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To have been told directly and not on Facebook?

(48 Posts)
LyndaW Wed 07-Oct-15 09:08:08

I'm having another grandchild! My son and his fiancee are pregnant. It's wonderful news and I am delighted for him and his very lovely wife to be. However, I can't help but feel a little bit put out at how I found out the news - on Facebook along with their 634 other "friends".
I'm family and the grandma - surely a phone call would have been appropriate? Or even a text message. I'm trying not to get upset - it is about them after all, not me, but even so...

Anniebach Wed 07-Oct-15 12:51:01

Yes I understand Alea, and I am so sorry you to experienced the pain of your daughters pain as well as yours as the grandmother , hell isn't it. Just realised I have broken my promise to my daughter , she asked me not to tell anyone, not even her sister, gulp.

Stansgran Wed 07-Oct-15 15:26:58

We didn't hear you Annibach don't worry nothing will pass Gransnetters' lips flowers

Lona Wed 07-Oct-15 15:31:20

anniebach and Alea flowers

Coolgran65 Wed 07-Oct-15 16:40:25

I'd just ring them and say 'congratulations, I've just seen your wonderful news on FB. So happy for you'.

janerowena Wed 07-Oct-15 16:52:02

We got into dreadful trouble with MiL for not telling her I was pregnant, but we had made the decision so as not to take away all the attention from DBH's younger brother, who was getting married when I was 3 months pregnant. Also, I really wanted to wait until I was around 14 weeks along, in case anything went wrong. My sister knew because I needed her help to get to the hospital once for a checkup. MiL was really put out that my sister knew, but couldn't understand that not only did she live too far away to give me a lift, but that if we had built her up to expect her first GC she would have been devastated should we have lost it.

My own mother was more like, 'Oh no, not another one!' as my sisters already had DCs, so I knew I was safe there. grin

I don't really care who my DCs tell first, I know they love me, surely it's all down to who is with them at the time they feel like talking about it? I have hated so many of the customs and restrictions that the older generations have tried to impose, I don't want to be like that with my own DCs. I want them to come to me because they want to, not out of duty or fear of the consequences, which would just make them resentful. Hurt I may be at times, but I suspect I may have inadvertently hurt others. Someone, somewhere is always going to have their nose put out of joint - if they let it.

MamaCaz Wed 07-Oct-15 17:03:28

I can understand you being upset, Lynda, but as others have said, it's happened now, so try not to dwell on it, for your own sake. Holding on to the hurt in this instance will probably only serve to lessen your enjoyment of the rest of the grandma-to-be experience, which would be a real shame.

DH had a similar experience at the other end of pregnancy, when his first DGC was born. SiL didn't bother to ring and tell him until three days after the birth!

annodomini Wed 07-Oct-15 17:16:35

My DiL rang me up and casually mentioned morning sickness! DS2 and his partner put a copy of the scan in my Christmas card!

Lynda, don't be upset by your family's thoughtlessness. That's all it was. Just congratulate them on the coming happy event and enjoy the expectant granny experience.

Luckygirl Wed 07-Oct-15 17:23:56

I understand your hurt Lynda - I would have found that hard. But I hope you can rise above it all and not let it taint your relationships with the family as you do not want to risk any watering down of the joy of a new little one! Different times I guess - not what we would have expected, but we are just old fuddy-duddies. grin

grannyqueenie Wed 07-Oct-15 17:32:37

I would be gutted (is that more or less upset than devastated, who knows) to hear about a new grandchild via Facebook. But I guess these things usually happen through thoughtlessness rather than a deliberate intention to hurt. Hearing the sadness others have always
puts it all into perspective for me and pushes/helps me let go of a "hurt" that I might be tempted to hang onto. I hope you'll be able to do that. Lynda and enjoy the anticipation of a new baby. Hoping things go well for your family Anniebach flowers and yours too alea flowers It's so hard to watch our "babies" suffer isn't it. sad

Nelliemoser Wed 07-Oct-15 18:15:27

LyndaW I would be upset as well but don't get carried away with this.
As others have said if you dwell on this you will start to feel more upset than you need to.

I think the Grandparents should have been contacted first as they are the nearest relatives.

Both times DD told me she was pregnant was at about 8 weeks and we were sworn to secrecy until the 12 week scan when they went live on FB

Enjoy the baby when s/he arrives.

thatbags Wed 07-Oct-15 19:45:21

Oh pish! You've been told. That's what's important and now you can fizz and bubble for months with all the excitement of waiting.

Eloethan Wed 07-Oct-15 20:38:19

I would have been hurt too to find out in a such a way. But then I don't get Facebook at all. I send e-mails to individuals (and I still write letters to older people who are not computer literate - and to all my friends at Christmas) so the idea of announcing everything happening in my life to some amorphous "audience" out there (who may not even be real friends but just acquaintances), is alien to me.

