to not want to contribute to honeymoon?

Would rather give what they want if it is asked for in the right way. Load of useless presents are a pain. Totally agree with wedding lists as they avoid wasted money which I hate.

One grandmother wanted to give me a silver cake basket! thankfully I steered her to some usable silver - napkin rings and butter dish. Since then I have inherited three silver canteens, 18 silver napkin rings, 5 silver teapots, three silver cake baskets and countless silver butter dishes and milk jugs!!! No we not aristocracy, nowhere near, but it seems to have been the 'thing' back in the day for the middle classes. Luckily I love silver for itself not monetary value, and they all have memories of the people it came from.

Second time around we had everything, so list in London store for china and glass, or rose bushes to remember you by, but it's you we want not your presents.

Agree with marionk - if you don't like it don't go.

And yes it is an expensive day for the family and gives a lot of pleasure to a lot of people. I have hugely enjoyed some fabulous weddings, in borrowed gardens, own gardens, village halls, castle in Cornwall, chateau in France, Blenheim Palace, Syon Park, Sandhurst Old School. The cost of these varied enormously. The venues did not detract or opposite from the occassion as I was there for the family. And as long as I can afford it I am more than happy to pay for B&B, travel there and make a lovely outfit. Wouldn't do it if I didn't feel something for the couple.

My own DCs weddings were fabulous, but they were homegrown - we are an artistic and practical family and part of the joy of the day was putting it all together and making it ourselves so it didn't cost a horrendous amount of money. But it is the bridal families prerogative to do it as they want and for guests to appreciate it.

maybe a donation to an ISA to help save for their own home would be a compromise

We had 2 cheeky invites recently, both from people we barely know, and both asking for cash donations, the first was from a couple who had already been married at an expensive location abroad and were inviting us to a party at a village hall, the second was for just an evening invite, where they forgot to enclose a reply address ... suffice to say we didn't go to either or give money, as far as I am concerned if you aren't invited to the main event, just to an evening do or a party then you can't really be expected to give money, it's kind of obvious when you're only invited because of the gift that you are expected to give.

I have read every comment on this thread, and i will say that my initial knee-jerk response has been melowed somewhat by some of those comments! My first thoughts were absolutely negative, as it just seemed a bit cheeky to be asking your guests to buy your honeymoon for you. However, I do take the point of many that it is merely a modification of a wedding list, which, so long as you are being reasonable, providing plenty of choice of gifts, with a good variety of prices, starting from very inexpensive items and not getting up into the realms of fantasy seems perfectly acceptable to me. I would not want my guests to waste their time and hard-earned money on making a choice of a gift for me, only to find that three other people had also given me the exact same thing! But I really REALLY have trouble with the whole concept of a 'cash donation', and consider it vulgar and common (sorry, I seem to have turned into Hyacinth Bucket!!) to suggest an actual amount. Not least because that 'suggestion' will likely be an amount that Hubby and I cannot afford to spend on ourselves for gifts.
Our own wedding in 2000 was totally home-made, cost far less than £500 in total (not including our honeymoon, which we had 2 months before our wedding because it was only affordable at the earlier time of year, paid for by a few days' work as an Extra on a TV series being shot locally, which hubby-to-be did specifically in order to be able to provide that luxury for us, bless him) - I made my clothes, the cake, the buffet, did the flowers myself, we went on the odd booze-cruise to buy all the wine, including fizz, had the reception at my mum's, an we even designed and printed all the invitations, etc at home! The Council even put on a fireworks display for us in the evening (well it was the local regatta, but we all trooper down to the seafront to enjoy the festivities together!!) We didn't need household things, so we did give a list of suggestions, with a few small things like tea towels etc, knowing that some people want to give an actual gift, and said that we would like vouchers to use at different stores such as Tesco, Boots, etc. We did make it clear that it really wasn't necessary to give us anything, and that we were inviting them because they were the people we wanted to share our special day with, and it was only family and really cherished friends. We had the best day, everyone really enjoyed themselves, and I was a princess for a day! I realise that wouldn't suit everyone, but I am in horror of the cost of a typical wedding - however wonderful the day, it IS only one day, and it is your lives together after that day which are really important, surely?

As has been said before, it is the marriage that is important not the wedding, but it takes a long time to realise that. I have known more than one time when the planning and preparation have lasted longer than the marriage.

Wedding gifts can vary enormously, but I never heard of anyone asking guests to finance the honeymoon. Having said that, as I was living abroad when I got married, many people sent cheques some of which helped to finance the (not very extravagant) honeymoon.
DS and DiL asked for Argos vouchers when they got married. They were able to buy what they needed without issuing a John Lewis list of rather pricey items. When a relative got married at 44, I knew she and her husband (longtime partner) already had what they needed and wanted. She had worked for an NGO so I bought them some goats for an African community. At other times, a garden token has been a welcome gift.

I would add I don't have a problem with wedding lists as long as they include a wide price range.And have given given a cheque in lieu. If the couple choose to put the money towards tgeur honeymòon tgats up to them . What I do object to is their being sent out with the invitation...it's so presumptious .In the days of electronic communication what's wrong with emailing people a link when they ask for it ?
And don't get me on to thank you letters (lack thereof)

Agree with all you say

When my son got married he already had his own home and so did my dil so they had no need of "stuff". My husband had died the year before so my son opened a JustGiving page in favour of his father's illness and said that no gifts were expected but if people would like to give anything they could make a donation instead. I think everybody donated and also left some lovely comments.
At my niece's wedding, again they didn't want any household things so chose a piece of art and arranged with the shop that if anyone wanted to give something towards the cost they could send it there. That worked quite well too.

