difficult adult daughter

I am afraid human nature is such that if one lets others walk over them then those others use you as a doormat.
If you had said to her when she was rude in the first place
"Who do you think you are talking to, you rude b**ch" She would have been stopped in her tracks.

Interestingly I am aware of this dynamic with my DIL .her mother died several years ago and their relationship appears to have been difficult. I ind that frequently her behaviour and responses to me seem to be unrelated to me atall ...its like she "anticipates" a negative response or behaviour from me that doesn't happen but she responds to me as if it had ...and behaves badly and unkindly at times, to say the least!

Though you think not, it sounds as if she had too much drink at the hen party. Staying away sounds wise, let her calm down and think about her behaviour.

Norah, I'm sorry but you couldn't be more wrong. She is very very very anti drink and so I know for certain her mood was nothing whatsoever to do with a hangover.

thank you to everyone who replied, truly wasn't expecting such a response. So many of your replies made me laugh, a few made me quite annoyed but the support was overwhelming and more than helpful.

Sorry I cant reply to all individually but have to say once again, drink or any sort of hangover was certainly not the cause, she is very anti drink (as I have mentioned more than once). Her father died when she was 17 due to cancer, quite possibly caused by alcohol abuse. Although she wasn't happy about me re-marrying she gets on extremely well with my new husband, far better than I ever expected and was polite to him at all times.
I've taken on board your advice and in future will tell her at the time that I will not accept any rudeness from her.
Yes, she did have her period!
Jinty44, loved your reply, really made me laugh
Nemoiudex- If I had explained all her she said then you wouldn't think I "may have over reacted"

Yesterday she text me to after 3 days of silence, apparently I annoyed her by telling her how I felt. I wont be saying any more until I see her in person. This may or maynot be at the end of the month, we will see.
For all those dealing with similar problems, you have my sympathy, no matter how much we love our children it isn't an easy situation

I guess her friends were drinking and probably behaving a bit stupidly. Maybe that annoyed and upset her.
It's not an excuse for rudeness to her mum, though!

The daughter sounds like an overgrown rude selfish and ignorant child. Why couldn`t she go to her friends car and get her own bag? And vegan or not, its nothing to do with her what her Mum chooses to buy when shopping. If she behaves like this with her partner I hope he soon realises what she is like and runs for the hills!

Is that last post intended to help Ziggy62? I fear not mizzmelli.

I'd say your daughter's partner is possibly seeing red flags over her behaviour to you. He would be hoping you continue to the whipping post for your daughter, otherwise he will be next in line.

Ziggy send her back a text and let her know you don't appreciate her taking her bad moods out on you and she should grow up.

My relationship with my daughter is tenuous at times.
I constantly bite my tongue whilst she patronises me, and says things that anger and often hurt me. It feels as if I have somehow become the child in the relationship.

You bought her up. Are you rude to people? Behaviour tends to be learnt, why would she make fun of her friends and the market?

AIBU? did I really deserve that last comment?

Melody1963 Seriously?

Moving on from that comment, I had a text from her today asking for the recipe of the vegan meal I made for her partner the night she was on the hen night lol. I guess this means she has calmed down

Ziggy62 No I don't think you did!

I feel your pain Ziggy. I have 3 daughters, and 2 of them are awful to me. One speaks to me as if I'm dirt and the other hasn't spoken to me or acknowledged my attempts to contact her for a long time.

I suggest that you meet your daughter and tell her what you've told us. There's no pain quite like that inflicted on a mother by an ungrateful child. I'm with King Lear on that one.

Haven't read all the replies, but I'm sorry this happened. Imo, your dd (dear daughter) was terribly rude. Grrr!!! But you were unrealistic to expect her to do activities with you people the day after the hen party. At least, you should have kept your plans tentative and asked her if she felt up to it, imo.

I understand you're not wanting to visit with her right now. I just hope it won't lead to total estrangement. What was her response to what you said?

Also, I agree with dealing with rudeness in the moment. "Excuse me?" spoken with a raised eyebrow is often all that is needed to call out such bad behavior. It was nice of you to be concerned for dd's partner, but he could survive a simple reaction like that surely?

thanks for the support and my heart goes out to others coping with similar problems with daughters

Starlady, I thought I had made it quite clear more than once that ALL the activities we planned that weekend were her choice NOT mine so I find your comment that I was being unrealistic rather uncalled for. I spent a lot of time discussing where she would like to go over the weekend and on the morning after the hen party I gave her the option of going back to our house, staying with her friends or going on to the market, she made the choice to carry on to the market.

Sorry Ziggy! My mistake for posting before I read through the thread. Didn't see your earlier explanations about giving dd options, etc.

She might have thought the fact that she "warned" you she would be "tired and grumpy" released her from any responsibility for being kind or polite. Imo, it didn't, but maybe she thinks so.

I still think it was unrealistic - sorry - on both your parts. especially since she had her period. She should have known it would be hard for her to do so much with everyone, etc. I guess she wanted to pack a lot into the weekend, but poor judgment on her part, imo.

Still, she managed to be nice with your dh, etc. Could it be there are some underlying tensions between you and her? Or did you say anything to her that may have set her off?

Or could it be she just feels "Mum" is a "safe" person to take out her grumpiness on (a compliment in a strange way)? I think this is often the case - our ac just feel more comfortable with us mums but because of that they don't always treat us as well. Idk - just trying to figure out where all this rudeness was coming from.

Anyhow, I have this with my dd, too, sometimes, but I object in the moment and she usually backs off. If I object very strongly though, it ends up in a fight that, imo, is not worth having. That's why I suggested a simple, light, "Excuse me?"

I agree that discussing this in person would be better than doing it by text, etc. I think I would ask her why she thought it was "okay" to be rude to me and why she didn't seem to think I had a right to object. Maybe not. Just a suggestion.

But maybe you should let this go for now, as a pp said. You already told her how you felt. Her complaints about it might just be defensive and coming from guilt. Meanwhile, she gave you a clue as to how to handle this if it happens again - speak up in the moment, which, I'm glad to see you've decided to do.

Did she give you any other clues as to what was wrong or how you could put an end to it in the future? If so, maybe just let those be your guide and no need to discuss it further. I know you'd like her to show she really "gets it" and that it won't happen again. But I don't think you're going to get that kind of admission or promise out of her. Sorry.

thanks for all the supportive posts, time to move on