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to get my AC to clear their old rooms?

(90 Posts)
Dontaskme Mon 26-Mar-18 10:58:33

They have both moved out, not that you'd notice as they both still have rooms full of stuff that they come back and look through for something and chuck everywhere. I'm not kidding when I say the rooms look like there has been and explosion and I'm so embarrassed and frustrated, even though no-one sees them. It is also all over the landings and up their stairs (multiple storey house) Its MY home and its driving me nuts. I gave them a deadline of the end of this month but nothing has happened. They go crazy if I go in their old rooms but aibu if, once the deadline has passed, I go in and bag their stuff up? I've told them that anything they want to keep can go in my loft, its not like I've even said they have to take it, although the amount of stuff they have will take most of the loft tbh. They don't pay rent for the rooms, never did, and have been gone for some time. What would you do and how did you get your AC rooms back?

pensionpat Mon 26-Mar-18 11:02:02

I would not even offer the space in the loft. If you give a long overdue ultimatum it is their choice. You ANBU. They are!

tanith Mon 26-Mar-18 11:08:59

Mine have been gone a long time and I claimed the rooms back but I do have some of my sons stuff in the loft ,he lives abroad and keeps saying he needs to sort it but there never seems to be time if he visits.
Not unreasonable to want to use the rooms in your own house. Bag it up and do what you want with it they have had enough time and warning.

M0nica Mon 26-Mar-18 11:09:38

Every time you visit them take a box of stuff with you and leave it in their home whether rented or bought.

Witzend Mon 26-Mar-18 11:15:29

I would probably give a deadline by which time anything not neatly tidied/stored away will be gone. If there's stuff to go in the loft they will have to pack it and lug it up there. Those plastic boxes with lids are useful! But not too big, or they're so heavy.

Having said all that, we still have quite a bit of dds' stuff, and they are 38 and 41 and moved out long ago. But our house is more spacious than either of theirs. Apart from a load of books on shelves it's mostly tidily stored, and we often use their rooms for guests.
However, to me our house is still dds' (other) home and always will be until we're gone - when failing to get rid of their stuff will mean they'll just have a lot more to clear!

jusnoneed Mon 26-Mar-18 12:32:52

Get some boxes, pack the stuff up in some sort of system if possible (just in case they need to find something quickly) and write on the outside what is in it and who it belongs too. Then tell them to come and collect or you will dispose of them. Hopefully if they don't have to do the actual packing up they will make the choice to collect.
Don't store it for them because you will never be rid of it - my friend has recently moved house and even had to move her kids stuff that she stores for them even though they both have their own houses!

Scribbles Mon 26-Mar-18 12:44:43

They're taking unreasonable advantage of you. If they ignore your deadline, hire a skip and chuck the lot in it.
(I find this an interesting thread after reading one yesterday about grown up children asking parents to clear out hoarded stuff so, when the time comes, they won't have to!)

Dontaskme Mon 26-Mar-18 12:47:02

I've never cleaned their rooms since they were very young teenagers and I feel a bit shifty going in and sorting though their stuff to pack it, but that's what I'll be doing as they were given a deadline of the end of this month and its obvious they think I'm not being serious - BUT I AM!!!!!
Thanks for the advice. I wont throw anything away unless its obviously junk, and I wont take it to their homes as that'll cause more arguing. I will store it in the loft which is easier than some as actually the eaves. If I ever move then it will either have to be collected or it def will go in the skip. If I die and its still here as you say Witzend, more to clear smile. Wish me luck. I'll be texting deadline and consequences reminders to them later

J52 Mon 26-Mar-18 12:47:45

We moved! Anything left was taken to the dump!

Dontaskme Mon 26-Mar-18 12:50:21

Saying I haven't cleaned their rooms since they were young teenagers makes it sound like I live in a right s**t hole! I didn't clean their rooms but supervised and made sure they did. I didn't do their washing or ironing either. I was trying to rear independent capable people. I think I reared hoarders!!

mcem Mon 26-Mar-18 12:51:13

I think part of the problem is conceding that they have the right to ban you from "their" rooms.
You aren't being unreasonable to declare a deadline and repossess your property.
As for heaving their stuff around and leaving a mess! All of that clutter should be binned immediately. They may take you more seriously after an assertive 'shot across the bows'!

