Sharing Christmas

Thought our arrangements in place, then had call from future dil last night rejigging. Hey ho! everyone entitled to have own Christmas in the way that suits them. That's my mantra and I'm sticking to it. As others have said, it's not worth stress or boat rocking.

I don't think its fair to have a pop at her feeling sorry for herself, I would never let my Mum in Law spend Christmas alone, me and my husband always make sure that both sides of the family are treated equally. Yes, I would speak to your son and tell him how you feel, why keep it bottled up, don't have to be nasty, maybe even write it down. My DIL is lovely but as most, tends to always choose her family, I completely understand why, that doesn't mean it makes it fair, and I have explained, very nicely, with a bit of cake and me looking after the kids, that I love her as much as I do my son, and the kids are everything, and ever since I have, its been much better. No-one should be alone Christmas. I love my time alone, have spent many years as a single mum, now I have Grandchildren, I want to see them, spoil them, and not miss a moment.

I think MarySunshine is naturally upset that at first she was invited to spend an overnight Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning with her first DGC then she was cancelled and cancelled so that the other GPs and family could monopolise the new family. That is sheer bad manners to invite someone over (for any reason) and then cancel to be replaced by more favoured people.
I am not so sure that she should just accept this and say nothing. I am not the pushy type. I sat and waited for a Christmas invitation. 15 years I waited. Through 2 different sets of in laws (My DD changed partners). I don't know if my DD keeps picking more forceful partners and/or inmlaws.
It is coming up to my 17th Christmas as a Grandparent and for the last two Christmases I have not waited for an invitation nor have I issued any invitations.
It is actually a relief to have accepted that I am not the favoured one and just get on with what I want to do.
It would be nice to have the full family Christmas and it would be fairer to take turns but some people are more forward than others and I think it is not something MarySunshine should allow to become par for the course. The DIL cant expect to throw MIL out of the bed (Metaphorically) in favour of her own family. That is rude and ignorant, not in the spirit of Christmas.
Whatever happens MarySunshine do something that you want to do, this is a very unfortunate situation

It's a minefield but it seems a shame you have to wake up and spend the whole day on your own when you want to see your son and his family.

It looks like a compromise is in order. You say you don't want an OTT Christmas but others like to celebrate. What about going over for Christmas lunch which provides a focus without causing trouble? You don't have to stay either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day evening but would spend as much (or as little) time as you wanted with others.

It seems to me that s GPs are either dong everything like Merlot, or like us as parents of DSs, spending Christmas with friends because the DiLs' families get first dibs every year.

DSs don't seem to have any say.... or they just go along to keep the peace. Either way, these adverts showing all the family together really grate. Not everyone has family round at Christmas.

....doing everything, not 'dong...'

I do think they've treated you shabbily Mary. I couldn't let anyone be on their own in Christmas day. I think the suggestion of you driving over to theirs on Christmas morning is a good one. It will also show how important it is for you to see your son and GC. I hope it works out for you x

Usually, we go to our Daughter every other year, even when my Grandson arrived, her husband's parents stay Christmas night as well as us.
Now they have split up this year, our Grandson is with my Daughter on Christmas Day and his Father on Boxing Day.
We live in Nottinghamshire, my Daughter lives in Scotland and my son lives in Durham.
So my Daughter won't be able to come down as she would have to drive back Christmas Day, so we're all going to my Sons and having Christmas Day on Christmas Eve. She will still have to drive home on Boxing Day evening, but it will be only 2 hours instead of 5 hours

I' m with jayanna and dee I'm afraid .

lucky me or not, I have no family, I spend every Christmas alone, in fact I spend every day alone, how I envy people at Christmas, sitting down to Christmas dinner, the point I am trying to make is just make the most of what you have while you have it.

I must admit that I think a baby's first Christmas is more important to everyone else other than the baby. It also depends when the baby was born. I had aDecember baby and was run ragged visiting and accommodating all the people who wanted to hold the new born child. I am older and wiser thank goodness and would not ask a new/ newish mum to be changing beds and feeding the masses and have grandpa on the settee when I wanted to feed the baby and make a cuppa in the middle of the night. To MarySunshine seeing the baby open his presents etc the first time is a charming idea. The reality could well be a broken nights sleep for all and a baby who wants to play with the nice crackly paper and the interesting cardboard box and treats the expensive toy with indifference. And I'm sorry. You are not family you've shifted to extended family. And no wipe entitled out of your vocab. I think I'm entitled to a gracious thank you for a present . I'm there to help the new generation move on .

yes, families.... add sibling fallouts/rivalry, a daughter who drinks to much & is awful to be around....
staying home & hosting all, oops! no, change of plan all going to daughter no 2,

ooops! children of daughter no 1 don't want to go if their mom is going to be there!
change of plan, daughter no 2 has cancelled!
although myself & dad are still welcome....
but can't trust daughter no 1 to do right by her own children...
do I host & invite daughter no 1 .....
do I just invite her children, I have no problem with my grandchildren being here.....I could cope with her here, but the children don't want to be with her, their dad is another story!
Sadly every year seems to get worse, although I do live in hope that one day all will be well....

I agree with MaggieMay69 and Sugarpufffairy. I'd be hurt too if I was invited then uninvited. Not nice to feel that one is excluded from a special family day: Son and DiL should be sensitive to that.
We've always invited everyone: taking turns to host the big day with DH's brother we included both sets of GPS (now all sadly gone) and my Sister IL's parents and brother too! The spirit of Christmas isn't just for the 'religious' either.

