To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

A bit muddly towards the end. Sorry. Shows how het up I am!

I hope you assured her that she's doing the right thing. That his behaviour to her has been disgusting and it's good that he's growing up and becoming independent.

And then turned it into a positive about how exciting the next chapter of her child free life is going to be.

She's not abandoning her children Norah, she's not off on a year long cruise, leaving them to fend for themselves she's not run off with the milkman She is in a long term loving relationship with a very patient man she is GIVNG her children, a potential step father (which hundreds of people do every day) and making sure they stay in their own home in familiar surroundings OP has said they will be better off financially there is absolutely nothing in any of her posts to suggest this man and her daughter are anything other than genuinely nice people She has even seen her eldest through university and he's come back like a bad penny to the comfort of his mum
Selfish young man and grandma is encouraging him in this selfishness
Like you Bobbity I feel angry for this long suffering mum and hopes she finds the happiness she deserves

But it's not about a child free life is it necessarily. It's not an either/or ( or shouldn't be?). How do the two younger ones feel?

I would rather the daughter finished raising all her children without bringing in a partner. To me the partnership can just continue as it is until the children are through uni.

We have had two Similar experiences in our family.
A cousin's husband unexpectedly passed away at a young age leaving two young teenagers.
The daughter was particularly close to her father and did everything to prevent her mother finding another partner.
Result...
Mother now 70+ has lived a a very lonely life.
Daughter leading a full life with a partner.

The other was a couple who divorced when DD was a baby.
The daughter would or could not accept that her parents would never be reunited.
When her father remarried the daughter by now in her early 20s took an overdose and ended up in hospital.
She thankfully pulled through.
What came out of it was that she had counseling and is now working through her issues.

I think its easy just to dismiss an adult child's issues re a new partner and say they should 'grow up'.

See them through Uni?
And what if they decide to do Masters? Doctorates? Second Degrees? Gap Years? Changes of mind on degree choices?
Where does it end? My children are my absolute world and I would put their health and well being above everything.
But this is ridiculous. He's been very patient. But what if he looks at this and says I can't live with this level of animosity.
She loses out.
Doesn't meet anyone else. Then the children eventually do leave and live their own lives and who does she have?
Will they then reciprocate and revolve their lives around her demands? I bet his potential future wife would love that.

I agree with Suedonim and BlueBelle your daughter has done a good job bringing up her children and deserves some happiness herself. Your grandson will not think twice when he meets a partner and wants to move on.

Why would a mother be upset because her grown up son moves out? Isn't branching out on their own what parents are supposed to get their kids ready for? Give him a shove, love.

And there's obviously no point being upset because he doesn't like The Man. Five years is long enough for His Preciousness to get over himself and let his mum decide what she wants without reference to him.

,Nannyone lots of things come to mind here!

Your daughter has been seeing this chap for 5 years, they have decided to move in together. It seems to me that they have taken a really sensible approach, 5 years is quite some time, many couples move in after a matter of months!

The 22 year old is NOT a child, I was married and had a child of my own by that age, and how dare he bloody well behave like that and try to control his mother's life!

You're saying that you are worried that if the chap moves in, you might see less of this grandchild, well, again, he isn't a child, is he? Your relationship with him must surely by now be established, and not dependent on other circumstances?

Norah, it's not often than I am rendered by posts, but congratulations, you have managed to do it!

To suggest that this woman puts her life on hold until all the children are through uni is, well, I can't find a way of putting it politely.

Her husband left her 8 years ago after he had an affair. She has now been seeing a decent sounding chap for 5 years, which would indicate that she spent 3 years putting herself back together after being betrayed and left with 3 children.

She now has a chance of being with someone and having a decent life, which is something everyone should have, and you say she should wait for possibly another 4 years, if the 16 year old goes to university!

We only get one life, sometimes we get more than one chance at happiness, we have to take them.

Surely her children (and let's remember they are 22, 19, and 16) would rather be part of a happy household, and be glad that their mother had found someone to be happy with, after being so badly let down by their father?

Why did the DGS move back with his mum if he found her partner so intolerable that he refuses to speak to him? Why not go and live with his dad for a bit now he's finished uni.
Do all the posters who think mum should remain alone until all the children leave home think that dad should do the same? It's his job to raise the children too.

I find this whole situation incredible and am amazed at the support this selfish overgrown toddler seems to be getting.
DD seems to be a grade 1 doormat and I find it equally incredible that OP is prepared to see her DD sacrifice a relationship with a perfectly nice man and indeed a life.
These are not CHILDREN we are talking about but young adults who have their own lives and relationships but apparently deny their mother the same right.
Beyond belief.

22 year olds now are not like 22 year olds were in our day. The ones I come across a quite childish and more home bodies than they were then - it was normal to get married etc at that age, its not now. I feel that in another year or two he may have a decent job and be ready to leave. I certainly wouldn't be pushing him out now.

