Daughter wants to move home

I can understand your apprehension, and I’m guessing that you’re nervous about your partner’s reaction? However, it would be so hard to turn her down. Both my son and daughter have moved back home at various times, (always with additional dependents) and it’s always been fine. Yes, it’s a bit chaotic, but I want to help them so it’s never been too much for me, on the contrary, it’s given us the chance to develop a closer bond with our grandchildren. Good luck!

I would let my child move back in without question and do do my best to ensure separate living/sleeping areas so each of us have our own privacy.

How easy life would be 'if we could all just get along'!

Your child needs your help and I lean towards giving her another chance. Let her move in for a trial period to be 'extended' depending on how things go. A heartfelt conversation about respect and mutual expectations should go a long way. Hopefully, she'll be just as mindful as you are about any possible pitfalls.

If you decide to let her to move in, you may want to lay down some ground rules and responsibilities (especially household obligations, unforeseen expenses etc.). Your partner may also want to weigh in on a few particulars, but the 'family home' comment sounds like it's your house, your decision. Whether or not your daughter moves into your home, should be up to you (no one else).

Remember too that kindness reaps its own rewards and the opposite has its own repercussions. In other words, what 'goes around, comes around'. On the plus side, you now have the opportunity to spend more time with your grandson and to establish a much closer, life long bond with him, which can be priceless!

My son came back for a few months, a few years ago, and I would certainly have him and his family to stay if they needed help. Many years ago I had to go back to my parents and they made it obvious that I was not wanted. I have never forgotten that and certainly wouldn't want my son to feel like that.

I would be concerned about them both being in a damp flat.

If she could find somewhere better could you afford to help with the rent?

I assume that if she moved in with you she would have to share kitchen and bathroom, it would not be easy.

Is she on a list for social housing? Maybe housing association?

Your children are forever. If my children wanted my help they could have anything I could give them even if it was difficult, I couldn't see them unhappy especially with a grandchild. Let them come and live with you, with some rules if you must, but don't leave them in a damp flat when you have a warm house. I have had it from the other way I lived with my daughter for 5 months whilst my new build flat was delayed. It was fine , we compromised with each other, I had my own bedroom and bathroom and we shared the cooking .

I have two grown up daughters and I could never refuse them if they needed help. My youngest daughter came to live with us with her toddler son after a marriage break up. We had just downsized to a much smaller house thinking it was just the two of us!! My dh is not the father of my children but he too welcomed them with open arms. They were here for 5 years and my dd was able to return to work and save enough for a deposit on a house of their own. We still help out a lot with childcare which we love. I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. There is no time limit on being a mum. When my own marriage broke down I returned to live with my own mother. I grew up knowing that my parents house was my home forever and my maternal grandparents had the same outlook. Not always easy to live under one roof but it’s not about easy it’s about being a mum. Maybe I’m just very lucky to have been born into a close and supportive family and have carried that on for own dd’s and gc. I have a very happy marriage of 25 years but my dh has always known that my dd’s come first and always will. We reap the benefits of being loved and respected by our family and that is the best reward of all. Hope it all works out well whatever you decide.

I've had 2 of mine back after uni and one back with his partner and child when they needed somewhere to live for a year. I couldn't enjoy a quiet life knowing my grandchild was living in a damp flat.

I'm easy going and we didn't have rules and it worked fine.

I know it's lovely to have your freedom and enjoy just standing and staring at the garden after years and years of frantic family life. Just trying to put myself in your shoes as have daughters and grandchildren I think I would want to do the best I could for my grandchild. Not sure if his circumstances are very healthy for a 5 year old. Possibly depressed mother and smelly damp flat.?? I appreciate your daughter is a challenge so this will take huge negotiation and her maturity and consideration of you and your partner. I'm afraid I would have to draw up a contract or written ground rules signed by all of you. The child is the priority. THe good things are that you'll have agood clear out and also not have to travel to visit. You'll have a good relationship with grandson too. I think I'd take some rent too. This can help towards bills and her ability to take responsibility. Maybe secretly save some. This is ONLY my suggestion and absolutlely neither right nor wrong. Best wishes to you all.

Don't!!! But if she needs some help for a little while is ok. I been in hell for the last 40 years, with father in law. I think about it now and I should have said NO. Let his father lose the house and go out on his own. Now I am stuck totally, wishing everyday to be free. So limit her time with you and let her know that. You need your time alone. Because she is still young and will used you every single time.

I think you have a real dilemma here. A big part of you wants to help her, another part of you reluctant. As she lives in an area where rents are very expensive buying property equally so.....will 2 years be sufficient for her to save the amount she thinks is needed ...what if 2 years became 3 or longer, how would you feel then.? How does your partner feel about this, it's his home as well. One of my children was like a boomerang in his 20s and 30s back home for a few months then off again before he settled down. The old saying "if in doubt don,t " comes to mind, although you have been offered plenty of good advice on here think it all through very carefully as it's a big decision to make.

