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Is it usual to go off sex at 65

(109 Posts)
Clakka Tue 27-Feb-18 21:19:28

I’m 65 and my husband is 71. We have a great family with 8 grandchildren. Our granddaughters are like friends and I love to go out shopping with them and they can talk to me about anything. I go to the gym, I do voluntary work and I have lots of lovely friends who would probably say I look pretty good for my age. My husband plays golf, keeps pretty fit and we have wonderful holidays together. However, I am not a bit interested in sex anymore. It’s a kind of “been there done that” . I would rather go to bed with a good book. I love my husband and we’ve been married for 45 years. He is still attractive but like many 70 year olds spends most of the time looking for his glasses or phone while moaning about the government. We had a wonderful sex life until about 12 years ago but sometimes in the press it appears that we should all be doing it forever. My husband thinks I’m not normal even though we still cuddle and are affectionate to each other. Viagra has always seemed a curse to me as it just prolongs something that should naturally disappear . I can’t talk to my daughters or my friends about this but I would love to know if this is unusual,

bettyboo22 Wed 28-Feb-18 10:53:11

I’m 58 and haven’t had sex in 6 years just not interested at all

trendygran Wed 28-Feb-18 10:54:30

Be so grateful you still have your DH and some one who cares about you and is happy to cuddle. I lost my DH over 9 years ago and would would give so much to have someone to share my life. I know I’m not the only widow to feel like that. Being alone is still so difficult and somthing those who are fortunate to still have partners just,with the best will in the world, do NOT begin to understand. Chance to ‘go off ‘ sex would be a fine thing. Such a long time ago now!

LynneB59 Wed 28-Feb-18 10:59:02

Hello. I don't think it's unusual or wrong in any way. I'm almost 59 and went off sex a few years ago... I had a terrible time for a few years, of heavy bleeding, repeated hospital tests over the past 5 years, etc. (My periods only finished 10 months ago! My husband is a year older than me, and has been very understanding with it all, but I have no desire whatsoever for sex. I am on a low-dose antidepressant, which I know affects libido - but I'd rather be like this than ever feel as low as I did. I'd say so long as you and your husband are otherwise happy, don't worry.

radicalnan Wed 28-Feb-18 10:59:14

You may well have used up your 'quota' when you were active...who knows how much is too much or too little?

Claire Rayner used to say, (pretty sure it was her) that if you put a jelly bean in a jar for each time you had sex before marriage and took one out each time after marriage, you would never run out of jelly beans.

I ran out of jars.....but, a long time ago.

luluaugust Wed 28-Feb-18 11:01:03

Hi Clakka tell your husband "normal" is a huge spectrum, would be interesting to know where he has got the idea from that you are not. If its the newspapers o'h dear. He may be feeling sad that that part of his life is slowing down, have a chat.

justwokeup Wed 28-Feb-18 11:19:57

Clakka thank you for the very honest post. It's difficult when you're worried and not a lot of information out there. We're in exactly the same boat - happened immediately post-menopause for me - and we are both younger than you and your DH. I haven't got a solution unfortunately but just wanted to say you are not alone. flowers

CardiffJaguar Wed 28-Feb-18 11:34:13

As an 81 year old the answer is NO. Age is not important.

sarahellenwhitney Wed 28-Feb-18 11:38:45

How unkind of your husband to suggest you are 'not normal'.'Been there done that' indicates to me your husbands needs to look at the 'menu' he offers you.Isn't variety the spice of life.?
Ready to pass the' problem' on to you but never giving a thought that he could be the one that is not 'normal'. Does H believe you should be lying back (thinking of England)? Does he ever consider that is all his performance conjures up in your mind.
Everyone is different but there is no age when intimacy needs to discontinue unless one is forced due to health reasons. If it is uncomfortable, for you, your GP can advise treatment.
Everyone is different. What is normal for one is not necessarily normal for another but if it is of concern and you want to improve relations with H, your GP, not some back street organisation, is the one to put BOTH of you in the right direction.

sarahellenwhitney Wed 28-Feb-18 11:39:59

Meant variety.

creativz Wed 28-Feb-18 11:46:16

Mine went mid 30's blush I'm not really bothered, too much aggravation ! hmm

LynnieME Wed 28-Feb-18 11:51:35

My H only wants to trawl through porn sites and is very loud and abusive if I do not instigate this buy "dressing up". There is no love ... only sex (if he can manage it and apparently it's my fault if he cannot). He says he has had enough and (once again) won't speak to me, eat anything I've prepared, sleep in the same room etc etc. He says we have no marriage. Although violently abusive and destroys the house he is perfectly "charming" to outsiders. Help please ......

