difficult adult daughter

We went to pick up GS to take him to a party but when we got there, daughter was in the street shouting at everyone! She then started on OH so I told her to get back in the car and drove off. As we were driving off, daughter asked what was happening about GS's party invite. Told her to sort it as we were not going to put up with that behaviour! Never happened again from anyone!

I've drawn the lines and nobody will cross them. I'm the only one with a car!

You say she is your adult daughter but she's acting like a spoilt child. Adopt a policy of zero tolerance. Tell her immediately if she says or does something to upset you. You could try asking her what's wrong and listen very carefully and make sure you understand her answer. Books on Assertiveness are good. As a parent you will always love her & be there for her but won't necessarily like what she says/does.

At 27 she is not a little child but a fully grown adult. Why do so many adult children these days expect to be tiptoed around and be rude and insensitive to a parent. It's time she grew up. I would not write her a letter either, let things take there course and nip any other rude behaviour that she may display in the bud, otherwise if you let it go unchecked you are making a rod for your own back.

Oh dear Ziggy.....such conflicting advice on here. I hope you make the right decision. I too have a daughter who sometimes treats me as though I am the child . As one or two others have said , you don't want this to escalate into being shut out of her life. I certainly would not entertain the idea of a list of examples. Once it's written it's always there, and she probably knows in her heart what she has said. Be grateful that she was polite to your husband , and only took out her hangover or PMT on you . Meet her for lunch and move on.

Sorry you have had this conflict with your daughter ! It always seems to be daughters ! Mine not spoken for 10 years ..no idea why m no explanation, nothing ! Left her alone to do as she wishes ! \\\A lot of m y friends have trouble with daughters and d-i-ls and I am always getting e mails from them with the latest drama ! One friend did confront her d-i-l and was just met with abuse and told not to bother staying at their house again She now only sees her 3 grandchildren if her son brings them to stay with her ..never sees the d - i -l. Things changed when she ran out of money to give them, having paid a substantial deposit for a house in London for them, paying for central heating, building works, etc .....then the dil asked her son to ask her for money for new windows ! She said sorry, I don't have any more .....end of contact ! Other friends also have been cut off from daughters and d i l's ...some have no contact with the gc's whatever , others only when their sons bring them to visit !

I wonder what it is about girls.women ? Don't think many of us treated our parents like this ...is it an entitlement thing, or have we simply bent over backwards whilst they were growing up to meet their every expectation ?

I was once told the best thing to do is to write a letter detailing all the problems but DO NOT send it ,,,,,might be good advice rather than risk a complete breakdown in communication ! I never try to contact my daughter any longer ...her life, her decision, her loss !

I know EXACTLY what you mean ... as Radicalnan said "Been there, got the t-shirt". Some good advice on here!!

I think daughters can be tricky! I have two sons and one daughter, and my relationship with her is somewhat volatile. She is frequently rude to me, but seems to be completely unaware of it. I've just decided to let it roll off me, and not take it personally. She feels safe enough with me to let off steam, but she never sulks and nor do I. On the other hand, if there's an emergency, such as a recent health scare I had, I call her and she drops everything to support me. Absolutely without fail You can't put a price on that...

I expect you've heard the expression "a mother's place is in the wrong"?

It sounds like she had an awful time at the hen party, was angry with herself for having been there and was taking it all out on you. She may have changed her mind about wanting to go to the local market or other places even though she originally wanted to but didn't want to say so.

That is of course no excuse for treating people with rudeness and I agree with others here that it is important to confront the rudeness immediately, otherwise you'll get bogged down in arguing about examples that she can't remember or thinks you have misquoted or exaggerated.

I would prepare a script for such situations in the future so that you are ready to deal with it - eg I find those remarks rude and I am upset by them.

You'll have to be prepared for her to make a fuss or accuse you of also having been rude in the past so you could offer to draw a line under her behaviour and both agree to treat each other with respect in the future.

Be prepared for this to be rejected though, and think about how you would deal with that reaction. I think it's always better to leave the door open with your children so don't do or say anything hasty that you may regret later.