Mmm! Difficult!! Having been through this twice with different DD's I cannot see how you can say no, but, ask yourself, are you going to be regarded as freely available to baby sit, look after the child when mummy works late or goes out with friends.
What happens if she gets a close relationship and wants sleepovers?
I had a very difficult experience with 2nd DD and our arguments were horrendous so my DH and I agreed never again. Added to which, if the DD starts socialising and spending a lot of money, how will you feel about not seeing any saving going on?
You really should speak to your partner and if he says NO, then you have to respect his decisions.
If you decide to allow DD and grandchild to return, be brutally honest, set a time limit, agree strict house rules, as you will also need privacy to spend time with your partner, and stick to the rules.
If you are lucky, you might be able to look back on the experience as wonderful and enjoy having your grandchild spending more time with you. Good luck!

I don't think you can reach a decision until you've talked it over with your OH, and then talked it over again!
We were VERY reluctant when asked by ours if they could move in, but it was surprisingly good. We knew they were saving, and we knew they were keen to have their own place as soon as possible. However, we were lucky as there was no need to share a bathroom and they had their own sitting room. Also it was our child (and partner with baby) not just mine.

Definitely rock and hard place scenario. My DD and family moved in with us 13 years ago and stayed for nearly a year while they sorted a new house. I hope they never need to ask again. My first rule within 24 hours was No Rowing with Each Other when you are in the same room as us. Overall we managed to keep things fairly amicable, but the stress of stopping DH saying what he felt needed saying andcausing a row and
holding my own tongue is something I’d hate to face again.
I suppose I’d do it if I had to but . . .

Firstly have a long and truthful discussion with your partner and make your decision as a couple.

Wouldn't think twice about having children & their family live with us- all very easy going tho' which makes life easy.

My SIL asked to move in with us for "a couple of weeks" while she found a rental to move into . 7 months later and she was still with us, having made no effort to move out. In the end we politely asked her when she'd be leaving as we needed the bedroom. The moral of the story is be sure you set a time limit!!

SIL is very different from a daughter and GD lesley4357

Oh what a predicament! I understand your situation, thank heavens I have no spare space...I would have to have rules drawn up....in a real emergency obviously I would do it but I think I would lend her the deposit on a new place....with an agreed amount to start paying back after 6 months...need not be excessive but lines have to be drawn.

Would people please consider the 5 year old child in the middle of all this. The child has no say in what sort of life he'd like. He needs all the adults, including those giving advice to put him at the centre,

Our daughter and two little girls came to live with us for 6 years after her husband left. During that time she went to university and became a teacher and last year bought her own house, girls now are 9 and 14. It was wonderful being with the girls every day and yes, a lot of stuff in the house but really miss it all now. Maturity and compromise are essential, but how can you not help your own family.

How sensible of you to post this and to seriously think this through rather than be steam-rolled into something you're not entirely comfortable with. You say D lived at home 7 years ago and was spiky and difficult so I understand your reluctance. Have you considered looking at alternatives.
Gabriella G posted good advice about getting rid of the damp in D"s flat.
Or perhaps you could help D find another flat near to you.
And/Or help her out financially.
IF you decide to have D and GS live with you ....and because the "2 years" isn't an exact time, I would put it on a legal footing by having a 6-month tenancy agreement and charge her rent to cover her share of utility bills. If you all find things work out you the agreement can be renewed or not if D is spiky and difficult. Someone in an earlier post suggested D keeps her flat on for a few months. A good idea I thought.
Another sensible post said "listen to your inner voice".
Lots of great food for thought from Gransnetters .
I hope all goes well.

A couple of years ago DD, who lived in Birmingham, was applying for a job in London and had she got it intended to move home as I only live about 20 miles outside the capital. Although I would never have said she couldn't come, I was very apprehensive, as over the last few years I've lived alone and got used to being able to do what I want whenever I want etc. I felt guilty that I was relieved she didn't get the job. A few months later she applied for another London job and by then I'd adjusted to the idea and could see some positives, so when she again was rejected but got a new job elsewhere I was more disappointed than she was! She now lives and works in Glasgow! I realise the circumstances were very different but I fully understand the OP's concerns as we do get settled in our ways a bit when we no longer have our offspring at home. She also has a partner to consider as well as a young child. I think her partner's feelings should be very high up on her pros and cons list when deciding. Two years is a long time if things are not easy, but like many of you I agree that our children are for life and would never have said no myself if there was a possibility of making it work.

Anniebach

Anniebach

Damekindness what a dilemma! I love my peace & quite too and the Peppa pig resonates with me If you could do what others have suggested, try and make the attic rooms self sufficient, have some ground rules and set a time limited, you would be doing your DD & GD a huge favour in her time of need. It will take a few months to settle, but after that I think you will be very sad when she eventually leaves. Being young, your DD may soon meet another man and haypressto!
Good luck