Is it usual to go off sex at 65

I don't think it's unusual. I myself woukd much rather have my bed to myself and read, have a cup of tea or whatever than get messy...??
I've had a great sex life with my ex and we have 5 children who hsve given us 9 gc and 3 ggc.
I'm 73 and pretty fit for my age, wear nice modern clothes but not mutton dressed as lamb and have an OH whom I met 5 years agoon a dating site. He's 22 years my junior, a divorced professional with 3 children under 12. We don't live together although he regularly asks me to get married and move in with him. He knows the score. I don't want sex but he is happy...more than happy, to 'compromise'.
I am used to doing what I want when I want and, although retired, I do p/t proofreading/editing for a publishing company and I'm a volunteer for SAMS.
I've advised him to look elsewhere and just be friends but 5 years of telling him this haven't made him less interested.
I just can't be bothered and, to be scrupulously honest, if it had been acceptable to have children without marriage or co-habiting, then I would have boarded that train.
As it turned out, my ex worked offshore so I WAS on my own a lot which suited me fine.
So...sex in my book is overrated.

Sorry about errors. Using a stylus.

Nanawind

? very droll.

driverann

That IS unusual. Wow!

Thank you so so much for all your kindness and supportive words - I am finding it all too difficult to breathe at the moment. I (stupidity) thought this existence is what life is - as it’s all I’ve ever known. Thank you so much - I need to process all this now. Thank you for letting me hope this is not usual and everyone isn’t living like this. Thank you

Golden Rule - ignore what you read in the press which is all written by people who are in the main not qualified by experience to know what urges people do and don't have in their 60s+

Good luck, Lynnie. You will get all kinds of helpful advice and support if you keep posting here. Please do.

LynnieMA - please seek some help from womens aid. You do not have to endure this.

I believe that, in devout Jewish marriages, the man takes his cue from his wife and the teachings advise compliance on the man's part.

My husband at just 70 has at last slowed down phew! On the topic of dryness I use a product called Sylk, it’s a totally natural product with no nasties and you can buy it over the internet and even get a free sample. Lovely to use as it’s very thin and not thick like KY. even better you can get it on prescription which I do and use about two small bottles a year. Worth trying.

Are you on any type of antidepressant or anti anxiety meds. Even a small dose can affect people. It may tell you on the leaflet. Maybe you are doing too much and are tired. Use hubby as a workout instead of the gym.

LinnieMA
Please leave or contact women’s refuge centre find there number on the Internet you are 50 years old don’t put up with anymore they will help you or look in the lady magazine I think number is there . You need a life for yourself
Good Luck don’t wait another day
Betty Boo

My husband is 63 and I am 67. We haven't had sex for over 13 years. He has never been very affectionate try. I do to cuddle him in bed but he doen't respond. Part of the problem was, because of childbirth my vagina became very loose.

I have been on both sides at various times of my life: wanting but not getting, and getting but not wanting. Neither is easy, but as many people have said it is something which needs to be discussed - not ignored. Getting but not wanting can be very destructive, because you feel that you should be making the effort, but you also feel used. Wanting but not getting can also become destructive - because you feel unwanted and the physical need can become overpowering. Solo sex is not the same.

Linnie please, please, please get out of this situation if you can. You are a worthwhile person and you can have happiness and a fulfilling life ahead of you, use the support on GN to help you take it in your hands.

I used to use ky jelly post menopause which was very helpful but they must have changed the recipe as it now seems to get hot and almost burn sensitive areas which is uncomfortable and not at all helpful! I now use Boots lubricating jelly which is just fine. Don't know if that will help you or not

I seem to be in a different situation to most others.
I had been married to someone who even Viagra could not help therefore the problem must have been psychological. He did not understand how unhappy I was or what he could have done about it. He was also controlling.
I left about 20 years ago and never thought I would ever be involved with anyone ever again. I had a lot of emotional stress and family troubles as well as a job so was only just able to cope. Older persons all died, DCs grew up. I was diagnosed with a nasty illness which causes very horrible side effects. I definitely had no chance of meeting anyone.
Some months ago I met someone. He is divorced a violent marriage. He was not the violent one! We were both shy and unaccustomed but months later we have just about got over all the shyness and are having all sorts of fun with outings and also at home. I am mid 60s and he is younger. It is such a nice thing to happen for both of us.

