People who hold grudges

Incidentally it wasn't me who'd upset her!

I have an elderly aunt like that, she still moans about her mother, my grandmother, when she was a teenager!

As Shakespeare said they "nurture their wrath to keep it warm". All too common I'm afraid.

I am guilty of holding grudges Must try to be a better person.

I hold a grudge. I should ref-raise that, I didn't speak to my sister for the last 33 years of her life (she died last year) It depends on how far greedy, mean people push you.

KatyK...you are not alone KatyK I think a lot of us do (well I hope so or I am a nastier person than I thought). I think the difference is that although I might carry it around a bit....I do not really act upon it, or at least I hope not. I certainly do not bore others with it, it always sounds so trivial when said out loud!

I do know a person like this, as you say whenever he has a 'beef' about something he will then drag up every imagined sleight for the last 40 yrs and everyone just wants say GET OVER IT!!!

HildaW."It always sounds so trivial when said out loud" with me it's the opposite, people go, WHAT!!!!!!

I used to hold grudges until I realised the only person I was harming was myself. The people you hold grudges against are usually totally unaware of your feelings so are not affected.

I think it does depend on what caused the friction in the first place but on the whole I tend to try to remain cool but cordial - and forget about them!

I've tried holding grudges sometimes, tried being 'in a mood' with someone, just to let them see how much they've hurt me. But I just can't keep it up. I'm not going to lay claim to some marvellously sunny disposition, because I can be a proper old nag (DH would certainly testify to that ). But I blow up and then just as quickly cool down and get on with things. Always been the same, right from childhood.
Reckon that's why I just can't cope with people as described in the OP. I'm on your side Anya

I think there is a difference between holding a grudge, and not wanting to get rid of it.
And holding one, and having trouble trying to get over it.

I am trying to be different, I really am. I don't care if anyone upsets me, but if they upset someone in my family I don't cope very well. There is someone who was a bit horrible to my DH whilst he was undergoing cancer treatment. It was a while ago and should be long forgotten (DH couldn't care less) but every time I see this person I feel a Grrrr moment coming on. Cool but cordial is how I try to be sunseeker but inwardly fuming !

Actually KatyK, I can understand that completely. I might not be a natural grudge holder, but that sort of situation would be hard for me too.

Indinana Maybe it's not really a grudge. I suppose it's perfectly reasonable to be annoyed with someone like that. Trouble is this person is a good friend of my daughter's who we see occasionally, so I have
to paint the smile on as my daughter doesn't know and thinks this person is lovely.

I think we probably find it harder to let go of grudges when someone has said or done something to our loved ones, especially in your case KatyK as you were already feeling very protective towards your DH.

When I was having chemo a "friend" said something unpleasant about me to someone else. I long ago gave up any ill feeling about it but DH never forgave him and refused to have anything to do with him again.

sunseeker that's it exactly. Mind you, DH says he couldn't care less about this woman but won't give her the time of day when he sees her. I am left to be cordial and cool (in your words) but he just acts as though she is not there. Fortunately, she is so 'up' herself that she doesn't notice!

I forget or get bored. about what I am peeved about, so no good at holding grudges

I'm useless at it, very similar to you whitewave, besides I hate confrontation. My three sister fell out with each other years ago, I really don't know why. It's breaking my mother's heart but to no avail.
I have asked them, tried being peacemaker but no joy I could bang their bloody heads together

To go on about an injustice or a slight you have endured is boring for anyone to listen to. Sometimes if you just do not get on with someone, perhaps they say horrible things and let you down, time after time, you have to let that person go, the years pass and perhaps that is holding a grudge, but I don't think so, if someone continuously upsets you and doesn't make amends or try to justify their actions, what is the point of beating yourself up, best to let them go even if it's family.

Two of my sisters haven't been talking for about four years now, it has caused so many logistical problems and hurts, my niece was particularly upset when two aunts didn't come to the wedding - one of my sisters appears to have sided with the other.

I just let it all drift over me and talk to them all, but it's tough. I think of myself as not a grudge-bearer, but there are a couple of hurts from the past that still niggle, particularly from my mother.

Yes I am inclined to do that, for example there were a group of 5 couples, and we all used to met up periodically, but one of the couples particularly the woman would gossip and bitch about the rest, she therefore clearly must have said things about us. I tolerated it for a while but have gradually dropped out of the group. I have other groups of friends and we never ever bitch, utterly unnecessary.

It happens on internet forum too ;)

I think there are things that happen in our lives which are so serious we can't forget them but that is not holding a grudge surely. It is the less important things that people hang onto and keep dragging up which I would consider holding a grudge.

Some people actually seem to look for them.

That's very true Nonnie - and this is what is so boring exasperating. Little things blown out of proportion. Still harking back to her husband going out with his mates to wet the baby's head and getting drunk. The 'baby' is now 43!!