Wedding

Aberdonians, the Welsh and Spaniards would beg to differ.

Racist terms, or ones used as such in that past, are generally used for a near neighbour, it being human nature to dislike those more than someone a million miles away.

There is frogs for the French, who in turn call us rosbifs, there was the English disease, known in England as the French disease (the pox), filer a l'anglaise, or taking French leave (going AWOL) a paddy for a tantrum, and a paddy wagon for a police arrest van.

The French, English and Irish are not pleased to be called any of these things, any more than the American Indians or the Aberdonians, Welsh, Dutch and Spanish.

Why is it worse to be racist about an American Indian than about someone nearer to home? All of these peoples have had things to suffer in the past.

I am not sure whether it should be filer a l'anglaise or filer a l'anglais?

Hasn't this drifted far too far from the original post? Why not start a new thread to discuss racism if that's really wanted and return to the OP question on this one.

And we are getting off the subject of the OP again.

Crossed posts, devongirl

Great minds, elegran!

Maybe she's witnessed friends who wanted a fuss-free and simple wedding suddenly having it taken over and turned into a major theatrical production by well-meaning relatives?

I agree with all the earlier posts; as this only happened 'yesterday' when you wrote, you were still in shock and I think it is quite possible your SiL didn't think of you being hurt but rather wanted to surprise you and was no doubt hoping for a very different reaction to the one you are expressing. As relations have been good between you up until now, I suspect there was no intention on her part to hurt you but as everyone else has said, they did it their way; perhaps her husband hates a fuss and doesn't get on so well with his family - you know how it goes - if we invite so and so, then we have to invite so and so and so it goes on until in the end they have decided, "let's just do it on the quiet and surprise everyone". It would be nice if they made the gesture of a celebratory meal with you and your husband but perhaps it needs to come from you if you wish to remain on good terms; I would encourage this as positive family relationships need to be cherished and nurtured and can be lost so easily through misunderstanding; so please tread carefully and try not to feel rejected, though I totally get why you do. We all look out at the world through different lenses and react in different ways. Perhaps in the fullness of time you may want to express your disappointment that you were not included on her special day but for now, let it go and share their joy and be grateful she now has a husband to share her life with, rather than worrying you and your husband.

Both you and your husband are entitled to know.
Entitled?

It would have been nice but they are not entitled to know

We can't send them to Coventry.
Apparently people try but it is against GN rules.

One of my cousins did this many years ago. It was a first marriage and I was quite shocked when I heard. I did think his parents were probably very hurt but never talked about it to them as we weren't close. We had our own theories as to why, but generally kept quiet about them. I think in recent years it may have become more common with more second marriages and more people living together before marriage so I guess it could happen to any of us. We should cherish our relationships and let go of hurt and upsets quickly if we want to keep those relationships going.
Happily my son recently married and the happy couple wanted a huge celebration with as many friends and family as possible. Their problem was finding a venue to fit everyone in within their relatively small budget so everything was very DIY, making for lots of hard work but a real sense of everyone working together.
Everyone should be allowed to do it their way and as many posters have said, life's too short to hold on to hurt and offence. Put it behind you if you can and find an opportunity to celebrate with them soon.

She did what I wanted to do - "let's just do it and tell everyone afterward". I have always disliked weddings and hated to be the centre of attention. But though DH would have gone along with what I wanted, I knew deep down he wanted at least some of his close family there, so that's what we did. Our parents, his sisters and DHs, and a couple of close friends. It is also what my late DiL wanted to do when she and my son got married, but in the end they had just a very small gathering. His second wedding was an altogether more lavish affair. My DD and her partner have been together for 25 years this year, and for all I know, they could have tied the knot and kept it a deep dark secret. They are serially private people. (He casually refers to her in the company of strangers as "my wife"). We don't, and have never, discussed it. Don't let this eat away at you, Sleepyamber. Respect their decision and wish them well.

I can understand why you are upset, but they clearly didn't want a fuss and probably had no idea that you or anyone else would be upset by this. That said, if I were in your position, I would limit my response to a very hearty (feigned if necessary) 'congratulations'. If they wanted such a low-key wedding, I doubt they want or expect any more. I certainly wouldn't feel inclined to host any kind of celebratory get-together, however small or informal. But that's just me!