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to get my AC to clear their old rooms?

(91 Posts)
Dontaskme Mon 26-Mar-18 10:58:33

They have both moved out, not that you'd notice as they both still have rooms full of stuff that they come back and look through for something and chuck everywhere. I'm not kidding when I say the rooms look like there has been and explosion and I'm so embarrassed and frustrated, even though no-one sees them. It is also all over the landings and up their stairs (multiple storey house) Its MY home and its driving me nuts. I gave them a deadline of the end of this month but nothing has happened. They go crazy if I go in their old rooms but aibu if, once the deadline has passed, I go in and bag their stuff up? I've told them that anything they want to keep can go in my loft, its not like I've even said they have to take it, although the amount of stuff they have will take most of the loft tbh. They don't pay rent for the rooms, never did, and have been gone for some time. What would you do and how did you get your AC rooms back?

Caramac Tue 27-Mar-18 11:12:35

I had this situation and one daughter was particularly unwilling to take her stuff as she hates clutter (!). Eventually I told her I’d bagged it all up and she had a week before I got rid of it all (charity shops, tip). She grudgingly came, whinged a lot and took less than a carrier bag of stuff. I then had the task of getting rid but at least I reclaimed some space.

Kim19 Tue 27-Mar-18 11:15:00

Hello2U2, I certainly don't miss having my children at home. We've all moved on. I thoroughly enjoy my present life with no immediate dependants. The icing on the cake is that they are both in happy relationships and we are well and regularly in touch. Do not ask for more but absolutely love the occasions when I'm in their physical company.

JanaNana Tue 27-Mar-18 11:26:51

I think your AC are the unreasonable ones. They are using your home as a free storage facility and expect you to go along with it without batting an eyelid. I would have pointed out to them when they left home that their possessions were to go with them at the time. You are enabling them to carry on like this by allowing them to come back and forth sorting through bits and pieces as they choose. You could compromise by allowing them one box of sentimental childhood memories, school certificates etc. in a box in the loft and the rest they must take or find somewhere else to store them.

FarNorth Tue 27-Mar-18 11:32:57

Maybe follow the example of the GNer with the unwanted lodger?
Give them a date and say "I want it GONE!"

Ask them what they plan to do with their stuff. Ask in person, or on the phone, so they have to actually answer.
(If the answer is 'keep it in the loft', and you're ok with that, then they need to put it there, not you')

Tell them "If it's still here on xxx-date, I will book a skip for zzz-date."

YANBU and your AC are bullying you by doing this.

Diggingdoris Tue 27-Mar-18 11:33:09

I agree with M0nica. My kids were good when they moved out and took almost everything with them, but if I found stuff in cupboards or loft, I bagged it up and presented it to them to take home each time they visited or I visited them. I have enough clutter of my own without storing theirs!

Marthjolly1 Tue 27-Mar-18 12:14:00

Good luck Dontaskme. You are going to feel so good once it's all done and the children have accepted it. No doubt they'll de defensive but they will get over it.

Urmstongran Tue 27-Mar-18 12:21:22

When we downsized 8 years ago (planned for the future, best thing we did!) our family home of 32y had loads of our AC stuff, in the loft & other spaces. Netball trophies from playing for the County etc. I rang them up, asked them if they wanted any of it. They knew we wouldn’t have space! They didn’t. We tipped it. You don’t need tangible evidence to hold onto your memories! Honestly ladies it was so liberating.

Crazygrandma2 Tue 27-Mar-18 12:27:00

Not unreasonable at all. Give a deadline stating that if it's not met you will assume that they do not want the stuff and so will dispose of it for them. It's your house not their dumping ground!

gmelon Tue 27-Mar-18 13:02:59

Pretend you've dumped the lot. I would move everything into one of the rooms. Box up one room and store it in the other.
Then text a photo of the empty room to the children, with a message saying "one room done, one to go "

Barmeyoldbat Tue 27-Mar-18 13:04:46

You have asked them and given them deadlines. The time is now for action and not talking about it! Bag some of it up and drop it on their door step and keep doing this until you have reclaim your home.

Seakay Tue 27-Mar-18 13:34:30

the only detail I'd differ in is to suggest taking everything to charity shops rather than giving yourself the expense of a skip and creating more landfill. Clothes etc which you may think unsuitable for resale can be bagged and sold by weight for rags by charity shops. If you wanted to be a bit more direct you could bag all the junk label the bags with the name of the child (ie responsible adult with their own place which you don't have a room in) it belongs to, hire a man with a van and have the bags delivered to their doorsteps.

quizqueen Tue 27-Mar-18 13:36:25

They have had enough warnings so bag up their stuff and dump it on their doorstep and use your house how you want to. Stop blaming them and look at your own behaviour for allowing it.

HazelGreen Tue 27-Mar-18 14:03:12

Get cardboard boxes from supermarkets and box up. Present a box at a time on each AC visit to house to deal with. Maybe keep some 'valuable' items in a lidded plastic storage crate. I have redecorated both kids bedrooms so that probably takes from their sentimental value. You could take a photo of boxed up items ready for 'off' and post to them to show you are serious! I am lucky in that charity shops collect from house.

I could not even get dog shelters to take excess duvets! I used in recent cold spell to make up into draught excluders for those unused rooms in the house.

