Untidy Grumps

I meant it in a nice way.

This is not intended as a criticism Sadiesnan just an observation, so please don't be offended .i wonder if when lightening the mood after your DH has a shower you mention you didn't know if it was his birthday, if that is the best thing.

Could it get his back up? Would it be better to just say something like ' mmm you smell nice. ' or just ' you look nice' ?

Maybe he does just take it as a joke , you would know best? I just wonder if a compliment would be more encouraging?

I bet you would love having the house to yourself too, if he went away. After all these years I still relish my solitude and independence and would never want to live with another. As for being a nuisance, if you are the one doing the looking after surely he is the nuisance? Can you discuss your feelings/problems with him? I found it helped to build up a life outside. I enrolled in adult education, joined a bowls club etc. Anything to meet people and socialise.

Wata123 - Sorry didn't see the posts that appeared after your message. My last post should have been addressed to you

He always refuses discussions and gets quite angry. Well, I don't want to come across as "an attention grabber" it does just help to know other women have been there or are there.

I am also dreadfully depressed by my husband, though I guess he can't help it. Thank goodness for Gransnet! I don't know how to cope when he gets up every morning totally worn out. He has not had good health all his life, as he has Crohn's disease, and now Parkinson's. I am currently on my third cancer scare in two years, and just don't know what to do.

Oh my..... I said to my dh that I didn't think he needed to shower morning and night !!
I will never say it again.

I'm sorry for those living with other halfs who have so little respect for themselves.... they must be quite miserable in themselves and to live with.

graninthemist, all we can do really is be self indulgent and, whenever we have time after cleaning up their messes is to do things WE wish to do. As hotpants said

My DH has always been a very upbeat person, confident and optimistic. He has never been able to understand negative people (like me!). His motto was always 'I'm here to enjoy myself.' However, since he was diagnosed with cancer, he has changed dramatically. It has knocked the stuffing out of him. He is on a lot of medication, also for diabetes, cholesterol and blood pressure. As I have said before, none of this is debilitating physically and he looks fit and well. However the psychological effects are starting to show. Yesterday I suggested we went to the sales to get him some badly needed new trousers. He said he didn't want to and when I asked why he said 'because I no longer care'. I was shocked. This was so unlike him. I persuaded him to go and we did and had a nice lunch and he was fine. Getting old is no fun and I can see why sometimes people get tired of it all and think what's the point in making an effort. I hope it's just a phase with my DH.

KatyK. Heartbreaking to hear your dh say he no longer cared

Coolgran I know Hopefully things will improve.

I'm saddened and shocked to read some posts in this thread. My ex left six years ago and I've wondered since whether I could accept another man in my life. My ex was immaculately clean at all times and it's precisely because I just couldn't stand living with a man with hygiene problems that I will not be having a close relationship in my life again now. Still, at 73 there's no one battering the door down, but it's just not worth the risk. Friends yes, but not sharing my home.

My heart goes out to the ladies who are coping with this problem and I think you're very brave for reaching out for the support on Gransnet. If it helps to know that someone is thinking of you and wishing you all a better situation, you can be sure you're all in my thoughts.

Nice post Ginny and I would echo your thoughts.I don't have a problem like this but can imagine how very depressing it must be for you all.Is a heart to heart talk with the DH's about how it makes you feel a non flyer?

So sad to read how these men think and act so negatively. Nobody has an excuse to be smelly or unpleasant to live with and it is most antisocial to inflict such behaviour on another person let alone someone they love.
I would agree that as children we didn't shower every day but we washed thoroughly and were clean.
Also as children withdrawal of our privileges was the order of the day when we didn't keep to the house rules so why should it be any different for adults?
Forgive all the questions but in trying to understand how this has deteriorated to this point I am wondering a few things.
Do these men feed themselves or do you feed them? If they use the kitchen do they clean up after themselves?
Are they well enough to perform basic tasks or to look after themselves?
Have you spoken to their doctor? Some of the stories on here make me think that some of these folk mentioned have serious mental issues and there could be help for them out there.
At the very least you ladies need some help and support so please don't let pride get in the way. Even knowing that you are trying to get support for yourselves in dealing with the situations they are causing might possibly even jolt some DH into action to improve their lifestyle choices and make them realise how serious it all is.
to you all!

I feed him, I dn`t want him doing too much in the kitchen because he`s just not clean enough. He gets his own breakfast, Weetabix with cold milk, but I go and wipe everything that he`s touched before I do anything else in there.

This is quite the most unpleasant and depressing thread I've ever read on gransnet.

Isn't it just. I will appreciate my husband from now on. I feel so sorry for you ladies, I really do.

I'm appreciating what I have too after reading this thread.

Although repulsive at times this thread is an interesting read.

Seems to be two scenarios - those who have always for whatever reason been slobs or early-on slid into that way, and those who through illness/ageing have become that way.

Either, it must be very trying for the wife.

It is older men in the main who are the smelly ones on the bus - I've always assumed they were widowers, but it seems not!

My mil lost her sense of smell with the onset of Parkinsons. Is there a health connection to these smelly men? Are these poor wives frightened of their husbands? My BIL stayed once having let himself go and he was (politely ) frogmarched to a filled bath .

Despite his health problems my DH is very clean and smart

I feel very sorry for those GNetters with this problem. Could your husbands be suffering from depression?.It is easy for someone to get into a spiral of low mood, low self esteem and self neglect and loss of self respect. Would it help to try and have a conversation to them involving DC as well? Perhaps you have already tried lots of possible ways to try and improve the situation.It is very difficult indeed for you. My thoughts are with you.

Now, looking back, I am not sure if my husband was depressed. But I do know that trying to have a conversation about it was impossible. He would become defensive and angry, intimating that I was imagining it and just trying to start an argument. He was very stubborn, and would not allow me to make any suggestions on his clothes or appearance.
He had never been one to see the importance of a daily bath (we had no shower in those days), saying that it was not good for the skin. But he did wash, use deodorant etc when younger. He certainly didn’t smell in those days, as he did in later years. Perhaps bodies do smell more in age?
I suppose I was a little intimidated by him. I did try so hard to talk about our problems, and my feelings. Feelings were something he certainly did not want to discuss, and as for counselling well he had no need to speak to any do goody mumbo jumbo types. Eventually I found life easier to just give up, shut up and put up.
As I said in my previous post it has taken years to feel fondly about him again, and not to blame him for our final years together. I know that the younger him would have also felt so sad that they ended as they did.
My thoughts and wishes are with all of you who are in this situation now. I hope the new Year will bring some relief for you all.

Reading some of your posts I'm really shocked at how these men let themselves go. I often notice, when in town, how great most older ladies look. They really make an effort with their hair, make-up and clothes. Some look very attractive for their age. If they're not ill why can't men realise how lucky they are and take a leaf out of the womens' books. There's no reason to be scruffy and smelly these days and if you take a bit of care with your appearance you feel so much better. Maybe if you ladies 'left' home i.e. for a week or so (stayed with friend/family member) the men might get the message & realise how lucky they are to have someone running around after them. So sorry to hear some of you are being made unhappy by these lazy slobs.

I remember reading my partners school reports from when he was at boarding school. One master remarked that "he's not too fond of soap and water" so it's an in-built thing with him. That and laziness. He's quite intelligent [not imaginative though] but only got to a sargeant. Oh, wot the hell!