sisterly hug. Sisterly because I have also been through this and as the writer Pat Barker said in the Guardian this weekend, this particular grief 'strips the flesh off your bones and that's the truth of it.'
There's no preparing for it and there's no quick fix either. Would you really want one when we're talking of the man who was the love of your life for over forty years (and still is)? You have to take baby steps and not expect too much of yourself in these early months. Accept whatever help you are given, food or outings, try not to get too upset at people's occasional ill judged but well-meant comments. Meeting or emailing other people in the same situation can be helpful. I spent many months with an online support group reached through and have made one or two good friends in that way. I also tried various hobbies, the list of ones I tried but didn't get on with is quite long and funny but a couple have 'stuck'. Try also to note and take pleasure in happy little daily moments, a bird on the feeder, a TV programme or series(dear old David Attenborough was one of my 'saviours'), a glass of wine, a posh bubble bath. None of these make your situation all right but they do distract you for a while to enable your poor old heart to not be so heavily squeezed. I would also advise you to try to be a good friend to your friends. Try to keep your best smile pasted on as much as possible. 'Fake it till you make it' was my motto and it more or less worked.
Bit by bit things do get better. We are stronger than we think. A good book to read is Kate Boydell's Grief and how to Survive, about the death of your partner. (Apologies if I've got the title slightly wrong, I've given my copy away).
It's been seven years for me now and I have a happy life. I still miss my husband (another Bob) very much but am no longer plagued by that heart-searing grief.
Sorry this is a long reply. I wish you strength and ,impossible as it may seem today, happiness. xx

annsixty Mon 31-Aug-15 12:15:26

That was a lovely post claireseptember and my very best wishes to you all who are in this situation.

Bamm Mon 31-Aug-15 12:35:41

So sorry to hear of your terrible loss GreatauntLinda. My husband died last October after 10 years of illness and it's just so awful I know. So many wise words from other Gransneters that I can't add any more really other than lots of love to you.