Situpstraight Mon 26-Mar-18 13:44:11

I moved anything that wasn’t obvious rubbish belonging to the DDs into the loft, it stayed there for many years.
When the GC arrived I eventually persuaded the DDs to collect the stuff they wanted and they went through it all, took some and threw the rest away.
Now the bedrooms ‘belong’ to the GC and now their stuff is in the loft!
I sense a pattern here......

Bathsheba Mon 26-Mar-18 13:49:50

I've never cleaned their rooms since they were very young teenagers and I feel a bit shifty going in and sorting though their stuff to pack it
What you have to remind yourself, Dontaskme, is that these are not their rooms any longer; they are your rooms in your house, and you therefore have every right to go in them and do whatever you wish with the contents of the rooms!
No, YANBU smile

Smileless2012 Mon 26-Mar-18 14:01:19

I agree that you're not being unreasonable Dontaskme. When the deadline is reached, if it were me, I'd bag it all up, tell them I'd done so and if it wasn't collected by the end of the week (depending on how close they live to you), I'll be hiring a skip and throwing the whole lot out.

If they want it it's up to them to sort it out.

Good lucksmile.

sodapop Mon 26-Mar-18 14:49:11

I agree with Smileless they have been given enough time to clear your house, bin it.
I have always done that, once my children became teenagers anything left on the floor in their rooms or dirty washing not put in the basket went into black bags and was thrown out. They soon learned to tidy up.

ginny Mon 26-Mar-18 14:52:36

Repeat the deadline. If the ‘stuff’ is that important to them they can keep it at their own place. Anything not collected goes.

gummybears Mon 26-Mar-18 16:05:46

"My" room stopped being "my" room when I moved out.

You are being perfectly reasonable. They don't need this crap or they would have it where they currently live.

Smithy Mon 26-Mar-18 16:24:53

A friend if mine has a daughter in her forties who left home over 20 years ago. She still calls it C---s room and it's full of her stuff. I've moved twice since my daughter left home so her stuff is long gone.

MissAdventure Mon 26-Mar-18 16:26:40

I have an aunt who won't downsize because of the 'children's' stuff. (All in their 40s)

Nanabilly Mon 26-Mar-18 17:07:22

As soon as our AD left home we sorted their rooms out and made them into nice rooms to suit us for guests and now GC .
We do still have a few bits of old toys that are slowly coming into use as GC get older but I would not keep their rooms as they were when they were at home for love nor money. It is our home and they have their own now.
Cut those apron strings and turf it all out.
As for them being unhappy if you go in and do any sorting out (sorry I can't remember if the OP said this or a post afterwards ) well that would make me even more determined to clear the rooms.

Dontaskme Mon 26-Mar-18 17:26:33

Thank you everyone. That's it, I'm not having it anymore! I've text the deadline reminder, been ignored by one and lets say "challenged" by the other, but Saturday is the cut off then I'm dealing with it once and for all. They know I don't "need" the rooms as there is another spare one with a bathroom should we need one (haven't had a houseguest for about 5 years though as I don't like overnighters) but I want their crap gone. I feel like getting on with it right now but I'll wait for the deadline to pass - as it will!

annodomini Mon 26-Mar-18 18:05:11

I downsized 18 years ago, so there was nowhere to put any leftover junk. DS1 came and helped to fill a skip with some of their stuff from the garage. We seemed to have enough bits of bikes to make two more! They both had their own homes by that time, so anything worth having had been taken. DS1 is definitely not a hoarder though his brother does seem to accumulate 'things' - just as well his house extension is almost ready to fill!

Bathsheba Mon 26-Mar-18 18:06:54

Well done Dont. They should understand that these are rooms in your house. If they want to be able to retain some ownership of the rooms and contents, they should be paying you a rental / storage fee!

Sounds as if there may be some upset ahead, but they'll get over it wink. Good luck!

womblekelly Mon 26-Mar-18 19:56:05

Well one daughter was v good about moving out and the other not so, it has taken a few years but I have two spare rooms, achieved by a few trips to the tip and charity shops and every time a charity bag was delivered I would fill a bag. Now have the loft to sort but it’s not unmanageable ..... and (whispers) she hasn’t missed anything!!!!

NanKate Mon 26-Mar-18 20:16:07

Please don't waver Dontaskme. A dear friend of mine is in a similar position and I asked her why she let's her DD bully and ignore her over her room of junk. She said she thought her daughter would freeze her out and she would lose her if she put everything in black bags, which if course is a load of old rubbish (just like her DD's room). The DD relies on her for company on weekends away and her mother has helped her financially in the past. She needs her mum too much.

Bite the bullet, be brave and stand up for yourself.