I felt very uncomfortable about this when my DD did the same. The only saving grace is that so many people do it nowadays so hopefully not too many people took offence. I am guessing they didn't as they only had 2 no shows but even so it didn't sit right with me. The other problem is, how much do you give? I suppose this answer is, what you can afford but it's a difficult one IMHO

I have to say that in Germany (or at least the small town I come from) it is customary to give money at weddings, rather than presents, and I like that idea... Because it is so common, there is a kind of unwritten law as to how much to give is normal, and it is then up to the bride and groom how to spend it. We did use it to help pay for our wedding at the time, and did not have a holiday (the wedding in Germany was the holiday, as we were both living in the UK).
It eliminates the need to ask for anything, you don't need to draw up an elaborate wedding list with the danger of setting prices too high and looking greedy (or maybe even too low, lol), or getting a wedding list from one store which then limits you to products from that one store only!

Sorry, I accept that times have changed but personally this feels like extortion; on the other hand, I never liked the idea of a wedding list at Harrods or wherever, either. My first wedding was in a side chapel at Westminster Cathedral, where my ex had been volunteer; 12 guests, I knitted my own dress and cap and my bridesmaid wore a maxi Laura Ashley dress (I had a short Laura Ashley for my going-away outfit). Our honeymoon was paid for by Dateline (we'd met through them and didn't object to giving them a bit of good publicity). Second time round MIL and her parents made and iced the cake, MIL also made my dress and those of the 3 small bridesmaids, FIL provided the flowers and paid for our flights and we stayed in his flat just outside Amsterdam for 4 days. I bought a cheap summery hat, the ceremony was in Kendal Town Hall and a reception, again for 12, at our favourite restaurant, heavily subsidised by its wonderful owner! I don't think both my weddings combined would have cost more than £1000 at today's values, including the honeymoons.

Coolgran - what did you do with them all?

harrigran - I think the university hardship fund is a lovely idea.

I think the difference between when you got married, Shiraz, and couples nowadays, is that they have usually lived together and have a lot of what they need for their home. If they want gifts they usually have a list anyway and I would never waste my money on something that I think suitable, which would most probably end up in the charity shop. DS and DiL had a couple of quite expensive gifts, which they didn't like and wouldn't go in their modern house, and are still in our loft 6 years later. It would make no difference to me to spend money on a present or send the cash towards their honeymoon.

If they have lived together for ages, usually have children and have everything why don't they just go quietly to a registry office and get married. The tens of thousands spent is just for show. I know I am just an old misery.

I also think the trouble with giving money instead of a present is that the couple know exactly how much you have given. If you buy a present you can hunt for a bargain or find an item in the sales that looks expensive!

I'm sorry but I'm not contributing to the happy couples honeymoon . We are going to a wedding in June of a couple who have been living together for some time. They both work, their wedding has cost in excess of £15,000 and they're going long haul for 3 weeks - already paid for.

I have 2 daughters who have families and if I'm contributing to anyone's travel plans it's theirs.

I'm happy to buy a small gift . I just dislike being 'told' what to buy.

I have no issue at all with paying towards a honeymoon or luxury holiday. Neither do I care how much the wedding has cost the happy couple or their families - that's up to them. If they have been kind enough to invite me and spend quite a lot on providing good food and drink and a happy day for everyone then I would rather give them something they want than something that will end up in a charity shop. I love weddings!

We married as students and most of the guests were students too and opted to give us egg cups - we got an awful lot of them - and I don't even like eggs!

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of giving money towards a honeymoon; at the most recent wedding I attended, John Lewis vouchers were requested so that the happy couple could buy a particular sofa they really wanted, and they promised to think of everyone when they sat on it!

I meant to add that I found that idea really quirky and was very happy to contribute.....

I've read right through these with interest as we have also been invited to a friend's son's wedding later in the year. They haven't asked for anything as far as I'm aware but are in their early 40's and have been living together for several years, have a small child between them and two older ones from her previous relationship so will no doubt have everything they need for their home. I too find it very difficult giving money for such events - it just doesn't seem to sit right with me but agree that it's equally wasteful to receive umpteen towel bales or unwanted fruit bowls. To give vouchers seems the only other option but then you have the decision to make of how much they should be and the worry that what you can afford might to others seem miserly. When I married 45 years ago it was a very small registry office event and the only things I remember receiving were 6 very nice tumblers, a blanket and the inevitable pyrex dishes. We didn't have a honeymoon - I think my 17 year old husband went back to work on the Monday! Both my son's weddings were done on a budget but 18 years apart - neither of them had wedding lists but both had already been living with their girlfriends for a while so didn't need household items either and neither of them had a honeymoon. There doesn't seem to be a right or wrong answer to the question and in some respects a monetary contribution might be the only option.

nightowl I agree with you - I love weddings too. When we have been invited to celebrate with young people, whether we've known for a long time or not, I've just felt grateful that they have wanted us to share their special occasion with them.
I was surprised by some of the comments up thread where one or two posters said or implied that they thought they'd only been invited so they could contribute to the honeymoon or give an expensive present. I think that attitude says more about them than the bride and groom.

Jane I agree if it really is the young couple who you know well and are fond of. But how often, as we get older are we invited to weddings of a member of extended family,or the offspring of friends where we hardly know the couple and perhaps one, not at all?
I think these are the weddings we feel uncomfortable about.

Going back to NanaandGrampy's comment, I would say £15,000 is a realistic cost for an average wedding today, (in our circle of friends anyway). I searched back last night and the bill for our DD's reception alone was £90 per guest in 2011. That included the wedding breakfast, drinks and hire of room etc. So with that in mind, we always give a couple £50 - £100 in cash depending on how close we are to them.