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People who hold grudges

(63 Posts)
Anya Tue 06-Oct-15 11:33:39

Aren't they wearing? I've just spent the best part of an hour listening to someone moaning on and on about how her feelings have been hurt, yet again. And then up surfaces all the times this person has been sinned against, going back years and years.

Blimey! How long can some people hold onto things and each time of the telling it gets worse, and never their fault. What happened to forgive and forget?

Thank goodness for caller display, I'm never going to answer the phone to get ever again.

Anya Tue 06-Oct-15 11:34:56

Incidentally it wasn't me who'd upset her!

whitewave Tue 06-Oct-15 11:39:10

I have an elderly aunt like that, she still moans about her mother, my grandmother, when she was a teenager!

Jane10 Tue 06-Oct-15 14:26:53

As Shakespeare said they "nurture their wrath to keep it warm". All too common I'm afraid.

KatyK Tue 06-Oct-15 14:30:47

I am guilty of holding grudges blush Must try to be a better person.

petra Tue 06-Oct-15 14:40:55

I hold a grudge. I should ref-raise that, I didn't speak to my sister for the last 33 years of her life (she died last year) It depends on how far greedy, mean people push you.

HildaW Tue 06-Oct-15 14:40:55 are not alone KatyK I think a lot of us do (well I hope so or I am a nastier person than I thought). I think the difference is that although I might carry it around a bit....I do not really act upon it, or at least I hope not. I certainly do not bore others with it, it always sounds so trivial when said out loud!

tanith Tue 06-Oct-15 14:43:01

I do know a person like this, as you say whenever he has a 'beef' about something he will then drag up every imagined sleight for the last 40 yrs and everyone just wants say GET OVER IT!!!

petra Tue 06-Oct-15 14:43:34

HildaW."It always sounds so trivial when said out loud" with me it's the opposite, people go, WHAT!!!!!!

sunseeker Tue 06-Oct-15 14:48:31

I used to hold grudges until I realised the only person I was harming was myself. The people you hold grudges against are usually totally unaware of your feelings so are not affected.

I think it does depend on what caused the friction in the first place but on the whole I tend to try to remain cool but cordial - and forget about them!

Indinana Tue 06-Oct-15 14:54:25

I've tried holding grudges sometimes, tried being 'in a mood' with someone, just to let them see how much they've hurt me. But I just can't keep it up. I'm not going to lay claim to some marvellously sunny disposition, because I can be a proper old nag (DH would certainly testify to that blush). But I blow up and then just as quickly cool down and get on with things. Always been the same, right from childhood.
Reckon that's why I just can't cope with people as described in the OP. I'm on your side Anya smile

soontobe Tue 06-Oct-15 15:15:42

I think there is a difference between holding a grudge, and not wanting to get rid of it.
And holding one, and having trouble trying to get over it.

KatyK Tue 06-Oct-15 15:21:07

I am trying to be different, I really am. I don't care if anyone upsets me, but if they upset someone in my family I don't cope very well. There is someone who was a bit horrible to my DH whilst he was undergoing cancer treatment. It was a while ago and should be long forgotten (DH couldn't care less) but every time I see this person I feel a Grrrr moment coming on. Cool but cordial is how I try to be sunseeker but inwardly fuming !

Indinana Tue 06-Oct-15 15:23:24

Actually KatyK, I can understand that completely. I might not be a natural grudge holder, but that sort of situation would be hard for me too.

KatyK Tue 06-Oct-15 15:29:39

Indinana Maybe it's not really a grudge. I suppose it's perfectly reasonable to be annoyed with someone like that. Trouble is this person is a good friend of my daughter's who we see occasionally, so I have
to paint the smile on as my daughter doesn't know and thinks this person is lovely.

sunseeker Tue 06-Oct-15 15:29:40

I think we probably find it harder to let go of grudges when someone has said or done something to our loved ones, especially in your case KatyK as you were already feeling very protective towards your DH.

When I was having chemo a "friend" said something unpleasant about me to someone else. I long ago gave up any ill feeling about it but DH never forgave him and refused to have anything to do with him again.

KatyK Tue 06-Oct-15 15:52:06

sunseeker that's it exactly. Mind you, DH says he couldn't care less about this woman but won't give her the time of day when he sees her. I am left to be cordial and cool (in your words) but he just acts as though she is not there. Fortunately, she is so 'up' herself that she doesn't notice!

whitewave Tue 06-Oct-15 15:54:34

I forget or get bored. about what I am peeved about, so no good at holding grudges

loopylou Tue 06-Oct-15 15:58:32

I'm useless at it, very similar to you whitewave, besides I hate confrontation. My three sister fell out with each other years ago, I really don't know why. It's breaking my mother's heart but to no avail.
I have asked them, tried being peacemaker but no joy I could bang their bloody heads together

Luckylegs9 Tue 06-Oct-15 16:02:16

To go on about an injustice or a slight you have endured is boring for anyone to listen to. Sometimes if you just do not get on with someone, perhaps they say horrible things and let you down, time after time, you have to let that person go, the years pass and perhaps that is holding a grudge, but I don't think so, if someone continuously upsets you and doesn't make amends or try to justify their actions, what is the point of beating yourself up, best to let them go even if it's family.

janerowena Tue 06-Oct-15 16:05:30

Two of my sisters haven't been talking for about four years now, it has caused so many logistical problems and hurts, my niece was particularly upset when two aunts didn't come to the wedding - one of my sisters appears to have sided with the other.

I just let it all drift over me and talk to them all, but it's tough. I think of myself as not a grudge-bearer, but there are a couple of hurts from the past that still niggle, particularly from my mother.

whitewave Tue 06-Oct-15 16:10:46

Yes I am inclined to do that, for example there were a group of 5 couples, and we all used to met up periodically, but one of the couples particularly the woman would gossip and bitch about the rest, she therefore clearly must have said things about us. I tolerated it for a while but have gradually dropped out of the group. I have other groups of friends and we never ever bitch, utterly unnecessary.

granjura Tue 06-Oct-15 16:42:44

It happens on internet forum too ;)

Nonnie Tue 06-Oct-15 17:41:18

I think there are things that happen in our lives which are so serious we can't forget them but that is not holding a grudge surely. It is the less important things that people hang onto and keep dragging up which I would consider holding a grudge.

Some people actually seem to look for them.

Anya Tue 06-Oct-15 20:54:48

That's very true Nonnie - and this is what is so boring exasperating. Little things blown out of proportion. Still harking back to her husband going out with his mates to wet the baby's head and getting drunk. The 'baby' is now 43!!