Gransnet forums


in feeling hurt?

(53 Posts)
Lisalou Mon 08-Aug-16 07:34:17

DH's family all live in the UK and we live in Spain. He has three older siblings with children who are now grown up. We have one daughter in common who is nine.
We keep his parents in the loop and try to visit them once a year at least (nobody his side ever visit us)
He doesnt have a close relationship with his parents or siblings. He left the UK when he was in his thirties as he didnt really feel part of the family and couldnt stand the climate.
Last year one of his nieces got married. We heard all about the impending wedding but were not invited (it was a big do with loads of bridesmaids etc)
We were both upset as we thought we had a good relationship with said niece, albeit not a very close one. I asked my MIL what DH had done not to be invited. As I said to her, it would have been nice to have received an invitation or an explanation, as all the rest of the family including extended and distant family were invited. She said that the invitations had been sent out by bride and groom and that the father of the bride had known nothing of it. Oh well, we put it down to not being close to the father of the bride, with whom DH has not always had a good friendship (they clash rather often on a lot of subjects)
Cue around Christmas finding out that another niece, this time by his sister with whom he gets on well, corresponds regularly etc, is getting married in September and we are not invited. My daughter, who adores her older cousin and has spent some time with her when on visits, is making her a wedding present, and at nine has not really cottoned on to the fact that had she been invited she could have gone. I feel upset and angry as my DH is feeling that he is constantly snubbed for no obvious reason.
Yet another niece has just announced her engagement on facebook and I am not expecting an invitation, given history.
We have no idea what we have done and the mother of the bride made a point of spending time with us last time we went to the UK, we had a lovely day together.
I just dont get it. is it now customary not to invite family if they live abroad? i can say that all these weddings will be big and it is not a financial problem.
Sorry for the rant but i needed to get it off my chest and dont want to talk about it with DH as i dont want him further upset.

SueDonim Thu 15-Sep-16 13:24:41

His own mother said that??? shock Oughtn't she be facilitating some sort of reconciliation between all of her children? What has your Dh done that's so terrible, in their eyes?

Lisalou Fri 16-Sep-16 06:14:31

What he has done, as far as I can see, is be opinionated (much like his siblings) have a hot temper (much like his brothers) and not have been hugely successful (unlike his brothers), both of whom were helped by family (unlike my husband) to get good jobs or, as with his eldest brother, inherit the family house and land.
He has always been treated as if he were stupid, which he is not. His mother and father have always made it clear that his siblings were so marvellous and been quick to point out his failings (apparently the others have none)
He said sadly to me that his cousin, who as a young man was a drug addict and in serious trouble with the police, was given multiple chances to redeem himself, which he did and went on to do very well for himself. He commented that maybe he should have got into drugs, not just been a rebel as a boy. Maybe then they would have helped him.
Oh, my MIL is very good at "staying out of it" She has never stood up for DH even when he had done nothing more than state an opinion (a factually right one, too) the most she has ever done is congratulate him for not picking an argument on one occasion, when he pointed out a scientific fact and was shot down by his brothers.
I just wish he could just get on with life and ignore them. They are a nasty bunch and toxic to my little family. Unfortunately he cant. He wants to belong, he wants to have a relationship with this family who are all very happy without him. So sad, and so angry for him