VIOLETTE I think you hit the nail on the head with the middle comment about the girls/women being entitled, I agree we have spent our lives and our bank balance making sure these daughters of ours have everything they want (not need) as they grow up, when they are small we gave them choices, what they want to eat what they want to wear and even now when I watch my grandchildren run rings round their parents I think to myself you'll regret that! Yes I've made mistakes spoilt her but I will not tolerate being spoken to in that way ever. She has her own place now with her partner and we get on really well. I think after a certain age mother and daughters need their own space. But I wouldn't tolerate her showing you up and verbally abusing you, don't go for lunch make her come to you.
Sorry for what your going through take care

Ziggy my sympathies i know from absolute personal experience how this is as my daughter can be so similar BUT she has been diagnosed as bipolar and it is when she is having an episode that her behaviour becomes obnoxious and she blames me for everything. It is SO difficult to deal with and find coping strategies sometimes but it helps to remind myself that this is acondition and not a personality disorder. I wonder if this is the case with your daughter? With the growing awareness of mental health conditions it is becoming easier to recognise - as in autism now i think there is more patience and people don't automatically assume that the child's behaviour is naughty. My daughter is so lovely when not in the grip of a bipolar episode and it is a tragedy because she says she hates her brain when recognises afterwards how she's been. It's a long hard road but if you're daughter is on the bipolar spectrum at least it explains why she can be so nasty and obnoxious. Best wishes and hugs that you find a way through

Both my OH and D are volatile characters but D has the bigger mouth.
I am happy to let them get on with it until the foul language is used by D, who speaks loudly.
Then I tell her at the top of my voice to F* off out of the house.
She goes and peace is restored.
They meet up most days, as we have the GK's whilst she works.
Your new husband sounds a gem, laughing and joking with her whilst you are in tears upstairs.
No excuse for rudeness from adult children. They weren't ridiculed whilst we were rearing them.

Good grief, It's hard to believe she is a grown up woman and not a school girl! She should be ashamed of herself, at the way she has acted and spoken to you! I wouldn't want to go either. She needs to grow up and apologise for her rude behaviour , x

I agree with loopylou, tell her to grow up and act her age

Yes she was in the wrong, said things she probably regretted while suffering from a severe hangover.
But it's not worth falling out over.
Arrange another lunch date and enjoy her company. She will probably be on her best behaviour away from the family home where she felt she could revert to teenage habits.
Your relationship with your daughter is too important to put at risk.

*^This isn't a new thing with her.*^
Probably the most important point. Whatever excuse she has for this episode, it isn't an isolated incident, it's a pattern of behaviour.

*She went on to say she had warned me she would be tired & grumpy after the hen party and I should have been prepared for it.*
Bollocks! If she knew she would be tired and grumpy, she should have taken steps to check her own behaviour, like thinking before speaking. Victim=blaming at its finest.

* She said I was absurd in the way I reacted to her over the weekend and I should have said something at the time. The reason I didn't was due to consideration for her partner.*
Well stop being so bloody considerate! Call her on her behaviour, every time. If her partner was worth a damn, he'd have been asking what she was playing at.

What did your husband have to say about her behaviour?

Oh, and does she have a problem with you remarrying?

I agree with loopylou, tell her to grow up ,act her age .
My 2 sons are 36 and 41yrs if they are rude , which isn't very often, I always get an apology and have done since they were teenagers. They were not saints by any means but the same as many parents we set the boundaries and stuck to them, not easy but it ,hopefully pays off!!!
Hope it all works out for you.

Phew am I glad to be reading these posts , I thought I was alone with a difficult adult daughter who behaves like an unexploded firework-may be ok but may go off in your face.

wow, certainly wasn't expecting such a large response, thank you so much. I will read through all the replies again. BUT I just had to mention that my daughter doesn't drink, in fact she is very anti-drinking, so a hangover wasn't the reason for her behaviour. Also many weeks before, we chatted about what she wanted to do after the hen party. I gave her the option of not going to the market and not going out the following day but the places we visited where those of her choosing, not mine.

Are you saying she not tell you that she would be tired and grumpy?

I have a daughter and like others she also can be hurtful. She often says she tells me things amd I don't remember her saying that.

So maybe us mothers don't listen sometimes and like our children only hear what we want to hear and carry on as we want things to be. Whatever the reason it is you who seemed to be annoying her as you said she was ok with the others. Maybe she wanted to visit these places with just her partner, there could be many reasons for what happened. You have made your point and told her so let it go.

Also not fair for others to make judgements when we are only told one side of the story.

Ziggy62 is saying her DD was not hungover, but was tired and grumpy all the same.

If she could be okay with the others, she could also be okay with her mother and could say in a normal way if the arrangements didn't suit her.