I feel like you but younger people feel differently. Anyway, there's nothing much you can do about it now so it's probably better to try and put it behind you and look forward instead to the birth of the baby.

Luckygirl Wed 07-Oct-15 21:59:31

Every time my DDs have been pregnant they have both made a special visit to us and to the in-laws to tell us the good news face to face; and even the one DD who lives away came down to see us to tell us herself. Then they told everyone else. I was pleased that they did that; which is why I understand how Lynda might feel in this situation.

But moving on is the thing to do and not let it fester in the mind. Social media is the way things are now.

janeainsworth Wed 07-Oct-15 22:39:12

anno we went to stay with DS and DiL when DGD was 11 months old.
There was a photo of a scan stuck on the fridge which I assumed to be an old one of DGD.
After a few days DS pointed to it and said 'haven't you noticed this?' and drew my attention to the fact that it was dated about 2 weeks previously.
That's how we learned DGS was on the way shock

inishowen Thu 08-Oct-15 10:42:02

I know of an elderly lady who has just lost her husband. She said she had no callers at her house, and only two sympathy cards. Her daughter told her there was a lot of sympathetic messages on facebook. The lady is not on facebook. I think that's so sad that she feels left out of everything.

AdeleJay Thu 08-Oct-15 11:06:12

I would have been upset too but I think you have to let it go LyndaW. Facebook seems to be almost the most important part of everyday life for younger generations. I am having to get used to it though I only have 30 'friends' and contribute little. Most importantly, congratulations to you - grandchildren are the best.

Eloethan Thu 08-Oct-15 12:45:19

inishowen's post demonstrates what I feel - that Facebook has replaced a more special, personal communication with general announcements that require little thought or effort.

I think in the case of a death, in particular, it is inappropriate to use such an impersonal method of expressing sympathy - and I agree that it is very sad that an elderly person has, in effect, been excluded in this way.

granjura Thu 08-Oct-15 13:13:52

I agree and it is a shame. However, as I live abroad and with family and friends all over the world- Facebook places a really useful rôle- as letters could take many days to reach here.

I would be really upset if any of my children sent news of a major event via Facebook to us, without picking up the phone and telling us first- which they always have done. For our first grand-child, we were all on holiday in Italy together, with sil's parents- and they waited till we were all sitting together on the patio to make the announcement- it was lovely as on this occasion we were... all together. Sil's parents live in NI, and so for second grandchild- they phoned both sets of parents to give the wonderful news- then put it on FB.

One of our niece recently put photos and news of her wedding. They had decided against a big wedding- and had eloped to a wonderful location in the UK- and she wore the most beautiful dress- and put photos on FB- that was wonderful. No idea if she did tell her sisters and mum and dad first though.

janeainsworth Thu 08-Oct-15 13:57:38

Facebook only replaces personal communication if those close to the bereaved person choose to do that Eloethan. I don't know the circumstances of inishowen's acquaintance obviously, but it seems sad that her friends and family of her own age didn't send any cards, rather than that (presumably) younger people posted messages on FB. Perhaps if her daughter had shown her the messages she might have felt differently.

Last year a man I had met a few times professionally, but did not know very well, became ill with cancer. He was well-known because of the position he held, and more importantly, well liked and very well respected.

He posted on FB at the time of his diagnosis and while he was having treatment. It meant that his many friends and acquaintances who might otherwise not have known about his condition were able to send him supportive messages and pray for him (he was a committed Christian).

After he died his sons let everyone know on FB and I am sure they were greatly comforted by the hundreds of messages of love and support that were posted, from people who would otherwise have not known or would not have known where to send a letter.

It's a different way of communicating and not for everyone, but it has an immediacy and an intimacy and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

gillybob Thu 08-Oct-15 15:29:17

I would never find out anything if I had to rely on FB as I don't do/get it either Eloethan. My DiL regularly posts photographs and results from the childrens various gymkhanas,football matches,gymnastics etc. and I have to wait to see them "in the flesh". It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I much prefer the personal touch with a card, letter or email to the appropriate person/people although I can understand that it's far easier and much further reaching to make one post on social media for all to see.

granjura Thu 08-Oct-15 17:36:32

If you lived a long way away from the GCs though, those regulalr photos of them dressing up, riding bikes, clowning around- would become invaluable. They certainly are wonderful for me.

I also regulalry 'see' nephews, nieces and friends' children from all over the world- it is, as jane so rightly says- a magical way of keeping a web of family and friends together- without the formality of sending letters. Our lives are truly enriched by this.

Today if I look at my FB- I've seen photos and had messages/news/banter from the USA, Tasmania, South AFrica, Belgium, France, Morocco, Canada and the UK. What a joy.

mummyagain Fri 09-Oct-15 20:20:24

I'd be hurt by that. Me and my husband went and visited all the family members and close friends to tell them personally before telling the world. It's done not so try to put it behind you. I hope all goes well x