You have to remember ur children are a gift for you until they are about 18 years old then you have to let them go, make their own decisions outing your feeling to the back seat. This year we are having a pre Christmas Christmas if that makes sense. Our daughters and their respective children will be with the in laws. Our son and DiL is having a quiet time at home, their last before the baby arrives. It is really hard and u are not I. A unique position. This is baby's first Christmas baby won't understand a thing. There is time to have Christmas fun with the Gc in years to come. Have you thought about volunteering somewhere on Christmas Day. You won't feel isolated and left out and will be bring joy to others.

I'm with you on this, lizzie. For all sorts of reasons, Christmas has been dysfunctional since I was in my mid teens. I haven't watched Eastenders for years, but it always seemed that the dramas which befell the inhabitants of Albert Square were tame compared with my Christmases.

I've spent many Christmas Days alone, so I plan for them. I buy myself some really tasty food - the kind of stuff I'd never usually be able to afford - and make sure I have some good DVDs and luxury smellies. Sometimes I don't even get dressed, but make sure I'm wearing my 'film star nightwear'. I ring people up and/or wait for phone calls from others and go to bed unstressed.

I don't have a big family (and even then, it's complicated), so I tend to have have 'proxy Christmases' with each of them, when I invite them individually to a really nice meal between Christmas and New Year or after New Year without all the Christmas tat.

Mary, hopefully you'll have your GC for many years to come. Try to think of your future relationship and being a helpful and loving grandparent. It's not worth falling out over Christmas. Inviting your son with the baby for a couple of hours (maybe not on Christmas Day) sounds like a really good idea. The baby won't know what's going on and it will give you a chance to speak to your son on his own and cuddle the baby without distractions.

My son and wife go to her parents in Ireland every other year for a week and we will only see them for a lunch on the Sunday before. They came to us last year but only for one night. It never will be fair and there is little you can do about it without upsetting everyone.

My son and DIL live in Portugal and it was baby's 1st Christmas last year and they spent it with DIL's mother. We used Face time and saw him open some presents. (Eat the wrapping paper - throw present on floor!) We spoke to DIL's family, who we love, and had a wonderful time here. This year they are coming here and he will be 18 months old, so it will be very different. We will Face time the family in Portugal again on Christmas Day and I am just so excited to share what time we have here. I'm so lucky that DIL is wonderful and has a brilliant extended family that have embraced us so well.

It is hurtful and thoughtless of sons partner but nobody can insist on rights that they don't actually have. What I'm afraid of Mary, is that it could all get so much worse. I'm not sure if she's a DIL or girlfriend, but if the latter then even your son has only limited rights. Stir up bad feeling, the relationship founders or son has to choose and you may never see your GC again. It's not fair but sometimes we have to accept that others hold all the aces and be happy with what we can get!

Hi the way we sort Christmas out is to spend Christmas Day with one set of parents and Boxing Day with the other and change this round on alternate years. We did this as it wasn't possible to fit all the families into one house. This way all parents feel that they are treated equally and no one feels left out. Its worked very well like this for many years and everyone knows what is happening and when and so removes the need for discussion/negotiation.

My husband has gone down with shingles and cannot have contact with elderly or young people. We were planning on providing Christmas lunch but that is now called off.
Don't tell anyone but we are rather looking forward to having a quiet Christmas with our dogs and our feet up.

I agree with Louise. Taking it turns about with each set of parents seems fairest.
When I was a child we went to see both grandmothers and then they would both come back to have dinner at our house. Other relatives might also come. We had the grown ups table and the children's table. I think the aim was that as many as possible where in the same place and no-one was left out.
I had Christmas dinner at my flat when I was a single parent. My mother was ill that year and didn't want to cancel anyone. I didn't have enough china or chairs but borrowed them and we just coped. It is not about being perfect or having a huge table etc it is about being altogether.

I'm not really bothered about the Christmas lunch and being there for the whole of Christmas Day as Im a bit of a Bah humbug when it comes to the festive season
I offered to let her family have this Christmas there as Im really not into Christmas in the way they are

I'm sorry for your situation. Do you think that you might have accidently given your DIL the impression that you were not bothered at all about Christmas? When in reality being there on Christmas morning is actually very important to you?

Can you not explain this to your son?

MarySunshine

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling hurt. I think there are 2 things going on here - one is you might be spending Christmas Day on your own. I know everyone has given advice - have you perhaps a friend or a sibling you could spend some or all of Christmas Day with? I know it can be a day for self indulgence but also I have seen people made miserable well into January about spending the day alone as it has such emotional significance to some. And it will be easier on your son possibly, if he knows you are not alone on Christmas Day.
Secondly I would be very wary of mentioning anything to DS about your DiL, in consideration he may well be tempted to tell her what you say. I would consider biting my tongue but do say to your son about next year.
But Mary please don't feel upset and make arrangements to not spend it alone.

I too have been very upset by arrangements made by my family at Christmas. Last Christmas was the worse, we only managed to see our GD briefly the day after Boxing day when DS, DIL and DG left DIL's parents at DS's house. DIL's father wasn't well or else they would have come too, not his fault of course but they had been staying for a week over Christmas. I saw on Facebook my DIL said that she had had the best Christmas ever. We all missed them deeply, as my adult children had been alternating Christmas staying with in-laws and us, it was to have been 'our turn'. My 2 sons fell out over this as well. This year, my DH and I are going away. We can celebrate with strangers that won't make huge emotional demands and without the hard work. Are we being selfish? Perhaps, but it's time for change.

Seems to be ceaseless round of people trying to please others and nobody being happy. Young couples are torn between which set of parents to spend the day with and Grandparents are wanting to have their own children with them. The cycle needs to be broken, NanaMacGeek has the right idea. Spending Christmas helping others can be good or with friends if you don't want to go away.