KirbyGirl Wed 28-Feb-18 12:03:02

My husband (ex) used to tell me I should never refuse him and surprisingly, I lost interest and felt a guilty failure. It is only recently with people questioning the Muslim (? I think) notion that a wife should never refuse her husband, that I thought perhaps he had been wrong all those years and not me.

It is amazing what effect a new lover can have! Even at an advanced age.

luzdoh Wed 28-Feb-18 12:11:04

Clakka I agreee with Bridgeit"s first reply.

I'm alone - have been since widowed at 42, had small liaison, but it turned out he was using me, for 5 years when I was 50. My children know me for my saying "I don't do sex" (which actually comes from my qualification as Psychologist!) However, bad experiences have made it so I just don't want to do it.

I suppose if your DH wants to have a bit of sex it would be a loving thing to give him some pleasure, but talk to him and ask him to appreciate it is not something you want every night. Also on the practical side, at our age we do need some lubrication as after the menopause we haven't got the usual fluids to make it comfortable and pleasant.

I wish you lots of luck and hope if you do give your DH some joyful experiences, that they turn out to be great fun for you too!

JacquiG Wed 28-Feb-18 12:22:45

They can if they want to, but they prefer to whinge about it. Many it seems, not all. Have they not heard about self-control?

sarahellenwhitney Wed 28-Feb-18 12:30:04

What on earth keeps you in the same room let alone the whole property with that person.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 28-Feb-18 12:34:18

I don't think it's rare to go off sex as you age, after all the hormones which are responsible aren't exactly raging any more are they? The opposite, in fact. Maybe men retain an interest for a bit longer, I couldn't say for sure.
I've barely any libido which is just a well as I'm widowed. If some hunky male were to make himself available would I take him up on the offer? No, I think I'd offer him a cup of tea and a chat instead.

humptydumpty Wed 28-Feb-18 12:45:08

Lynnie he sounds horrendous, is there any way you can get out?

LynnieME Wed 28-Feb-18 12:59:20

Thank you two for sending an answer - it’s all I’ve ever known since I was 14 (50 years now). I’m constantly criticised (screamed at actually) but guess if I was a more worthwhile person H would not feel the need to let his anger boil over. He did say “whatever he does he has not actually hit me”. I’m pretty desperate at the moment and so grateful to be able to share this and find out (maybe) where I am going wrong. Thanks again

MissAdventure Wed 28-Feb-18 13:01:33

I think you're going wrong by allowing your husband to treat you like some kind of object.
He needs a good kick up the arse!

Grampie Wed 28-Feb-18 13:06:55

“Let us find a space where we mutually, consensually look out for each other’s pleasure, and allow the vast, limitless range of desire be expressed.”

- Natalie Portman

“Been there, done that” doesn’t seem like a limitless range of desire to me.

It sounds more like boredom.

ReadyMeals Wed 28-Feb-18 13:14:41

In my opinion it's part of a perfectly normal range of variation. Many people do and many people don't, and I don't think anyone should feel guilty about it or feel they have to go scurrying around finding treatments.

Greyduster Wed 28-Feb-18 13:16:24

but guess if I was a more worthwhile person H would not feel the need to let his anger boil over. I’m gobsmacked that you should ever be made to think that you are not a worthwhile person because of this monster! You are in an abusive relationship. Get out if you can, and soon! My heart goes out to you.

Nanawind Wed 28-Feb-18 13:22:13

LynnieME please please get help to leave this awful man(if he can be called that) he might not have hit you yet but who knows what can trigger his nastyness. You are NOT a toy you are a human being and deserve respect. You are a worthwhile person it's his problem not yours. Yes it might be hard and frightening but at least you will be safe and that is more important.

Breda Wed 28-Feb-18 13:25:02

LynnieMe your post brought tears to my eyes. You need to think about getting out of the situation that you find yourself in. It is a destructive and potentially dangerous place for you to be. Perhaps you could talk to a trusted professional e.g doctor, solicitor someone who can offer some help and advice. Your comment about not being a worthwhile person speaks volumes about how you view yourself and you need help. Please find someone to help you.

maddyone Wed 28-Feb-18 13:52:28

Lynnieme, you are a worthwhile person, your husband has made you feel that you are not. Please leave him, you’ve endured 50 years with this cruel man, please do not lose any more of your life with him. Leave!