Ajanela, I listened very very carefully and we discussed plans for the weekend in great detail, so I think your comments are unfair. I have put her partner on the insurance for my car so they could go off on their own if that was her wish. When I met her the morning after the hen party, I gave her the option of going home with her partner, staying with her friends or joining us on a visit to the market. SHE made the decision to join us at the market. Also I am not asking people to make 'judgements' merely looking for support from others who are maybe in the same dilemma. I have no wish to fall out with my daughter, she is a very much loved and I am very proud of her academic achievements but I feel at the age of 27 she should have more understanding of how hurtful her behaviour can be

I think you may be over-reacting. You reacted to her grumpy remarks as if they were all directed at you, but from what you have said, they actually weren't. Complaining that you'd bought too much food? That's a fairly mundane sort of complaint and maybe if your husband had said it you wouldn't have felt particularly hurt. You shouldn't have felt bothered by her remarks about the market and the people in it (maybe you should have simply agreed with her) or about her friends or the hen party (it isn't as if you had arranged the hen party) so it really amounts to a few snappy remarks about collecting a bag from a car. I think you need to think about what you found hurtful - was it that you wanted it to be a lovely day with your daughter and she spoiled the mood? But you wouldn't surely want your daughter to put on an act just to please her mother? I'd suggest you try to build bridges with her. Don't put up with any cr*p, of course and if she is rude, stand up for yourself and say "don't be rude" but equally, don't play the martyr and don't try to make her feel guilty because people don't respond well to that. Don't let your husband tell her "your mother was very upset and I think you should apologise" because that just puts more barriers in the way. Draw a line, put it behind you and try another day out or another lunch together.

I have read the full thread. I am shocked that so many of us Grans are putting up with so much verbal abuse. Other the other hand I feel it confirms that it is not just me.
I have 2 daughters, no husband, no parents or other family. I frequently think if my husband could see this he would spontaneously combust! My children constantly put me down. Apparently I cant even sweep a floor, hoover a carpet, any household task. I also cant do anything right at all.
Both daughters have literally fought with each other. In one hospital one hit the other who was an inpatient due to complications of pregnancy. It was shocking. Nurses saw I was in a state. In another hospital they were shouting abuse at me in the corridor and another nurse informed me and my very ill caree that shehad seen this.
They dont listen to any advice and then moan when they get into difficulties. They used to think I would sort out all their financial problems however I have now taken the view that I am doing no favours by not letting them face the true results of their conduct in al respects.
While I do not bear any great love for their respective partners (one current and one exed), I am concerned that they have been severely affected by the conduct of my daughters and their partners.
They were not brought up to behave like this. I am a very quietly spoken person and do not swear, I never hit people I do not know where they got this idea from unless it was because both partners come from different backgrounds to ours but they are both similar. I can not understand why youngish men should be so beaten down by both my daughters.
I have worried about the daughters being targetted with abuse from the partners and their only way of letting off steam is to take itout on me and each other. This is why I am not closing the door completely.
If there was a time when they wanted to leave I would provide the finance to rent them properties, I most certainly not have either living in my house. Sad as that is.
I have to protect myself. It has been physical abuse in the past as well.

We have 2 DDs, aged 41 and 39. Elder DD is fine but DD2 can be so difficult! She has upset me a lot recently when I've been under a lot of stress with their Dad being so ill. Went to visit last weekend. I resolved not to get drawn into anything so said very little to her, mercifully DGD was full of life as ever. She was quite solicitous towards her Dad. I just find it very sad. She lives a long way away so contact is via texts etc. Frequently she just doesn't answer texts-I know she has her phone with her all the time. I try so hard not to pester her too. A new baby is due at the year end. It should be such an exciting, happy time and we'll do all we can to help but I'm dreading it-how sad is that? Knowing I'm not alone doesn't help really!!

I'm actually truly shocked by the number of ladies on here saying that their beloved daughters behave so badly towards their mothers, and it does seem to be most often towards the mother! The one heart warming thing about this whole thread is that in the main everyone is caring and supportive of the others, especially the one who is suffering and starts the thread. There are perhaps a couple of judgemental posts, but thankfully these are few.
I do wonder how we have managed to produce adults who are, at least sometimes, so unkind towards their mothers, whilst holding down responsible jobs, running homes, caring for children etc. My DH says it's the way society, technology, the way of life, it has changed. Younger people are used to instant gratification now, whilst we had to wait. Also, I never dared speak back to my parents, I would have been in serious trouble if I had. We weren't given the choices they've had, we had less to choose from, they have a whole world with the internet. I don't know, I just wonder. And why does it seem so often to be the girls?
What I do know is that when a much loved child abuses a parent, it hurts.