Yes, Primrose I was wondering about the father, too.

It's hardly the judgement of Solomon, it doesn't have to be either the partner or the son. Both can co-exist perfectly peacefully, if the son chooses to do so.

I have to say, if the son gets his way with controlling his mother's life, I fear for any future partner he may have.

There is no way on this earth I would allow a grown up child to dictate to me. I hope you'll back your daughter up with finding happiness, as you will your grandson when he grows up and finds love.

"Both can co-exist perfectly peacefully, if the son chooses to do so"

Spot on SueDonim

NannyOne, what a variety of opinions! My sympathies lie mainly with your DD - my own experiences in life mirror hers to some extent. I think it is wonderful that your DD has met a 'nice' man and they seem to have taken time and moved things on slowly and sensitively enough.

If I have read all of this correctly, no-one is 'pushing the son out', - mum wants him to stay, even accommodates his girlfriend staying over, -presumably partner is in agreement so the issue lies within the son.

If dad left 8 years ago, then he was 14 and I gather it was in difficult circumstances and the boy probably felt abandoned / experienced trauma when he lost his relationship with his dad. Such an experience can arrest emotional development and place a greater burden of need for emotional reassurances on the parent that 'stays'. It is evident he is trying to exercise control - but unreasonably.

My view: he probably needs counseling beyond the family. He cannot reason why he feels as he does, he just does, but it seems very likely he has some undealt with issues. However, at present your DGC is placing his mum in an unfair and very difficult place - no doubt she will be very torn and if you are expressing to her that you think she is wrong this must be doubly painful for her.

If your GC has just returned from finishing uni he may not be financially stable enough to afford a place of his own - our dear government doesn't give housing benefit support until people are 25 so parents often continue to support at this stage - however, they don't have to and he should be grateful that he has his mum's backing.

I do wonder how much of this is bluff and bluster on his part- that if push comes to shove, he won't be running anywhere - after all, he has been happy to return home after uni? But if you legitimise his views with too much sympathy, that will make him worse.

I don't think the situation needs to descend into 'rift', but his behaviour / attitude does need to be challenged. You could be a great help on all sides - supporting your DD's right to happiness whilst also being a listening ear for his woes, but reminding him that his mum deserves to be happy.



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At 22 I was married with a child, not ruling the roost and dictating to my parents. He wants his marching orders and if you don't like the thought of the poor snowflake floundering in the big wide world, you take him in and continue the cycle of dependence.
My DC left home to go to university and never returned to the family home, they had achieved what I brought them up to be ...independent. Seriously woman you need to get a life and stop poking your nose into your DD's business.

Well said harri couldn't agree with you more.

I think son wants to be reassured he is no 1 in your daughters life. He has already been put 2nd by his father who preferred another woman to his own child.

He is forcing her to choose and obviously he wants her to choose him. Things might get easier if she chooses her son and he is reassured of his place in life.
Your grandson might then be free to accept the new man safe in the knowledge that mum showed her son comes first.

The man in question should decline to move in for the good of the family.
Any man who would move in if it meant a child moving out has his own interests at heart.
He should gracefully wait until the boy is settled and moved out.

Yes in our day lots of us were married at 22, I in fact also had two sons and my own home.
But times change and believe me 22 is young and the world is harsh.

The son has been in full time education up until recently and has not had an independent adult life where he provided his own home.

Neither your daughter of the boyfriend should risk your grandsons life going off the rails.

Yes the son should accept the new man, but he won't . He isn't the mature adult in this situation.

None of you wants a 22 year old to live elsewhere and be at risk.

This happens every day, young men drawn into a downward spiral by being what they see as forced out of home.
I know he is the one choosing to leave if boyfriend moves in but son will see it that he was put 2nd and was forced out.

I have to repeat my sentiment
What sort of man would be able to move in with the knowledge that his girlfriend has lost her son over it.

Also just to add
ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED.
Why hasnt he proposed after all these years.

He's 22 and if he feels that strongly about it he should move out - it might help him to grow up a bit.

I don't see why your daughter should put her life on hold indefinitely. I expect one day the children will all be gone and, much as they love their mother, she will be of secondary importance in their lives.

Well said harrigran*! Honestly all this talk of "child, boy, being "at risk", 22 and having completed a degree and still controlling mum because his nose might be out of joint? "Snowflake" doesn't come close!
And as for asking why the man has not proposed? What century are we in, how do we know he hasn't, and is that anybody's business but their own?
I agree that Diddums should move out, move in with nannyOne and they can both let OP's DD get on with having a life.

Getting married not our business? Yes it is seeing as everyone on here is discussing their lives, having opinions and in some cases calling the boy names.

like to announce change of username as the old one too close to my name , if I ever want advice I have now reserved the right to privacy.