My husband lost his sex-drive totally at 50! I was 46... it came as an enormous shock to me and for two years we tried ‘all sorts’...even viagara , which didn’t work! Doctor said if viagara doesn’t work then it’s his head telling his body he didn’t want this anymore.We struggled and I bitched about it for couple years and then regretfully ‘settled’ for a celibate life. We’re still together...I haven’t had affairs, and now as I approach 70 I think it was the best thing that could’ve happened. To be honest I think in a naturalistic way...if you can no longer produce children then sex should quite naturally ‘die off’. We are all too wrapped up in this stuff and it’s sll so totally pointless .

Hi, another one who's lost it in the last couple of years and I'm 61. Although my OH is 11 years older he seems to be up for it all the time and it is certainly a problem because of our differing needs in this. He's happily retired and I'm still working so I'm tired and just want to rest. But he seems oblivious to it and I do occasionally force myself once a week to keep the peace. But it's not ideal and I definitely feel used as others have indicated. 2nd marriage for us both and I'm just waiting for him to slow down with it. Like others I just rather read a book. Linnie please find the courage to get out of this situation. You won't realise until you're out of it how distructive and toxic it is for you. Sending hugs x

Just another thought...if you reach a stage where you need aphrodisiacs...viagara.... ky jelly .... isn’t it nature telling you to JUST LET IT GO!! You find out it’s just NOY important enough!

I do not think that anyone should "force oneself to keep the peace" - I cannot find that at all acceptable as a concept. It is entirely wrong in principle. It is very bizarre that a husband should be happy to continue with something that it is clear his partner is not enjoying. I can appreciate that there can be an imbalance and differing needs, but to basically force yourself on your partner is out of order.

There is supposed to be an element of mutual pleasure and consideration for your partner, and if this is absent it is not acceptable to continue. A discussion about differing needs and how to find a way through this - yes; but just to bash on when someone is not enjoying it - definitely no.

I hesitate to say that there is a word for this.

Linnie Please get out now, go to a refuge, get help. If you can't find your local one on the internet ring Citizens advice. This is not normal and you should not be treated like this.

I agree Luckygirl. But it's so easy to get into an unhealthy pattern with this.

Grampie
Wise words.

I am aware of women from age 30 onwards who lose interest in sex

On the other hand I once asked a Gran of 80+ "when do you lose interest in sex ?" and she replied - "you will have to ask someone older than me"

I am convinced that the underlying basis is chemical, and depends on your balance of hormones, including high levels of Estrogen and low levels of Progesterone and Testosterone

This is true for both women and men, although the levels are obviously different !

Men often want to express their feelings through the physical act of sex, which they use to establish intimacy and bonding and to show their commitment

If a man loses his ability to "perform" it can be devastating for both him and the relationship, so the woman should be very supportive at such a difficult time

Diet, weight and exercise play a major part. If the woman is overfeeding them both then sex and intimacy may suffer, so there are things that she might be able to do to help them both by helping them lose weight.

If you both lose a little weight and take even a little exercise you will be very surprised at the effect on the libido and sexual performance for both women and men.

If there is a major mis-match in libido, then you both might consider a visit to your doctor, or even a Nutritional Therapist ( Search for a BANT practitioner near you who is knowledgeable about hormones )

Today everyone has way too much Estrogen, and a BANT practitioner is probably the best person to help you identify it and reduce it.

Exercise and a little extra Testosterone can make a big difference to an older man, both physically and for his "joie de vivre". You would be surprised what a little Progesterone cream can do to re-vitalise a woman's libido - get it right and you might be chasing him round the bedroom !
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