Jenb60 Tue 27-Mar-18 14:15:30

Couldn’t agree more Urmstongran, we downsized, very liberating and gave our 2 ACs warning. They both have their own places and both said they didn’t need/want any of their old stuff. They both live in London so small properties. We went through everything, the art teacher’s wonderful art books are now in his school as a resource for his pupils, CDs/ DVDs/ books all went to charity shops. We were the largest donators to the local RedCross book shop for a few months. Photos, play programmes, one son was an actor, were saved into a folder. Two large rooms, reduced to an A4 sized folder. Friend’s children received lots of furniture, which pleased us as didn’t want to add to landfill. We kept the Lego which dgs now plays with and some books, which he likes and tells his father off for either writing in or breaking the pop ups. Our newest dil was issued a warning by her mum in the States to clear her old room as they were downsizing, and she said, S’s mum did it for him, why can’t you!

willa45 Tue 27-Mar-18 14:25:30

After graduating from the university, our son moved to his own place in the city and left a lot of things behind. For months I tried to get him to finish moving out his old stuff, but to no avail. He kept saying he didn't need or want any of it; continually promising to take care of it 'next time'.

I finally gave up and cleaned it out myself. I threw out/donated many things and narrowed down the remainder to books, a few games, photo albums, gadgets, trophies etc. and anything else that was left that might be of value to him. I ended up packing up four or five cardboard boxes.

On one of his visits and while he was busy chatting with his dad, I picked up his car keys (he always leaves them in plain sight somewhere), opened up the boot (car was right outside on our driveway) and quietly crammed it with boxes.

I can still picture him happily driving away with his cargo and not having a clue. We still laugh about it over 20 years later!

2mason16 Tue 27-Mar-18 15:18:27

Ever time we visit my son I sneak in a box of his things which I hide somewhere (garden shed usually) My dil thinks it's quite funny. Visiting my dd in Oz I still take a few bits like christening gifts they left here before emigrating. Gradually it is getting there!

HootyMcOwlface Tue 27-Mar-18 15:35:11

I love that Willa I can just imagine his face when he found them!

Dontaskme Tue 27-Mar-18 15:43:08

Thank you. You have all given me strength to stick to my guns and stand up for myself! I did give them a deadline with 2 months or so notice, I have reminded them of this deadline repeatedly AND I text them both last night to tell them again - time is up on Saturday. As I said earlier one ignored me at first but then contacted me and told me to throw it all away, the other one has argued a bit and asked "when do I have time?". The clock is ticking and the deadline approaches. I have my black bags at the ready. To give you an idea of how long this has been going on one of these AC has 2 children of their own! Their own homes are very clean, tidy, spick, span and minimalistic. That's cos all the crap is here! Not for much longer it isn't! I will let you know how it went after the event. Thanks everyone

JaneJudge Tue 27-Mar-18 15:53:11

My mother put my whole room in the back of her car and dropped it off at my flat grin
My own daughter still has a room at mine but she comes home every weekend

BRedhead59 Tue 27-Mar-18 16:12:19

I re-claimed the rooms when they both went to Uni. One came back twice and each time we welcomed and then re-claimed again. The rooms are now a spare bedroom and office for hubby.There is some stuff in the loft too which eventually will have to go as we will not be taking it with us when we go!

LuckyFour Tue 27-Mar-18 16:15:29

Invite a friend/relative or two to stay for a weekend, tell your DDs they must move their stuff before that date or you'll have no choice but to box their stuff up and put it in the loft so you can use the rooms.

Do it! It's about mutual respect.

wellingtonpie Tue 27-Mar-18 17:07:54

What do all these blooming abbreviations mean?????

cc Tue 27-Mar-18 17:20:39

We also moved house (two hours drive) and still have some of our four DCs clutter in the loft, but very little. We've taken care to make sure that they don't have their "own" rooms here, nothing is left here after they visit, other than a few odds and ends belonging to the GC.
One of our DC came for an extende stay last year when he wasn't well, and it was like having a child in the house again: not wanting to eat when we did, finishing all the bread and milk without a word etc. etc.

jocork Tue 27-Mar-18 17:27:05

I'll have to get my two to take their stuff before I downsize which I plan to do when I retire in a couple of years. However I'm about to box up DS's room as I'm going to have a friend's son staying with me for a few months and don't want to give him the proper spare room as I'll need that for DS and DIL if they visit. I can't take it to their home as they live in a tiny back to back house which is already full to capacity (and 200 miles away) but once it is boxed it will be easy for them to take when they have a bigger place with more space. I dread to think how long I'll be stuck with DD's stuff as I wouldn't know where to begin with boxing as it is such a mess. As she lives over 400 miles away she rarely comes home by car and when I visit her I go by train. I may have to consider a deadline for her but it will need to be quite a long one!
When I moved out I took everything with me but I didn't have anywhere near as much stuff as they do nowadays. When my (now ex) husband bought his first home his parents insisted he moved everything out immediately which at the time I thought was a bit harsh but he managed despite every available bit of storage being stuffed with board games! Four years on from the divorce and I still have some of his unwanted stuff in my loft but it is now mine to do with as I wish, though I doubt anything is worth much!

jimmyRFU Tue 27-Mar-18 17:41:09

No.1 son left home five years ago. Married two years. He took most of his stuff except a couple of boxes up in the loft. Over the time together he and his wife have thinned out what they have in their place.

No.2 son left beginning of the month. 28 years worth of stuff under his bed and in the loft. I've spent nearly £100 on plastic crates to contain all his stuff. He has warned me to not get rid of any of it. So as soon as the weather improves its all going out in the garage, right at the back. The bedroom is being emptied to be decorated then ignored. Going to try and live as if we were in a two bedroom house, ready to downsize.

The loft will be gradually sorted and emptied of baby cot, high chair etc. Lots of toys too. If they want it they can have it at their house.

BUT then again I don't think they will every really remove it all. They are hoarders, including my husband who still has stuff from his fathers house. He died in 2000.