AIBU to not feel any gratitude?

I think you are over reacting. I would be pleased to think someone was so relaxed in my home they felt they could join in.

If people want to help it's nice to let them feel useful.

My DIL is a very busy teacher. For the last 7 years I have done her cleaning, and gardening. Any time I am there I do whatever I can such as emptying dishwasher, dealing with rubbish/recycling. I know how awful it is to return home from work to face the way you left in in the morning. However, if we visit and she is at home, I don't do anything. I know she wouldn't like that. I do it out of love and I know she appreciates me. Perhaps it is more difficult with daughters.

It shouldn't be more difficult with daughters!! She's just helping ..one day she won't be there to do it!

Sure wish your Mum would come and visit me! Try to be lighthearted about it and even suggest she keeps on going and not to stop at the garden path. Healthy banter is a great reliever of stress.

OK - simple solution. I've read all the posts and absorbed both sides of the debate.

Your house, your mess V your mum

Have a job lined up for her when she arrives - something that lasts about .20-30 minutes. That puts you back in control (you've chosen the chore) and then when she's finished, thank her and sit down together with a and a biscuit.

I'd love someone to do my ironing

Win-win.

How I wish somebody would sweep/weed/trim my garden for me. I think I would have been a bit miffed if it had been dusting or cleaning my home, but somebody who wants to do my garden is always welcome! Send her round to me!!

Oh I hope I haven't made my DD feel like that as I've just emptied her washing machine and put it out to dry, me trying to help as I saw the cycle had finished.

Oh how i wish my mum was still here to pick up a broom and sweep my path.

4 year old granddaughter is very scathing about my untidy bedroom but I don't think hers is any better. The clutter on my bed she was grumbling about before school this morning consisted of 4 tellytubbies, Minnie Mouse and a pile of children's books (she likes us to read together before school)!

I potter around doing bits and bobs when I'm at my daughter's. I only wish my mum was still here to do the same at mine! Treasure your mum and appreciate her while you have her. I so wish I'd appreciated my mum more, I'd give anything to have her back.

Just be grateful it was just brushing the path.My mum would house and dog sit when we went on holiday.
Found out once after she had gone home she had scoured my new expensive pride and joy non stick frying pan.

Maybe your Mum was just being a Mum ?
Maybe she just wanted to be of help to you in what ever way she can in return for what you were doing for her, i.e.: the baking, feeling useful as Ninathenana said.
Once a Mum, always a Mum.
Try not to take it as an insult icbn2820. One day your mum will no longer be there to do these things.
I wish that my Darling Mum were still here to ask me the same question before we ever went out anywhere:
"Do you need the toilet Dear"? ?

When I mentioned to my daughter that the kitchen was a mess, she told me to mind my own business because I didn't live there. That was the most freeing statement ever. I did not take offence because I can visit without having that nagging feeling of having to tidy up so, I never offer. If you don't want to feel aibu, tell her how you feel. It worked for me.

Mum may mean well, but if she's making critical comments as well as taking jobs on herself, then, imo, she IS being judgmental. I'm not sure why you "can't say anything" just because she is "sensitive." What's the worst that will happen? She'll cry? Scream and yell? Storm out angrily? Sulk and stay away for a couple of weeks? I know you don't want any of this to happen. But if it means she stops doing things without asking, perhaps it would be worth it?

You don't have to give her a whole big speech. Maybe try just stopping her in the act when you catch her? (Never mind that, Mum. I'll take care of it.") Or saying "No thank you," when she shows up with a lawn mower, etc? (If she complains that she hauled it all the way over to your house, you can remind her - gently - that you didn't ask her to.) She may be hurt and angry in the moment, but I bet she'll never do it again.

If you can't bring yourself to be firm with her, then I guess you'll just have to laugh about it in your head ("There she goes again, lol!") and enjoy the extra time it gives you to do other, less mundane things.

Oh, I love Anya's idea of assigning Mum a job when she comes over. If she's really trying to be helpful, she'll pitch right in. If she's just trying to be in control of your home, she may suddenly complain of "being tired" or whatever and want to spend more time "just talking" with you.

Last weekend my DD, GS and I popped out for coffee using my car.
She noticed my car was decidedly dirty and said "I'm gonna wash your car when we get back to mine".
"Oh thanks darling, don't worry you've got enough to do". She insisted and it looked wonderful after her hard work. I was thrilled and thanked her profusely.

Just wondering if you ever do little jobs for your mum ... or if you thanked her for her efforts in your garden.

I sometimes feel that I am on auto pilot domestically and will ofte pick up empty mugs where they have been left in my daughter's house. Probably for something like the garden I might ask her if I can help there.

My mother trained as a nurse in the 1950s and we were clean but usually untidy at home! She died in 2010 and I so wish she was still here to lend a hand... My MIL is a darling but in her 80s and cleaning never was her thing! Look fondly if you can...

I recently babysat for DGDs, aged 5 and 3, whilst DD and SiL went to parents' eve. DGDs were playing and chatting happily in kitchen so I tackled the stack of washing up. When I had washed, dried and put it away, youngest DGD said 'Mummy usually does the washing and ironing as well'

For pitys SAKE..get a grip !.
Wish my mum was still around to pop in to see me and annoy me. !
Tell her she's missed a bit if she picks up crumbs..! Tell her the windows want cleaning..laugh with her !
You sound like you have a good relationship with both mum and daughters. ENJOY THEM .Life has a way of kicking you when you least expect it..

Just give her a cuppa, a slice of freshly baked cake and say 'thank you so much, Mum, I've been busy and haven't got round to sweeping the path yet'.

I think you ABU - just a tad

Any left btw?
I will come and sweep your path for a slice of home-made cake

ps DH and I used to both have a frenzy of cleaning, gardening etc when my DP were coming to stay but mum always found something I had missed and offered, very kindly, to clean it

I guess I'm different than most people here. I miss my mum every day - but NOT her finding things wrong, etc. I would love to have her here to share a cuppa and a laugh - or even a cry - as we sometimes did. But would STILL NOT be okay with her trying to do my housekeeping, etc. without being asked.

Fortunately, I put my foot down about it at one point and she stopped. Not al mums back off that easily, I know.

It might sound horrible, but I was quite relieved when Mum's sight started going-it meant she wasn't looking for dust every time she visited!